ITT: Most stupid thing you did when you were horny

ITT: Most stupid thing you did when you were horny.

Me:
>Fucking one of this shit 10 minutes ago.
>Ends, dick is out
>see some blood inside
>ohshit.jpg
>clean my dick
>hurts to pee.

how?

friction, not enough lube

next time use some lube, like soap or some oil

>not using lube when "fucking the shit" out of anything that doesn't self lube
>being this new
>pls

I use some oil.

>be me
>be around 13 or 14
>was new to masturbating
>i knew that it was better to use tissues and lotion when you masturbate.
> i used some paper towels and mint toothpaste as lotion.
>spread the toothpaste on the paper towels
>put it on my dick and start rubbing
> It felt like my dick was on fire and started crying
>mfw

>bought a full size sex doll
$1900 down the drain

and you've never changed the oil on your car either.

didnt you feel any sort of pain whilst penetrating pre-bleeding

baby oil.

I use this shit everyday with lotion or lube. but I use small seethrough plastic bags

no, it felt "good", but I "fucked" it furiously.

For about a week when i was 16 i jacked off like 3 times a day and i only stopped when my dick started bleeding
That was a fuckin good week tho

>soap or oil
oil would break the condom. soap hurts if it gets into the urethra.

theres no way that you didnt feel any friction burn-like sensation before it started bleeding.. unless your heavy breathing distracted you from the pain

My ex

I had a class with this chick. One day she and a girl i was friends with were standing working at a table. she was wearing jeans that were too small and you could see her ass crack. My cock got so hard it was painful. I lost my mind took it out a few feet behind her. I beatoff and came in like 30 seconds. I shot a huge load that almost hit her. It was one of the biggest orgasms i've had, made my knees buckle. I felt really weird after, mostly because my friend was right there.

>tfw the friend saw the whole thing
kek

oil breaks down rubber and soap will dry out the skin giving you a leather dick.

xanthium gum and water is better. water based so it doesn't break down rubber condoms and its in the flour isle at grocery stores

Or you know. Just buy lube. Crazy shit, I know.

again, you need to reapply lube depending on how viscious it is. if its too slippery, it'll slip away from friction spots, which is where you actually need it. try using thicker lubes, like ky or water-based anal lube to prevent needing to make multiple reapplications.

>next time use some lube, like soap or some oil
>like soap
>soap

dude... are you like... serious?

just thinking about it, brings back some dark,, hurtful, vietnam flashback like memories...

thought I was the only one who has tried that before, worst mistake of my life

soap is great for _gentle_ foreplay but anything more than gentle stroking is asking for trouble. cmon kids just buy some lube

indeed brother, i share your feels...
`tis was darktimes, very dark indeed, the agony and shed of the tear with each passing pain... death was the only solution

theres almost a 90% chance that the soap will roll into your urethre throup the stroke unless you`re consciencly avodiing the tip of your dick

> Throw it off an overpass onto highway traffic
> Hilarity ensues
> Post video here
> ?????
> Profit

Yeah, it is rude to beat off in front of friends without asking first.

Etiquette, user. Learn it.

Nah, I didn't get caught. Like half a dozen times back then I'd get so hard behind a chick I'd take it out and blow a load. Can't believe i did that shit, risky and crazy. I used to get stoned before I had study hall with this chick in the pic. id cut a hole in my pocket, wear a condom and slowly jerk till i came. One day i did it with the teacher sitting next to me. she was hot too. the girl in the pic was sleeping with her mouth open. I came so hard thinking off fucking her mouth i moaned. that was the only time i got caught. The hot teacher told me never to do it again and she didn't get me in trouble. I must have cum to that chick in class like 20 times

Blood is lube. You stopped too soon.

never been a problem for me or my partners and if it was id take that as a sign to move on to real lube which everyone should have on hand

Tried to fuck a subwoffer that had a hole on it. Needless to say that it wasnt good

Had a big toy parrot. Tore the stitching at the bottom of it, put on a condom, turned the light off and fucked it while thinking of my neighbour.
Oh yeah, it was awesome too. Kept doing it until the stuffing was too worn and then went back to jacking off.

rubbed my friend's dog's dick until I came in my pants while he was right next to me.

he probably knew

Sometimes I wouldn't be completely hard when jacking off. My dick would get all beaten up and would be swollen the next day. When my cock was swollen wanking was so good.

im sorry to say this story is legit.
>be me
>at time 6-8
>be every weekend at my moms house
>when she isnt in the room i get really bored
>there was a corner of some sort, it was wooden.
>i had my dick with me as it seems and it was in my pants.
>i pushed my body against my dick and at the corner
>i searched for the right spot on the D
>found some nerves in the middle of the D
>i got into the air and my entire body wight was lying on the fucking dick
>felt fucking great
>neurons were firing as fuck
>i got off of the corner as soon as i heard anything

for 3 weeks and randomly thereafter i was doing this.
my dick is totally normal today, slightly bent down but whatever.

Why not use a girl you pathetic faggot. This place is littered with Virigin Cucks.

hes probably circumcised.

How does it feel to have a useless mutilated penis OP? It will never feel as good a normal, un-mutilated dick.

>Tfw you made that mistake more than once

I would jack off to this chicks ass sometimes. we were neighbors and i'd walk behind here on the walk home from the bus. a few times id take it all the way out. lucky she never looked back. we actually became really good friends. it was weird thinking i used to do that and now she was my buddy.

Ha ha ha you got an anteater. Shit is gross AF. Your dick smells worse then your ass.

Is not mutilated faggot, I actually can't see blood in muh dick.

Dude you can buy a proper toy for that at a sex shop for like $20.

The insecurity.

but it would aggregate you know. the blood.

this guy actually has a great story and every other moron is focused on soap vs oil. Good job user

yes im virgin.

Anyone likes my shit story so i know if its worth telling ?

Fucked a cat once.

Regret it every single day.

And yes I still have that cat and it hasn't come near me since.

elaborate.
How did it feel
what was the cat doing
why did you do that w
what was situation and so on
>greentext

No. Your English is terrible.

who hasnt?

Only 3 times? I've had periods when i wanked 7 times a day until some time ago I could hardly get it up. When I had sex with a woman the first time I couldn't get it up and it stayed semi soft the whole time and I wanted to crawl into a hole and die

...

i guess you are right. english is a shitty language imo.
please analyze my flaws thanks.

if you go thru the trouble of making this shit id recommend getting a fleshlight. i remember i tried making one of these back in the day

is this a new meme

idk i think memes need to be better cropped

Raped my roommate who is a girl.

All I gathered from your story was you pressed your baby dick into a piece of wood.

well one time i was so horny that i thought about fucking my dog. i played with her pussy (shit was wet lol) had dick out but couldnt bring myself to fuck her.

other times id jerk off with my moms or sister panties

it's a meme as long as you want it to be one

Convinced my roomate that i'm a girl so he would "rape" me

...

erm

...

cool. ill create the meme wiki page for it. i can see it now. why son why? will be huge

>Went through a panty stealing phase
>In college
>Freshman year in dorms
>Did lots of laundry, looks for excuses to wash clothes, sheets, etc
>Would swipe panties, blow a load in them, and put them back in the wash
>Never got caught, I'm a goddamned panty ninja
>Swiped a particularly slutty g string, pic
semi-related
>Painted them white-er, back they went
>Go out to house party that night, roommate works on dinner cruise boat so tons of stolen liquor on hand, instant access granted
>Start bartending, easy way to socialize
>9/10 asks me for my "specialty"
>Um, OK, proceed to invent drink that ends up tasting exactly like a blueberry muffin
>I'm now party MVP, I make them until the ingredients run out
>9/10 says something like "wanna taste MY muffin?"
>bruh
>She take me to bedroom, we get into it, she lifts her skirt
>It's those fucking panties
>I'm so hard I'm dizzy
>I move them to the side and proceed to pump her full of child chowder, cum so hard I almost pass out, legitimately seeing stars
>She puts herself back together and we rejoin the festivities
>She's none the wiser
>Fucking panty ninja

Well you shouldn't use a tiny glass for it.. Get a long cylinder and use lube. Congratulations now you can properly masturbate with it.

not into. you dont understand.
the corner was pointed and my dich was not in the wood rather than the wood was poking my dick. it was pressing against my dick and i was pressing with my body against my dick so it was trapped between the wood and my body. its a wonder it is still intact.

i meant analyze my bad english please.

thats just rude.

i jerked it so hard in the shower one time that i ripped my foreskin, there was blood everywhere.

To bad it wasn't a tweeter, those are nothing but treble.

KEK

...

>be home alone
>sister has used bathroom before she went out
>toilet is playing up
>hasn't flushed properly
>one of her turds in the bowl
>rubbed it all over my dick
>painted my nipples brown
>licked it
>scat tastes salty btw
>beat my dick like it owed me money
>came buckets
>felt guilty even as the jizz was erupting from my balls
>had a shower
>had another shower
>and another
>never did anything like that again

what the fuck does this have to do with masturbating?

She was always real nice to me, real sweetheart. I would chat with her sometimes while I slowly stroked my cock through my pocket. I wonder how common shit like that is? I'd act normal and get along with those girls, while id cum big loads right next to them. The orgasms were always intense

So what, you humped the corner of a cabinet?

`I WANT TO DIE

nothing to be ashamed of user , i used to masturbate into my sisters panties when i was 16 and she was like 19 , she was a goddess , so fucking hot ,and sometimes when she comes back from the gym i smell her sexy socks.

...

Boi

then die an hero

>nothing to be ashamed of
>eating your sister's feces
>nothing to be ashamed of

fuck you

Shower once a day and there's no problem to it.

also, pissballoon. You'll never feel the satisfaction of producing a pissballoon.

i lick my sisters piss when she leaves the bathroom , and sometimes i smell her ass when she is asleep

CHOCOLATE STARFISH, AND THE HOTDOG FLAVOURED WATER

>ive never made a piss balloon
Im going to try that

lol nice
i stole the girl up my streets panties and bra once, i was pretty drunk but never got caught.
wanted to fuck her since i can remeber... maybe one day shes kinda my dream girl

post results

where you from m8

>be taking a shower
>wash ass with shower head
>little spray of hot water shoots up my hole
>feelsgoodman
>do it some more
>couple of wet farty bubbles squeak out
>get hard
>push shower head up my ass and spray boiling water on prostate
>balls starting to twitch
>suddenly I'm ejaculating semen and diarrhea
>boiling diarrhea shooting from my mouth and nose
>bathroom flooded with septic half-digested food and semen
>sister comes in, starts writhing on the floor massaging stinking semen mix into her vagina
>don't you ever knock?
>she starts giving birth to puppies
>every puppy has my face

ok then it is a shitty story xD i can laugh at this shit. i seen a thread where an user had his dick in an aperture and he did wear it all night. it pulled at his dick

Used to blow up one of my sister's "water wings" up, lotion up my cock and fuck it. Feels good man.

That...that's fucking gross

Maybe i can write a coherent sentence. i will try to improve now. maybe it will help when i concentrate. challenge me.

>germanfag

>Be me, 11
>House-sitting with grandma since cousin(female) was away
>taking care of grams in morning, fap session at night
>3rd night, decided to use cousins clean lingerie
>mid-way thru sesh, hears "user?!" thru the window
>bitch promised to be home 4TH DAY
>turns off monitor, ejects dvd and stuff panties in my

shorts the quickest way possible
>cousin comes in with a questionable look on face
>with dvd turned over, gesture a wiping motion with my shirt

to hide/imitate that i wasnt fapping
>metagross.jpg
>mumbles "was cleaning your cds"
>not talked to for 18 years

good timez

>be 10
>would ride my razor scooter all over the neighborhood
>one day i lean my dick up against handle bars when riding
>feelsgoodman.jpg
>on this day i rode to the top of this bumpy hill and went down with my dick on the handle bars over and over
>wasn't old enough to cum but eventually orgasmed
>holyshit.png that was fucking awesome
>immediately felt guilty
>didn't ride scooter for weeks