Theater doesn't sell crab legs

>theater doesn't sell crab legs

What are some kid friendly movies for my wife's son?

tfw browsing 4chin on a friday night

fuck off you worthless knuckle dragger

>theater has a no falcon policy

Go to the local Kinoplex

Robert, my nigga! How's my wife doing?

Yeah because you assholes let them steam my lump crab meat

saturday morning

>theater doesn't have showers

>Dad died by getting his scuba tank caught on the cinema oil rig support beam while trying to swim into the underwater showing of Need For Speed

you know how loud the crunching is when someone eats crab legs? i wouldn't even be able to hear the movie

why the fuck do theaters even sell food? are you telling me you can't wait 2 hours for the film to be over to eat?
i don't go to theaters anymore. when i did go i would always find popcorn in my seat, and it would be sticky and shit

feels good man

There's a class action for that.

>tfw moving in to college tomorrow
>tfw they blocked Sup Forums
>tfw won't be able to browse Sup Forums memes

Because that's the main source of income for theaters you dumb fuck.

Run user. Run away and never return.

niqqa what? where are you going?

DATS DA JOOOOOOKE!!!

I can't sue them for thinking the movie was shit

>theater doesn't have spaghetti pits

you're all missing out

and nothing of value was lost

How is this even out of the ordinary?

Australian cinimas serve full 3 course meals with spirits/beer/wine, brought to your chair.

yeah but the kangaroo pouches are so uncomfortable to sit in, i hate it when you have to share with a joey and it keeps kicking you the entire time through the movie

Made it easier to stay awake through the Revenent

>kinoplex

kek

My sides can't handle these posts anymore

i dont understand Sup Forums memes

>local kinoplex requires a cover letter and portfolio before you're allowed to become a member
>sent in my signed copy of Problem Child 2 and a 200 word essay on the cultural importance of Megashark vs Crocosaurus

wish me luck lads

>not being able to use the steam™ from your Crab legs to help heat up your forge to craft a new chastity cage for Robert's Post-kino extravaganza
>Having to lie to the security officer by the ticket checker that the anvil in your trenchcoat is actually a rocket launcher, and you were the 999,999th DTS who gets to use it
>letting everyone down

Iktf user

>mom missed the landing zone jumping out of the theater helicopter
>died in collision with the truck full of crab legs

Don't worry sir, she's clipped and not in heat.

>tfw local kinopleqsue changed Cloak Night to Tuesday
>tfw pre-screening showers are falling into state of disrepair (though post-screening facilities are still quite nice)
>tfw exterior moat has been drained
>ftw in-theater gift shop only sells bengals sweatshirts (pats fan here)
>tfw mid-viewing exercise alarm system is rigged to go off every 30 minutes now instead of every 45
>tfw in-theater horse and pony rides have been cancelled

at least we still have zwaffle

Why is Robert always in charge of the crab legs? Is Lane just on a smoke break all the time? Lazy slacker.

>mfw your falcon is flying around with the other falcons in the aviary and you can't recognize which falcon is yours

Holy fuck there goes my sides

somebody has the blueprint of the perfect kinoplex?

KEK

>nervously contemplate talking to the cashier

yes robert, there is a problem....there isn't a spot to leave a tip on here

>subcharge

Did you mean surcharge?

>tfw you accidentally leave your anvil in the theater sauna and it loses its lubricant from the steam

anyone else ktf?

>not using a vpn

are you retarded?

>tfw a cute girl sits in front of you and her hair hangs over the back of the seat and you have to keep dropping things to have an excuse to bend over and sniff it and feel it softly brush against your face and maybe even taste a few silky strands and you contemplate tapping her shoulder and offering some of your Milk Duds that you've licked and dried off on your shirt so she'll secretly taste your spit which is basically kissing via third party

>little kid accidentally falls into the Butter Pool
>concession stand closes for two weeks
>butter on popcorn still tastes beefy for months and months afterwards

>underwater showing

damn never seen this iteration of that meme

What is all of this shit in here?

Sup reddit.

...

In middle school I would go to the movies with people I knew every weekend, now I sit at home on Sup Forums

Where did it all go so wrong

Sup my fellow redditor

>wanted to go see Soo-cye-squa
>enter theater, no singles security officers eye me and the prostitute I hired from Craigslist at 200/hr
>bleached my crotch before leaving, get through penis inspection
>about to make it to the ticket window
>suddenly I feel ah ultra thin string graze the top of my head
>bells start ringing, security mobilizes and forms a phalanx position encircling me and my hooke
>turns out I triggered the manlet wire by being under 6'
>am hauled out to the back and kicked out
>call my mom to come pick me up
>prostitute comes round back
>let's go home son

>its a Sup Forums fever dream meme episode

>someone dropped a deuce in the cinema sauna again

>Not letting go of your browny-wowny friendie-wendies in the Designated Shitting Sauna

>my friend and I decide to plan a trip to the local kinomatograph
>since we won't be singles, we decide to leave our falcons at The Bent Perch, a local hook-up joint for avians
>we save $140 each by bundling our train tickets to MovieTown™ with our tickets to the Totino's™ KinoBowl Stadium
>train trip passes by pretty uneventfully; only one Regal Entertainment™ raider caravan tries to hit us up, and they only got the caboose
>the cavity search as we hit the MovieTown™ border station was pretty gentle, too
>from the train station, it's only a few blocks down Roosevelt-Huggies™ Avenue to this small mom-and-pop restaurant we love
>the place is called McDonald's®, and they have the best shrimp ceviche. Highly recommend it.
>anyway, we grab two orders of the ceviche and some dry champagne as an apéritif
>they even throw in a free Corgi food-jockey to carry the food for us (we still have to pay him a few bones as a tip, though)
>from there, we hitch a ride on the monorail straight to the stadium
>the game is the local MovieTown™ Red-Tails against the CineMark™ Eleonoras, with a concurrent screening of Ben-Hur
>we grab our seats, and the game and movie begins
>movie and game are both pretty boring until the 4th inning/2nd act
>suddenly, the star batter for the Red-Tails hits the strongest ball of the night, and it's heading straight for our part of the stands
>outfielder for the Eleonoras makes a bee-line for it
>but our batter hits a stray updraft as he's heading for second base, and he collides mid-air with the Eleonora
>they start tearing into each other with their talons directly over our heads
>the Eleonora tears out our batter's eye, no doubt ending his bright Falcon-ball career prematurely
>Red-tail starts shitting himself in fear, and we get splattered with a liquid mess of blood, shit, and piss
>our ceviche is fucking ruined, and we have to pay to dry-clean the Corgi
I wouldn't even be that mad about it, but I missed the big chariot scene too.

>tfw your falcon shits all over your crab legs
>tfw too poor to pay the fee for leaving your seat
>tfw have to try to eat around the shit
>tfw accidentally eat falcon shit and get addicted to it

Lol! xDD so random hehehe!

So did your mother save you from the prostitute or had you already paid the $200 upfront?

Lol! xDD so plebit hehehe!

She was the prostitute

I just finished the first draft of a 2,000 word long cinema story.
I'm not joking or exagurating

pastebin

It's on paper now. I'll upload it tomorrow.
It begins with me being a Lord Protector of the local KinoCinémaThéatre and dealing with some ruffians.

>go to 4-D premium showing of The Martian
>bought $500,000 no refund ticket using mom's credit card
>worth it because no singles policy
>trained 8 months for Mars mission to the Red Cineplex
>miss my flight to Mars because detained by TSA for hours
>not allowed to bring crablegs in the carry on
>tfw finding out my crew blew up in orbit
>tfw I had an high quality Rip saved onto my computer just in case my rocket exploded

>go to my favorite kino zone to see the latest 3D kino
>my pig gets spooked by all the falcons and runs off
>end up in the theater smithy while trying to catch him
>spark flies off an anvil and right into my eye
>have to get theater surgery to remove my eye
>no longer have depth perception so can't watch 3D kino
:(
at least my pig is ok

>go to local kinoplex
>they require 3-5 years of experience and 5 personal references for entry

Fuck what do I do? The only places that will let me in for experience only show flicks

>the nearest bathroom is the one in the hall of mirrors

>Here's your popcorn, big guy. That's no charge for you

I didn't see that in the snack plan I just filed with the co-cashier.

>when you disrobe to use the cinema showers and all the girls laugh at you when they see your penis.

when will it end? Even my falcon was embarrassed to be seen with me.

how does a falcon show embarrassment?

uh... you have to bring friends.

Who paid you to grab the crab legs?

In every movie I've seen they hang their heads down and cover their face with one wing.

Fuck this guy.

>tells me there's a no singles policy
>then tells me I can't bring my friends

What the fuck, Bill

W-what happened to Robert?