Broke Sup Forumsoi wasted my college years playing jazz

Broke Sup Forumsoi wasted my college years playing jazz.
Landlord is coming tomorrow morning, gave me the final notice to pay the rent. I have $43 in my account.
Post any pic and I'll write a >greentext about it
or
I can post about my weird jazzboi life

why do you have no cash. Rent too much? No job? nigga what the fuck happened

I crashed my friend's car last summer when we were on tour. I broke my foot in the same accident. I had to pay $500 to insurance and a bunch of cash to physio.
I had loans and bursaries but I'm in my last semester of uni and they won't give me any more money.
Also, my parents are getting divorced and it turns out my dad basically siphoned all their savings out of the joint account so I can't rely on mommy bailout.
I teach music to kids part time and pick up jobs when I can; I was working in a restaurant this summer but I had to stop b/c of the car crash

Sorry bro honestly.Your obviously going to get evicted. I would go live with my mom if you can. Or a friend while you find a stable job, McDonald's, target , anything man. Then go on from there. I know 1 bedroom apartments are cheap at least where I live. Don't stress it's life.

first story
>be me
>in college a few years ago
>december; finals
>broke as fuk
>make a facebook post offering a bunch of services in exchange for money
>some are jokes "sexual services" etc, some are legit "write your essay", etc
>9/10 black girl in my english class adds me on facebook
>slim, curvy, phat lips, what dat ass do
>she messages me
>"hey I never do this but I'm really busy studying nursing, do you think you could write my essay?"

>pretend to be alpha as fuck
>yeah sure, send me some writing samples, whatever
>she sends me an essay
>THE NEXT DAY
>I'm broke as fuck, make myself some bread for like $1
>She messages me "Hey wyd?"
>"nm just working on your essay, just made me some bread"
>baker.png
>"hbu"
>"oh nm.... anyway i want you to rape me"
>wut
>try to play it cool
>"it's not rape if you ask for it"

>turns out she's super religious jehova's witness virgin
>"i want you to fuck me"
>ok.jpeg
>"but only in the ass, the vagina is S A C R E D"
>try to explain she won't be able to take a dick dry up the ass if she's never had any ass play before
>"if you love me you'll do it"
>"listen lady I don't love you but I'll fuck you up the ass if you come over tomorrow"
>meanwhile I finish her essay (she got an A)

Amazing.

>THE NEXT DAY
>I tell my roommates (a couple) about this weird shit
>they agree to play along
>the jehova's witness girl comes over
>sees roommates in living room
>"oh yeah, that's my roommate and his cousin, they're like really close"
>they go into their bedroom
>"like REALLY close"
>start making sex noises
>the girl is visibly both disturbed and turned on
>i bring her into my room
>we start making out
>she says "I want you to call me a slut"
>I'm half-heartedly like "ok... you're a slut"
>no, I want you to mean it"
>"ok, you're a slut, you're a fucking bitch"
>I slap her
>she starts crying
>"You don't respect me"
>she starts crying
>"you think my dad is a cab driver because I'm black"
>wtf.gif
>mfw i put it in her butt anyway
>mfw she still payed me $50 to write her essay

second story
>be me
>about 20yo
>just got back from LA visiting my cool uncle
>feelsgoodman.jpeg
>play a jazz show with this trumpet player I know
>this fucker always suits, thinks he's Dr Who or some shit
>the next day he texts me
>"hey bro wanna play a house party on the weekend? open bar, plenty of hot girls, good pay, it's 'jazz theme'"
>I'm like "you had me at open bar"
>SATURDAY
>It's far af in the suburbs, my friend's dad picks me up from the metro station and drives us there
>We're both wearing suits
>Ring the doorbell
>a 6'2" neckbeard in full ren faire gear opens the door
>"Welcome my friends!"
>whatdidigetmyselfinto.html

Heh, the 1st one made me chuckle

>We go inside, it's all 18yo neckbeards and tumblristas
>girls with purple hair on the couch in corsets
>the host brings us to the kitchen to show us the bar
>two fucktards in fedoras pretending to be bartenders
>"want a drink? we can look it up on youtube!"
>they only have fucking fruit liquors and malibu
>I spot a bottle of rum in the corner
>I'll have that straight
>It's gonna be a long night
>We meet up with our piano player, a nice straight-edge church-going boy
>drinkthis.png
>all these 18 year olds are downing horrible cocktails
>I bet the trumpet player someone is gonna throw up before midnight
>this 6/10 beside me says she'll take me up on that bet
>wtf i didn't even know someone was there

>I take her up on the bet
>the hostboi says he found us a drummer
>ok cool
>points to this lanky fuck looking like a daddy long legs wearing what's obviously his dad's coat and a fucking cravat
>the guy slinks over, doesn't make eye contact, generally weird as fuck
>he only has a snare drum
>whatever
>we start playing some jazz
>nobody cares
>I look around
>no one's drinking
>shit, I'm gonna lose that bet
>I lean to the piano player
>"Fmaj9, Gmaj9, Amaj9, Bbsus"
>Play a jazz reharm of Shots by LMFAO
>Try to lead a conga line to the bar
>mfw no one follows me
>I made the bartenders pour a dozen shooters
>The keyboard player, drummer and trumpet player take two each
>I take three more and then another one

thats 10

>reharmonization of shots
sounds awful
wish i woulda heard it

>second set
>I'm drunk af
>the girl from earlier is teasing me
>"you're gonna throw up just to win the bet"
>wtf aren't I playing a show
>realize I'm sitting on the couch between two girls
>realize I've been chatting up both girls while somehow playing walking bass?
>they both seem interested?
>weird
>show ends
>I go to the bar, make a couple solo cups of jungle juice
>one for the keys player, one for me
>keys player doesn't drink, he's wasted
>starts making out with this girl
>that'smyboy.png
>I'm wasted too, maybe I could make out with a girl
>girl from the bet comes up to me
>it's midnight
>you lost
>i give her five bucks
>we're making out
>I try to bring her into into the boiler room under the stairs to fuck
>she's like "wtf no there's a bunch of bedrooms you idiot"
>shit she likes me
>we go upstairs
>i'm falling everywhere
>tap her ass
>feel something hard, whatever
>get upstairs
>host is coming out of the washroom
>"shit good job man," he whispers "no one can get with her"
>k lol
>in bed with the girl
>sloppy making out
>try to put my hand down her pants
>"Hold on, I'll give you easier access"
>she undoes the velcro
>the velcro
>takes off her p r o s t h e t i c l e g
>her
>prosthetic
>leg

other two went to the bartenders

dont quit on me now you pussy. You did it RIGHT?

kek

>I'm drunk as fuck
>go with it
>fingerblast her haphazardly
>she gives me head
>I'm drunk af
>black out??
>fall asleep
>don't realize
>my friends have been looking for me for two hours
>I wake up "hey is it 1 oclock, I should probably go home"
>the one legged girl giggles "silly, it's 4am"
>whathaveidone.jpeg
>my boys burst into the room
>user we're leaving, come on
>I get dressed
>kiss the girl goodbye
>come out out of the room with what the trumpet player would later describe as the biggest shit-eating grin he'd ever seen
>take a cab back to his place
>tell they boys, we laugh our ass off
>make up too much noise, his dad wakes up, we tell him too, he lols too
>mfw the girl the keys player hooked up with stole his phone
>mfw a girl i was fucking fucked the one legged girl's bf the next night and he cried because my dick's bigger than his
and that's the story of how i fucked a one legged girl

Fucking gold m8

third story
>be me
>a couple years ago
>gf broke up with me, sad af
>drinking a lot
>decide to start an alter ego on tinder
>my friends and I had made papier-maché fish masks for haloween the year before
>make a tinder profile for Fish Jones, private eye
>take some pics of my shirtless lifting weights in my fish head
>take some pics of me in a Hugh Hefner jacket (rip) with my upright bass
>i am become Fish Jones, Private Eye
>get way too into it
>write a full-length jazz epic about Fish Jones
>11 musicians
>a bunch of tinder matches for Fish Jones
>message them all
>horrible fish puns
>"Blub blub let's fuck"
>"Hey baby wanna get wet"
>"I think we'd get along swimmingly"
>shit like that
>For some reason girls seemed to dig it

>my birthday comes around
>decide to book a show with three of my bands
>a showcase of me
>Admission is $5, or you can buy me a shot
>shots are $4
>looks like I'm getting wasted
>We're playing in the basement bar of a youth hostel
>Some Australian tourist falls off a chin-up bar and literally cracks his skull
>he took another shot before going to the hospital, the absolute warrior
>anyway, during the second set my boys from my hometown show up and buy me 15 shots
>this is not hyperbole, I took 15 shots in about 20 minutes, plus the beers I drank before, during and after
>I am W A S T E D
>mfw my dad is there
>Fish Jones is on third
>I'm too drunk
>We're opening with Cherokee at 300
>I can't walk with my feet let alone with my bass
>mfw the bari player has to play bass for the tune
>my friend brings me a glass of water, I chug it and smash it
>somehow I make it through the set

>a few weeks later, my buddy in film wants to make a promo video for Fish Jones
>film noir style
>I message a bunch of girls on Tinder, I want a girl to give my trumpet player friend a blowjob on screen
>mfw a girl actually responds
>she actually wants to meet this stranger in a fish mask to suck his friend's dick and maybe make a fish porn
>slutty redhead
>she shows up in a sexy-ass corset
>i give her a fur coat I had borrowed from a friend
>we go into an alley to shoot the video
>she's sucking my boy off
>i'm wearing a fucking fish head
>this other trumpet player is there too, his character kidnaps the first guy while he's getting his dick sucked
>they both got way too high
>we go back to the apartment
>the girl obviously wants to make this weird fish porn
>my film buddy is into it
>i can't convince the two stoned fucking trumpet players to leave
>we just sit around awkwardly
>film buddy gets weirded out
>fucking throws an orange at the girl
>she leaves
>mfw she stole the fur coat
and that's the story of how I assaulted a potential porn star with citrus while dressed as a fish detective

Legend

I wanted to share some Fish Jones tunes with you guys but Sup Forums reads my dropbox link as spam no matter how I break it up, any suggestions?

Well if your music career totally fails at least you know you can write detective novels featuring the famous fedora-wearing Fish Jones

post a picture of the link url maybe

Good call, here's some of my tunes from the Fish Jones repertoire. Keep in mind my trumpet section was high as fuck because they ate pot brownies before coming to the session. Not a bad job, considering, but still, some pitch issues.

OP, you a funny guy. long time since i laughed good on Sup Forums, thanks for this, and good luck with your life you jazzboi

through 3 of the tracks now. While I know fuck all about music, I do listen to a lot of jazz and I like this shit is pretty jammin. It falls apart completely at random times, but thats expected when its just some cats playin. I'd say if it was cleaned up this would be something I'd listen to on a regular basis

fourth story
>be me
>two years ago
>go play in another city with my band
>our singer buys acid from the singer of the other band
>fuckingsingers.html
>a few weeks later
>"hey man let's do this acid"
>lolk
>my friend had bought a projector that day
>we hook up the computers and set up three other computers
>full cyberpunk acid trip
>decide to google "Google"
>sodeepman
>read the wiki on Google while my boy is tripping in the bathroom
>google restructured under a new parent company named Alphabet Inc so they could invest more money into artificial intelligence, self-driving cars and life expanding drugs
>"holy fuck man we have to make an album about this"
>start talking about vaporwave
>remember, this is late 2015, vaporwave was still relevant
>we decide to record a vaporwave album about google
>get started that night
>basically we just ripped trap instrumentals and 80s guitar solos off youtube and slowed them down
>mfw that's what vaporwave is anyway
>it's getting late, like 5 am
>we're both coming down, talking about this new project
>suddenly, out of nowhere I am the highest I have ever been in my life
>Absolute disconnect from reality
>it seems to me like I'm falling into an old computer monitor that's playing through youtube videos of 3D graphics of dolphins and palm trees
>I'm laughing my ass off
>try to explain to my friend that my subconscious is projecting internet aesthetic back at me
>way too high
>i choke out "my brain is giving me unfunny memes"
>the youtube visuals fall away and a giant dog head wearing sunglasses appears
>the dog transforms into guy fieri with rainbow hair
>it's then that I realize there really is no god, or at least if there is, I'm not finding him in drugs

>my faithful trumpet boy gets in on the action
>books us a gig with some DJ promoters he knows
>wtf man we don't have any songs and none of us know how to DJ
>I end up learning how to live sample in a week, I did it like a fucking asshole, my technique sucked and I'm ashamed
>we bought some windbreakers and spraypainted "marijuana" in japanese on the back
>the DJ promoters were pissed we showed up and freaked out their crowd with acid jazz vaporwave instead of whatever they though we were gonna be?
>mfw it was at the same youth hostel venue as the Fish Jones show
>fast forward four months
>it's april
>decide it'd be funny to release this bullshit vaporwave album on 4/20
>mfw we get booked for a bunch of out of town gigs
>mfw we get booked to open a prestigious hip hop jam
>this isn't even a real band guys
>it's just some beats I made in my bedroom

thanks anons

>we get booked at a show in a city two hours away in a venue called "the K-hole"
>lolk
>we drive down, show up
>no one in the fucking place
>it's just an apartment
>eventually some guy comes up from the basement and tells us the owner is out
>we go and get drunk
>come back, set up
>I notice they have an XBox
>do you have YouTube on that?
>they do
>I put on a 4 hour playlist of ads for Google Japan
>vaporwaveasfuck.vape
>every time our drummer hits the kick is makes the Xbox jump and glitches the visuals
>I do a rap mentioning "checking that ass with the Google Glass"
>a tall black transgendered woman chews me out for half an hour about that problematic lyric
>mfw

I have a bunch more jazz stories but I gotta go to sleep now, maybe I'll be back tomorrow.
I have a good one written out already, it's about 30 pages long. Not greentext but a pretty entertaining story about benefiting from playing for rich people in a manor in the middle of the woods.

you better be back