Your door is getting kick in, and basically you are fucked

Your door is getting kick in, and basically you are fucked.
you have 5 seconds.
What weapon do you grab to defend yourself?

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i sick my cat on them

I grab my browning pistol beside my night stand and go to town on those fuckers.

Ruger LC9 I keep on me at all times

Use my magnum dong to fuck them to death

I have three pistols on the desk, and AK beside me, two ARs at the door, and a shotgun in the closet. I might be okay.

Have a kabar knife sitting on a shelf above my computer, but I did MMA from 4 years old until 17 when UFC became popular so I can defend myself without weapons/also trained with a knife. Fuck UFC becoming popular it ruined my hobby. Just like vidya. I hope hockey doesn't get ruined.

MMA looks like two fags having sex and suddenly one decides he's not gay.

Aww. I miss the pasta version that was like

>*BOOM*
>*BOOM*
>*CRASH*
>That's all it takes for a burglar to break down your door

And then people would start posting the lyrics to We Will Rock you. Those were good times.

My grandfathers pump action Winchester, that is loaded with buck shot, and makes the most satisfying pump sound you will ever here.

FULL NELSON

my sides
i miss that era of Sup Forums where creative genius could turn any boring thread into a parody of itself

>knock knock
>ma'am it's the police, your son has been killed by a hit and run driver, the driver was an alcohol

...

I keep pepperspray, knives, and a taser in both rooms.

Duel wielded ceramic coffee mugs. Clonk the fucker good

fixed blade large serrated survival knife, gonna stab me some home invader

i bought a big meat cleaver at a 99 cent store (they charge whatever they want, and it was probably like 4 bucks.) because of "the sopranos" film "cleaver". it was meant to be a prop joke at the time but i kept it as a home defense weapon. i pity the poor fool that i swing it at. it's really fucking sharp; i could shave with it.

a bokken i got a couple years ago to fuck around with

>Hear the crook
>Come out completely nude
>Rock hard cock
>Criminal:”WHAT THE FUCK”
>proceed to chase guy out with my penis still erect

Indeed it does. Hence why I stopped 10 years ago. Doesn't mean it's a useless skill. I could fuck up the average chad at a bar.
>I've been doing TAPOUT NO RULES for 5 years
lol try over a decade growing up with that shit. I've been in bar fights against 2 guys and once 5+ and came out fine.

The tv, since the perpetrator is black i will assume my tv will be his target and also his weapon of choice

>He sees me naked
>He leaves
Otherwise I have a Mosin-Nagant of all things closest to the bed. They really do not have issues jamming up.

I have a .22 and a .45 next to my monitor. Guy's fucked.

My 12 gauge.

>might
lol.
i like this guy.

>run to back room
>wait
>when nignog comes into room I throw small old tv at full force

Nugget? So you can shoot the guy robbing your neighbor's house from behind your refrigerator.

etc. i'm also 6'3" so picking up a knife is actually stupid because the intruder probably has a better chance if I drop/lose it. I'll just break his ankle or arm before I grab a knife. I honestly bought it for hiking/camping.

you assumed wrong and are now being flogged senseless with your own bicycle.

...

My lamp probably, the thing doesn’t work though I think I have to replace the bulb

The knife in my boot and the revolver right next to me.

Good enough for protecting Mother Russia, good enough for protecting my humble abode. I highly recommend stacking the odds; if there's only one version of the story fewer questions need be asked.

big scissors, you can kill with it easily

a gun....or another gun. or that other gun. have a .45acp and a semi auto 12ga, and an O/U 20ga to choose from in this room. probably all 3

...

throw dirty litterbox

My moist nugget, I'll blow a crater sized hole in his chest, then stick with bayonet

pen

or spoons

KEK

once had a little kid barge into my apt thinking it was her home. No one saw her enter.
Dont know why, but it reminded me of it.

I have no weapon near me so I submit, bending over naked on all fours giving my ass to the intruder

I pull the dragon dildo from betwense my buttcheeks and spring into action, slashing at him and impaling him.

Gun. If you don't have a gun, baseball bat. These are the only correct answers.

Anybody trying to use a sword or a knife or some other bullshit in a panic situation doesn't understand the intricacies of actually using a bladed weapon to effect in the heat of the moment.

Grab my balls

Fucking Kek

this is all i got
>heresjohnny.jpg

Confess

My AR next my bed.

DP12

Either my 9mm CZ75 loaded with Federal HSTs or my AR15.

Pewpew.

My Gen. 4 Glock 19 because I'm a faggot.

I actually have my great grandfather’s sword he used in the Pacific during WWII still in its sheathe and oiled

Jesus Christ.

He has a tiny bayonet kek

Throw my pen and clog the robbers gun and tell him to shoot. Easy peasy

just did.
She was crying and screaming trying to get into a locked back apt door she thought was hers. I simply unlocked it.
The look on her face when she stumbled in only to see me was priceless. One hell of an introduction.

Did she ever leave?

First of im spic he should know better them to steal from me. Anyways closest thing to me is strat so he better be ready to get an electric guitar smashed over his head in a comical fashion. Or a knife to the next if i can get thedesk across my room

>intricacies

I've been a part of HEMA and fighting with a longsword for 5 years now, and my expertise tells me any dumb fuck tard can poke and stab with something sharp. It's not like you have to be Rouroni Kenshin to throw the fucking thing at them. Do you even have enough room to swing a bat Joaquin Phoenix?

of course, what am I?

My fucking sides! I remember that i miss the old days

What ARE you?

anonomus

I got a hammer in the closet next to a long stick. Although before I read this post I wouldn't have been able to pre-meditate grabbing said things. I would have probably gone to the door as I am now naked. Then stare terrified at the door since my reaction time to such an event would be begrudgingly slow.

Mosin Nagant
He never saw the bayonet comming

Dawnguard War Axe, because pictured related committed crimes against Skyrim and her people.

Underrated post

My leather whip, while wearing my newly acquired gimp suit

Cumming*

Checked.
Pics, for scientific purposes ofcourse.

OK. You're free to walk out that door.

...

I use my rock hard dick to open his head

>5+ plus guys at once

user is a faggot and a liar

Fiberglass club and type 2 kevlar jacket I bought surplus. Actually at the foot of my bed.
Sadly I don't trust myself to own a gun responsibly, so I'm probably dead.

the old shillelagh my father gave to me when he died, i can easily take on a dozen men with it.

I am a weapon

the only way you get said trust is by buying a gun. so buy one already ffs

it's most likely the cops so ill just an hero

Le dildo, that faggot is gonna be penetrated hardcore to the point he dies

>hear door being kicked in
>get out of be think WHAT TO DO
>look over at my drone along side it a standard combat knife
>use my autistic wits to create my autisic wepon
>pull open my door and let loose my knife drone
> criminal will be in shock to see a drone that is being used so bad hovering towards him
> criminal runs away
> i go back to bed

Glass A&W mug I use for water

I'll just flick my finger and that will cause them to be decapitated. Simple, user.

My gerber folding knife that I keep beside me on my nightstand. I then jump up and stab that mother fucker repeatedly until he stops moving.

pocket crossbow loaded with my sharpest number 2 pencil.

>intricacies of actually using a bladed weapon to effect in the heat of the moment.
Man it's not like you have to go all kung fo samari on the motherfucker, it's not that difficult to stab a person to death with a kitchen knife. Loosen up the fedora hat.

I'll place my 6'5 full nude body in the door opening, raging boner and muttering something in Latin.
>if you seem crazy enough they don't feel like robbing you

...

Either of the two Glocks, S&W9c or my AR that I keep next to my bed.

my hands
solid chance i die

I'm good
>fuckin sideways pic
reee

litteraly swinging a kitchen knife in the general direction is enough to scare of basic intruders

>keep AR out incase shtf
>shtf
>dont use AR
youd never let yourself down...

youtube.com/watch?v=9PiHHi94bWk

The phone and call 911.

I don't believe in gun rights so I depend on the police to get here in a timely fashion and save my life

Stabbing usually best, it's easy to block a swing, maybe even get lucky and disarm you, but a stab is a little harder to counter.

is this bait

Nothing. Basically I am fucked, therefore I die.

I grab my phone and desperately call the police. I live in Australia, where the intruder has more rights than me