Can I get a feels/vent thread, Sup Forums? I just need to get shit off my chest so that I don't have a meltdown tonight

Can I get a feels/vent thread, Sup Forums? I just need to get shit off my chest so that I don't have a meltdown tonight.

I'm just normal enough to be able to get through basic social interaction, but also autistic to the point that being social is almost physically painful to me.

I'm able to hide my pain, and fear, and anxiety, but when it overflows, I'm suddenly the bad guy for it.

I don't have any genuine friends to talk to about my concerns and fears. I don't have anyone to hold me and tell me it's ok to cry.

I fucking hate myself, and who I am. Every attempt to better myself has ended incredibly poorly, and I always lose my motivation and energy and fall back to my natural depressed state. I want to kill myself, but I'm too scared to.

I'm just smart enough to know my life is shit, that I'm never going to rise above what I am now without a lot of work that I'm mentally incapable of doing, because I'm too much of a brainlet.

I'm in the middle between normal and broken, and I just want to be normal. That's all I want. To be able to get and hold a steady job, to be able to have friends and a social life, to be able to get a girlfriend if I so choose.

But, I'm not able to, despite my best efforts.

Whatever, though. That's just life.

Have you tried being honest, while trying your best to socialize?
People tend to detect when you are pretending to be in a mental you are not in and will consider you untrustworthy because of it.

hang in there, chief
every day try to push yourself even in small ways
smile a lot and listen more

mental state*

I've tried that, user. When I'm not trying to fake it until I make it, everyone finds me irritating and weird. When I let myself go, even my few close IRL friends don't want to be around me. That's why I have to fake it. Especially in stressful situations like a job interview. That's where my autism really shows. There's a reason I haven't had a job in almost a year.
That's what I've been trying to do, but I'm running out of mental and emotional energy to push myself even an inch. I've gotten myself stuck in the biggest rut I've ever been in, and I feel like I'm going to live the rest of my life in it.

Cognitive behavioral therapy user.
Go get it and get the tools to deal with your issues.

Have you ever been to therapy?
Maybe you're a narcissist and need to learn to care more for someone else

>I fucking hate myself and who I am
I fucking hate you, too. What a pussy. Get a belt and Robin Williams yourself.

Yeah, that's probably a good idea. I'm going to the psychologist for a full evaluation soon, so hopefully after that, I'll be able to get the help I need.
And maybe autismbux as well, just to help cover my living costs while I try to find work.
I grew up with narcissistic parents. I was raised to pretty much rip myself apart just so that I can make someone else happy. It's both my nature and my upbringing. I highly doubt I'm a narcissist.
Maybe I will, user. Maybe I will.

In order to Robin Williams yourself, you need millions of people to love you for your acting and comedy though and then get a belt.
If op can't even hold down a few friends, I don't think he can recreate what Robin Williams did.

Martyring yourself for others can also be a narcissistic trait user, but get professional help to figure it out instead of depending on our (lacking) knowledge.

touché, user. I can’t argue that.

I actually never really knew that. Huh.

Honestly, if I do end up having NPD, I'm probably going to be crushed. I've been living my life trying to be, well, the opposite of that. Being the thing I despise the most in life would be fucking painful in a spiritual way.

I was pretty pleased with it myself as well, although I'm kicking myself for not mentioning that op should also somehow get a gorilla to mourn his death as well.

OP Where you live?

Diagnosis don't define you though, they give you a framework of what you have to work with in order to improve.
I think I'm getting my Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis soon, but that won't mean I have no course of action, it just means that I'll know which areas to work on.

California. I hate it here, but moving out of state requires money I don't have.
Fair enough, fair enough. Although still, that diagnosis would definitely hurt.

My bad, see that post

You sound like my buddy. If you are ever in utah, I'll introduce

Of course it would, I'm not exactly thrilled about my brain chemistry being vastly different from other people, but I managed to grow social skills from the age 13 through 19, simply by observing and asking people questions.
Once you know what is wrong, you can do things to fix it.

That depends on whether or not I even get out of Cali to begin with, but sure, sounds good.

We wants to move out of state to. He is thinking Oregon.

Oregon isn't too bad. I've been debating Midwest area for if and when I move out. Low cost of living

...

Sure, let's dump some images.

...

I have this penpal in Poland. We've been writing letters to each other back and forth for almost a year now. We agreed to exchange packages for each other. Yesterday I got the package she sent me. It had vintage postcards of her hometown and the other major Polish cities. It had some Polish coins. It had some other cool things inside. The weird thing that it had though, was one of her old earrings. I guess she had lost the matching one, and she thought I would like it. It looks pretty to be sure, but it felt strange. We met online, both sort of looking for a relationship, but also not really expecting one to happen. Well...now it might be becoming something. I mean, we're talking on Telegram now. The past couple days we've talked about things through the day. She works third shift with an IT company, so while she's at work we'll chat about things.

I don't know how I feel about her though, I don't know if I'm really attracted to her physically. I've seen pictures of her, more than a few actually. It's weird, but in some of her pictures she looks really cute and in others not so much. Also, long distance relationships are really fucking difficult. I'm already anxious for a physical relationship. Not a sexual one, I miss holding hands, cuddling, sleeping together, that sort of stuff. I don't know if she's dated anyone else. She seems incredibly introverted, like she gets out and does stuff because she travels often, but she doesn't go with anyone. There's a strong possibility that I am going to Germany later this year though, and I have no doubt that if I was there, she would come visit me.

Really though, that earring just felt like something more than friendship. Like she wanted me to have something that had been with her, been apart of her. I don't know if she can handle my baggage. I don't know if I'm really attracted to her. Ugh.

Anyway, I can post pictures of her if people want to see what she looks like and then they can judge her looks for themselves.

...

I just got a bj from my girlfriend a few minutes ago. Feeling pretty good right now.

...

I follow you my man

I just want my babygirl back....

Me too, user...
Me fucking too.

Why not meet up with her and see what happens?
Pictures rarely do people justice and once you've been around them for a bit, their personality might make what seems meh in a picture sexy in real life.

Since you're the only one who replied, I'll share this pic with you. Thanks for the advice.

She's a decent 6.5-7/10 user, if you like her personality and she's into you, I'd say give it a go.