>"[director/actor who's been out of the spotlight for over a decade] is back and better than ever!"
>"[director's/actor's] best movie since [the one movie they're famous for]!"
Xavier Edwards
>"a tour de force!" >"it'll have you on the edge of your seat!"
Jonathan Barnes
Critique my nuts nigga
Ian Roberts
>long review full of sophisticated sounding words that may as well be compressed to two sentences
Jack Collins
>"The movie is self aware"
>"The movie (doesn't) take itself too seriously"
>"This movie makes Wes Anderson feel like Bergman on crack"
>"It's the Citizen Kane of..."
>"It's not a movie, it's a film"
>Fucking anything about "aestethics"
Gabriel Bell
>"This movie makes Wes Anderson feel like Bergman on crack" What the hell does this even mean?
Sebastian Myers
this
William Brown
>Spellbinding
Blake Martinez
>the first half of the review is what the "critic" did the day he saw the movie
Noah Johnson
>director makes a successful movie >makes several less-successful movies afterward
>trailer for next movie: From the creator of "most successful movie" Always makes me laugh.
Easton Carter
>"The Donald Trump of movies"
Ryan Ward
>a thought provoking movie
Daniel Evans
>The Feel Good Movies of the Year >Once In A Blue Moon
William Long
>Injecting politics into film reviews >Film wasn't even remotely political
Robert Diaz
"It'll have you on the edge of your seat...."
What it really means is
"It'll have you on the edge of your seat after the first 10 minutes as you start to get up to leave"
Samuel Gray
Biggest newspaper in my country mentioned Trump in their Rogue One review.
Colton Collins
>it's a glib facsimile >doesn't say what it's a facsimile of
Dropped.
Kayden Green
>a provocative film >stunning and sexy!
Isaiah Moore
>This movie is brave >This movie dares to take risks >This movie brings up some important questions
Nathaniel Wilson
>The movie of the summer!
Is it? Is it fucking really?
Asher Collins
>"5/5 stars in cuntfuck magazine"
>"Watch it before it watches you"
>"Starring Oscar nominee "
Michael Sullivan
>This is a MUST SEE for every true cinephile
Juan Diaz
>It took 12 years to make! everytime
Andrew Hughes
>"redefining the genre"
Adam Edwards
>Oscar nominee
I don't give a shit. Nomination is worthless. If you're first, you're first, if you're second, you're nothing.
Jose Sanders
Every article I've read about the Super Bowl mentions Trump
Nolan Allen
>Three Laurel icon before the trailer
Nathaniel Mitchell
>"Shifting the boundaries of cinema" >"Grabs you by the balls and doesn't let go" >"Doesn't need crab legs" >"Shooter potential that makes the Dark Knight look like kindergarten" >"Atmospheric"
Grayson Turner
>The Citizen Kane of movies
Oliver Jones
>"The best movie of the year" >It's January
Josiah Perry
noooo flapper girl pls go
Levi Clark
>..but ultimately it falls flat
Benjamin White
>In this troubled political climate, this film is necessary...
and all related variants, like fuck off
Tyler Collins
"It's a movie that thought it was a film."
Also
"I like that there weren't many white people."
Mason Collins
honestly this
Joshua Jones
>watch it before it watches you Lol wtf?
Nathan Nguyen
>Best Film of the Year! >Released in January
Jose Williams
>incidentally it is a fun popcorn movie, albeit a bit problematic
Zachary Miller
>#1 (genre) Movie In America >Random assholes on Twitter review >A treat for the whole family
NONE OF THESE THINGS MEAN ANYTHING
The Twitter thing in particular. They couldn't get a good review for it otherwise so they resort to exploiting niggers and the poor?
Gavin Jones
I'm to pleb to understand this critic.
Luke Morris
Fuck off Kermode is at least better than 90% of the edgelords who cricticise everything.
Only movies ive disagreed with him about are Star Wars and Twilight
Jose Wilson
>it's about these testosterone-fuelled blokes being horrible to women