Visiting my local cinema/shootout zone

>visiting my local cinema/shootout zone
>order two tickets because of no singles policy
>say my date will arrive later
>guard give me a doubtful look but let me pass
>got two good seats all by myself
>lights turns off
>pre movie commercials start
>goes on for 45 minutes
>pre movie trailers start
>each trailer is 15 minutes and basically show the whole plot of the movie
>owner of the cinema holds a speech and congratulates every birthday kid in the audience
>the shooter is 15 minutes late
>shows up but had forgotten his ammo
>no birthday shootout for the birthday kids
>the audience is booing for a good 20 minutes
>the cinema sumo wrestler hits the gong
>"finally!" I think to myself
>nope, it's the pre movie circus show starting
>get up and leave, download a screener of the movie instead

hahaha.

>didn't bring his slow cooker and hotpot to eat just in time for the circus

>pre-movie trailers start
>it's all ISIS videos

"No this time, Josephine".

>didn't bring his portable campfire to roast marshmallows

>go to movies
>by myself
>order a popcorn
>watch Hacksaw Ridge in a mostly empty theater
>movie ends and having enjoyed myself I leave the theater
>on the drive home get pulled over for broken tail light
>officer hands me a ticket
>it says "violating NO SINGLES POLICY"
>wake up in the theater singles pen because someone is trying to steal my last redvine
>stab him in the eye
>feel nothing as the stench of death fills the pen and the other neckbeards look upon my kill with hollow hungry eyes
>the re-education reels have ended and Hacksaw Ridge is finally starting after 2 weeks of indoctrination
>bite the ends off my redvine and drink the blood out of the dead guys skull as I finally get comfy for Mel-kino

That's fucking brutal. Europe's cinema prisons are much more humane than america's it seems.

...

It's what you gotta do... it's what you gotta do.

>go to movies
>by myself
>can't get middle seats because they're reserved for the Dbox cucks
>top row has been blocked off by coats and one terrified looking kid
>grab seat in front
>the pre-show starts
>the pre-show repeats 5 times
>the trailers start but the projector shuts off
>some fucker spends 20 min apologizing
>the trailers start
>the trailers go on for 15 min
>Then the powerplay game starts, everyone open the powerplay app to win them sweet pointz
>Which aktor iz best, if u in majority u win!!!
>Jennifor Lawrentce wins...
>Film starts, some kid is kicking my seat and the D-box cucks can't figure out their intensity settings
>I leave.

this one meme that started from almost nothing proves Sup Forums is better than reddit

dumb frogposter

The only thing I still don't understand is the popcorn mines

You have to work in the mines before you cna see the movie. At my cinema there are butter mines too.

Yeah me neither. My local cinemas have salt mines, but I've never heard of popcorn mines.

I wonder will it evolve so much that it's a full on adventure seemingly completely unrelated to the cinema experience.

We already have falcons, shootouts, prisons, showers etc

>want to see the latest Marvel Capeflick
>ask my girlfriend if she wants to come
>buy 2 tickets
>arrive at cinema 10 minutes before movies start
>buy a beer
>movie is trash but had fun with gf
>go home

Looks like I quit going to the cinema just at the right time

>go to the falcon show/cinema
>forgot my falcon
>have to watch the whole movie in the no falcon booth
>the show the movie on a smartphone

>this is how i know youre full of shit
butter vineyards you idiot

Alright we believe you don't browse reddit, you're off the hook for now.

and then you awoke

>go to local kinoplex
>bring my carer
>pass the penis inspection
>enter the delousing cabin
>get some crablegs
>hear falcons screeching
>FUCK FUCK FUCK
>have to sit in the shooting area since I forgot my falcon
>trailers start playing
>shooter starts spraying his AKS-74U
>the guy in front of me gets a headshot
>tfw my crablegs are full of brain and skull fragments

This is the only untruthful post ITT.

>Go to the cinema all by myself
>Cashier asks were my girlfriend is
>"S-she, she... err... caught a cold hehe"
>He then asks about my friends
>"They... err... couldn't make it here, ya'know, traffic and stuff. heh
>He says nothing and hand me my ticket
>People start looking funny at me
>Go grab my seat
>Some people passing by push me
>One of them almost made me drop my spaghetti
>Trailers start
>People start talking about the creppy weirdo on the front row
>"What kind of loser go to the movies alone?" some little girl asks her mother
>Their voices becomes increasingly loud and angry
>Rebellion ensues
>They get up and start beating me
>Couples, groups of friends, families. All kicking my ass
>mfw Even the shooter was beating me
>mfw Even the shooter took his gf to the movies with him
>After like, 10 minutes, the usher finally stopped them
>He said to me gtfo for causing turmoil

Going to the movies alone is fucking rough, man

>don't go to the cinema
>have a great time watching movie at home

>go to local cinema
>drop the stinkiest fart ever

>have a great time watching movie at home
Stopped reading right there

You monster! You're ruining the movie industry!

fucking loled to be truthful my family member

>check theatre allowance ID card
>it's time for my 6 monthly visit
>spend an entire week in preparation
>get drunk beforehand and leave falcon in taxi
>panic like fuck and stick some feathers onto an old cabbage that was in a dumpster
>pass inspection with flying colors

>Arrive at the theater by myself
>ticket lady hands me my ticket and charges me 50% tax for buying single ticket
>whispers in my ear "you're the designated shooter today"
>Panic because I forgot to bring my hand gun
>Quietly go to the gun dispenser, next to the gummy bear one
>Shit, only have like $200, I guess I'll buy that little gun that shots .22 or something
>Only enough money left for a couple of boxes worth of ammo
>go to the ticket inspector, pass
>go to the penis inspector, almost fail because I didn't shave but I told them my falcon ate the razor. phew.
>Finally at the movie hall, it's dance number day so we have to do the thriller dance
>Luckily I'm just a background zombie and nobody notices my shit dance
>8:00pm Movie about to start, we just have to wait for half an hour of ads
>8:31 movie starts finally
>about half hour in, realize its a shit movie and leave
>go to the cinema showers to relax
>somebody stole my shampoo, use the one they give you there. My hair will be stiff all day ugh.
>change and leave for home
>midway realize I didn't shoot any one
>Panic again
>Run back but realize I have the neck collar that explodes if you enter with out paying
>Use the emergency exit
>start reloading my .22
>scream "S-SHOOTY M-MURDER TIME!"
>every one stands up and start clapping, some are mad at me for arriving late to kill them and giving me eyes
>h-here we go! plink-plank-plunk
>Everyone just standing there looking at each other like WTF?
>Forgot that everyone in america is immune to .22 already because all the shooting and I had to use at least 7.92mm
>get arrested for failed mass shooting
>Police need to bring a designated shooter from another room
>mfw

>go to cinema
>they've started some new no fapping-policy
>i wore my fap pants for nothing

>movie day at the gulag
>can't turn on the popcorn machine because we're off the grid
>can't start a fire for popcorn because it's -50°C
>at least Vanya stole some vodka for all of us
>have to beat up some churkas who stole the best seats
>can hardly see through my swollen eye now
>pre-movie pledge to emperor Putin
>short trailer where we learn how putin will save Russia and the universe
>pre-movie anti-capitalist imperial defence class
>they tell us that america wants to invade us to steal our great riches
>movie can't start
>because it's -50°C and the projector isn't working
>oh well, it was a depressing film about post-91 moscow crime and poverty anyway
>my feet are cold

>not smuggling in a zip-lock bag of chili in your pocket

Why do you people even bother going to the movies?

B-but I don't have a 2 ton IMAX analog projector along with the 98 feet high screen right at my home.
Or a living room with perfect acoustic treatment and a sound system with multi-thousand watt amplifiers and speakers even behind the screen which has microscopic holes throughout for the sound to get through.

The quality of an IMAX is high enough for me to get risk out getting shot by the local resident cinema shooter.

But I am on the lookout for an affordable bullet-proof vest for the perfect cinema experience.

>>Run back but realize I have the neck collar that explodes if you enter with out paying

My sides!

>wear bullet-proof vest
>forget that it's a bank holiday and the shooter is only doing head shots

How did you do with the shootout? Did you order one of them delivery shooters to your home?

I always look forward to these threads.

>tfw forgot my falcon and they were out of rentals

>visit my local cinema
>it's "bollywood-week"
>only indian flicks
>they've closed the toilets and instead installed a designated shitting street in the aisle of the theater
>POO IN LOO

>the shooter is 15 minutes late

Kek

where and when did the crab legs and falcon stuff originate from?

No I microwaved one of those insta-shooters

Here

Reddit obviously. This is just a thread that can be used for redditors like myself to hang out.

>Visit local cinema
>Grab my ticket and go to my seat
>Waiting for the big moment
>Shooter finally arrives
>Whole cinema applauds
>But he doesn't look very excited
>He tells us due to new politics, blacks, spics, women and lgbt get to be shot first
>He then apologizes for all the racism, sexism and homophobia in our society
>fuck, I arrived earlier for nothing
>mfw when it was finally my turn he already had run out of bullets

>visit my local cinema with my friend
>designated shooter kills him
>security guard sends a falcon with a letter asking me to leave the cinema because i'm breaking the no-singles policy now

>be British
>go to cinema in Germany whilst on holiday
>cinema doorman checks my passport
>no EU symbol any more
>drives a stake through my heart and throws me to the gorillas

so this is drumpf's america huh

Was the no-single policy the first aspect of this meme and it branched off from there? I'm pretty sure the synthesis with penis inspections was one of its first advancements

I remember the falcon thing came pretty early but in the beginning there was a no falcons allowed thing. Now it seems that cinemas demands you having a falcon to even get in.

>the cinema sumo wrestler hits the gong
The fuck is this new gong shit you have in american cinemas?

>go to theater to see A Dog's Purpose
>line takes forever because the machine they use to scan barcode tattoos is broken
>one medium cup of Regal Cinema Slurry is nine dollars
>a blanket is twenty
>showing is theater 7 which means I have to go down to the Cinema Pit
>make the long climb down a cold wet iron ladder one handed
>there's falcon shit all over the rungs
>guy above me slips and falls screaming past me
>when I finally get to the bottom his body is being dragged off into the darkness at the far edges of the pit
>I can hear strange things in the dark, clicking and hissing
>I take care to walk without rhythm but they still follow, whispering
>in my left hand, a lighter - the flame bursts into life in the blackness
>pale things surround me, eyeless and hungry
>they retreat as they see the flame and I continue onward
>finally find a good stone to sit on close to the screen
>they are still close by in the dark, whispering and clicking
>a translucent hand slowly creeps out to touch my arm
>I pass it the rest of my slurry over along with a box of milk duds
>the chattering in the dark finally goes quiet
>I enjoy the rest of the movie in silence

movie was pretty good, I'd give it three "barks" out of four

>manager has a 20 minute speech thanking the birthday boy and his party for their continued patronage

Fuck, i hate it when that happens.

Yeah, I think you're right, Don't forget crab legs of course but that seems to fly under the radar these days

It's the signal to the projectionist so he knows when he should start the movie. How else would he know? Duh!

>not bringing a flamethrower to ward off cinema wendigos

>he
>assuming the projectionist's gender

Sexist much?

have done this and have heard the people behind me complain was hilarious

>go see La La Land with some friends
>they INSIST on sitting in the front row
>even though we only have one support and one tank

What is it like to watch kino with a girl lads?

no jokes, for Star Wars 7, the owner/manager came out and said "Thanks for everyone that showed up for the midnight premier of Star Wars." along with more drivel praising the cinema, directors, and actors.

i imagine it is annoying:

- uses phone at full brightness to check likes on her instadrone
- texts the entire time
- user i dont get this movie and it's sooo boring
- what did they just say?

and it all started from some stupid suggestion in a thread for crab legs.

If i ever make a movie, i will force a theater to enforce all this crazy shit. Alamo drafthouse January 2019 you will see a no singles policy, crab legs, the employees will wear falcons on their heads.

I don't know why this was so funny but good job user

I desire a fake documentary about a tv theater

>go to local kinoplex by myself
>see a sign that reads "no singles policy strictly enforced"
>time to improvise
>get my phone out and pretend I’m speaking to my imaginary gf
>walk to the ticket dispenser and mumble to the phone "hurry up babe, I already bought the tickets"
>"Can I have TWO tickets for La La Land, please" I tell the ticket selling professional
>Sure thing, sir...
>phone starts ringing
>guards catch my bluff and send 3 armored falcons to incapacitate me
>too slow to unshed my katana
>they rip my trench coat to shreds and I get escorted out of the premises with a warning and a $5,000 dollar fine

I couldn't even make it to the crab legs buffet

Unironically this and she actually liked movies more than most grills I've met, also claimed amazing spider man 2 was not only good but better than the tobey maguire ones because
>ANDREW GARFIELD IS SOOOO CUUUTE

But your fedora was unharmed? That's always something.

it started with the crab legs, some guy had a thread about foods you would have if you owned a theater. Everyone found that hilarious.
and everyone branched off that.

I remember when the falcon thing was a genuis solution to no singles and was meant to capture other people's food, which is why they had guard towers i think.

the shooter stuff must have happened recently

>no birthday shootout for the birthday kids
>audience boos for 20 minutes

>for causing turmoil

>the shooter stuff must have happened recently
Nah, the shooter thing has been around for awhile because America.

>going to the cinema all alone as always
>the usual routine, bought two tickets and the multiculturally approved combo of hummus and goatmilk, family size
>also brought a womens jacket which I hold on my right arm when I enter
>"Excuse me sir but where is your companion?"
>"Oh she's at the bathroom no worries" *point at the jacket*
>"Enjoy your kíno sir"
>a bit sweaty from that interaction but it all seems good, have plenty of time to cool down during ads
>lights go off, movie finally starts
>let out the last few farts from the warm goatmilk so I can finally enjoy my highly anticipated flick
>suddenly the opening credits are stopped, cinema staff bullies come in with flashlights
>Saw a guy drinking the offensive Coca Cola drink so they gotta be after him
>but the main cinema bully flashes right at me and yells "RIGHT THERE! GET THE LOSER"
>they are clearly onto me, should've brought a more convincing and expensive women's jacket
>the whole row is throwing me out, spitting and throwing stones at me
>cinema staff bullies drag me out of there with the whole crowd cheering and clapping
>"This is the third time you broke the 'no singles policy', you're going to jail you fucking weirdo"
>they throw me in the cinema jail, small dirty cell with no windows or toilet (pic related), just a designated shitting corner
>they don't tell me the time or date so I don't know if I was there for weeks or months
>survive on eating only leftover spilled cinema hummus and sheep blood which the cinema staff scrapes of the floor of every screening
>get to know all the other losers in nearby cells, we form a secret women hating club in there
>one other loser overhears our conversation and starts yelling at us
>brawl ensues, cinema jail clans are fighting to death
>I pretend dead so the staff throws me out in the dumpster with the rest of the bodies
>wait for the night to fall and run back home to my room
>have to start collecting good boy points all over again

Rough times my dear friends

>the cinema sumo wrestler hits the gong

>"Enjoy your kíno sir"
kek it's always the little stuff that cracks me up

>"Enjoy your kíno sir"
>finally enjoy my highly anticipated flick
>kino
>flick

What's it gonna be?

I'm impressed. You've convinced me to take the pilgrimage to the cinema. Wish me luck,

I wanted to see la la land with some of my friends(1M+2F)
But the girls had other plans :(

It's a matter of perspective.

Why am i laughig at this shit

>go to my local AMC theater
>sigh in relief when I pass through the Virgin Detector bars at the entrance
(spent months doing heart rate/hormone-control training to fool the test)
>pack of teenage girl turns to look at me as I walk to the cashier
>they start whispering and giggling
>wave of anxiety makes me blush
>start sweating under my jacket
>"T-t-two tickets for Avengers: Rise of the Five Emeralds, please. Type A, 2 total attendees, 1 present hetero male, 1 late hetero female. And 1 large EG/DP *cough*"
>cashier taps screen without getting eyes off of me
>"That'll be $73.99 plus $25.99 for a large Eva Green sweat essence DeluxePop popcorn"
>swipe my debit card
>"Gotcha!"
>cashier presses a button under her stand
>all the lights shut down
>alarms start blaring and flashing red
>sweat rolls down my face
>don't know what to do
>"Please, stand where you are, sir! Do NOT move!" she screams
>metal shutters close exits shut
>Public Contamination Squad officers rush out and surround me
>"KISS THE GROUND VIRGIN SCUM!"
>everyone laughs at me as I get pushed to the ground and cuffed
>get branded with the official Shame seal
>get sentenced to Virgin Rehabilitation Camp for an indefinite amount of time
>didn't even get a refund for the two tickets I bought

Because these are the best kind of threads on Sup Forums. Says a lot about the state of this board.

>Be me 2016
>Girl I like finally agrees to go to the cinema with me
>I'm so glad she accepted I shat my pants to show excitement
>The great day comes. Cashier asks me if I want the "no-shooter session"
>What the fuck. There is a "no-shooter session" now? Is this England or something? Fucking commies will ruin this country to the ground
>Gun inspection. My girl forgot her gun at her trailer, but since I always walk around with three we were allowed to proceed
>Penis inspection. I stretched before going out so it's all good
>Pledge allegiance to America, Jesus and the President
>Usher search my anus for drugs and illegal immigrants
>See some liberal being arrested because they found a kinder surprise with him
>Finally, my girl and I grab our seats and start throwing popcorn on the ground, as it's tradition
>After 3 hours of movie trailers, the movie finally begins
>"Batman v Superman" It's some fancy intellectual bullshit movie, but girls like those
>"I heard Captain America appears on this one" my girl said.
>I like Captain America, The First Avenger was a great documentary, fuck those nazi
bastards
>Shooter finally arrives, I managed to get out with just a shot in the forearm, my girl lost a leg
>When the movie was over, everyone clapped
>We tipped the usher and the shooter.
>Threw the rest of our garbage on the ground and leave
>My girl said it was a very fun night, kissed me on the cheek and told me to call her later
>mfw we started dating after this

>getting ready for penis inspection
>take my place on the conveyor belt and stand on the marker
>everything seems a little slower than usual today; everyone is getting antsy
>guy 3 spots down from me starts to whisper something to his friend but is quickly beheaded by the in-house boomerang specialist
>everyone shuts up, but soon we hear a commotion to our left
>look through the plexiglass barriers and see that WOMEN are being inspected
>mfw grills without sufficient measurements in the breasts or buttocks get sent to estrogen enhancement therapy and squats in the thiccening cage
>Rip in pieces feminism!

The no singles thingI get, but where did this falcon meme come from?

>"Batman v Superman" It's some fancy intellectual bullshit movie, but girls like those

BRAVO!

>he thinks falcons are a meme
Just what kind of uncivilized hick town do you live in?

Guys I am from the near future, the kinoplex experience is about to become amazing

>feel like watching the latest flick
>my AI car drives me to my local kinoplex
>have a quick fap in the car on the way there
>drive past the local ethnic cleansing facility
>walk into the beautiful clean art deco styled building
>ticket booth is staffed by beautiful women
>being a white male I do not have to pay anything
>go to the food court and am given my complimentary crabs legs and drink of voice
>carried by a complimentary kinobabe
>get a good seat
>no adverts or trailers, film starts exactly on time
>my kinobabe feeds me crabs legs
>get a bj half way through the film
>look over at the next guy, who is also getting a bj
>we nod smugly at each other
>on the drive home my AI car detects a rogue nigger and runs it over

Our time is coming lads, hang in there.

this thread is why I come here

Terrifying Tbh

>too late to cinema
>tickets almost sold out
>end up in the haunted section

Oh man, he used to try to force that meme on Sup Forums for years and years, only it was "What food would you like to serve if you could run your own arcade? I would serve crab legs".

You Sup Forumsats are such bait-biting cucks.

One guy suggested using a falcon to steal food. So now the Falcons are part of the theater

It worked, it's like theseus ship, just because he gave us the original idea doesn't make it his

>drink of voice

I suspect he is supremely smug about having "created a big meme" right now.