FOOOOOOOOLISH ANONS It's time once again for Spider-man! Tonight's episode features a return of the 5th Avenue Phantom and now he's a master of darkness! And by that I mean he can make shadows to do two things: beat up Spider-man and steal shit.
Without a shadow of a doubt a very strange episode.
Anyways sit back, relax, enjoy.
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It's hot out here. At least 98 degrees! I'm going to head out in one direction, but if there's a crime I'll take the backstreets.
And there's that obligatory shrill scream of a woman in need of assistance.
AIYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HELP! I AM A DAMSEL AND I AM IN DISTRESS!
Meow
I'd recognize that creepy discount doll red hair and that drab blue "I'll be single forever" dress anywhere! Betty Brant!
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Pyjama Pat's silly shadows is the ep based on this ep
Spider-man: Now Now. Betty, we all know you're not supposed to call 911, your parents, or Spider-man unless it's a real emergency. You called me here to look at my butt didn't you?
Betty: No! Over there! Look! A shadow monster!
neat
nyaanyaanyaa nyaanyaanyaa hey hey hey goodbye
Spider-man: Don't worry I got this shit down I've seen like 5 nature documentaries. You need to run away as fast as you can and not make any noise and look like a wounded animal while looking as small and if you can also play dead while running that'd be fantastic.
Now go!
Sorry pussycat, but the only Black Cat I'm interested in hitting on me isn't in this show!
Stand back! The Mighty, Manly, Handsome, Virile, Spider-man will stop this -- oh
Spider-man: Nothing! Spider-sense says it's something but it looks like nothing! I could have sworn I hit something but that something is nothing!
Betty: You don't know what you're doing, do you?
Spider-man: LOL NO
Spider-man: You better give us some space while I ponder what this thing is and its purpose in life.
And now back to the wall. Ok so there's something here but it's nothing but can something be both nothing and something at the same time?
ARG
Dramatic falliiiiiiiiing
Spider-man: Whatever that was, it packed a whallop. You can let go of the muscles now.
Betty: But these biceps are so well-defined!
Spider-man: You saw all that didn't you? Tell me I'm not crazy. Whatever shadow thing hit me felt like something but it looked like nothing!
Betty: You're so cute when you're confused. You make me want to break both of your legs and take you home and nurse you back to health!
Betty: Mister Jameson! You wouldn't believe what happened to me on the way to work today! A hideous aggressive snarling black thing accosted me in a back alley!
To clear things up. It was a shadow feline monster and it wasn't a colored negro person. I'm not a racist. Oh and Spider-man swooped down and saved me from it by getting beat up.
Spider-man Schmider-man! Anyone can save you from something that doesn't exist! Shadows! Shadows don't exist!
But Mister Jameson it really was a...
Jameson: was NOTHING! Tiger shadows! Now I've heard everything!
Betty: No one said anything about a tiger! You just imagined it! How could a shadow have stripes? That's just absurd.
Jameson here. What is it? Shadow of the Colossus? What are you calling me for? Get off the phone and keep running!
What's that? A bear on Wall Street? A shadow of a bear? SELL! SELL! NEXT CALLER!
What's that? You're having trouble with a hedgehog shadow? You'll need to pay $5.99 for a hint for the first minute and $2.99 for all following minutes!
>mfw when too many phone calls to hold in two both hands
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Parker!
I'll take pictures of shadows! You can count on me!
Someone's casting these shadows for a reason and I'm going to saunter until they show themselves!
You'd like to know how I do it wouldn't you? But since you're so curious maybe I'll send you a sample of my power.
With these Shadowscope Glasses™ I can create shadows and they behave just like the real thing!
And I can send those shadows anywhere to my bidding! At any time I choose! Now is a good time.
The Fuck? Was someone just talking about me? Is someone here?
No... no one here but me and my own puny shadow.
What is that? Some kind of dumb gummy bear? Oh it's a cloud.
Spider-man: I'm getting jumpy. Freaking out over nothing.
WAH
WHAT HIT ME? WHO DID THAT?
...
Announcer Ted: I'd like to thank everyone here to see this momentous Shadow Boxing title defense match between Spider-man and a mysterious shadow man. The Defending Champion in the red and blue corner, weighing in at 167 pound, the big mouth of Brooklyn, the wild and wily webhead! Spider-man!
Announcer Yaki: That's right, Ted. This should be a good fight. Spider-man's looking a little coy. Is that confidence or pre-fight jitters?
Announcer Yaki: And the Challenger! Weighing in at nothing and having no mass! A shadowy figure! What do you think this newcomer's odds are, Ted?
Announcer Ted: We don't know much about this kid, but neither does Spider-man. We know Spider-man will try to get in his head and go for a quick knockout which may be hard to do given that the challenger has no mass and is hard to hit!
Announcer Yaki: Ooooh! Spider-man starts with his traditional opening move and shoots webbing at his opponent! It goes right through him!
Announcer Ted: Astounding! We know for sure now this a real fight and the shadow is no run-of-the-mill jobber!
Announcer Yaki: The shadow's opening move is a right jab. Spider-man easily evades and comments on the shadow's smooth and silky skin and asks if the shadow's mother knows that her son borrowed her skin lotion.
Announcer Ted: Typical Spider-man quips but will they work?
Announcer Ted: And yes it does! The shadow throws a weight straight punch and Spidey easily evades!
Announcer Yaki: He didn't like that one bit! Look how his arm got longer! You have to be pretty upset to pull that one off! Spider-man has the opening he's been looking for!
Announcer Ted: Oh no! Spider-man whiffs the uppercut! He's wide open!
Announcer Yaki: OW! Right in the Aracnads! That has GOT to hurt! I don't think he'll be having any children after that!
Announcer Ted: I don't think he'll be able to pee correctly for a month after that!
Announcer Yaki: The shadow keeps the momentum going with a right hook, elongating all the vertebrae in Spidey's neck!
Announcer Ted: Not good. Not good at all. That webslinger can't take much more of this punishment!
Announcer Ted: And now a Karate chop to the back of the next to add insult to injury to finish off that brutal combo!
KO!
Announcer Yaki: Winner! By Knockout! The shadowy figure! What was the time on that, Ted? Was it faster than Kimbo Slice's TKO defeat against Seth Petruzelli?
Announcer Ted: Time? Were we supposed to be timing this match? I was like, 3 seconds.
Wow Spider-man, you went down faster than Jean Grey. Well, let that be a lesson to you. It is said that you learn more from defeat than victory. What did you learn? The hell should I know. Don't get punched?
Anyways, now back to the business. There's a good spot to rob.
How about a real charmer to snatch and grab
OH BOY THEY SSSELL GOLD JEWELERY HERE! THISSS IS GONNA BE GREAT
EXCUSSSE ME SSSIR, I'M LOOKING FOR SSSOMETHING FOR THE MISSSUSSS! I GOT A BUDGET OF 1,000 BUCKSSS
AHHHHHHH! Snakes... why'd it have to be snakes...
Uh sir, we only serve customers with spines.
AWWW COME ON DON'T BE THAT WAY. HEY. OPEN UP ONE OF THESE CASES I WANNA LICK ALL THIS STUFF. WE SNAKES HAVE TERRIBLE EYESIGHT
NEVERMIND. DON'T GET UP. I'LL HELP MYSELF
Help! Police! Robbery! Snaaaaaaaaake! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!
HEY CAN I GET THISSS ON LAYAWAY?
I DUN GOOD. NOW, I SSSHOULD SSSEE A SSSPEECH THERAPISSST ABOUT THIS LISP. SSSOMETIMES I GOT IT AND SOMETIMES I DON'T
Robbery's so easy! You send in a goon with a ski mask and a people get all tough and pull out the shotguns from behind the counter but you send in a goddamn snake and everyone loses their fucking minds.
Police: WHO DID THIS?
Man: It was a snake!
Police: Can you describe him?
Man: It was a shadow of a snake
Police: So where was the snake?
Man: The Snake was the shadow!
At least I'm not the only ones having shadow problems and we've established what they're for. Now to find out who's behind them? My first guess would be the Shadow King but I know nothing about the guy and don't want to jump to conclusions.
Spider-man! I thought you were dead! I'll have to send more shadows along to finish him off!
Can you believe this shit? What a day!
Spider-man: Another one! And this one is a giant termite! Guess I have to save it cause there's no wood around here to eat.
Or call an exterminator? It may come after me instead.
Vrooooooom
OOOOOOH! It was a regular shadow made by that car! Boy is my face redder than usual! A little more of this and I'll be all out of nerves!
AHAHAHA! STAND STILL. PLEASE AND TANK YOU.
No no no. You're looking for Tiananmen square, not Times square! You're going the wrong way! Turn around!
Yeah that oughta do it for Spider-man. Now to go attend to other matters and assume that Spider-man is dead and not go back and check.
Where even are we? I'm going someplace this guy can't follow!
If he wants me so badly he'll have to go around, through, or up the building to do it!
Did I mention I'm ALL TERRAIN?
Are you freaking kidding me?! Is there seriously a tank tanking me up a building?
YES I AM. DEAL WITH IT.
There's something down that's been bothering me all day long and shouldn't be there.
A flashlight? If that's here, where'd I leave the fleshlight?
Welp, When in Rome, use a flashlight.
Where it come from?
Who is behind all this?
How come a flashlight will dissipate a shadow when the rays of the sun won't?
Maybe my good friend Police Chief O'Brien can shed some light on this case.
MEANWHILE AT THE POLICE MANSION
Police Chief O'Brien: Peter mah boi all I know is the motive is robbery, the crime is robbery and the criminals are robbers
It's hard to believe that a shadow could commit a robbery!
Police Chief O'Brien: What puzzles me is that it's always a shadow of something that something is never there. But does that make it a shadow of nothing or a shadow of something?
Peter: I know, right?! Someone finally gets it!
Bump bump bump bump bump
kek
Police Chief O'Brien: Peter hold on my lad, I have a call.
Yes? Police Chief O'Brien here. What? They stole all the self-sealing stem bolts in the city? How is that possible? It was on 5th avenue! I'll send someone right over!
Self-sealing stem bolts eh.. don't know what they do but I'd bet every jumja stick in town that it's related to all the other shadow robberies...
Thank you
He's gone! Was that Parker boy a shadow too? You think you know someone.
What's it a shadow of this time? The Empire? Of Mordor? Yharnam? I'll be ready!
A gorilla? Time to shadow the shadow!
YA KNOW IT'S HARD BEING A GORILLA IN THE BIG CITY. EVERYWHERE YOU GO PEOPLE ARE ASKING WHY YOU AIN'T WEARIN' A HAT OR A TIE OR SUSPENDERS OF YOU HAVE ANY GLUE ON YA EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T GOT NO POCKETS BUT AT LEAST MY SHIFTS OVER AND DONE WITH.
Come on you lumbering ape! Lead me to your maker!
FIRST THING I DO AFTER I PHASE THROUGH THIS BUILDING IS GET AN ICE COLD GLASS OF WATER AND UNWIND BY PICKING BUGS OUT SOMEONE'S HAIR. DON'T MATTER WHO IT IS BUT IT'S VERY RELAXING YOU GUYS SHOULD TRY IT SOMETIME
Spider sense is jangling! The Front door is too obvious! If I bust through I'll lose the element of surprise! Have to be smarter than that!
The window is also locked! I need to find a way in but I'm not about to check all the entrances!