You are a Roman big shot...

You are a Roman big shot. You are given total freedom and unlimited credit by Caesar to stop Asterix's village once and for all. If you fail, you end up at the Circus

What do?

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implement capitalism

Already tried, already failed

Didn't they try this and fail though?

Didn't this happen in obelix and co

I just take with me the guards from Caesar's palace.
In a story, Obelix wanted to attack the place. Asterix said it was too dangerous, because potion makes strong but not invulnerable, and Caesar's personal guards are more dangerous than the usual legionaries.

that was not true capitalism

eat all the boars

This
let them starve to death

Brutus burned it down but Caesar and Cleopatra rebuilt it

It was tried (although in simplistic forms) twice. Failed

Circus to you

Next

That was clearly plot armor so that the story wouldn't end there

Say hello to the lions

Next

This would probably end with Obelix rampanging through Rome destroying everything with a Latin name

Circus to you

Next

I would send travel tickets for different places in rome.
And take them out one by one

That wouldn't really stop them. Nobody died and they would just rebuild the village

Circus to you

This could work, providing they would take the bait

Easy. Cease hostilities, declare victory, give the legionaries plots of land in a newly founded city right next to their territory. Hand out materials and tax exemptions, attract Roman settlers, build public facilities and open markets.
Show them how mighty fine it is to be Roman.
They'll sit around for a while, awaiting the other boot, but eventually they will interact with the new neighbors and their imported fineries. Like wine and cheese.
Two generations in, they'll make fine Romans. A welcome addition to the auxiliary troops.

Dig a big moat around the village. Start very far away and just keep digging until you encapsulate it with the sea. Declare the village to be not-Gaul. All of Gaul is conquered.

Already tried that. To the circus with you.

Build high rent apartments around their village and gentrify it.

>attract Roman settlers, build public facilities and open markets.
That was already tried. It failed

Circus to you

Next

By Jupiter, will no one think of the lions? They're going to be obese by this rate.

Already tried, circus, etc. NEXT!

Implement feminists in the village
first generation will complain that there are not enough romans
then send babaric refugees into the land.

Already tried, didn't work. You guys must really love the Cicrus huh.

Poison their surroundings, let them die by disaese. The only problem would be the druid, so we have to get to know, what he likes to use as ingridients and poison those.

spread rumors about each other and divide them!

Send a beautiful woman to seduce Obelix and slowly but surely drive him and Asterix apart.

Same plan wouldn't work on Asterix, but Obelix is a sucker for a pretty face.

While the two heroes of the village are arguing, have my same female spy incapacitate Getafix, and then give word for the legion to attack while they have no potion

Fat guy, small guy, funny mustaches on Disney rip off designs....

I don't like these European comics, in America we grew up with heroes, not silly shit like that.

Hand them the proverbial olive branch. Give these people more wealth than they've ever known and let A&O pillage their little hearts out in the furthest corners of the world, courtesy of the Roman legion. Implement a tax on the lower end of fair and call them Roman when they aren't in earshot.

Trying to dominate them is an exercise in folly.

Burn the entire peninsula they are in, perhaps?

Asterix and Obelix are in the forest all the time. They would notice you and kick you out

To the Circus with you

Send an ambassador.
It's easy

How edgy

Have you actually READ Asterix? It's literally the comfiest comic ever made.

Can't always be reading balls to the wall badassery. That shit gets stale if it's all you read

That happens nearly every time we try a plan, but hasn't been tried yet in of itself. I doubt it'd work. Maybe instead of the Circus, we could throw him into the semi-circus?

You see, I have ingested so much poison over the years, that you die by having skin contact with me. So the lions will die before they get to chew on me. Also those damn gauls have to sleep and we have endless reinforcements so we can use those resources to poison the entire forest.

Send an ambassador he says, it's easy he says.

You think it's so easy, huh? Well, no circus for you. Congratulations, Ambassador.

No it wouldn't, Obelix would be weak from exhaustion cause it's all he ever eats.

They can fight in their sleep and we literally could throw the whole Empire at that damn village and just end up with a lot of knocked out men.

Crucify him.

Set fire to the village during the night. Offer to rebuild it in the way they want in exchange for lip service to Rome. Promise tax exemptions, free trade within the province, and all-expenses-paid trips through the pirate-infested seas to the Roman frontiers whenever they want. Have the singer arrested as well and threaten to release him if they revolt.

They're too proud to take that deal.

Also they wouldn't allow to to arrest Cacofonix. They hate his singing, but he is one of them, and they protect their own.

ALREADY TRIED! FAILED!

Circus to you

Caesar, there's no way to beat the Gauls. They're too strong, and too clever. Why don't we just accept they are gods, and make them take twelve trials? When they inevitably win, we can just give them Rome, and have an early retirement?

Many problems with that plan.

1. Getting close enough to the village to set it all ablaze without getting thumped.
2. Thinking that they won't just see this as a ploy and thump us for obviously having something to do with the plan.
3. Bribing them is just going to make them more suspicious
4. They walked all the way to Rome to rescue their bard from the Circus.

Fortunately for us, they won't do the same to you. Hope you like lions.

Not canon.

So you say my fish isn't fresh?

Hey, if it keeps me away from the Circus, I'll take non-canon

We've tried spies, distracting Obelix, and nobbling the druid. It's an interesting take on it, but I doubt it'd work.

That said, no Circus for you.

...

Yet.

I would honestly like Octavian to make an appearance. He can be a Millennial just like Justforkix was a Baby Boomer.

No Antony though since he'd cuck Caesar, too bad.

gulp....Join the legion, they said. A Man's life, they said

Anyone see any problems with this one? Just turn the village into an island. Not part of Gaul, not our problem.

Dig a moderately deep trench almost completely encircling the village a safe distance away from it. Then begin widening it in the direction away from the village. After it's wide enough, connect it to the ocean on both ends. Maybe throw up some palisades with an eye towards nore permanent walls.

Anyway, the Gallish mainland is now entirely in Roman hands. That little island offshore is now the problem of the Roman Navy.

Remember when Octavian made an appearance in Alix?

I think Alix fucked his sister in later albums

you know what gauls are afraid of?

>implying the Alien album happened or would ever happen

TO THE CROSS WITH YOU

HEY YOU STOLE MY IDEA!

Send in some prime Roman pussy. They'll be bred out of existence in a couple of generations

>Implying the villager's wives will allow them to do that.

Trade some smallpox infected cloths with them

This could work, but Panoramix probably has a cure for that

Anyway, worth a shot

Everyone already has smallpox you idiot. What good will that do?

How do you know they haven't all had chickenpox?

Let's ask Mel Gibson if he knows what to do
youtube.com/watch?v=Phkw79CyMB4

"We start with a big CGI building amd then this meteor crashes and it's all like GRAAAWWWHHHH and these motorcycles burst into flames while the jump over this helicopters, right?"

i know from the animated movies, that gauls are afraid that sky will fall on their heads

Your foolery has given me an idea!

We shall assemble out of waxed goatskin a giant bladder filled with lofty swamp gas large enough to carry rocks of various sizes. We shall fly it over their heads and drop the rocks down onto the superstitious Gauls (I mean, really, the sky falling down on your head... the haruspex hasn't predicted such a thng at all and we've been chucking only the best animal entrails at him). Then once terrified, we have legionnaires run into the camp pretending to be scared, saying it's happening all over Gaul. We will continue to float our flying goatskin bladder over them, pelting them with rocks until we run them east out of Europa! T

So you know how they run the competitions where everyone has potion and the winner is defined by drawing lots? We should ask for the potion politely and we're even! Then we overtake them by numbers.

No but the illegitimate bastards that spawn from it will hopefully cause a succession crisis among their leadership leading to civil unrest and war making them weak. Then after they've almost destroyed themselves in a civil war we offer the side that will benefit our cause the most our support in return for their loyalty and destroy the already weakened opposition. After that we install the newly created dynasty on the throne and make them swear fealty to us

it's revealed they are actually afraid of ___storms___

Well... we can just splash water on them or something.

They sicced Le Corbusier on them, but it didn't work.

>Alix
>having intercourse with anyone other than the brown fucboi

So can anyone see any problems with just making them an island? Give them their quarry, their forest etc and just declare them to not be Gaul.

They're good people.

Come to them alone and unarmed, ask for an audience with the village's council, and explain that Caesar is going to send soldiers upon soldiers, spend resources upon resources, and send you to the lions as long as the Gauls remain independent. Then ask them to accept "purely nominal" Roman sovereignty over them, so the soldiers can go back to their families, the money can be spent on aqueducts and roads instead of siege machines and weapons, and you get to live.

The raids stop, the hostilities are over, and in practice not much changes for Asterix's village itself. But you do what Caesar asked you to do.

I fear all you'll get is blank stares, then laughter and then a thumping. The problem is A. They don't want to be Roman (unless it suits them) and B. They don't give a fuck about Caesar sending men after them.

The only thing they may do is offer to protect you, but that doesn't solve the issue either.

Get them hooked on dank roman memes

We go around their village dressed in poor imitation of Gaulish clothing, terrible wig mockeries of their hair, and say things like "My new Gaulish name is (one's name with an ix instead of an us)" or "OMG I'm such a Gaul boys, let's punch some Romans am I right?"
If the Gauls call us out we reply saying they are mean and there is no one to call us ""fake gauls"".
They will eventually hate their own culture and once they are finished we go back to normal (not any time before, doing it too early would be disastrous)

Join them.

Caesar can't get me. Get a cutie Gaulish wife. Live happily ever after.

ROMA
ORAM
MARO
AMOR

>this whole thread

Roma, Amor, Oram, Ramo, Mora and even Omar are all legit words in Portuguese

>All of Gaul is conquered.
As seen in Asterix at the Olympics, they consider themselves a part of the roman empire. They just have no respect for the authorities.

You have merely adopted edginess. Eurocomics were born in it, molded by it.
(Check Black Moon Chronicles too, it' fun.)

That's not actually conquering the village, which was asked of you.

I go the village, ask for Obelix and tell him his job makes no sense since menhirs are actually NOT a celtic item but are way older than recorded History. Gauls had no idea what Menhirs were for.

And as I defeated their strongest warrior in single combat, I lay my claim on the village.

They don't consider themselves part of the Roman Empire, they just used the 'Hey, Gaul is Roman now, right?" as a loophole to get into the Games.

Obelix doesn't care; he just likes Menhirs.

Attacking the village in the middle of the night, taking out each villager stealthily one by one and when it comes to Obelix just dump the magic potion in his mouth, makes him turn into a statue.

ez

Alternatively trick the chief into signing a document that makes him recognizes the supreme authority in rome over his.

And to Getafix I ask where druids were at Alésia.
To Vitalstatistix I ask why he still hasn't sent any warriors to save Vercingétorix from Caesar prison.
To Asterix I ask why he's still a virgin

Shit. I'll show my own way to the Circus, then.

Night attacks have been tried before and even if we tricked Vitalstatistix he'd just say we tricked him and the document would be void.

...

I send a gigantic amount of delicious food to the village. While Obelix might eat most of it, the rest of the village will get some too or they would turn against Obelix.

As shown before, many gauls like Vitalstatistix have health issues regarding excess of food and Getafix can't do anything about it.

When half of the village dies from diabetes, the odds will be in my favor

"How do you do, fellow Gauls?"

I'll join Brutus with my unlimited credit and take out Caesar instead. The village has plot armor.

After Caesar is dead I turn on Brutus and support Octavian.

>Already tried, didn't work

Which book?

Don't simply capture Getafix next time he's in the woods, hack him to pieces and feed them to the boars. Hold back main force, only send skirmishers until Asterix is out of potion. Now send a larger unit to occupy Obelix and draw him off to be filled with arrows, while the other units build earthworks to keep the rest in their village and to divert their water supply. Smash any boats. Once they weaken, coordinated attacks to erase them. Spread the word to demoralize other frontier resistance.

Asterix and the Secret Weapon.

Don't you know the Sacred Forest Memorandum? "You don't touch any of us, we don't wreck your empire with plagues, superpowers and the like."

>When the Roman women eventually attack the village, Bravura converts the village into a shopping mall where the women buy clothes and get their hair and makeup done.

How progressive!