Retarded things we did as kids thread:

Retarded things we did as kids thread:

>be 11 or 12
>discovering internet porn via Kazaa Lite
>parents go away on holiday for a week
>using the family computer to download whatever I can with my ancient internet speeds
>come up with genius idea so I dont have to look at porn while brothers are around
>the printer
>start trying to print out some Jemma Jameson or something
>printer doesnt seem to be working
>try everything, dont figure it out, ah well admit defeat, it doesnt work I guess

>be a week later
>parents come home
>business as usual
>day or so later
>"hey kids, who was looking at porn?"
>all of us in denial
>they show this envelope that they tried to print on
>porn printed retardely over the envelope
>"who did this?"
>mfw

Other urls found in this thread:

youtube.com/watch?v=Zej3h8WcH_I
twitter.com/SFWRedditImages

>took laxatives one morning
>shat myself at recess
>shat myself again later that day

Found a huge stash of vintage porn in the woods and proceeded to burn it instead of building a shrine and charging admission.

>tried to use toothpaste as a lube
>the burning, oh god the burning

>>Kazaa lite

holy shit.....that was a long time

Once me and my friend went to ride our bikes through the woods and we saw a group of 5 kids in a circle jerking off to a Playboy magazine. Kids nowadays have it easy since they can just watch porn on their smartphones.

>be 5 year old

>in Catholic School

>holding a christmas play for mass

>men will be shepards and girls will be angels

>remember that one angel who was a dude

>"aren't there men angels?"

>yes

>"then why can't I be an angel"

And that is how I found myself singing with all the girls (since I was 5 I could keep in tune with everyone else) in a white robe and all the guys looked at me oddly for the next week or so.

Opps.

I supported Obama when I was 16

I did that...but I did it as a femdom fetus have

>manage to come across sports illustrated swimsuit trading card
>had some babe in a red one piece
>decide to see what masturbation is all about
>manage to squeeze out one little droplet of cum straight onto the card
>immediately have no idea what to do with it
>afraid my parents will find it and be ashamed of me
>hide it in the bottom of my closet
>eventually the cum dries up and I take it out again
>chop it up into tiny pieces with scissors
>place all the pieces into an empty swedish fish bag
>take the swedish fish bag and put it underneath some trash in the kitchen trash can
>take a huge sigh of relief

I couldn't cum until I was 19...what is this shit

SUFFOCATION

NO BREATHING

Lmao!
I took a swig of milk of magnesia in the morning when I was in 5th grade right before my parents took me to school because I figured it would be good
I spent all day in the nurses office shitting myself

That's not normal dude.

Holy shit talk about low test user my first time I was 12. Most boys are able to around 12-14 sorry about your SHIT genetics.

>i could cum I guess, it was clear
>it was never a white substance
>I also was never able to shoot it

something is obviously wrong with him..

Read

Yeah dude you should get your prostate checked. You probably have butt cancer

It's normal cuck

Good taste OP, for her prime

Damn, Kazaa... I remember the days I'd be running a couple Kazaa/Limewire downloads, checking out the myspaces of girls at my school, and fucking around on Instant Messenger all at the same time on my blazing 56 kb/m GWI connection, tying up the house's landline...

Fuck dude, I used to play RuneScape and Age of Empires II

Halcyon days

No bruh

No it isn't

I did... a few weeks ago

its not normal LMFAO

i was shooting ropes when i was 8

LOW TEST DETECTED

>dicing habanero peppers
>touch my dick to take a leak
>burning from 7 suns on my genitals
>strip naked and hop in shower
>water makes it worst for some reason
>burning of 100 suns
>passout in the shower
>wake up 30 minutes later laying naked in a cold shower... still kinda hurts

Mfw this was when I was 23

>be 12
>family immigrates to the states
>new school, suddenly center of attention
>everyone makes fun of my accent
>no one can pronounce my name
>spend first few days eating lunch in toilet stall
>invited to eat lunch with cool kids one day
>think I'm finally being accepted
>they tell me that americans eat oranges whole like apples, peel and all
>sounds like made up crap to me, refuse at first
>they push it further, finally convince me
>I ate the whole thing
>tasted so disgusting
>whole classroom was in on it
>everyone laughed
>mfw

Depends on the details of your issue. If you beat your dick relentless and nothing happened then yeah something might be off.

However if you just didn't know what to do and were a beta virgin you might of just been doing it wrong.

Parents never talked to me about sex and I'm an oldfag so internet wasn't a thing until I was 16. Dick would get hard but I had no idea what to do or what would happen. One day I just really got after it and boom. Didn't leave the house for days.

Brit?

>family's first PC
>its in the kitchen so everyone can use it
>stay up late night all summer to look at pornographic images and jerk off in the kitchen
>few hours later family is eating breakfast inches away from where I jerked off
>nofucksweregivenatall.webm

You younguns dont remember napster 1.0

>voted Trump
wish i could go back in time t b h f a m

>swedish fish bag

...

Usually hard for me to laugh nowadays, but I'm in tears over imagining this.

Me on kazaa in 2004

I unironically remember trying to look up porn on america online, the. My mom jumps on the phone for an hour, I get bored and go outside, then she hung up and the rest of it loaded while i was outside on my dirtbike

You younguns don't remember scrambled tits on Cinemax at 3 am on a school night.

shoulda said "dad stop trying to scapegoat us we all know its you!"

But the best angels are all dudes and you got to hang with the girls.

God i miss 1st grade recess. I used to only hang with the girls because they thought i was qt and so were they

And then the insanity and pills happened and i was never the same

>shooting ropes

Fuck that's funny

Mine was like 12 on the dot but i was jerking since age 4.

kek rough times

You youngins dont remember having to jack it to haynes and sears cataloges

i do, jesus christ, i would have done anything for a warbly tit back then

I remember both, thanks for making me feel old

I've never told this story but I figured I'd get it out now

>1st grade
>dicking around in the school bathroom with soap and water
>wander over to the small urinal they have on the wall
>notice the urinal freshner (that pink circle thing they put near the drain that smells like chemicals)
>take urinal freshner out of urinal and stick it down my underwear for whatever fucking reason (I thought it would make my pants smell fresh I think)
>walk back to class with the urinal freshner down my pants
>story time in a circle on the floor
>thisshitfuckingburns.gif
>slowly begin to take pieces of the freshner out of my pants and set them on the ground next to me
>teacher doesn't notice but kids near me do
>one kid picks up a piece and sniffs it
>story time is over and I have successfully removed the freshner from my underwear
>mfw the teacher never knew about my fresh undies
>mfw it actually irritated my dick so much that there's still a small mark on it today

Only people I ever met that actually did that (eat an orange whole) are Italian niggers. And I mean Italian Americans who are the niggers of migrants, not dark sinned people from Italy.

i was fapping even when i was like 6 nothing come out but i did it anyway not sure why? a bra commercial would come on and id run to my room to fap best i could explain it was it was like a dry ejaculation

1st time i proper jizzed was 11ish scared the shit out of me lol

You young faggots will never have the privilege of finding an old big box of porn in the desert/woods

I used to stick pencils down my throat and my throat would bleed :((((

...

>2002, 12 years old
>staying at grandmas for a week
>spend most of the time downstairs while she's upstairs
>horny as fuck
>start humping the underwear models in guiness wr book 2000

>15 years later, wake up in the middle of the night and realize the reason I never saw the book again after that trip is because my gma almost certainly came downstairs and saw me humping it and probably burned it

ake zinc and drink more water and fap less

also fap when you are warm,its only like mucas visocity when you are cold,but when you are hot as fuck it thins out

THIS. I fapped so much when I was like 6. But I kept doing it until I hit puberty and cum scared me

Strategically setting the VCR to record Real Sex/Emmanuel in etc/Skinemax durring free preview weekends.

Kids these days really don't understand how difficult it was to aquire porn in the 90's.

How do you hump a book

>Emmanuel
my nigga

...

Funny, I did the same as a kid thing during the Playboy channel free preview weekend. Nobody else in our house even knew how to program the VCR.

I just told them I was recording a Disney special.

>Be in 5th grade or so
>7th grade friend introduces me to porn
>Life changed
>Afraid to get caught using family computer to look at boobs
>Try finding ways how to porn without porning
>Through playing flash games I stumble across newgrounds.com
>Britney Spears dress up doll is most popular "flash game" on website
>Jack off to sweet fake Britney Spears tits everyday for next 3 months
>Tell my best friend that goes to a catholic school about my finds
>He has extremely religious family
>Come home from school one day
>My mom has him and his parents on speaker phone
>Mother fucker got caught printing out sweet Britney boobs
>Snitches on me
>I'm never allowed to play games on newgrounds again because its porn

>get entire 4th grade class banned from the computer lab cause I wrote FUCK YOU BITCH on a tombstone in Oregon Trail
>didn't find out til middle school that I was the reason we were no longer allowed back

I didn't start jerking off til I was 11 when I got my own room and would stay up to record WWF Shotgun Saturday Night when they had all those asses in the intro, The thing is I was so into assplay when I was a kid, I used to stick so many things up my ass back then. Pens, screwdrivers, the vibrating handle for razors. Can't believe what a little faggot I was lmao.

This takes me back

hahahaha
>he didnt fap to low speed internet scat babes from europe when he was 12

I'm sorry you'll never have those years back.

this is why catholic school is shit

they should have given you a wooden sword and forced everyone to call you gabriel for the rest of the day

i tried when I was a kid. Anal shit just doesn't do anything for me. But I ended up being a little gay sub anyways :3

include me in the screenshot, please.

Went to download a Snoop Dogg video on LimeWire.
Turned out to be a video of a girl fucking a dog.

>had hope for the future

>8
>learn that sticking your finger down your throat makes you puke
>parents never would have guessed I knew about that
>puke in toilet
>act all sick, and show them the puke
>whelp guess he is sick, that sure is puke
>abuse this power, and miss 35 days of school that year
>5k a year private school so I pass anyways
>parents think I have cancer or some shit
>doctor visits all summer
>first week of next school year
>play sick during the school day
>gatta puke to make it look real, since the doctor said nothing wrong with me
>office assistant leaves office to call parents
>walks back in while I have my finger down my throat
>NEVER trusted again
>never gets to stay home again when actually sick, because "I'm faking it"

>flash forward to Freshman year
>legit contracts H1N1 from out of town friend
>has to go to school anyways
>week later, school district wide epidemic announced
>everyone has H1N1 even the teachers
>week after that, all the parents get it
>rough month for the town, elderly people die
>top mother fucking kek

fuckin lol

go back to Sup Forums faggot

Swine flu didn't kill me when I had it. Didn't even effect me.

you were probably just jerking wrong

>be in 3rd grade, already understand sex
>hear 5th graders joking about Bill Clinton getting a blowjob
>don't know exactly what they mean, but understand it's sexual, too afraid to ask and look stupid
>walk home
>nonchalantly ask my dad "hey what's a blowjob"
>hfw

I have so much fucked up porn downloaded on the family computer from doing that. Those limewire links could literally be anything. To this day we still have that computer in storage and my mom keeps bringing up giving it away. I'm just like uhhhhhh you should probably save it I have a lot of music on there haha

>about 7-8
>digging through the medicine cabinet in my parents' bathroom
>find mom's perfume
>maybe if i spray some on my butthole my farts will smell good
>wait oh fuck fuck fuck why does it burn so much

>Click here
OTay, if you fuck off back to Pinterest, you sad little cunt.

>want to jerk off
>Think bengay would feel awesome on my dick
>Lube up and start jerking
>Oh man that's warm
>Wait
>Suddenly feel as if I dipped my cock in battery acid
>Immediately jump into the shower to wash it off
>Turns out it's somewhat water resistant
>By then my dick is in seering pain and red


Never ever again lads.

Oh fuck man, tell me about it.
Get a song downloaded and it was that fucking Bill Clinton soundbite.

>Be me, 15
>Up late, finishing assignment for school, parents in bed
>Checking Kazaa for shit
>Britney Spears Nude.exe shows up
>Obviously it's a virus
>Download it anyway
>Obviously it's a virus
>hmm.. run it
>all file extensions are remapped to a virus, any file you open turns into a copy of the virus
>ffffuuuuu.... sweating. 11:00 PM. Need to fix it.
>Internet Explorer doesn't work, EXE files renamed.
>Fine explorer.com, get on internet, run online scan, find virus
>spend the next 2 hours manually fixing the virus, mapped all the file extensions back to their original programs.
>2:00 AM, Sweat running down forehead, files are cleaned, no evidence, parents still asleep, sneak into bed.


>Never got caught ;)

...

I used dr bronners peppermint shampoo once, Jesus Christ never again,

I was 21 and it almost killed me, I used to run 4 miles a day, do stairs, and lift for 90mins nearly everyday back then. Shit gave me pneumonia overnight and my SpO2 was 81% when I got to the ER. Nurses thought I was probably a hypochondriac before they checked my oxygen level.

I fucking did that too.
Fucking bengay.
Felt like someone took a Bic lighter to my cock and balls

weird. I never even got out of my chair.

I have a similar story to this

>be 11
>parents out or a few hours
>internet to myself
>been reading hentai stories for weeks whenever I got a chance
>decide to look for a picture of a real girl. Find a naked brunette getting out of the shower
>omg. get boner
>print it out on a sheet and just look at it for a while.
>I know something is supposed to be done with my dick but not totally sure what.
>Start rubbing it while looking at picture
>feelsgoodman
>keep doing it
>cum bursts out all ove the picture. I had no idea what the fuck it was and panicked
>clean up. Rip the picture up into billions of pieces
>walk a half mile into the woods, lift up a big stone, dig a hole a half-foot deep in the ground and throw the pieces of cum-covered/ripped-up paper underneath, cover back up with a rock
>mfw I realized that I basically made a burial ground for the first round of semen seed I spilled

>8867▶
>
cleanliness is godliness my nigga

You younguns don't remember jerking off to fingerhut magazines for the lingerie section

youtube.com/watch?v=Zej3h8WcH_I
wew lad

Did the same shit senpai.

I started jerking it when I was 9.

Ha wtf

I do. Mostly late night TV, looking for the any-boob.

Also
>be my friend Chris and I, 12 years old
>doesn't mind jerking off in the same room together as long as no noise + pitch black
>I've used spit as lube since day 1
>He used lotion from day 1, refuses to use spit
>"omg no lotion, what to do?"
>I suggest using the soap in the bathroom KNOWING it has enough sanitizer to be anti bacterial
>"good idea friend!"
>comes back in with a handful of it, starts jerking
>"OH MY FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK!"
>laughing my ass off for an hour
>his dick was like a lizard the next day

The flu wasn't what did me in, it was the pneumonia that got me.

that's funny cause I hate fags nowadays.

don't worry i zipped my dick up in my onesie while pissing and i still have a little scar. i screamed so loud my dad had to run in and unzip it.

...

hahahaha fuck that shit. Brings back memories. Spend 45 minutes downloading porn to get Bill Clinton. So frustrating

piss in sink. anyone still do?