Windows Update horror!

I run Windows 7 Ultimate 64x with sp1. GTX 670, 8gb of RAM, intel i5-3570k pcu.
Windows Update will not work. "checking for updates" for infinity. I've browsed and tried soooooo many fixes, and none have worked. I am desperate. Please help me!

Other urls found in this thread:

wu.krelay.de/en/
support.microsoft.com/en-us/kb/3102810
support.microsoft.com/en-us/kb/949104
support.microsoft.com/en-us/kb/3020369
support.microsoft.com/en-us/kb/3172605
wiki.installgentoo.com/index.php/Windows_7
wsusoffline.net
infoworld.com/article/3136677/microsoft-windows/how-to-speed-up-windows-7-update-scans-forever.html
twitter.com/SFWRedditImages

stop the update service
delete update cache
restart update service

try again

Delete your account

Windows 7 is 7 years old. Upgrade to Windows 10.

nice meme, but this is not a meme thread

I don't want Microsoft to spy on everything I click and type

Download and install the recent updates manually.

it's also not tech support, yet here we are again

with that logic windows 10 is 10 years old
why would you """"""update"""""" to something more obsolete?

install gentoo

They do already if you're updating windows.

and yet you are giving support by recommending 10, literally breaking the rules, fuck off

Nice assumption. But that wasn't me.

>it wasnt me
when you know you lost

there ya go:
wu.krelay.de/en/

bookmark it, you'll need it next month

microsoft changed the update servers to dick over anyone not using win10

there is one (maybe two) specific update to install and your system will be able to connect to the servers again

No. I don't recall which one it is right now. Google for "windows 7 cannot find update server" or some shit similar to that and you'll find dozens of forum threads that discuss it and the fix.

Install these manually:

> [1] Installing and searching for updates is slow and high CPU usage occurs in Windows 7 and Windows Server 2008 R2
support.microsoft.com/en-us/kb/3102810

> [2] How to update the Windows Update Agent to the latest version
support.microsoft.com/en-us/kb/949104

> [3] April 2015 servicing stack update for Windows 7 and Windows Server 2008 R2
support.microsoft.com/en-us/kb/3020369

> [4] July 2016 update rollup for Windows 7 SP1 and Windows Server 2008 R2 SP1
support.microsoft.com/en-us/kb/3172605

Avoid:
KB2952664
KB3021917
KB3068708
KB3080149
KB3184143
KB971033

+ restart after each, and do not enable update right after installing windows!

Again, that wasn't me.

These are me.


Why don't you fuck off you hostile little monkey.

stop it, you are embarrassing yourself

You will never have my goat.

My dad had the same problem a few days ago.
Apparently he fixed it by manually downloading and installing a windows update with a newer version of the updater.

bretty gud read:

wiki.installgentoo.com/index.php/Windows_7

dont update then
or install gentoo

Thank you, anons.

Literally had the same issue at work with a new surface 3 on win8.
I literally left the fucking thing running around 9am, and came in the next day and it was still checking.
Around 1pm it popped up saying it had 117 updates and then downloaded them and installed them.

It just werks, but needs 28 hours.

wow, really? I hibernate my PC about 12 hours a day.... should i just let it run while I'm away? Seems kinda crazy. I can download a 1gb movie in 1 hour but a Microsoft 500mb update takes more than 24 hours?

I don't know, worked for me, give it a shot

Are you literally retarded?

I try to install that little shit and does not seems to work

Yes.

Too late retard.

Had the same issue recently, use this: wsusoffline.net It installs all the updates

3172605 is the fix.

I had the same problem on a fresh install recently.

I used WindowsOfflineUpdates to install shit, eventually it got the right update and stuff worked again.

I see the problem
You're using a "pcu" instead of a "cpu"

Use google, there if a fix on a german website

Not true, I have the same problem on Windows 10, everytime a rollup is released I have to manually download it because if not it can take fucking 10 days to do so through Windows Update

how do you install that shit? I click and it keeps "searching windows shit"

Then don't install Windows

infoworld.com/article/3136677/microsoft-windows/how-to-speed-up-windows-7-update-scans-forever.html

>reinstall windows today
>have the same problem
>refresh Sup Forums
>this thread is here
creepy

Just use the fix it tool on Microsoft's website.

There is a better solution:

stop update service
disable update service
delete update service

never try again

As long as you do updates on W7 you can directly use W10 anyways, because the telemtry is the same after all updates.
Use W7 without the updates or use another OS.

You can do all the updates up to September 2016 avoiding these and then just install security only rollups.

>50 posts
>no one told retarded OP to just disable windows update service botnet and use simplix

Sup Forums is worse every fucking day

implying it was ever good