You're on your desktop on a regular day browsing the web

>you're on your desktop on a regular day browsing the web
>they start knocking on your door
>there's at least 30 seconds separating them from your computer once they are inside your house even if they're sprinting towards your room
>your computer is turned on and every drive is mounted
what do you do user?

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youtube.com/watch?v=g3KPSyNxnL8
youtube.com/watch?v=CiBI0yrtHUo
youtube.com/watch?v=YNbf4ArEG1w
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>they start knocking on your door
ask "Who's there?"

red curtains surround us and they realize we're in the black lodge
they're trapped for 25 years while we wait for the stars to come in alignment once again
they beg for sweet release

>run shred -zu *
>ask them to come tomorrow

Politely ask to see the warrant

Do the helicockter and fly away
>cant touch this

Uh, let them look at my computer?
What kind of secret hacker files do you guys have?

optionally get shot

this
i'm not paying to replace a door those assholes decided to break.

Nothing. Stay put follow orders try not to get shot.
My life is boring, and everything I own is legal. They'll probably question me about why I'm using grey area anime sites when I have paid streaming accounts, and I'll explain why. They'll leave, and I'll continue my boring life. The end.

youtube.com/watch?v=g3KPSyNxnL8

unlid my stewing cesspool i keep in a cauldron in my living room

I have a gas mask so I'll be fine

>fat neckbeard thinking he's important
Nobody cares bro, let alone the police.

I want to answer things like this.

youtube.com/watch?v=CiBI0yrtHUo

Shout at my mom to get the fucking door and keep masturbating.

>Politely ask to see the warrant
>this
I hope you retards are not from the US because they knock and then a millisecond later a ram will knock your door hinges and they'll be inside and you'll still have your pants down and your dick in your hand and a surprised look on your face.

>open the door
>get on the floor
>everybody walk the dinosaur

...

Ask them if they can help me finish installing Gentoo.

>nothing to hide
are you a lawyer? how can you be so sure you haven't broken a law? do you realise how many laws there are?

>>nothing to hide
are you a lawyer?

No, but I do hire an attorney when needed.

>how can you be so sure you haven't broken a law?

I can be sure, because I'm not retarded.

>do you realise how many laws there are?

Yes. Again I assure you that I'm not retarded, but I'm also not a doctor, so I'm not qualified to really say if I am, or not.

Anyways my plan is to remain non threatening/alive until everything is donr, and handle it from there. If I need an attorney then there will be one, and they will handle everything for me.

poweroff

This. Everything's encrypted

youtube.com/watch?v=CiBI0yrtHUo

>there's at least 30 seconds separating them from your computer once they are inside your house

Lol, there's plenty more than 30 seconds separating them from the inside of the house in the first place. I live in northern Europe, my door is thick and swings outwards.

The only right answer

webm is what I would do

>2017
>he doesn't have a tesla coil installed next to his hard drive

I watched some episode of CSI where a kid's computer was being seized, but he had installed thin magnetic strips on his door frame, so when they took his computer, they inadvertently wiped the HDDs, much to the cops' dismay. So I have taken cues from this TV show and have installed magnetic strips on the entry points of my room.

that won't do shit

Are you telling me that the TV show wasn't depicting something true to life?

>thin magnetic strips
>Implying fridge magnets can wipe a HDD
Your HDD comes into contact with stronger magnetic fields just from the earth itself

If you got illegal shit your probably just better off shooting yourself in that 30 seconds.

Not really much else you can do, any DA who wants to bust random weebs is just starting a witch hunt to make a name for himself anyway so they will pin literally anything on you that they can if you try to get out of it somehow.

I'll just shut the PC down, they won't have time to do any kind of cold boot attacks.

It's not like I have any illegal shit, but fuck if I'm making it any easier on the government to harrass its citizens.

Put the kettle on.

No reason to be impolite.

One day I'll write an article on how to made a paranoid FBI-proof file storage. Until then, I would not tell you.

LOL no FBI in my country!
kys faggots

I press the panic button, obviously.

I like you.

Make a phone call to my party van.

Add some biscuits or slice and they'll drop the case.

Fount the narc

Unleash the falcon

Continue my livestream and reupload to YouTube once they leave. A SWATting video will earn me megabucks.

Pull drives from bays and throw them from the window into my neighbours garden so they have to get another permit to go get them

Unless your neighbour Is a neet like you the police will just ask permission to get the hdds and be on their way

Jump into my neighbour's garden so they need another warrant to arrest me. He's a cool bloke.

You have to put rare earth magnets ON (not near, on) a hard drive to damage it. You could pull this sort of trick with a powerful electromagnet and old low-coercivity magnetic media. Think floppy disks. (or the magstripes on US credit cards, those are the only place you find low-coercivity magnetic storage now)

>>If you got illegal shit your probably just better off shooting yourself in that 30 seconds.
if you're gonna do that why not have a button that blows up your whole house and everything in it?

IF I had something to hide, I would remove my encryption passkey, then poweroff.

If that would work the side effects would be hilarious:
“Yes hello, come in“
“WTF my phone died“
“Yeah whoops forgot to tell ya sorry that all your shit is lost now.“

Show them my dick they'll want to run away

ha i already deleted my 100gig collection of cp and beastiality, you aint got nothing on me

Nigga is that twin peaks?

>i love my secrets

Send all the sensitive information to Russia.

>“WTF my phone died“
tfw arresting pedos but checking dank memes on your phone is more important

Unplug the computer and remove the read only usb drive that contains nothing more than the unmodified image of a well known distribution of gnu plus linux.

Only if I had done something illegal, and when doing so, I only use a very specific computer hooked up to a network that isn't mine.

>Implying they won't shut down electricity in your house just as they knock down the door to prevent memory overwrites
>Implying they won't spray your computer with liquid nitrogen to prevent electricity discharge.
>Implying they won't start analyzing your machine on the spot to retrieve still fresh decryption keys from memory.

Enjoy life in prison, son.

>implying 30 seconds is too fast for a computer to die
Bitch I'll blow on my computer to cool it down.

relax because my country doesn't have this bullshit

>he doesn't have a tesla coil integrated directly into his computer case

sauce?

I got nothing to hide so they can come in if they like.

Is this the most realistic portrayal of hackers in movies?

nothing, if they want to go through my uninteresting stuff it doesn't matter too much.

dismount my shameful encrypted porn volume and hope for the best

Movie called The Core.

Hey man, if you faggots came on with the pot of tea and some iced vovos as opposed to pissbottles and cum encrusted tshirts, our rage would be far less incandescent.

Really discharges the tazers.

what i really want to know is why on earth so many SWAT niggers are required to take down some neckbeard who could probably barely move himself off the chair let alone kill a hardened armed tactical officer, or 20.

Nothing. There is nothing illegal on my computer.

youtube.com/watch?v=YNbf4ArEG1w
except I'd set it for 31 seconds so I get to see their stupid faces as they run into my room with sirens blaring as it blows up once the last second passes.

search how to wipe a hard drive

>Running a RPi
>Micro SD Card with everything on it
>No time to turn off the Pi, ripe out the micro sd card
>Break micro sd card in half, run to the bath room and flush it down the toilet

>case is locked, no fast access to RAM without causing damage
>slow them down for a minute with firearms to ensure that the data is lost

People have killed coppers in no-knock raids and got out scot-free for it before.

>Not having a UPS

>let them take my shit
>make it a pain in the ass for them
>hire a lot of lawyers
>make a deal that I decrypt and if there's nothing I get all of it back
>decrypt when they agree
>it's just work documents, hobbyist programming projects, and a 35gb folder of pepes
>sue them and buy tendies and a new desktop with all the good boy points

this, also i only have is cropped porn reaction images from e621

>it's just work documents, hobbyist programming projects, and a 35gb folder of pepes
>and you don't actually decrypt the hidden partition where all your CP is
>sue them and buy tendies and a new desktop with all the good boy points

I hate when that happens

...

>not having 5 encrypted 1TB drives all filled to the brim with rare pepes

Hypnotize them with my fidget spinner.

Faggot.

delete my Music, Films, and Games folders and I'm good

I throw a flashbang and a stun grenade to delay them for 15 more seconds

>rip out my HDDs
>smash the platters with pin punch and hammer
>toss them into neighbour's yard
I have nothing illegal other than music and games, and they're not gonna bother searching other people's property for the harddrives, let alone reconstructing the platters for piracy

If they knock, then they can't come in untill they suspect a crime occurring or see me at the door. The door kick kind of warranty is litteraly called a 'no knock warrent' and is very hard to get, even then they have to announce themselfs. "Drug dealers" are robbed alot of just busting is could get you shot. Omar is coming and such.

If you watch shows like first 48 or other more realistic cop stuff, they serve warrants all the time. They sit around and wait to get permission if they suspect your In inside but you won't answer the door. That means going to a judge and upgrading to a no knock warrent'. That can take like 6 hours. The justification to kick in your door is that your probably destroying evidence, so you might as well just do that and cover your tracks.

Looks like a ghetto jedi

Electron Microscope will ensure that you go to prison, you sick fucks.

what

I activate my stand.
>ZA WARUDO! TOKI WO TOMARE

>Look though door spy
>Run to PC and kill power
>rip case open and break TPM device
>open the door
>realise that I don't have anything to hide
>realise that I just broke my TPM and won't be able to restore my data since I don't keep recovery codes
>fuck.png

>Ctrl+alt+shift+backspace
good luck recovering information after I use my anti FBI keybind.

> Open door
> "oh my pc? It's over here."

What the fuck did you expect user? The most illegal thing I own is Kodi.

Oh W O W.
Sick bant friendo haha

Smack the jesus out of anyone trying to open my personal nudes folder, what else?

Uh let them in because there is nothing illegal n my house or on my computer.

>He didn't secure his computer's so when they are forcibly opened they automatically combust
come on kiddo's

If you are not sure there is no intent and you will not go to jail

Thanks Hillary Clinton.