Let's imagine Sup Forums developed its own programming language

Let's imagine Sup Forums developed its own programming language.
What paradigm would it have, what are you allowed to do: what would it look like?

C with modular programming features (e.g. interface types and namespaces), tuples, and function overloading

Rust without borrow checker.

HolyC.

Punchcard only I/O
No OOP nonsense
Borrows keywords from COBOL and Fortran
Everything outside "" is denoted as a string,

you mean dlang?

God no.
None of that automatic memory management and FP rubbish for me.

C with objects and can be interpreted by web browser. :^)

You can already compile ObjectiveC and C++ to JavaScript.

OOP

one-to-one implementation of all assembly languages into a universal language for portability

...

We have done so multiple times.
The best one was c+=

This, /thread

C with operator and function overloading, templates, OOP and namespaces.

just disable GC

>let's take all the worst part of sepples and add them to C making it the new sepples.

so, C++?

Pattern matching and first class functions are essential.

I'd be interested in a programming language that let functions declare a ceiling for how long they can compute for (paramatrized by the inputs, of course).

I'd also be interested in a language where loose coupling is built into the logic. Like, every type and function besides your main method (for an executable)/your public interface (for a library) is marked as a dependency of your program which you've provided an implementation of and can be swapped out by the user if they wish.

Pattern matching is cancer. All branches should be explicit if statements in the source code.

Every language should have go-style switch case:
switch val {
case 2:
fallthrough
case 4, 6, 8:
fallthrough
case val % 2 == 0:
fmt.Println("even")
// breaks by default
default:
fmt.Println("Odd")
}

Absolutely disgusting. Languages should enforce putting cases in lexical order to ensure correct code generation.

But it is in lexical order.

>case val % 2 == 0:
This is 1 or 0 you dumb fuck

No it's true or false you retard.

True is 1
False is 0
Learn to program

Not in Go.
Learn to program in a language that isn't C (or one that has silly implicit type conversions like JS)

They're 1 and 0 under the hood, I don't know Go but I guarantee it, try casting them to int

switch (condition) { case another_condition: ... } no matter the language you can't double branch a switch statement.

So what? You're ignoring the type information that the compiler has clear access to.
A bool isn't an int.

And consider a system based on Church encodings, even without types they'd be different.

Concurrent by default
Stack based
Ternary logic

what do you mean I can't?

BASIC but with curly braces

What do you mean by double branch?

It's called PHP