Igor is poor dirt farmer in Old Country. Is raise good dirt for to send to Chernobyl. Igor is loyal to Kommunist Party

Igor is poor dirt farmer in Old Country. Is raise good dirt for to send to Chernobyl. Igor is loyal to Kommunist Party.

One day, Igor friend, Anya tell Igor about Powersball. Is Amerikan plot to undermine Mother Russia. Igor is buy a tiket for 2 goat.

Is next day and Igor turn on State Owned Televisor. Televisor announce winning balls. Igor is match all white balls but not match red Powersball. Igor look at tiket. Igor is win 1 millions Uniting States dollars. Is about 345,882,112,009 rubles.

Igor is happy man. Igor is dance in street. Igor take tiket to turn in for prize. Prize man is KGB. Igor is match all five white balls but is not match red Powersball. Every good Kommunist know that red is color of Mother Russia. Igor is shot for disloyalty to Mother Russia.

Such is life in Glorious Moscow.

Engineman worker Davesch live in glorious motherland. Davesch good comrade and is loyal to Kommunist party. Is fix mighty soviet tractor when break. Beet farmer shares beets with Davesch in return.

One night after much vodka, Davesch is thinking strange thought. "If is true soviet tractor then tractor is not break!" Davesch think, "Maybe tractor is inferior capitalist copy." Davesch examine tractor. Davesch see that tractor make with garbage metal and glue made with sawdust and vodka. Davesch run to commissar and tells commissar that tractor is capitalist imitation.

Davesch is shot for doubting good soviet handiwork. Shot again for breaking tractor. All good comrades know soviet tractor is not break. Tractor is shot for allow capitalist spy to tamper with and for not working for motherland at all hours. Beet farmer is shot for share beets with capitalist spy who break tractor. Commissar is promoted for discover capitalist scheme and given beet farm. Beet farm is fail with no tractor and commissar is shot for not produce beets. Such is life in Moskva.

Jesus my sides are ORBITING PLUTO

...

/Thread

Is glorious evening in Moscow. Papa has returned home after 23 hour day working on Moscow Metro, transporting hard working communists all over city, to three room state owned apartment.

Mother is making Borscht for supper while teaching older daughter Svetlana her numbers in kitchen.

Papa is watching the televizer in main room under watchful gaze of Lenin as the triumphs of communism are shown on the screen. Little Peytor is having bath towel draped over back and running across room with Avtomat Kalashnikova 47 pretending to be Kaptain Kommunism, imitating what he sees on televizer.

Grandfather is sitting in corner cursing, drinking up ration of vodka, yelling about how things were better when Stalin was still here and complaining about Borscht still not being ready.

Suddenly door is blown off hinges as KGB storm apartment. Mother is beaten and sent to gulag for teaching girl numbers when there is communism to be made. 10 years added to stay in glorious gulag because borscht is still not ready. Svetlana is beaten and sent to Vladivostok to work in glorious can factory because not make communism while learning numbers. Peytor is beat with Avtomat Kalashnikova 47 for not making communism while communism is still to be made, then conscripted into the Red Army and sent to spread glorious communism across world. Papa is take outside, beaten, driven to Moskva River, beaten again and then shot and dropped into river for harboring den of sloth, not building communism when there is communism to be built and for borscht still not being ready. Body is shot again until sink in river because littering is frowned upon.

KGB return to three room state owned apartment and walk up to Grandfather and salute HERO Of Soviet Union. Grandfather is work for KGB since end of Great Patriotic War and his guarding of potato ration of Stalingrad is legendary. KGB present Grandfather with extra ration of vodka and all toast the eradication of sloth and lazyness.

Week later Grandfather is found dead of starvation because borscht is still not ready. Apartment is razed for make way of glorious new tractor factory.

Such is life in Moscow.

Vlad is young boy born in Leningrad, his mother a hard at working in factory and father often away on glorious Soviet submarine. Vlad join KGB academy for young gifted communists in Okhta, Leningrad at young age of 3. Vlad show much promise with information extraction method and unique use of Автомат Калашникова and lubricant. Vlad quickly promote to high rank of лейтенант полковник and plan to overthrow capitalist puppet president. Vlad not succeed, but keep communist heart even if different times come. Soon Vlad gloriously bribe all filthy capitalist scum in Politburo with many пакет from KGB and become Glorious President. Vlad soon realise great capitalist plan to bring армагеддон. Vlad often pretend to go church, because Vlad only believe in Glorious Communism and KBG, but Vlad see foolishness of capitalist интрига. Vlad decide to save world and bring glory of communism everywhere. Vlad create complicate plan to save world and purge capitalism from world forever, but at last moment fellow chinese товарищ betray Vlad and kill him. Vlad think only of glorious KBG in last breath and join Stalin and Lenin in heaven. Such is life in Moscow.

Glorious OC user.
You have improved Sup Forums today

Three Komrades are brag about sons.

“My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Komrade.

“Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!”

Third Komrade wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.”

“Wow! You are win us,” say others.

Meanwhile, KGB operative is of listening (KGB always listening).

Is shoot the capitalist swine for insulting of glorious Soviet lifestyle instead of building mighty Kommunism.

Operative is sent to gulag for having listen to capitalist lies.

Such is life in Moskva.

This thread is fucking amazing.

Bump

Am I the only one capping this

Nope
Future generations must know

moar op for the love of god

Thanks brother give me some i'm on mobile

Dmitri is poor man. Is grow good Kommunist beets for Glorious Soviet Empire. One day Dmitri is meet Olga. Olga is шлюха maybe. Just maybe. Is one night of companionship and talk of how to please KGB.

Four months later, Dmitri is married man. Olga is wife now. Is happiness in home. KGB make sure of that.

Ten years later, Dmitri is sent to Moscow for to bring excellent beet crop to Army kitchens. While in Moscow, Dmitri meet Vladirmir. Vladirmir is programmer of komputors. He is show Dmitri wonders of Internets. Dmitri steal small komputor and make account.

Dmitri join Ashley Madisyon. Dmitri find Nastasya. In amazing coincidence Nastasya live in town only 5 km from Dmitri and is want for to have "good time" with beet farmers.

Dmitri tell to meet Nastasya at midnight in beet field. When Dmitri show up, Nastasya tell him he is arrest and she is KGB. She say "Give me stolen komputor and you can go home." Dmitri is stupid man. He give stolen komputor.

Dmitri is shot for steal and for being pervert on Ashley Madisyon.

Olga is sent to Kamchatka Dirt Mine for being unwed mother.

Nastasya is given bonus ration of beet for finding pervert. But then Nastasya is shot for being pervert on Ashley Madisyon. KGB cannot be too careful.

Vladirmir is given bonus for tempting and rooting out thief. He is given Dmitri's beet farm and told quota is raised. Vladirmir is good programmer but not so good beet farmer. Vladirmir is sent to gulag in Siberia for not growing enough beets.

Komputor is shot.

Such is life in Moscow.

...

Moar

>Komputer is shot.
My sides

ukranian here. this is the dumbest shit i ever read.

Roksana is stupid girl. Mother is fall on ice when she carry Roksana as a bebe. Roksana hit head and is struck stupid.

Roksana is 36 years old now and is very stupid. Glorious Kommunist Party is take care of her. Give her low end unimportant job so she can support herself. Roksana is Director of Safety at local Uranium Mine.

Roksana has lonely life. One night after shift, she is repair short wave radio. Radio is come to life and sing song. Song is from Capitalist Pigs of Uniting States of Amerika. Song tells how Amerikan шлюха is finding men. Roksana listen to song for long time and nod. "Maybe Roksana can find man in this way." Roksana go home.

Next night, Roksana go to family barn and squeeze udders of family goat. Roksana take it to behind her home and shake it. Roksana shake the milk for long time but no man come to see her. Roksana save milk under floorboard. That night, no milk is from goat for to make gruel for dinner.

Roksana shake milk for many nights in yard. Neighbor Dmitri turn her into KGB. He is thinking she is Gypsy doing magic. Next night Roksana is shake milk and KGB man come. She think man come for her shake of milk and is happy. But KGB arrest her for making Capitalist Pig ritual. Roksana is sent to Dirt Mine in Kamchatka. Goat is shot.

Roksana's mother is arrest for dropping bebe on head and causing this whole mess. She is sent to Gulag in Siberia.

Dmitri is rewarded. He is given Roksana's job. One week later 57 men die in mine disaster when Dmitri pass out from too much vodka on job. He is shot by KGB. Now mine has no Director of Safety. But uranium output is doubled.

Such is life in Moscow.

>the KGB will shoot him if he doesn't say this

...

Someone better be capping this and making a jpeg

Svetlana grow up on simple potato farm
At peoples education institute she is learn many history of proud Soviet Union
She returns home to family, mother cooks meal and father drink vodka after work for KGB
One day at school svetlana is give beatles record by schoolmates
Glorious Commissar of Education Institute discovers this and Svetlana is not return from school, her parents do not wonder
Such is life in Glorious Soviet Union

what happens next OP?

what???? fuck off dumbass, get your facts straight

Nikita and Ivan come home from long (but not long enough) day of work at Glorious Kommunist Party plant. They are tired from sorting stones without Chernobyl radiation from stones with Chernobyl radiation. They eat delicious turnip and beet soup. Is now dark and they go to bed because candles are very expensive.

Is many hours in darkness. Is sudden light and much noise. Is Ivan who awake. He smell sulphur. He light expensive candle and see Nikita in bed. She is shot in head. He look and see bullet hole in window so he roll on floor and crawl down Glorious Party stairs to main room.

Noise stop now. Is knock on door. Ivan yells "Come in, KGB Comrades, I await your judgement." Door is open. Large soldier with gun come in. Is not KGB. Is Capitalist Pig soldier.

Capitalist Pig soldier speak "Greetings sir. Your Godless Communist country has been conquered by Uniting States of Amerika. Welcome to your new freedom." He leaves large bag on table and walk out.

Ivan look in bag and see many decadent things. Is chocolate bars. Is Kentuckys Fried Chickens. Is Budweising Beers. Is girly magazine. Ivan take magazine and put in pocket. Ivan look out door.

Ivan see many tanks and jeeps and soldiers and aeroplanes of Uniting States of Amerika. Is also many KGB Comrades being lead away in chain. They look at Ivan sadly. Ivan look at captive KGB Comrades and tiny smile.

Ivan feel gun on forehead. Ivan is now awake in bed. Nikita is holding gun and say "Greetings traitor. I am KGB." She shoot him for being happy at KGB being caught. Ivan falls out of bed in pool of blood. As he die, he feels in pocket and finds girly magazine from Uniting States of Amerika. He look at pretty Amerikan girl on cover.

Nikita is wake from bed. Ivan is there. KGB is there. Ivan and Nikita are arrested and sent to Siberian Gulag for possession of obscene literature and impersonating KGB. Expensive candles are taken and given to more loyal Kommunist Comrades.

Such is life in Glorious Moscow.

...

how is this even funny.... ?

It's funny because you slavs live in shitholes

Go back to farming beets before gloriosu premier has you killed

Quiet commrade
KGB is listening

Am sitting in shack drinking vodka and teaching son communism when hear noise in kitchen.

Son and I go in kitchen and see Cheburashka. Cheburashka is popular russian children character who tell little soviets joy of communism.

As such is strange to see Cheburashka standing in kitchen not working to further the glory of communism.

Son asks Cheburashka komrade why he standing instead of working, as he is stupid boy who thinks Cheburashka is real bear and not KGB in disguise.

Cheburashka turns and he covered in blood and capitalist pig dog paraphernalia. This surprising as KGB not have time to put effort into tests as there is many traitors and not much time.

Son asks why Cheburashka has betrayed Stalin.

Cheburashka says "I AM STALIN" I throw little bear to starving Russian wolves for impersonating Stalin.

Wolves are KGB, and am sent to Gulag for distributing capitalist propaganda to wildlife.

Cheburashka is executed for being capitalist pig Swine.

KGB wolves confiscate son feet as punishment for speaking to capitalist pig swine.

Such is life in Moscow

dude, kek.
>american education

You're awesome man if it's your own work

On cold soviet night, lonely girl is spend night in room with no beets for not work hard enough at build communism. Lapushka lighting candle and go to corner of room. Is mirror, very large mirror. Lapushka gaze into indulgent artifakt of capitalism holding candle. "кровавый Мэри, кровавый Мэри, кровавый Мэри,"

Lapushka says, spinning in front of mirror before stop and look. Suddenly Lapushka seeing movement in mirror! Is ghost! No, is not ghost, comrade. Is KGB. KGB emerge from mirror, shoot Lapushka for having illegal mirror. Shoot again for believe in ghost. Ghost is superstitious legend of telling by fearful weak capitalists who have not drunk enough vodka. Shoot again for sleep and not work for motherland. Shoot selves for emerge from artefakt of capitalism. Loyalty to motherland is strong, though, and KGB comrades return to life with added Soviet strength.

Family is arrest by KGB and sent to cold Siberia to count trees.

Such is life in Moscow.

Posting in epic breed

...

It's ok, the KGB probably isn't watching you post on a mongolian horse cheese forum. You can tell the truth.

Ogon po gotovnosti comrad

Fuckin newfags

All from reddit.
OP is a faggot and you all should feel bad

Lady drive down road one night, along with two beautiful Soviet babies. Earlier that day, KGB break down door and tell her that Lenin demands her to kill two babies, for they are filthy capitalist pigs! They promise to give great Order of Lenin if she does so. Woman is good Soviet so she agrees, for the love of Lenin. She stop by lake, capitalist piglets ask what she does. She grabs both, and throws them with the power of bear into cold, Siberian lake, and watch as the pigs drown with smile on her face.

She report to KGB next day. KGB thank her for her service to the glorious Motherland. But no Order of Lenin! She go home crying, sad that she kill her capitalist children for 'evil' (HER WORDS NOT MINE) Socialist party.

KGB track down woman in less than second and shoot her like dog for traitorous words. Shoot again for having emotion. Shoot again for having illegal car. Shoot again for demanding reward greater than happiness for serving the Motherland. And finally, shoot again for wasting time and not working productively for the Motherland.

Such is life.

In Eastern Siberia, young turnip farmer Chikov is recording sounds of house after break in by bears, and then maybe sell it to locals who are want to hear sounds of sleeping proletariat instead of soviet war factory machines at work.

Because Chikov is live in Eastern Siberia, he is not get magnificent sounds of Soviet-Farm-Tractor, or Soviet-Brand-Tank, or even greater sound of Lenin-Is-Speaking, so his record-make of himself sleeping will be very cheap-- enough for new doorknob if enough sell because last one is presume stolen by neighbor Nikolai (Иди к черту Николая , я съем свой борщ , пока вы спите !).

On September 27 after hard day of farming, Chikov is ready to execute capitalists his plan. He is hang microphone from ceiling in shack, and fell asleep on straw bed.

Next day, Chikov is wake up and take recording to field to listen while he work. The first hour he is work, his recording is play sound of him "Beating the capitalist". Is normal, and finally there is sound of snoring, which continued for the second hour.

Then, he is excited when he hear his shack door open. But sound is not right... is not sound of clumsy bear raiding his cabinets for beet stash... Is sound of boots! And jingling of soviet metal!

Chikov's blood is turn as cold as american spy buried in snow!

Was not bear in house! Was--

Suddenly KGB is appear, popping out from where turnip is grow.

Chikov is arrest for sleeping when should have been on double-overtime shift at tin can factory in West Siberia. Is pulled down to underground gulag to work for mole-KGB.

Chikov's recording is make record distribution and is get Iron-Record award two years later.

Also KGB is execute beets for not sharing themselves with the mother country.

Kek

Bumpirino

So I am work as radio host at only radio station is Siberia (is good channel; march music 24/7).

One job that I am having is to play Comrade Stalin speech before I am go and eat. Speech is long, so I have much time to have drink and eat borscht-- but not always at same time. When speech is done, I put music for marching to back on. Is easy job.

One day though, I am get telegraph while I am playing music. This is very rude; who is even calling while music is playing? They should be working for motherland! Tin cans not put beet in themselves!

Telegraph is read "What is speech you just play?"

Comrade is obviously capitalist (ergo not comrade); clearly his radio is not hearing good, as I am not play speech! Speech was play minutes ago! I telegraph him to go have sex with his pigburger-automobile like dirty capitalist he is.

I check time-- turns out is time for break. I put on speech and go outside in Siberia snow where I have vodka cooled and borscht also cooled (is better this way; iced borscht more solid, and more filling!).

Suddenly, I am hearing telegraph go off. I am take my food inside and tend to telegraph. Is from communications relay K-68. They is say to play last speech; say something is not good. Of course, I play. Is not like K-68 is bad relay like C-10; is all assholes who come and let bear into my radio hut and bear ate all of cushioning off log I am sit on.

I am listen to it playback:

"Being quick Comrades, or you is being missed at Stalin Day work spe-"

Sound is stop. Then I am hear worst sounds of life!

Through radio speaking, I am hear...

"Stalin is only 'okay' leader."

I am scream bloody proletariat! And my door is being kick in by KGB! They are quickly throw radio equipment into potato sack and kick it till it is stop speaking and explode into dirty capitalist spy chunks.

I, of course, am first to spit on dead radio and we is go and go bury remains in american embassy building in Ukraine, which was good warning to Americans that communism is serious work.

KGB is kind for once, and is help me get back to Siberia. But suddenly, I am put in potato sack and kick!

I am sent to gulag now for breaking of Soviet radio equipment and not being working.

Extended time in gulag for touching US Embassy.

Kek