ITT we all pretend we are in an office

ITT we all pretend we are in an office

It's somebody's birthday, let's all get pretend-excited about cake like we're 5 year olds

idk what I am doing here, I studied medical sciences ffs

Hey faggot, i'm gonna need 20 copies of your ass by monday morining

Hey Tom. Guess who just sharted himself? Yeaaah that's meee thumbs up my maan yeaah! Another chair ruined for good! Damn I'm good!

Shut up. Everyday with the same shit, "I studied medical I should be doing great things" We are all in the same boat here Greg you stupid cunt

Six months to Christmas everyone

Fuckers.

I hate you all.

Excuse me, Op. Are you done with those memos?

The vending machine just gave me two snickers lads, get on it

Op, cut it out. We have work to do!

We told you what would happen if you kept looking at Sonic scat porn in work hours last time didn't we? Clear your desk please, you will get your final pay check in the mail

Did someone say cake???

Woops, took the last cup of coffee. Oh well, the next person will make the pot

you asshole one of them is mine. that machine took my money again. REEEEEEEEEEEE

Almost. Have you seen Karen anywhere? She needs to finish the PowerPoint for our next meeting

I really, like really wish i can die right now... I have a dead end job, no wife, no kids (obviously) and that Tom guy is a legit fucking asshole. So what do you guys think, will I die if i jump put this window?

Do it faggot

We should all strike and demand higher wages. What are they gonna do? Fire us and outsource our jobs?

gets bored, too bored at this point the day to day grind is too much, i am dead on the inside. i start by shitting in OPs coffee mug, i then go and borrow a suicide vest from the closest mudslime i can find and go back to OPs desk, the shit mug is still there. i chug the mug before vomiting into OPs keyboard and sit in his chair. i then detonate, the remains scatter throughout the office but most of the damage is in OPs cubicle, my lower half remained intact but i shit myself.

Heyyy how are you? I'm good thanks. Have a good weekend? Yup me too. Went by too fast hahahahaha! I got a bunch of boring stuff to do in the morning and a meeting a little bit later, but then I can show you how I did this one thing the other day. Let me know when you have a moment in the afternoon. Thanks!

You are the scum of the universe

You still on for hot yoga on saturday?

Let's not invite Jennifer again though, she doesn't take it seriously at all.

HR ANNOUNCEMENT* this is phill from HR. Whoever is clogging the toilets in the mens bathroom with dildos needs to stop. I mean christ how much is this costing you anyways?

Wouldn't it be funny if this file just got up and started dancing?
"I am a file and you put documents in me" haha

Sorry to break character bros but this fuckin happened to me the other day. It was a $2 bag of Doritos though. I ended up buying another and eventually got two!

Does that plane look low or is it just me?

Finally, MY TIME HAS COME, GRANDMA HERE I COME

Oh hi Muhammed, are you ok, I heard you were let go.

Wait, is that a gun?

pc load letter...?

WHAT THE FUCK IS PC LOAD LETTER

I say that at the start and you were all like "oh no she will get in to it" and I have been saying to not invite her for weeks now. Can we get smoothies afterwards? There is this new place on 5th street

Doesn't matter Jet Fuel Can’t Melt Steel Beams

I'm telling you Bob, liking girls that have feminine penises is not gay

I told you fuckers if you sent me that stupid fucking banana meme one more time, you'd fucking pay.

is there anything to worry about? jet fuel cant melt steel beams

Yo be cool man I bought you lunch, kill everybody else and let me live please

Please Muhammed shoot me first...FUCKING END ME

just try it

This.

>real office worker here

Achmed, seriously people are trying to work here, take your bb pistol and your gay leg holster home before I call the building security.

Fuck am I doing here? I'm a goddammned CNA.... The fuck am I supposed to do here? Is there someone that needs some ambulatory services or something?

hey someone made the boss smile, were gonna get out early.

Yeah! that was great bro! whos the man!?

>Smashes face in with keyboard

Am i doing this right?

Hey guys theres another plane coming. It's pretty low also

>head down to the basement to ask the IT staff a question
>hey geeks, can you h-

>wonder if anyone has noticed I'm still technically drunk from last night & aren't doing a fucking thing..

Evening everyone, I know it's Saturday evening and we'd all rather be home, so I brought donuts. Two have raspberry jelly, there's one lemon cream for Dennis, the rest are half chocolate and glazed. I also brought a gallon of milk, and some solo cups. Let's try and wrap this function up so we can go home, here's looking at you test automation.

Why did you say that out loud?

WHO THE FUCK ATE MY DAM SANDWICH? There was my name on it for gods sake. Every day, EVERY FUCKING DAY! Some day I will get you and then I will BET THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR FUCKING ROBBING FACE!

It is hard to know who's is who's when we are all called user

Wow a whole dozen for the whole office. Good work, Jeff. *underbreath* You fucking moron.

Whops, here it is. It was just behind the milk. Never mind.

>work in jpop music production company

I'm not surprised

underrated post

Don't know. Those have been up my ass for months.

>I know there are better brands of coffee but the resources manager can buy this along with all the stationary

Well men today the office is closing down for good.

Omar I'm straight

>gotta take a shit
>Kinda gassy. Hope it isn't super loud.

Well men today the office is closing down for good. It's been a good run

...

Oh well excuse me, I don't see you giving the office anything besides your shit attitude. So unless you're going to contribute, piss off.

Hey guys,

As you all know, I take my responsibility as team leader very seriously. I've been with the company for six years and I know that management really value my knowledge and drive to get better every day.

To teach you the skills that you need to be a team leader just like me, I'm bringing in this orchid for you all to look after. Please design a rota on Excel for who will water it.

Have a great Saturday!

Andy

Boss patted me on the shoulder a little too long today can I talk to someone about this?

no. it wouldn't, red bloke.

The printer seems to be out of ink sir.

Does piss count as water?

Ffs phil i told you the toilet clogs if you use too much toilet paper. You made this mess, you fix it this time.

Okay, I have a little joke for him: How does Trump removes his condom?
By Farting

This cunt is going to make us do another fucking team bonding exercise soon. Just fucking leave us alone David Brent.

It's not hard to replace Andrew, what are you going to raise your hand for help next?

>Fucks around with Google Maps

Well guys, we are fucked.
There's no more budget, this company hasn't produced anything in a long time and you're still getting payed.
It was good to meet you faggots.

Dude let me show you my house

Oh sorry, see, I was busy doing my damn job while you were trying to get Shirley from accounting to blow you by bringing in donuts.

Lets see it

holy shit guys have you seen this zoom out shit?

You can go to fucking Mars!

God damn it, 30 minutes and we haven't accomplished anything, fucking/ b/ can't go half an hour without breaking toilets, having cake, and arguing over some donuts. I swear to Satan if I don't have those papers on my desk by 8 I'm going to fire all of you

Oh, fuck you! I'm not the one who was fired from my last job after groping a girl on work experience

How do i clear my browse story?

I am looking for a room mate if anybody is intrested.

You have to go down to I.T

Well, there's this secret compartment in the boss' office. We could... start a cartel? I mean, we have no cash. I'll make a few calls to some potential buyers.

where is my stapler

Where did the money come from?

Guys please not this again
Its the third time this week
Control urself ffs

>snicker.
I'm so hilarious

Yay

Did you know that there is only one human resources employee? It is me.

He started it

Well that's it, WHO THE FUCK ATE MY FUCKING SANDWICHES they had a fucking note with my name on it, this is the third time this week, IS NOT THAT HARD TO AVOID EATING MY FUCKING SANDWICHES PEOPLE

Maybe, I am homeless, My office room is my home

Paul, where the fuck are Q1's numbers? You were supposed to have them on my desk 2 days ago!

I swear to fucking christ, if I don't have them on my desk by 5pm this evening I'm going to murder your fucking unborn child.

Hey dude spare room if you need it. Just ignore the screaming it's the neighbours, not my daughter and wife in the basement.

Well... I don't see why not.
We're not gonna get fired, so... Yeah, let's go.
I know a guy in colombia that could really help us a lot.

Better question is, why the fuck is there a safe full of what is literally a metric ton of cocaine? This can't be the boss' right? I mean, why would he bother to - OH SHIT.
Hey boss, what's crackin'? Oh, that wasn't a joke, I'm sorry. See, the janitor tried to clean your office and moved something to open this, I swear I won't tell.

Jesus Eric you gotta take your damn medication you already ate the sandwich don't you remember?

It wasn't me. I masturbated on them hoping you'd enjoy the surprise, but a fucking thief ruined it.

Want some fresh semen instead?

*comes in with a tuna-garlic sandwich*