Hey /b, let's hear some stoner stories. I remember my first time I had bought oregano

Hey /b, let's hear some stoner stories. I remember my first time I had bought oregano.

First time stoning with my bud he thought his face flew of his head

Never took drugs in my life and never will. How's that for a "stoner story"? Now get out of my \b\

So, back in the day me and my home dawg jake used to work at this goddamn restaurant. Some of the best days of our lives: we were poor as balls, dealing with the Shittiest, dumbest customers and incompetent management all the while working the most ridiculous hours. But we had access to some dank bud and the job was brainless enough to do it stoned as all hell. Good times.
>be me
>be at work with Monica jake
>we decide we gonna take our fifteen minute break and play classic chess outside
>classic chess is this game we made up
> the rules are simple: you hit the pipe and hold it in for as long as possible then you pass it.
>the goal is to down to bowls before going back in
>play chess
>homedawg Jacob forgets to tell me it's the dankest shit ever
>get high as cunts
>go back and to work
>start serving a table
>it's some dumb family; mom, dad, and 7/10 daughter
>notice daughter has weird shit on her goddamn face
Cont.

>\b\

>it's herpes. Definitely herpes
>take their order
>I'm thinkingalright buddy be calm stay cool
>trying to hold my shit together
>manage to get through the whole order and then right as I leave herpes face says something about the silverware
>don't remember what
>but I turn around and say: don't worry, you can keep that, we don't need herpes silverware
>ohfuckme.jpeg
>the fuck did I just say
>dad's face goes fucking tomato instantly
>"excuse me sir? What did you just say?"
>manage to get out an "uh" before he cuts me off
>my daughter contracted herpes when she was orally raped by someone who was infected and she's just starting to get outside again!"
>I picked literally the worst time to laugh. Literally. It wasn't even funny, I was just so high I laughed.
Cont

more ;)

>dad stands up, looking like he's about to fucking murder me
>mcnultywhatthefuckdidido.gif
>"dad, please..." Daughter manages to squeak out, trying to keep her voice down so as not to draw attention
>mom looking at me in disgust
>dad says " I wanna talk to your goddamn manager right now."
>I'll go get him sir. Still fucking smiling goddammit.
>dad has a clenched fist
>run to homie jake
>bruh, pretend to be my manager. You gotta!
>jake dawg got my back
>walks up to dad
>"how can I help you today?"
>dad all like "this asshole started by telling my daughter she can keep her silver because-"
>jake, just as high as me, cuts him off with "cuz of the heroes on her face, right?"
>jesusgoddamnchrist.mp4
Cont

You are a god among men.

yes he is but he is so slow

fucking gold

>dad just looks at him, eyes wide, about to be hysterical
>wtf home slice Jake?
>"I'm sorry sir, it's just...you know there's creams for that.."
>isthisniggaserious.webm
>dad starts to yell
>"please sir, keep your voice down."
>trying not to make a scene that would attract our actual manager, Mike
>daughter has her head down, looking like she's about to burst into tears
>"sir, if you don't calm down I'll have to ask you to leave"
>dad be like "what is your name? I'm calling corporate about this!"
>MUH nigga Jake like "it's Michael, sir"
>literally fucking genius
>dad gathers his fam and scrambles out the door mumbling
>me and homie G Jake fucking sigh in relief
>I say to homeboy Jake "okay dude, we can never get that high again at work"
>"yeah, fa sho."
>two weeks later Michael gets moved out of the store and from what I heard demoted.
>rumor was that he had gotten a few complaints from above his pay grade before and they chose to believe the dad
>fuck me
You want more stories niggaz?

Sorry nigga, don't got this shit all saved or anything. Have to actually type

>my \b\
>\b\
Kek

yes pls

This needs a screencap

Alright
So another really bad one.
>be me
>be a month later
>at work, new manager
>actually chill dude, doesn't really pay attention
>me and dawg Jake decide to play monopoly
>really easy game: when no one else I in the kitchen you pull out a one-hitter, hit that shit like a 747, and then see how much of a dish you can make before exhaling or in my case if I can take the hit, gather the treys and leave the kitchen while still holding
>got this new dank shit from dealer, Durban Poison
>played three rounds of monopoly with my main muhfucker Jake
>high af
Cont.

YESYESYES

Continue?

>get some retarded vegan butch Lezzie bitch that orders literally the only thing on the menu that fits her dumb diet
>brining her the food and her obv Lezzie gf their food, exhaling that sweet dank green right before I open the door
>drop their shit off
>"is there anything else I can get you? Refill maybe?"
>"uh, excuse me SIR, but this isn't what I ordered."
>I look down
>fucking rare ass steak on her plate
>"do I look like I eat fucking meat to you, sir?"
>why is this bitch giving me lip, killing my high?
>force a smile
>alright, my apologies, must have been a mistake" I'm so high I'm almost slurring my words. The rest of the bud hits me right then.
>whentheweedhitsyou.gif
>I'm on the fucking rings of Saturn, chilling on an asteroid looking at her steak
>"what did you order, ma'am?" I manage to ask, feeling my eyes rolling in what feels like different directions like a goddamn frog
>bitch sighs, spits out what she ordered again
Cont.

your greentexts are gold sir

>"my mistake, must have mixed it up, I'll bring you your plate"
>take the plate and head back to the kitchen
>homeboy Jake laughing like a fiend, as high as me
>fuck it, play monopoly again
>I don't realize five minutes pass
>pick up plate, walk out
>drop plate off at carpet diet table
>"is this some kind of sick fucking joke?!?!"
>bitch is fuming
>I look down from the heavens above I'm so fucking high
>it's the same fucking plate
Cont.
Trying to keep the thread living by doing shorter increments

Nice, lets keep this alive

this is a thread for the ages

Type as much as it lets you user well keep it bamped

Bump

Bumping for more stories because I fucking like this kid.

>other Lezzie kicks in, talking some dumb shit
>I can't help but laugh, try to play it like I'm laughing it off
>"I'm so sorry ma'am, completely my fault, we are just so busy right now and I must be getting my tables confused"
>Lezzie stares me down
>"you call this busy?"
>I look around to find this table and only one other, a few people at the bar
>fuck.jpeg
>Lezzie starts to get angry, raising her voice and spitting what I can only assume was half spit half pussy juice
>other Lezzie starts in
>"ma'am I am very very sorry, I will get your plate immediately so so sorry."
>take her plate and saunter off
>go back into kitchen, place plate on counter, see my homie Jake
>start talking shop about Lezzies, Tell him about the mixup
>avinagigglem8.gif
>"so dude, you got the vegan plate?"
>"uh, yeah," he says , talking a quick glance, "here ya go"
>hands me the plate
>walk out of the kitchen looking like a fuckin champ
>didn't realize almost ten minutes have passed and the dykes look pissed as shit
>place the plate on the table
>"ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME?!?"
>Lezzie stands up as she yells, the place goes quiet
>I look down
>fucking steak
Cont

Bump

Bumpin with some tiddies

More bump for stoner bro

More bumping
Gogogo!

This shit is gold

Bumping. This fucking green text is outstanding

Keep thread akickin

Looks like an offspring album cover

Bump

Boooomp

Bump

Bamp

...

bumparino

Bjormp

I be bumping

Until Annon bro returns we bump this thread with doggos

Pic related

Should i sell my leftover cwe apap/binders if so what as?
Pic related

>fuck shit damn
>bolt away to see the manager moseying out of the kitchen
>thinkfast.mov
>put my hand up to stop him
>"I got this, it's just a girlfriend argument, I'm getting them a complimentary appetizer"
>Tom (the manager) not wanting to deal with angry customers, just shrugs and walks back.
>go to bro Jake
>"game face bruh. Need you to play manager again. I'm thinking complimentary apps, Tom doesn't care"
>homie4lyfe Jake puts on game face, steps out of kitchen to talk to dykes
>mynigga.gif
>starts talking to Lezzies
>Lezzies start yelling and pointing at me
>promises to give them complimentary apps
>takes initiative, broseph Jake walks back to kitchen before they tell him what they want
>walks out with app
>Lezzies don't even care, makes some loud hissing/sighing noise that I can only assume is some lesbian mating call before storming off
>look at app
>nachos And cheese with beef
>shit, that might end in a call to corporate
>suddenly some dude stands up and yells to us
>"excuse me sir, but I've been waiting forty-five minutes for my steak"
>homedawg Jake and I bust out laughing, which is the best way to piss off a customer
>starts to huff
>"we'll get that for you right away, sir, and we'll comp it for the inconvenience"
>shit, can we even do that without manager approval? Like, real manager approval not homie Jake manager approval?
>fuck it, too late
>head to kitchen
>neither of us realize his plate is sitting at the carpet table
>come back from kitchen and place plate at his table
>the fucking vegan salad the Lezzie ordered
>motherfucker.mp3
>I turn to my nigga Jake as we both walk off, not noticing him trying to talk to us
>"dude, we can absolutely not get this high again, we're gonna get fired if we keep this up"
>homedawg Jake nods, aggrees
>dude found Tom, complained, and we got a slightly stern talking to, no other damage
More?

Be in china
In a place called Dali, a small town west China bordering Himalayas
Local ladies walk around selling hash to foreigners
Lady approaches us fuck yea hash
Takes us back to her place, some small little apartment that doubles as a apparel company
Offers us to try hash fuck.its good
We buy a huge chunk for.low. price
Tfw she basically sold.us dirt and grass
9/10 the place was still awesome despite this

Excellent Doggo sir

YES

does he have undiagnosed schizophrenia?

weed just makes me a little relaxed..maybe a bit dreamy

...

Moar

I'm interested.

i'm happy. thend

this shit is gold!
millions of kek's OP
even better that i'm high as balls rn

you sound like a pretty mean guy.

Bynp

>implying it isn't my \b\

One time I went to a concert, did MDMA, smoked, and drank.

On the drive home, my tags were expired by mere hours (it was the 1st of July, I believe). Got pulled over, ate the other two pills, which were very speedy I should mention, and had no weed on us.

Cop called a backup to search a bush like 30 feet from us to the left cause he said "I threw something in the bush". Obviously, he didn't find anything because it didn't exist, and the dogs found nothing either. Minor ticket issued.

Went back to my friends house and we smoked some weed and crashed. Good concert, too. I know it was Galactia and some Phish cover band, but I can't remember the cover bands' name, either though they are quite famous, at least locally.

Excuse me good sir, but I could perhaps interest you in this?

bumping with pics from my autism folder

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theres more?

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moar plox

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