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What crimes have you committed?

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failed to kill myself
that's a pretty big crime
maybe not legally, but in my mind.
only failures fail

alright FBI calm down

>What crimes
Yeah... I was kind of an unstable guy as a teenager, so...
Sexual molestation (probably a couple hundred counts)
Rape (one count)
Statutory rape (again, probably a couple hundred counts)
Theft (probably a dozen or so, most of which are from when I was a kid)
Assault and/or battery (again, probably a dozen or so)
Fraud (once).

Take your pick, I can greentext any of them.

Aggravated assault X2
Unlawful confinement
Bunch of other shit.
Stories shitty.

I helped a guy hide the body of a man that he stabbed.

Now this sounds good and believe-able. Please tell.

Rape

I want her to sit on my face.

Statutory Rape. Theft if its good.

I've tried this site and it really works!

bump

>be me
>be at a party
>bored, introverted, don't really want to be here, just trying to be nice and not make an ass of myself until my friends are ready to leave
>a cute girl I'd been flirting with earlier walks past me, I'm a bit drunk so I smack her ass.
>she giggles and keeps walking without incident
>looking around the room for a second when I see this tumblrina making a B-line for me across the room
>ohshit
>figure I'm about to get chewed out for "raping" that girl
>Tumblina reaches me, holds out a hand, smiling
>Introduces herself, says she's a friend of a friend, wants to talk
>she's actually pretty cool; smart, witty, a bit pretentious in that "oh i have so many secrets" kind of way, but she's friendly enough that it isn't annoying.
>Even pretty cute tbh, skinny, great tits, cute face, passable ass, bright red dyed hair, plus she has these huge beautiful eyes.
>we hit it off, spend most of the night talking and hanging out
>end up in a room upstairs taking turns playing mario on an old N64
>we get talking about gay rights and transgender people and shit
>I'm the one who actually brought it up, we were talking about family and I mentioned my sister is transgender.
>Tumblrina decides today is a good day to fit her stereotype, launches into this big rant about trans queer mono binary secondhand dominant 9 milimeter genderblend foxkin rights.
>I don't mind tbh, we're both buzzed and she has this really nice, smooth, lyrical voice that's nice to just listen to, even if I wish she'd change the subject.
>Tumblrina asks me about all the hardship my sister must have endured, what kind of support I offer her and activism I do on her behalf
>Tell her that no, my sister actually has it good: hot boyfriend, makes good money, lots of friends, our family and church accept her
>Tell tumblrina that neither my sister or I really do the activism thing, we're both pretty happy as we are

Any stories on the Statutory rape? Which according to Google is sex with a minor? If so what was the youngest and how old were you?

>Tumblrina loses her shit out of nowhere, saying that me and my sister are both transphobes, I'm a mysoginist (no this is not a joke, she actually called me a mysoginist, tho in her defense we were both a little buzzed)
>Tell her that no, chill out, my sister and I just kinda take a "live and let live" stance
>Tumblrina says oh, really, you're totally okay with trans girls then?
>Yeah, totally okay.
>Well then, you won't have a problem sleeping with me, she says.
>Fucking what?
>"She" pulls down "her" pants, she has a penis
>It's actually pretty nice looking, half hard already, Tumblrina is getting annoying but she's still pretty hot
>Tell her that yeah, sure, I'm down for some fun
>Tumblrina looks surprised, flustered, maybe a little excited
>I motion her to come stand by me
>She chickens out, says no
>Tells me I'm a biggot for fetishizing transgender people
>NIGGA WHAT
>I start getting really pissed now.
>Tell her she's full of shit.
>She shoves me
>Knocks me backwards into a pile of boxes and shit
>I get mad, rape happens.
>Lock the door and fuck her ass right there.
>One of the stupidest things I've ever done
>Surprisingly she never told anyone.

My little sister and I had a thing going for a few years. Technically speaking, every time we had sex, it was statutory rape and probably some kind of molestation too.

Started when I was 14 and she was 12.

>her
you raped a dude, user.

Yeah, but I'm bi and used to trannies, as my older sis is trans.

I bought some marijuana once. I'm a bad man.

Iraq, 2004-2005. We had Iraqi police on our FOB for a training Academy. One of my units troops was hanging around the little walled off area where they would sleep/hangout while not working. Got involved in a card game where bottles of liquor where the prizes. He was winning and getting drunk, then started loosing and getting angry. Ended up stabbing a dude in the throat and ending him. I helped him get the body to the berm surrounding the FOB and burying it there, because I didn't want him to be punished/sent to Leavenworth over a mistake.

Art theft. Not gonna greentxt bc phone is a bitch.
Went to the sawdust art festival.
Its all a bunch of "old money" fucktards that didn't do anything in life, so they became "artists".
All their "art" is cringeworthy & shittier but they shill it out for hundreds if not thousands of dollars.
Saw a stand where some richhippie made some african looking sculpture.
Looked pretty gud but the faggot wanted $800 usd for it.
Would be worth the $$ if it was an authentic african.
After i got done looking at it i left it on his counter and started to walk away.
My female friend approched the opposite side of the counter and startef chatting with hippie about some piece
Since he had his back turned & assumed i had left i took the african sculpture only about 14" tall and stuck it in my backpack.
Fuck rich hippie wannabe "artists".
Saw an art exibit there with work from K-12 students at blew all the richfags work out of the water.
Even talent from as low as 7th grade was better than most of the shit the hippies were selling.

>be me
>be now
>be EMT
>secretly kill an OD patient when I feel like it.
>it's a fucking rush.
>can't stop
>won't stop

nigga this ain't dexter.

There are so many things wrong with this. Statement.

A few dozen counts of sexual assault, one of rape. A couple aggravated assault. Never been caught for any of it.

Okay

Misd. Maintaining a dwelling (convicted)
Misd. Child Abuse (convicted)
Manufacturer of Marijuana With intent to sell, deliver or distribute (charged)
Possession of MJ with ISDD (charged)
Felony Maintaining a Dwelling (charged)
One other felony weed charge with all those, can't remember specifically but it was 5.total.

Child abuse was bullshit, said I left a gun where my kid could get to it, when that didn't stick, they change the story to the grow lights could have set fire to everything.

I download movies and music without paying

killed 6 flamingos in stanely park
b&e's
some other stuff

i fucking hate chileans

none since i'm not a lazy nigger or degenerate taco-bender

Thats not rape your just gay

I ran a red light.

I didn't know this was a 'stuff that never happened' thread

Speeding, racing, out running the cops, drugs selling/doing, rape, there's an argument for murder yet I didn't directly kill, blackmail, extortion, theft, falsification of legal documents, making explosivesure and other controlled substances.

Okay, assuming you're just confused by the admittedly fucked sentence structure, let me break it down.
I am bisexual.
I am accustomed to transexuals.
My older sister decided to be a man one day.
If you're just annoyed at me for tolerating something on Sup Forums, then go back to tumblr, this isn't your safe space.

I rob a few restaurants and i was in several football firms fights.

Oh yeah, I forgot hitting people is illegal, assault/ battery with a deadly weapon. Pointed a gun at someone point blank but that was self-defence.

Fucking scumbag.

fag.

stole 1500 dollars while I was working as a shift manager at 21 from burger king. worth it. never got caught.

stole a high end laptop from a public library and sold it for 3000 dollars.

...

>be me
>be a paramedic
>back of the ambulance, blue lights & sirens
>if it's female, unconscious and hot, chances are I'm fingering it at least.

Shit. I've committed allot of crimes. Stole 6 laptops from school.

not giving sauce on that ass is a crime.

I was statutory raped
>go to another state
>vacation
>stay with my dads highschool friend
>they have a daughter
>shes like 21 im like 14
>chubby, homeschooled, kinda awkward
>i dont mind, shes nice and kinda cute
>she and i bond, i get her number
>6 months later
>she comes up to my area
>has family near where i live
>we go hiking out in the wilderness
>december so its actually snowing
>finish hiking and fool around
>get to play with her massive tits
Moral of the story is that sometimes statutory rape is alright

Now for my dindu list

Possession/Trafficking of weed, cocaine, mushrooms, meth, LSD, ecstasy, various pharms.
Possession of stolen goods
Possession of stolen firearms
Transfer of Firearm to felon
Defacing a firearm serial number
Manufacturing full auto weapons
Possession of unregistered NFA items
Possession of a destructive device
Assault with a deadly weapon
Assault with intent to kill or inflict serious injury
Simple Assault
Kidnapping/Unlawful restrain
Burglary with larceny after the fact
Extortion
Fleeing to allude (I wasn't driving)
Smuggling contraband into a secure facility (After I got out, I kept bring my cellmates cigs pills and weed)
Speeding,running red lights/stops signs, reckless endanger, street racing (Just red light takeoffs, not the real shit)
Underage drinking
Contributing to the delinquency of a minor
probably some other petty shit I can't think of right now.

Muh fantasy.

I make moonshine.
I now about a sexual assault on a miner and apparently not reporting it is a crime here.
I use to drive the merchandise for a pot farm.
I carry without a permit.

Forgot to stamp a letter

I once got a speeding ticket.

I'm fucking hard-core m8. Don't fuck with this shit.

You Sir need to spend a bit of time Englishing and spelling. Its a worthwhile study.

Theft? A couple of times.After a while I got bored and started convincing others to steal.Just for fun.I was pretty good at it, I would come up with a plan, and make classmates steal.

fgt 90% of that shit is normal

Sauce on that ass??

Roberta Paulson

DUI then got caught driving on a suspended license a few times... had to do 7 days in LA County jail

Jocyln stone

Assualt
Grand theft auto
Smuggling
Breaking and entering

Just drug stuff in the past like Possession of Psilocybin Mushrooms and Marihuana

Is making someone unintentionally kill themselves considered a crime?

got more of this set?

I stole a Flintstones push pop when I was 6 and ate it with a cop in the same convenient store. Still crazy to think I got away with it.

>underage drinking
Why would you put that in there, everyone is fairly drunk by 15

Um ok

>15
>skipping school
>stole car and scooter
>never caught

kekked so hard
she deserved it, got any pics of her?

well thats a fucking way to spend a skip day

>12
>at school
>gotta leak
>go to the bathroom
>pissing, gets bored
>starts pissing all over
>mfw the principal losses her shit
>never get caught
>crimerider

Tell us about them.

>me and friend where walking down my street robbing cars
>guy yells at girlfriend to hurry the fuck up
>whole group
>say watch your fucking language
>starts yelling and being a dick
>whole group steps up
>be beta and walk off
>moving in a few days
>wake up at five
>tell my mom I'm going to watch the sunrise
>pop the assholes tires
>watch sunrise
>go home
>move the next day
>fucker cant find me since he was a tourist and I now live half way across the country

better than tinder! plenty of horny single moms of your city on dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/t5dvcdgvh5u7ny0/changalz.html

arson
receiving
TDA
common assault

btw done most of this stuff from this shit list and I never been caught
you must be nig nog,
american fgts, you use nig nog too for niggers, yes?

i didnt catch shit of your story dude

check out my wikia!

jewsdid911.wikia.com/

I once drove, without putting on my seat belt...

Mom did a lot of drugs and drank a lot when I was a kid. Years of neglect + stress from working to keep my family supported meant that in my late teens, I gave exactly ZERO fucks about anyone except my sisters.

Mom was the hot club bunny type, so sometimes when she'd stumble home drunk and high, I'd have some fun (there's the molestation). Ended up raping her once when the bitch actually got high in our own house (she was usually smart enough to keep the drugs out of the house).

The assault was just from a couple dozen fights over the years.

Greentexted the whole deal a few months back if you're interested.

Used to steal CDs to order in the early 90s. Made quite good money for a young teen and spent most of it on weed and junk food. Good times. Never got caught either.

better than tinder! plenty of horny milfs of your city on dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/t5dvcdgvh5u7ny0/changalz.html

Vandalism
Theft
Assault
Shop lifting
Underage Drinking

white boi fucktard, and yes i say nig nog too

I was too afraid to do this in case someone walked into the toilets.

broke into the national theatre

>drink a ton of rum, vodka, gin and bourbon
>smoke a shitton of spliffs
>mind you, this is czech republic, you can smoke anywhere and nobody gives a shit as long as you dont bother them
>speak for an hour with a friend from our group, get pissed at him, leave the bar
>leave my wallet with all my ID's there
>short blackout
>suddenly, I find myself chilling on the scaffolding on the back side of the theatre, smoking a ciggie, enjoying sunrise
>goodtimes.jpg
>i'd like to have another cig, but that was the last one
>justfuckmyshitup.gif
>notice that I'm sitting just in front of the room where stagehands chill
>know that because I know the dude sleeping there, from a nearby bar where we all like to go
>figure he might have a ciggy
>knock on the window
>no reply
>fuck it
>knock on the window with my feet, smash it into pieces, glass everywhere
>leap in
>the dude wakes up real fast: "what the actual fuck man?"
>"man i just want a ciggy, got one?"
>rest of that part is kinda blurry in memory
>but i guess i got that ciggy
>next thing i know is i'm chilling in the theater's smokers lounge smoking my ciggy
>two badass lookin motherfucker cops come and take my ciggy
>"not cool, man, what the fuck?"
>"ID, sir."
>"ain't got any, left it at the bar"
>"what bar?"
>"dunno, got too stoned"
>"come with us sir"

cont?

a weird mutant bug just flew into my room and i gotta kill it, else I can't chill

Crimes besides speeding & dui?
>smoke weed
>save seeds
>build extensive hydro setup
>grow weed better than what the seeds came from
>sell weed
>best friend at party without me
>has my dro for sale
>raid
>hear about raid quickly
>grab cash go to jail to bail
>bail gets set, he calls me
>I'm like "I'm already here to get you out bro
>we leave, pick up weed hoe go back to my place
>tag team 17 year old all night, I'm 30
>drop her at home next day, her mom mad
>sweet talk milf, setup date for 2 hours later
>fucked milf without taking a shower after fucking her daughter
>Smoked weed

Wow what a win, must have been fun.

Got the greentext still?

Vandalism
ShopLifting
Underage Drinking

when I was younger and took taekwondo, I was extremely obsessed with getting a higher belt status. So I would literally steal the belt that is right above mine, I would then mount it on my wall and use it as a motivational tactic to actually earn that belt.

So not too bad, but I still feel fucked for doing it.

Enjoy.

I injected one marijuana...with no milk!

How'd you get away with that shit?

another dude at my school took a dump on the floor once
no one found out who it was.
one day there was just a poop standing on the floor, and i mean fucking standing, that sucker was vertical, funny as shit :^)

Interested. Continue

I'm probably goint to be sexualy frustrated after reading this, and wan't to do some molesting if my own, but thanks.

wtf?

Meant to say of* my own.

FBI pls leave

By the way why did you used to get into fights? Where those issues related?

Yes, because that's totally what he was worried about.

commited a armed robbery, partner stabbed the guy 6 times. wasn't the plan

i can keep calm now