I'm tired as hell and upset, feels thread

I'm tired as hell and upset, feels thread

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Pic speaks for itself

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Pretty much how all of us feel Sup Forumsrother

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Thread Theme:
youtube.com/watch?v=xEh62W_UVo8

Also, this

sonder
n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

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I've got a story, not a very good one but here it is
>age 10 grade 5
>picked on quite a bit as a kid even before age 10, just wasn't as bad
>been to 3 elementary schools because of bullying
>got stuff thrown at me
>called every name in the book
>ugly, pig, old, mole ear, beaver, and more
>kids attempted to follow me home a couple times
>tried to throw my backpack in the creek
>shrugged it off the best i could with my one or two friends who were actually my own age even though I was miserable

>age 11 grade 6
>fastest kid in my grade
>man I could run
>probably why I wasn't picked on worse
>bullying got worse
>school got new teacher
>I ended up in her class
>she was a huge BITCH and I mean BITCH
>very obviously hated me
>helped bullies by getting me in trouble for no reason
>detention every day
>whole class hated me
>she moved me around the room many times because there was a problem wherever my seat was
>straight up told me I was the problem, I was in tears
>put me at bad kids table
>I was seated next to the worst of my bullies
>found out that I had adhd
>shit got better with the teacher for maybe a week
>then it just got even worse than before
>my parents were called for little to no reason constantly
>almost always yelled at when I got home
>suicidal
>would go home every day and instantly go to my closet, get a noose and see if I had the guts to end my life
>taken back and forth to the psychiatrist
>best friend abandoned me for popular fags

>One day I had an especially bad day at school then got screamed at when I came home, I don't remember why
>crying hysterically I bolted in my room, slammed the door, threw myself on the bed and just cried more
>20 minutes later I remembered something
>I had recently learned what self harm was
>eyes glanced to pair of medical scissors on bookshelf
>got up, grabbed them, and sat down on my bed again
>I started scratching my skin, not quite enough to draw blood but enough to make a mark
>I started cutting at 11 years old
>I felt better, did this every day
>age 12 grade 7
>adhd medication doses just kept getting larger
>taking 42 m when I was only a child, a small one at that
>slowly turned into a zombie
>cuts got deeper, drew blood
>bullying didn't let up
>but I did get more friends, we were the outcasts, nerds, dorks, goths, and emos
>what we had in common was that people hated us
>treated like I was some sort of disease
>I was treated so bad that when my phone was stolen when a kind soul got it back from his friends and gave it back to me I cried tears of happiness
>I couldn't believe it, someone treated me like a person, I cried and I cried hard, made my entire week
>got into roller derby
>I was FANTASTIC at it, holy shit Sup Forumsros, I fucking SHINED
>and I just got better and better, stronger and stronger
Age 13 grade 8
>roller derby made me somewhat aggressive seeing that I could actually defend myself now

>slammed a kid into a locker once, because he was in my way
>my poor bf at the time's eyes widened and just continued walking with me
>speaking of that ex he was absolutely insane
>emo fag who upstaged all my problems
>each time I would say anything he would follow up with "uhh well I was raped so that doesn't really compare"
>wtfstop.jpg
>he stabbed his hand with a pencil in the middle of fucking class and drank the blood
>10x more aggressive than I ever was, though he could be a massive pussy half the time
>he never hit me but he talked about gore so much he frankly terrified me
>stayed two extra months unhappy because I knew he would freak out
>when I did end it and started to walk away, he grabbed my arm and looked in my eyes and said "no! Please don't break up with me!"
>the fuck, no it's over
>heard he cried all lunch
>kids started being able to run faster than i could

>"just give up user, you're weak"
>I was dumb enough to actually give up
>parents found out I was cutting myself
>dragged me to the psychiatrist office
>asked me how long I had been doing it
>I said since 6th grade
>"two years???" My father said
>mfw I still remember the look on this face and the tears in his eyes
>my mom was really nothing but pissed
>never taken back for the same reason
Age 14 grade 9
>bullying let up a tiny bit
>though I was about ready to give up
>still cutting daily, cuts got deeper
>ripped apart my skin at one point because I wanted to feel something, even if it was pain
>got friends who were like me
>a little happier, even befriended a druggie who made some questionable decisions because I literally had no judgement for others
>got gf
>at first it was great
>took me to her group
>she then avoided me, cheated on me, almost got fucking pregnant (I'm a chick....)
>I just kept coming back because I loved her
>she eventually dumped me
>tried to hang out with her so much then I went back to my friends and they weren't there anymore

>heart broke
>developed anorexia
>I slowly wasted away and nobody said shit
>I was alone in my former group
>no one ever talked to me
>reached 95 pounds and no one said anything but the girls crowding me in the PE locker room asking me for my secret to being thin
>i'd just giggle and say "I don't know, I love food"
>lie, I became too good at lying for my own good
>reached 85 pounds
>My roller derby skills lagged like hell
>figured out that they wouldn't put me on the travel team because I was too small
>a hazard on the track they said, that if I was in a real match, I could potentially die
>my heart sunk to my stomach
>skip to summer
>83.8 pounds
>would collapse sometimes
>vision would fade then maybe 15 seconds later my legs would give out from under me
>and I couldn't move or see the most fucked up part was that I was completely conscious
>I still remember the way my heart would beat like a frightened rabbit well I lied there on the floor praying my mother wouldn't find me there
>my mother found out I was taking her diet pills

>screamed at me
>stripped my room
>threw away everything even loosely associated with my disorder
>even diary entries and shit
>grounded
>all my dad did was cry
>he said we should get strong together since he was an alcoholic, though what he was talking about never happened
>age 15 grade 10
>cut off all my hair
>faked my friendly personality
>even lifted weights to get my mom off my back
>tomboys don't get eating disorders right?
>actually got pretty popular
>bullying almost stopped
>no one knew I was still starving myself
>exploring myself sexually
>sent nudes to random chick on kik i met on omegle
>she didn't send anything back
>she just blackmailed me for more and more
>and if I didn't do exactly what she wanted she would post my pics to the internet
>was actually dumb enough to send more
>hours later she wanted to skype me
>sent me instructions through kik
>to stop the torture even just for a minute I said I was a singer and could sing to her
>and I was, I recently got a solo in choir and sung that to her
>she said "wow

>figured it's not healthy to deny shit
>tried to fix it on my own
>big mistake
>panic attacks every week, sometimes every day or even more than once a day
>had panic attacks in the middle of class, had to go to the nurses office, fucking embarrassing
>I knew damn well I was broken so on the outside I smiled but on the inside I frantically tried to put myself back together
>age 17 grade 12
>I had failed at fixing myself
>I had just given up, starting being a cunt to cover up that I wasn't whole
>still suicidal
>I'm 18 now and graduated highschool, jesus fuck, what the hell am I going to do with myself? My will to live is honestly completely dependent on my boyfriend (the guy I mentioned)

stop, we dont care

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r00d
keep going

Continue.

That's it Sup Forumsro
Dont know why i didnt go out of greentext, just shows how long ive been up

Ah okay.
Tits?

And my bf isn't texting me now it's been a day, not sure if being paranoid or not, because he doesnt trust me, it's not me, he just has trust issues, it's torn us apart before, and I'm always petrified that he'll walk away again

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yeah nah dw, texting relies on phones and shit, which can break, also othewr stuff, like radiowaves and towers and shit being munted
wait a week before getting worried

But he changed his kik username during that time

oh, well still dont worry just yet, the world is complex, many things can go wrong, dont act hastily and make a mistake, life isnt a vidya game you cant load your last save

youtube.com/watch?v=Mov5SYDzEFc

I'm not going to act hastily, i'm just going to worry, because that's just what I do to be honest, honestly feels like I can't breathe, he has no idea how much I emotionally depend on him

>Be 19
>Go to Finalists Trip in Salou, Spain with a group of friends.
>My mom insists on coming with me, because she “doesn’t trust us teenagers”.
>Everything goes well, until it came the time to board the bus.
>I have anxiety problems and as I was kind of nervous, I need to take a piss. I went to take a piss, but even though I had the need, I couldn’t do it.
>This was one of the worst decisions of my life.
>When I’m coming back to board the bus, two stoners, which I happened to be good friends of mine (they weren’t going on the trip), yell at me: “Go, user! Get wasted as fuck! Try not to get AIDS!”
>I enter the bus.
>I look at the window. See my mother, who for some reason was still there. She probably heard the stoners, because she looked at me like it was the last time she would never see me again.
Pic related was my Mom’s Face.
>After almost 3 hours, the bus makes the first stop, but I still can’t pee.
>3 hours later, at almost 3:00 AM, we make the second stop on a gas station near Madrid.
>Women invade the local bathroom, so me and good friend of mine, go and piss in the back of the gas station. There was a huge yard with some bushes in there.
>We both go and try to pee on a hill in that yard that had a bush near the top of the hill.
>My friend manages to pee and then and goes back to the bus and it’s my turn, I put my cock out and start to trying peeing into the bush.
>When I’m almost peeing, a guy literally comes out of the bush I was peeing into.
>He comes out, makes eye contact with me and then simply says “Sup”.
>I got so bladder shy I couldn’t piss until we reached the last stop, 10 hours later.
Cont?

oh ok

Cont

Continue user

I'll probably make a thread dedicated to this story, its pretty huge, like Elisa Story Huge, I'll pretype it and then I'll do it.

Post thread ID here.