How would Sup Forums fend off a chimpanzee attack?

How would Sup Forums fend off a chimpanzee attack?

Put on my black lives matter t-shirt to show im friendly

With no weapons?

Chances are I die. Maybe I could gouge an eye and escape...

With my two trained chimpanzee bodyguards.

very, very poorly

I'd fuck the chimpanzee in the ass to assert dominance.

I wouldn't. Don't want to make Chimprambe.

You have your bare hands or anything lying around at your desk at your disposal

Why, is Baltimore rioting again?

I'd make him fall in love with me. He'd still hit me occasionally but it would give him some hard feels.

"The only way to beat a chimpanzee is to break his heart" - Steve Irwin, Alligator Dundee.

Put on my white hood and heil

Same way George Zimmerman did.

this

shoot it

Start using my feces as projectile weapons

I would yell "calm down mr. president!"

I'd throw it a bucket of fried chicken and an Arizona watermelon to calm it down

top zozzle

>How would Sup Forums fend off a chimpanzee attack?

You wouldn't. A chimpanzee would literally rip your face off.

And Genitalia

itt
edgy racism

With a fist full of job applications and child support documents.

I go to work

Stop it, Uncle Caleb. Your drunk, it's Thanksgiving and you're making everyone at the table uncomfortable.

And yo titties

Itt guy who thinks its edgy to call people edgy on a site known for being edgy

bucket of kfc

>Racism
>Edgy
>Not the way niggers act

Zinged him good, user. Gave him the old switcheroo-back-atchu. Classic!

In weight managment camp they called me the Comeback Kid

>Calvinism
>Pointy
>Not the way hummingbirds act

Try to shove my hand down it's throat, if successful, proceed to bite it's jugular.

This is the general strategy for surviving an attack from most large dangerous animals. It is how a man once killed a grizzly bear.

>Autism
>Circular
>Not the way cobblers act

>Inform chimpanzees they're acting like blacks.
>Chimpanzees slink away in shame.

Jokes on them i am master of gorilla warfare

>Marxism
>Bendy
>Not the way elephants act

>Instrumentalism
>Triangular
>Not the way teachers act

hahahah this for sure, at least it will only bite your arm and not eat your face

>Metabolism
>Rigid
>Not the way nuns act

>Nihilism
>Varnished
>Not the way Chinamen act

Present your asshole and hope it hasn't ripped your arms off yet.

what am i looking at

Easy. I call a white police officer, and he beats the niggers down and puts them back in the nigger petting zoo we call jail.

>Niggerism
>Racy
>Not the way edges act

Harambe will protect us.

>Reductionism
>Rounded corners
>Not the way vacuum cleaners act

do we see it coming (a la sanctioned fights, where the two fighters approach each other) or is it a surprise attack? where are we? are there any obstacles or terrain we have to consider?
>if i see him coming, i'll pop off as many rounds out of my 9mm or shotgun as possible
>if i get jumped, i'm at the very least leaving the fight dismembered if not dead
i'd sooner fight 5 people at once than a single ape.

/thread

A true artist's work.

Oh yea you see it coming. You have 10 seconds to prepare before it makes it's first move

Pick it up and repeatedly slam that fucker on the ground.

Then after that, suplex a mini-van and run a marathon with the Big Show on your back.

I CHARGE THE BEAST!!!

IT IS FIERCE AND BRUTAL, BUT I... I WILL BE WORSE

SMITE AND CLEAVE TILL IT IS DONE!!!

SMITE AND CLEAVE!!!

>Complexism
>Zero positives
>Not the way entropy acts

that should be enough time to tag it a few times. their average top speed is about 35 feet per second, so a 100 yard advantage would allow me to fire off a few rounds from my sidearm and if it keeps coming i can grab my 12 gauge

I start running from it.

I don't know how fast chimps are on their feet. but I fucking guarentee you 75% of humans could outdistance them. If I see if coming enough to have a few second headstart, I'm betting I could outrun them.

If that's true I'd just run. I can run about 16-18 mph on a sprint, we'll round up to twenty because of adrenaline, and with a ten second head start I'm betting I'd be able to wear him down. Most primates are terrible distance runners, I doubt they'd be able to keep up their 25 mph top speed for long.

You can't outrun a chimpanzee, they can sprint at 40 mph and jump more than 40 feet in one leap