Please state the nature of the medical emergency

Please state the nature of the medical emergency.

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Im having a gout attack in my right big toe

GOD DAMMIT MR. PARIS.
YOU LEFT THE HOLOGRAM ON AGAIN
NOW ITS BITCHING
TURN IT OFF

I'm all out of cum doc.

Hardly an emergency. Just stay off of it for a few days.

Are you feeling okay, captain?

I suggest you drink more water.

AIDS

500 cc's of covaxellene, and be more careful in the future.

Doctor. It is after hours, you program is not allowed to be run after 10pm without exact medical emergencies. You are wasting energy, if you do not comply i will promote kes as senior medical officer and delete your program

He broke his little ships

i try to masterbate but i don't have enoug to one and when i cum it isn't whole and my masterbate is fire

all me joints dislocate all the time...

Kes has been off-ship for 2 years, captain. Besides, you said I could run as long as I was actually working, and I am.

Commander Chakotay's going to be upset about that.

As with the other crewman, you should drink more water. If it's burning, you have another problem.

As i've told you time and time again, Mr. Paris, using the holoemitters to cloak your self as the emergency medial program, is not going court any females.
Please reset the holoemitters

....

No.

MR PARIS JUST GOT BURNED
OOOH SNAP

i hab cancur b0ss

I was just watching this.... B is Freaky tonight

Oh yeah? Well, at least I didn't get...

>ASSIMILATED!

captain...

I require clearance to mate with a couple ayy's

HALp, OP is a faggot.

Just do what I did: in secret.

Gentlemen, perhaps you would prefer a satisfying entree to petty bickering?

I thought we got rid of you...

Oh man! Stargate, my favourite show!

...

I have sharpie in pooper.

...

And why did you do this?

So Doc, I have a few tribbles crammed down the front of my uniform pants, I'm really enjoying the feel of it but the chafing is becoming a bit troublesome...suggestions?

Well, just got carried away. An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm. Boy, is my face (and my ass) red.

I remember you. Get outta here with your freakishly enlarged testicles.

Next time, I'd recommend you use the Holodeck when you're suffering from....Pon Farr.

I recommend a different color sharpie to keep your ass from being red.

Nope...this time it's really tribbles, caught them myself

You'll need to talk to Mr. Tuvok. We need them off-ship before they reproduce.

Tuvok is going through pon farr and is trying to rape us all!

Well maybe, but i plan to keep the 2 I have running laps around my space-johnson.

call me a faggot and call the mods, I'm dropping some cp tonight

Oh yeah, Tribbles Go is my favorite game.

how about fucking up a different thread

Ass is bleeding.

Why are you people going to this inept isomorphic projection with your problems. he can't do anything. he can't even leave his room with out a convenient plot device. what you need is a hologram with a few more pips on his lapel!

...

As captain of this ship, I can't allow that. To the cargo bay, Ensign.

Bring it on I love cheese pizza.

Sorry Captain but I just can't do that

14189538854

got dick stuck in ceiling fan

Oh, but you're GOING to do that.

Fuck no! Wrong Pic!

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.gif

no shit...

Tupac's hologram wasn't available.

I can't into dubs

Oh ho ho...I don't think I will....

Neelix, this is neither the first nor last time this will happen. I'm pretty sure you know how to take care of it on your own by now.

Stop getting your alien ass spores all over the holodoctor, you faggot.

Why don't you come with me?

Niggers are an emergency.
i.4cdn.org/b/1472867841066.jpg

Well I was trying to put together this couch from Ikea. I think built it right but a snapping turtle bit my dick. I tried to get him off but he won't move. What do I do doc???

How about NO

HELP MY PENIS IS STUCK UP MY ASS

>SUPPRESSIVE FIRE!

So, I have an activated, fully charged phaser lodged in my rectum (business end facing out)...I thought it would be pretty funny to fart lasers for a while, and it was. The problem is that it's stuck and I can't so much as cough without burning a hole in whatever happens to be behind me.

It's the 24th century citizen. Shouldn't you be hating the stupid vicious klingons or conspiring vulcans?

arrrggghhhh...just kidding I've spent the last 2 hours draining all the phaser power cells...try again

I overheard from your combadge. That sounds more like an engineering problem. Come down to Engineering, and try not to fart on your way here.

I too am having an engineering problem. Intermitant rigidity in an appendage. Maybe you can help?

That's not how it works. You more likely ingested some of Seven's nanoprobes.

On my way, fair warning I had ALOT of beans for lunch today in preparation for this.

Great, make my job easier.

Well if by nanoprobes you mean...ah on second thought, yeah that was it, nanowhatever's...take me away

Good, into Cargo Bay 1 to remove those...things.

Hey wait a sec...wanna give them a spin?

Of course not...

Made it without a toot to spare

>What will I tell the captain?

Ok so here's a question...these 2 fellas are the nes I have on me, and you can have them. What of the other 200-300 still hanging out in my quarters?

That it really is as fun as it looks.

Wait, was that nanophobia? In this day and age? For shame, we attack helicopters don't take kindly to such bigotry.

Sorry, I got mixed up, I meant tribblephobia.

Where is Captain Proton. Now that Queen Arachnia and I have joined forces you shall feel the wrath of my Death Ray!!!

Is no one going to help me get my dick out of my ass?

Hungover :-(

I slapped myself in the balls

As you wish. If your unfounded fear of nanoprobes has overcome you we will continue this exercise another time.

god i hate klingons all they do is threten people

I....uh...it got stuck. Like, way WAAAAAY up there and I can't get it out. I've tried pliers, a coat hanger, some steak knives, a crowbar, and a smal laotian kids hand and it's just not working. If i try REALLY hard and i JUST feel the end of it with my finger tips. It's been like 4 days.

I recommend asparagus. That should produce enough pressure to expel the obstruction.

kill it with fire god i hate that guy can't belive tthey kept him for so long

It's how the say hi. Knife fights are directly translatable to handshakes as well.

You misread my post. I'm against the unfair discrimination of technological constructs.

anybody wanna jam?

Doc, I need to seek treatment for my apparent tribble addiction.

your attempt to regain my attention is futile. you feelings are irrelevant> Now, if you will excuse me, I will consulting Tuvoc with this matter. I understand Vulcan physiology to be...superior, to humans. Particularly those with heightened melatonin.

I am open to concept of fruit based preserves.

how about we take care of those wrinkles first?

Pinched C6 nerve root. Please advise.

bitches love dudes who play the enaran

m-m-may I watch?

Started with gastroperesis(stomach paralisis). Then did a upper GI to check acid reflux, found hiatal hernia. Then got 3 inguinal hernias. After colonoscopy found I had Megacolon. The colon is 3 times+ the normal diameter, for it's entire length. Around 7 inches in diameter. So its fuckin huge, and I never shit. And it got so big it pushed out hernias. The cause is unknown, most likely somehow neurological. Extremely rare. Have the best GI in the country. (he's the editor and chief of American Gastroenterology). Do tests like 3 times a week. At this point looks like gotta remove colon, and shit in a bag,(colostomy bag), or do some sort of makeshift colon with my small intestine, if rectum is still fine, after I do a anorectal mamotry next week.

Age 24, in very good shape, no diabetes or any other known conditions.