Me

Me

Other urls found in this thread:

youtube.com/user/DodgerFanWeekly/videos
twitter.com/SFWRedditVideos

Things you've fucked thread:

Jelly toy
Potato
Banana peel
Studded lizard plush toy
Couch
hand
condom
bottle of coconut oil
glass cylinder
actual vagina
deep throat fuck toy

probably much more.

>condom

You fucking devilish savage you

does it count if you have whiskey dick and only get a part of it in?

Here's the greatest piece of writing ever about jerking off.

thelexdiaries.blogspot.com/2016/05/failure-diaries-being-horny.html

In that scenario I usually resort to slapping the bitches clit with my flaccid weiner

...

dumb fred poster

>thelexdiaries.blogspot.com/2016/05/failure-diaries-being-horny.html

...

...

do I lose wizard status?

Do whatever you want but it's hilarious.

>But in my mind every night, I’d play out these rich, three-act cinematic masterpieces in which the girls would fight over who I liked more, and they’d paint each other’s toenails or TRY ON LITTLE OUTFITS for me. And I’d sometimes bust out the General uniform to have them line up in formation as I went down the line critiquing their beauty and deciding who had the prettiest face, eyes, lips, tits, etc.

>There were sexier parts, but oddly as a consummate burgeoning cinephile, I was more interested in the long-form character arcs of whether imaginary April would or wouldn’t do some light lesbianism with Courtney, who was subtly based on Courtney Cox, or if Teri was going to spread her wings and leave the mansion to backpack around Europe. Stupid shit like that. Especially since I basically had NO IDEA what sex even looked like. I seem to remember thinking a vagina was like a huge round hole, which is why I once tried to replicate the Great Unknown by fucking my tae kwon do glove, and Rodney had had some standup line about fooling his neighbors that he was getting laid by “doing push-ups in the window.” So I took this literally and thought you hovered over a naked woman and did pushups into this wide mystery area. This is probably where an anal obsession was born, since I had no fucking clue what a vag was like but had a running start on what an asshole was.

>I hadn’t actually figured out stroking off at this point, but I was just consumed with seeing tits and especially bush – I must have been carrying around a Dark Star beach ball-sized sac of wad before I finally started wet-dreaming from all this hotness kicking around my head. I remember being horny ALL the fucking time. I remember going to some zoo on a family vacation and blatantly walking around with a massive boner I couldn’t keep down while ‘Sweet Freedom” played on the P.A. Now I have full blown E.D.

>I think the first time I realized what jacking off was, I accidentally scraped my sweatpants around my knob and figured it out, and blasted off a round of Flubber I had no idea was coming. I of course spent one hour that night praying for forgiveness and promising God he could send me to burn in the pits of Hell if I ever did that, whatever that was, again. Also worth noting, in 2016, high schoolers and younger are eminently enlightened authorities on gender and sexuality, we live in a no-judgment culture where kids come out of the closet and everyone basically respects everyone’s identity, orientation, fetishes, lustings and longings and Hailee Steinfeld has a song about playing with herself.. But in like 1986, forget coming out or being trans – you would get bullied like a motherfucker just for whacking off. NOBODY would admit to this, even though everyone surely was, and some dumbass named Kern cut class to go in the woods to jerk his dick one time, and the kid got brutalized and mocked so bad, his parents had to put him in a different school. He never lived it down. I remember two bullies getting in my face with the intensity of Harvey Keitel and Chris Penn one day, fuming and fists clenched, demanding that I swear I’ve never beat off or they would murder me. Like I said, it was a joyous era.

>he can't afford an iPhone

I'll allow you to keep your staff friend

I can afford to buy an iphone factory and I still wouldn't buy that overpriced trash you fucking fourteen year old Sup Forumsermin.

>I can afford to buy an iphone factory

Sure kid.
Nothing personell.

Believe what you like, ifaggot. The point still remains.

>actual vagina

Fucking disgusting.
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODS

This is what I like to do: take some jumbo bubble wrap (I ship a lot of shit so I always have some around) and roll it up - then roll a comforter around that. Then I squirt a bit of lotion or lube into the middle (feels best if you fold the bubble wrap outside in so you get two walls of bubble). Use a belt to tighten the rolls and then stack it on some pillows, put on some POV doggy vids and go to town. Cum, disassemble and clean up.

Optional: after cumming think about what my life has come to.

I should probably just buy a real toy but at least since it's just household shit it's not too conspicuous.

Hand
Fleshlight
Ziplock bag full of chicken breasts that I microwaved for too long and burned my penis
Ham and cheese Hot pocket, ditto
A wide mouth 3 liter when I was like six
A hole in my bed
My grandma after she got dementia
A Hulk hand
A Dave and Buster's glass full of tartar sauce
Assorted melons
Some vaginas
Some buttholes

and that concludes things you've fucked thread

>My grandma after she got dementia
WHAT THE FUCK

>My grandma after she got dementia
>A Hulk hand
>A Dave and Buster's glass full of tartar sauce
>Assorted melons

...

>Sup Forums trying to push the fred meme

This guy fucks.

...

>me on the bottom

Pretty sure it's just one autist

>le it's just one person meme

Isn't he standing up and fucking the pie in the movie?

I don't remember him on the counter.

after he gets caught.

There are three versions of that scene, they filmed it a few different ways for airing on TV and stuff.

He's definitely on the counter. It's one of the most iconic shots in cinema history. Speaking of American Pie I remember in the 3rd one there were a couple of scenes implying pretty hard that Kevin was gay. Did he come out in any subsequent films?

I've watched it so many times and I don't recall the counter part at all. They probably edited it out in Australia.

This has recently changed my life in this area. Sup Forums I give you Dodger Fan Weekly. Enjoy.
youtube.com/user/DodgerFanWeekly/videos

Oh is it you? Don't worry I'm sure somebody laughs at your terrible meme.

hi r/Sup Forums

>My grandma after she got dementia
story time fakkit

He became a stay at home dad.

Seemed like they were playing the closeted angle pretty hard in the 3rd one. Must have backtracked because they didn't want a fag main character.

WORST MEME 2O16

But OP's pic is image.png, not .jpg

For the record - does it actually feel like warm apple pie?

i wouldn't know

> a banana peel
> a clear plastic bag filled with olive oil
> a tv remote
> a cucumber that I hollowed out then sliced through half of
> several silicon/rubber squeeze toys that I poked a hole into
> a pringles can with a latex glove stretched around it
> a gatorade bottle
> two sponges with a latex glove wrapped around them
> a body pillow
> the space between my mattress and bed frame (didn't go so well when I decided to hold the top of the mattress for support)
> a vibrating toothbrush
> a vibrating toothbrush with the brush removed and replaced with a lego technic piece

>the space between my mattress and bed frame (didn't go so well when I decided to hold the top of the mattress for support)
owwww

Not at all.