You have 60 seconds to write the best possible stand-up comedy you can think of

You have 60 seconds to write the best possible stand-up comedy you can think of.

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No dialogue, just two guys come and fuck you in the ass on stage.

A comedy about a man who is Sup Forums personified. Pic related.

A homeless gentleman walked up to me the other day
"Please sir, I haven't had a bite in months!" He said
>Well what did you do?
Well I leant over and bit him of course

>AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

whats the deal with peanus they look nothing like peas peas are green

I have a rather long and strange story that I've told many times. It's the weirdest thing I've seen in person and I've been told it's my funniest story. I call it simply "the milk story"

Have Charlie Murphy come up and tell stories of partying in Hollywood in the 80s with his brother

STOP SAYING I'M GAY

I AM NOT GAY

I AM NOT GAY BUT YOU ARE GAY, FUCK YOU

>So I got my period today. I woke up and saw I was on my period and was like Already? Come on I thought I just did this a month ago and here we are again on my period.

>Crowd loses their shit.

First impressions are hard man I'll tell ya, especially when you're meeting your neighbors for the first time. That's always an awkward conversion isn't it?

I can't even get past my court ordered introduction as a registered sex offender before they start judging me.

What's the DEAL with Bane? He's a big guy! A big guy! Is he a big guy for me, a big guy for you? I don't know!

A nigger, a Jew and a grossly-obese Mexican walk into a gay bar. They approach a fat, cum-gargling faggot with a 2-inch-long, always flaccid penis using an Apple product at a table. "You wanna come back to our place?" the nigger asks the faggot. "You can toss my Mexican friend's rancid herpes-and-shit-covered salad and jerk my Jewish friend's wart-and-pimple covered penis while I ram my giant unlubed nigger-cock into your gaping oft-fucked asshole." "Oh, literally nothing in the world would make me happier!" says the faggot. "But first i need to start a thread about stand-up comedy and subtly steal peoples' jokes, on Sup Forums's Film & Television board. It will just take a moment."

Why is that not me??!!

You have potential user. I'm chortling

I ate a bag of raw kale, it wasn't very good. It tasted like spinach but was much worse. They say kale is a superfood. It tastes like shit though. I guess you would taste like shit too if you were super. If kale was a person it would probably an hero because of how bad it tastes. Imagine being a kale woman and sucking kale dick and how bad it tastes. If kale was a person it'd be African because it's leaves are all curly and thick and nappy. It's supposed to be super nutrient dense so that's why I eat it. If kale was a black person it'd be DJ Kaled. "You healthy. You antioxidized. You a plant eater." The next time I buy a bag of kale, I don't think I'll eat it in such large portions once more. Have you even tried those kale shakes at Walmart? They aren't very tasty is all I'll say. And they look like diahrrea too. Like someone ate nothing but kale and milk then shat it into a bottle. No thanks. My dog wouldn't even eat kale, and he's a , you know, dog. I wonder how they even make it at the kale factory. How's that for GMO you buck toothed faggots. I digress though , if you wanna have a lot of vitamin K you should eat kale. How about that, they should just rename it to Vitamin Kale. Seriously, it has over a thousand percent daily value in a single serving, what the fuck am I supposed to do with all that vitamin k? Shit out more kale? No but really, it wouldn't hurt to eat more kale, even though it doesn't taste very well that's all I'll say

So the other day I applied for a job as a dishwasher. Turns out they don't really want a dishwasher. They want someone to watch their mentally retarded employees wash dishes. So I take the job and guess what? Retards don't work night shifts. So guess who washes the dishes? I do. But I'm not getting paid the same as the average dishwasher. I'm getting paid DOUBLE to do the work at the pace that a RETARDED person would do it! So I think to myself, they're paying me this much money for this kind of work? NOW WHO'S RETARDED IN THIS SITUATION?

>waits for laughter, receives none

So...my grandpa passed away on my first day on the job. I barely knew the guy but my mom was in the room when it happened, so I feel I owe it to her to go to the funeral. But it's on a day that I work. So I ask for a day off. I don't have any paid leave accumulated yet, but I guess you still get paid if its bereavement leave. So I got my slip signed and that's that.

>waits for laughter again. shuffles nervously

I also have to get an annual TB test, but they said they would pay for it. So I guess that's cool...

>waits.

NIGGERS NIGGERS NIGGERS NIGGERS NIGGERS

>If kale was a person it would probably an hero

>no "im getting paid to goto a strangers funeral...can you bereave that?"

DAMMIT.

Please give me all of your personal information so I can credit you in my stand-ups.

that wont be necessary I watch retards wash dishes...im set for life

I do this for a loving so can't really post the contents of an upcoming HBO special.

i jack off before any major decision i make now. leaving the house, curly fries or straight, its really awkward, especially for drive through guy.

whew lad

I'm more interested by dat thigh.

So they told me i had 60 seconds up here. What a bunch of lunatics, i tell ya. Do i look like Jack Bauer? There's no fucking bomb here.
The only thing that's gonna explode is the fat guy in the 2nd row. Look at him, his face is all red already. How i'm gonna defuse this bastard? Jesus Christ, i don't wanna make you laugh but it's really tempting to make you explode.

That was pathetic, Louis CK wannabee.

WHATS THE DEAL WITH BIG GUYS?

THEY BE COMMIN ON YO PLANE

THEY BE CRASHIN IT WITH NO SURVIVORS

NIGGA GOT OFF DIS PLANE!

NIGGA!

WHAT?!

Not standup but just some sketch comedy ive been working on
Camera pans to two men in a gas station walking around the aisles
One man is scanning through the candy shelves looking for something to snack on
The other man is on his phone texting his girlfriend
>Seventeen police officers run in rapidly firing a barage shots at the two men
both men are dead within seconds
>seinfeld music plays
cashier looks at the camera "Welp, i guess they dindu nuffin"
>There's another coming out of that popeyes
>the sound of constant gunshots last for 15 seconds while the camera is still on the cashier who is just smiling back into the camera
scene cuts to black
gunshots still ringing
Slideshow of pictures of larry david photoshopped into fish tanks plays


ill be here all week guys

Hehe

Sounds like it would only work if you were british.

vocaroo.com/i/s0OELgNPkrFj

No singles policy

Maaaan, you evah notice when black people cross the street, dey cross it one way. But white people. Maaaan, when white people be crossing the street, it different!
I'M WAITING FOR A WRITING JOB LESLIE.

HBO special incoming.

fucking hell dude

Sounds like a good night out, shame someone beat you in making this thread.

I'd go on stage and smoke some weed, then complain about my wife fucking niggers.

What, the Amy Schumer "Chocolate Starfish" Special?

I don't share funny thoughts with this cancerous board anymore.
Fuck you Sup Forums.

Okay

*crumples paper, throws it past the auduence*

Looks like that one went over your head.

"women's suffrage."

I put my soul into that pal

Yeah how about that woman's suffrage? While they're getting together to talk about voting and working, Im stuck dealing with Laundry's suffrage and Dinner's suffrage.

>pitch perfect? it should have been pitch mediocre but there's no alliteration!

genius

>So i saw this picture on facebook a while back that really got me thinking. The pic showed some girl holding a stack of bills and the caption was "others out here sleeping when im always on my grind, just made 1500 tricking out here tonight*" majority of the comments were like lol ho you nasty and your parents must be horrified. But i had a completely different response. I was like damn, thats alot of money in one night. And you know she aint gettin taxed on that shit either. I did the math being the nerdy negroid i am and if shes hoeing 3 times a week making 1500, thats 18k a month. And 216k a year. Plus i doubt shes paying taxes on that shit. Thats hella impressive. And who am i to judge what her profression its 2016. Prostitution should be completely in my honest opinion. Brothels and everything. Any parents thinking "oh i dont want my kids exposed to that kid of stuff" are dumb as fuck. Kids nowadays know more sex positions then us. Porn is so easily accessible nowadays its ridiculous. When you go to a porn website it asks you are you 18 yes or no and thats it. Aint no other precautions. Youd think theyd be able to monitor that like as soon as you say your 18 you gotta post proof or something but nuh uh thats it. And even without porn theres so much sex on basic cable nowadays what with rihanna showin her nipples and shit. Kids know sex exists, so i dont think prostitution will be the worst thing in the world.Besides its got so many more pros then cons.
Im almost 100% certain that the majority of mass shootings in the states are done by depressed sexless virgins. Who the fuck would commit a crime right after feeling the warm embrace of a woman
Fuck this is the best i could do baka should prob an hero

Make it black guys and I'm in

What about this one have you heard of this one? The guy shaved off all his pubes and after he gives the girl a facial he throws them on her face, so that she has a little goatee?

It's called the Patrice O'n - I mean the Abraham Lincoln

Top notch

GOOD OLD MOTHER GOOSE

YEAH, I FUCKED HER

I'm bored already

if i bang my dog is that incest?

ok i am going to read the first part of a tweet and you guys have to guess the hashtag at the end of it

ok, "best father's day ever"

nope

no sorry

the answer is #StepDaughterAnal

ok now the next one is "where the jews at?"

nope

oooo close, the answer is "#1945tweets"

what's the deal with airline food haha just joking but seriously why is that kike seinfeld so popular

haha just joking but for real airline food is fully fucked like what is the deal

The 2nd one is good.

>oooo close, the answer is "#1945tweets"

Transvestite who has got confused what to wear !!

Would sniff and lick

y'all niggas trippin bout the zika virus but i'm cold chilling, i don't even own a computer

my friend got broken up with yesterday. his girlfriend came over to his place after work, sat him down, and told him firmly, "i can't take this bullshit about you pretending to be a detective, it was kind of cute and funny at first but it's just delusional jared, you aren't a detective. we should split up." but he was like, "that's a great idea we can cover more ground that way."

good joke but good luck becoming a well known comedian doing jokes nowadays.

Hey, are you Jimmy Carr? No? Wait, you're not even British? Then don't do punchline comedy. You can make a living but you won't be remembered.

So I read the other day that fish don't actually feel pain, at least not we do.


Thank you ladies and gents you have been an amazing bunch tonight!

THE ARISTOCRATS!

So I went to the dentist the other day. (oh you guys go too? cool)

So the dentist is rooting around in my mouth, and instead of saying the usual "so user how much do you floss" or "hey you haven't been flossing much huh" she heaves this big dramatic sigh. She looks me in the eyes and says, "user, at what point did you just...give up?"

And I'm taken aback for a second. It's like my dentist has really boiled down, to its very essence, just how big of a piece of shit I've become since my last visit. I think about it for a while, and I finally look back into her eyes and say AUUGHGHGHUUHAHAHUGHUGHHG

if I was on stage I'd hook my fingers in my mouth to present the punchline better

HE'S A NIGGER

...

This one has been battle tested, if it works it works

Ok ok
So, a man walks into a bar, and he says "Ouch"

A horse walks into a bar.

Bartender goes "WHY THE LONG FACE?"

AND THE HORSE GOES I'm dying of terminal cancer

HAROLD WILSON

very good user.

I hope you aren't joking. I've been thinking that up for a little while trying to see if it could work.

what the hell is "non-punchline comedy" then? is it like those british faggots that tell the long winded stories that wrap up incredibly conveniently?

you should tell the joke in german

i need a (You) and i'll give you guys the punchline

I'll bite.

Thanks bruh

So Captain America throws his shield at me and I'm like "Did you just throw a frisbee at me? The fuck? I'm not a dog."

because germans love working

I don't get it

The joke is she'd still have her fingers in my mouth. Because she's a dentist.

i'm actually laughing at how pointless this post was

that would be pretty funny if you told an audience you have a really funny story then just never tell it and immediately move on to another subject

...

you definitely don't want to tell it in spanish

user I'm not going to keep replying if you say punchlines that don't make sense well maybe just this once

you want the joke to work, germans are known for being industrious and spaniards/mexicans are considered lazy

oh fuck I just got it

that's pretty good senpai

Saddam didn't took no shit from bakers!
He would enter in random bakery, ask for 1 kg of bread, baker would give him, he would put it
on scale, scale says 0,879g, so he said to his national guard that they throw him into furnace.

>Every baker had loafs of 1 kg later on(in 0.00001 g), he singlehandedly beat corruption in Iraq in 5 minutes.

:)))

We put fishes into tanks and birds into cages. That would make pretty onesides war.

Thats what she says!

...

here's another angle: the problem with telling mexican jokes is that they don't work

really makes you think

but memeing aside i don't get this at all lol

tanks meaning artillery

tanks for the explanation

HAHAHAHJAHAAJAJAHAHABAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA i have to fantasize about death in order to fall asleep :(

I think my girlfriend is too young and inexperienced for me. Everytime we have sex she just lays on her back and plays with rattle

I bought a book titled: how to talk about books you havent read. Havent read it, but I can talk about it

How does a rapist get a new job? Does he go to the interview or do you just find him already working there?

>Ever heard of the vegan who didn't bring his veganism up every 5 minutes? (wait for a small bit) Me neither. (laugh break) But seriously, I'm a vegan and... (segway into vegan jokes)


Kek

Here, I can write young women's comedy:

Got my period again.

It looks like the elevator scene from The Shining.

My boyfriend thinks I'm a slut.

Have you ever crushed on another girl's man?

I got drunk.

Okay goodnight you've been a great audience.

genius, 10/10 stuff amy

hey guys great to be here tonight
how is everyone doing?
yeah?
alright
so

nigger NIGGER

LOOK AT THIS FUCKING NIGGER