\JOKE THREAD//

\\JOKE THREAD//
Post the best jokes you know

>Thumblr tier - mainstream internet
>Shit tier - unoriginal Sup Forums
>Average tier - original but taboo topic (dark humour)
>God tier - original non dark humour

Other anons rate them!

Q. Why do the French like to eat snails so much?

A. They can’t stand fast food.

What did the stamp say to the envelope?

You stick with me and I will take you places!

Waiter, waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?

I believe that's the backstroke, sir.

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

A man goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor tells him, "You have to stop masturbating." The man says, "Why?" The doctor says, "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."

Q: So how does the emperor penguin fix his nest?

A: Igloos it back together

Q. What did James Bond have for dinner?

A. Spyghetti

Oh man i like this one, reminds me of the time i took my cross-eyed bulldog to the vet and once we got to see him, he picked rover up and started examining the back of his eyes.
After a short while the vet turned to me and and in a somber voice he said he'd have to put my dog down. When I asked why he told me it was because he was really heavy.

A little math joke for you here.

A house has been standing empty for a long time.
A car drives past with three people inside it.
One priest, one biologist and one mathematician.
They see two people enter the house (which they know has been empty for a long time).
A little while later three people walk out the door.
The priest, biologist and mathematician all argue about how it came to be.
The priest says it must be a miracle.
The biologist says it must be the fastest reproduction in history.
And the mathematician says that if the third person walks back into the house, then the house must be empty.

A nigger gets out of prison

a Sup Forumstard leaves the house

Q: what has a bottom at the top?

A: a leg!

Nice

What's green and brown, has six legs and will kill you if it jumps out of a tree on you?

A snooker table.

What's big, red, runs on wheels and eats grass?

A bus; I lied about the grass.

What weighs less than a blue elephant?

A light-blue elephant

Ok ok here comes ze joke

Q: whats ze difference between a pile of ash and a Jew?

A: nothing

Do you understand NOTHING... Der joke of ze year... Kek'd hard as fuck

What do you call it when you crash into the side of a meat truck?

T bone.

I actually giggled because of the way ut was written.

A woman walks out of the kitchen

>if unenthusiastic hand job had aface this would be it

Holy fucking kek

Why did the moron throw the clock out the window? Because it reminded him of Richard Clock, a man convicted of knife raping his wife.

I laughed because people died

bump

I don't get it pls explain

dont get it, and i love math. :(

If the house was definatly at it's zero point before the two people walked in, then it must be -1 when three people walk out (in the head of the mathematician). So if a person walks back in, then it must be back at zero/empty.

Not a hysterical joke, but i chuckled when my professor told it in class.

its just about having equal sides, if one person inside was considered empty, then having the person come outside would render the number of people inside the house to be -1

this guy gets it

I'm figuring that if the third person was occupying an empty house, they're equal to zero; being inside or outside of the house is analogous to balancing out an equation.

Just my take on it; could be completely wrong.

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: Because it terrifies the dogs

Why doesn't Stevie Wonder see his kids?

Because he's black.

What do you call a fat Asian?

Chunk.

Vet du varför bladlöss är så små?

För dom har stannat i växten.

yea that isn't very funny. Weird, i've been a math tutor for 3 years, and i never would have gotten that. mfw math tutor and can't figure out math jokes

A nigger, a sandnigger and a jew had a competition. The goal was to be the first one to hit the ground. Who won?

A)society
B)who gives a shit
Both are correct

Also pic related

At what level are you tutoring?
I'm in an advanced engineering maths course.

nice one

The "fun" part is that it makes fun of mathematicians.

calc 1 and lower, so like up to chapter 5 of the calc book, idk every school seems to use a different book, thats as far as i've been in math. School startin back up in a couple weeks.

Shall i tell a joke?
The cat with a tie.

youre good at telling jakes

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !'
'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic.'
'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all same.'

Wanna hear a joke?
Women's basketball

>mfw math tutor and can't figure out math jokes

You also cannot figure out what MFW means, clearly. You're on a roll today.

Why can't women ski?
There's no snow between kitchen and bedroom

No Norwegians in this thread who got this one?

elaborate? I've only been on b for 10 years, so maybe you can enlighten me.

I hope this is just bait...

0 + 2 - 3 + 1 = 0

A Fish walks into a Dr s office, the dr instantly says
>I see the problem, dislocated

This works great in dutch

Do ya new fag? why's that? Also, who the fuck are you thinking you can tell people how they can and can't use made up abbreviations for commonly used phrases?

Q: have you ever tried african food?
A: neither have they.

Why did the man smile?

Because he saw a daisy

marry me

How many Jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in and another to tell him not to because there's still daylight.

hold the edge little one, so you didn`t know what mfw meant and got caught at it? so what, just chill and no need to pretend to be an "oldfag"

Ok, i'll explain it to you since tou actually seem to be this ignorant.

MFW = My Face When.
A "meme" usually accompanied by a PICTURE that actually shows a FACE (with a fitting expression)

I'll be happy to, but only if you're a femanon though.

what if i'm a "femanon"?

no, ugly crossdressers stay alone forever

Tits or gtfo

This is not me: If you by "femanon" mean anything else than a straight actual female (none of those new fucking things), then i will have to cancel the wedding. If you are a female though then i'll be there.

Someone tell a fucking joke

your life

but i already told all of my family and made plans and all :(

Well i'm an emotionless robot without empathy or conscience, so too bad.

Dark humour is average tier?

Guess dark humour is like food. Not everyone gets it.

fucking god tier

I hope this is bait

so you're just an average man, you heartless monster.

I'm imaging that pic is her progressive reaction as I'm taking my pants off

i like this.

Not a joke but an original play on words I thought of the other night.

Say "For China" in an Australian accent.

Underrated post

Q: What do you do if you walk in on someone having a seizure in the bathtub?

A: Throw your laundry in.

There were two hats on a hat-stand. One says to the other, you stay here and i'll go on ahead

A redditer has an IQ above 2

Why would it be?

kek

My new favourite sexual position is the JFK. You splatter all over her face whilst she screams and tries to get out of the car.

Why'd the koala fall out the tree?
He dead
Why'd the second koala fall out the tree?
Tripped on the first Koala

Why did the third koala fall out the tree?
Peer pressure.

What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint

What's green and goes up and down?
A pea in an elevator.

Why'd the kangaroo die?
He was hit bybthree falling koalas.

What's blue and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket in the paint

What's black and looks like a bucket?
The blue bucket's shadow

A man falls out an airplane with his dog. Who hits the ground first?
Three dead koalas and the kangaroo.

I have a go to that usually makes people lol.

An American man travels to iqaluit, Nunavut and sits at a small local bar. The locals stare and laugh at him in their language. The American announces "hello, I've traveled from America and I would like to become an Inuit like you guys. Will you teach me your ways?"
The locals laugh at him and one decides to bullshit with him and announces, "okay, if you want to become one of us, we will put you through the three steps everyone has to go through to become a man. It is very challenging, are you sure you are ready?"
"Yes!" the American announces eagerly.
"Very well. The first step is to drink a full pint of our strongest moonshine. Then immediately you must go out to the wilderness and find the biggest and meanest polar bear you come across and kill it with your bare hands. Then once completed, make your way into town and find the biggest, ugliest, fattest, ugliest, hairiest woman you come across and fuck her raw in the middle of the street. Only then will we accept you into our culture. Are you still ready?"
"Hell yea," the American says as he downs the moonshine. The alcohol makes him drunk within minutes and he barely staggers out the bar.

A few moments pass and the men in the bar hear an ungodly roaring and unearthly cacophony of limbs being torn, flesh ripped, and blood being spilled in a very violent way. The men are sure the American is dead.

Silence passes and the door of the bar opens suddenly to be greeted by the American covered in blood, his shirt torn, his left arm missing from the elbow down.

And he yells out loud, still drunk, "NOW WHERES THAT BUG UGLY FAT WOMAN IM SUPPOSED TO KILL WITH MY BARE HANDS!?"

actually kekked.

she is a fucking qt 3.14
10/10

if that happend to be true you're at a retardness level which cannot be described with words or numbers. Which would also explain why you didn't get the (bad) joke in the first place.

Each person has a specialty, each with their own way of explaining things.
The Priest "explains it" as a miracle.
The biologist explains it as the fastest reproduction in history.
The mathematician explains it in numbers(sort of). 0 + 2 = 3 isn't really possible, but if you subtracted 1 it would be.

Here's another

A man walks down the beach and sees a rather attractive woman with no arms or legs crying next to the ocean.
"Miss, why are you crying?" the man asks.
"Well you see, I have no arms or legs. And I've never had sex. Will you please have sex with me?"
"Of course not! I have a wife and I also have the decency to not have sex on a public beach!"
"Please sir I'm desperate. I'll pay you!"
"The answer is no and I'm leaving now"
"Sir please all I want is to be fucked."
"Oh okay then," he says, picking her up, and throws her in the ocean.
"NOW YOURE FUCKED!"

Explain for those of us that are chums.

I bet your nickname around town is Socks because teenagers continuously cum inside you.

Did you hear about the man with amnesia?

Uh, I forget the rest of the joke.

Let's see if some of you will get this physics joke then:

An engineer, a mathematician and a physicist argue about how to measure the volume of a cat.

The engineer says that we can submerge the cat in a water tank and measure the rise in water level.

The mathematician says we can calculate the volume integral over the full body of the cat.

The physicist began with saying: let's assume the cat is spherical and in a vacuum.

0 + 2 = 2 in the house
2 - 3 = -1 in the house
-1 + 1 = 0 in the house

the third person being removed from the house where there wasn't one means that there are now negative one people in the house when three people leave the house. it's just applying the negative integers to something that doesn't have a use for them

Your joke was a frog holocaust anyway.

Nope, I just shredded that frog without understanding anything better.

Sorry 'bout your frog bro.

the joke is that the physicist is completely detached from reality and makes it overly complicated?

A truck driver is making his usual haul when he sees another bug rig on the side of the road with a ton of penguins gathered. The busted down truck's driver flags him down.

"Please sir, I have to get these penguins to the zoo! They offered me 5000 bucks for the job. I'll give you 3000 if you get them to the zoo!"

The truck driver is skeptical, as he has his own delivery.

"Fine take the full 5000! Just get these penguins to the zoo!"

The driver complies, loads the penguins and is on his way.

Eventually the other driver gets his truck fixed so he decides to head to the city and check out the penguins at the zoo. When he's passing through downtown he sees the truck driver who was supposed to deliver the penguins. He saw him crossing the street, and behind him a row of penguins were also crossing.

The driver honks and sticks his head out the window. "Hey shithead! I told you to take em to the zoo!"

The other man yells back, "I did, asshole! There was money left over so now we're going to the movies!"

What is the best part about raping a 9 year old?
.
.
Watching her break down on the witness stand.

No. If you have ever taken a physics course then you know that all problems in physics are very simplified versions of reality, otherwise the problems would be way too difficult.

Usually you substitute a car or a person with a pointmass, cube or a sphere. And we usually overlook air resistance which explains the vacuum.

I'll add that it's not a "fun" joke, but it's mildly amusing if you know some physics.