Please state the nature of the medical emergency

Please state the nature of the medical emergency.

Op is being a massive fag

I'm a doctor, not a fag enabler!

That's MY line.

UUAAARGH

Well, I can't fix that.

does this look like fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva to you, Doc? Harry doesn't think I have too much longer.

I have no information on that....

Please help doc whatever I do I always see this.

I'm in a sexless relationship

Hardly an 'emergency.'

I want to kill myself and I'm down to just kitchen knives.

I am sorry op but being a fag is terminal

No sex for few months... I call it a emergency!

Go talk to Mr. Neelix. He's our chief (and only) morale officer.

And just who might you be?

Do you require my assistance?

Borg have vaginas?

Of course. The females do, anyway.

I have the ungodly urge to stick my thumb into a Cardassian's forehead spoon.

Please help

I want to fuck this girl but she has herpes what should I do

Is it true that if you sneeze five times in a row you die?

You shouldn't even go near those "people."

Well, judging by what happened to Ensign Kim, I'd suggest you steer clear of her.

Complete fabrication. Where on Voyager did you hear that?

I'm aware.

I just can't resist the impulse

I slept with a woman ferengi... FML

In the mess hall, some guy said so.
I'm safe then?

You'll either resist, or they'll make you wish you had. You remember what they did to your captain, correct?

I hope you paid the latinum up front.

Yes, but...why would you want to do that?

Bolian Bowel Movements

Our bowels are superior to yours, I assure you.

I want to die, see ya doc.

Why each time, I see the hologram doctor I got a erection

Why do you want to die?

I've been known to have that effect on people.

You rang?

My head feels all ooky inside.

Oh, Madame President. I didn't know you were on-board.

I keep shitting. Like, it wont stop coming out. Been going strong for two days. TWO FUCKING DAYS OF STRAIGHT SHITTING. Its everywhere. The fridge, on the cat, even waaaaay under my bed. Halp me, doc!

Yesterday I fall accidentally on... The floor... So.. They was 3 gi Joe... the floor .. accidentally.... I'm not gay purely a... Coincidence.. To accidentally... So... I got 3 gi joe stuck in my... My... Accidentally when I fallen.. In my a... A... Asss... So... What I do?

Welcome to the Caribbean, love.

So Doc...I need help with my Tribble addiction...I just can seem to keep the little fellas out of my pants, in fact i have several crammed into my jockies as we speak...please help

Sounds like too much anal sex there. You need to have ass sew shut

I'd recommend you stay in quarters and drink plenty of fluids.

YOU AGAIN?! I thought Mr. Tuvok took care of you weeks ago.

...

I'm feeling some sharp pains in the feels.

(PS nice thread)

He did and I'm grateful...but this is an addiction and I always have a supply of the little critters. Hell they're all but falling out of the ventilation ducts where I've been raising them...last count had them at around 600 or so

I can help those feels. What's on your mind?

The minute we get to the Alpha Quadrant, I'm going to recommend a change of assignment for you.

I feared this. Alright, ill get my fishing line and needle out.
Thanks doc! Theres a lot of shit in my quarters, but i can live with it.
I blame the gagh i had for lunch a few days back. Never again.

awww c'mon Cap they're harmless (mostly) and alot of the crew really "like" them.

It's true! I fucked those!! Perfect sex toys!

...

YOU might be able to live with it, but it endangers the health of the rest of the crew. Lucky for you, this is a one-way journey.

Then you can BOTH have a new assignment! One of those things gets into a Jefferie's Tube, a nibble here, a nibble there, and we're all flying BACKWARDS.

Uhm well you might want to have someone look into that...As I have already stated I can account for the 600 or so in the vents, but you know how tribbles do....

Oh ok... But don't touch the sticky tripple

...before I have Harry beam you directly into open space...

I think you might have bigger problems on your hands than beaming me away...in fact isn't that a tribble behind your chair?

I have blue balls. Like, major blue balls.
They hurt, and i cant just beat off because I feel like the ship is watching me, recording my jerking habits.
Anyways, mind giving me a doctors note, and dropping me off at Risa for a few weeks?

That's it, 20 days in the Brig for you and your...'tribble-friend' here.

That's fine, but um can I have a few tribbles in my cell for "moral" support?

condom you tard, this isn't africa

No. Mr. Tuvok, please escort them.

I could...assist you.

I'd reading all of this in The Doctors and everyone else’s voices and this is so great and I love all of you.

I'm sure we all appreciate that.

Ok Doc here's the deal...I'm part of a security detail that's being sent planet side to investigate the disappearance of a few of our science officers...my question is this, can I get a note or something that'll exempt me from this mission? Pretty Please?!?!?

You are going on that mission, Lieutenant.

Wherever I damn well please

Oh my god....thats all ive ever wanted.

Well, let's get started....

Havent been wearing any all day.
Assimilate away!

>

...

You're both in the wrong ship AND the wrong century.

Follow my lead, and your safety will be assured.

...

You see, killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them until they reached their limit and shut down.

...

So sayeth Zapp

You did not follow my lead.

No, you are wrong sir! As Cheif Medical Officer aboard this thread I in fact *do* have the power to keep you from going on away missions - and even relieve you of command! - if I deem you medically unfit, as stated in by Starfleet Protocol.

this thread is autism

Oh I'm sorry, are YOU a Starfleet officer too?

and how long do you think my enlistment is for
this "7 hour tour" has filled my entire contract and then some
you can fuck off with your starfleet regs
I've been a civilian for a long time

Hey Doc...look uhm I woke up this morning feeling a little shakey.

Today, I feel unfit to work. I think it might be a case of Monday sickness. Is there a cure?

Only Cure

Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do about that.

Why are you not in the Brig?

Janeway to Tuvok, what's going on down there?

Tuvok, respond.

Computer, locate Lieutenant Tuvok.

Hey guys, anyone want some sexual healing? My trombone heals with its tootie sounds.

Doc... I can't seem to stop getting dubs!!

...oh man...

I call this one, "Deep Space Tromboner".

Lieutenant Tuvok is in Holodeck One.

>The hell is he doing there when I told him to...?

On my way. You're with me, Lieutenant Tribble.

I is kil

I can hear their voices all of them... Ya gotta make it stop doc.

TAG, YOU'RE IT.

Ok doctor I'm not joking around here...you need to find me unfit for duty or SOMETHING because I'm being sent in the 2nd search team trying to locate the missing science officers...help me out my man?!?!