Have any of you tried doing stand up comedy? Why/why not? What was your experience?

Have any of you tried doing stand up comedy? Why/why not? What was your experience?

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I tried once, but everyone just laughed at me

I'm not smart enough to make my Assburgers sound funny

Try again

I'm autistic
I wouldn't know what to talk about or what to write
Otherwise I'd do it, I wouldn't be political or talk about celebs, something like Ferguson's monologues with the level of comfyness of Dylan Moran

Wouldn't autism make you better at comedy?

So I just flew in, boy are my arms tired!

Make an effort and don't be sarcastic. You're selling yourself short.

Nah, I just settle for being witty on here. Some people just settle for any old (you)'s but I go for the keks.

Have a (You), my man.

This is one of my bits. It usually goes over well with my friends when I get the timing right, but I've never tried it on stage.

I live next to this psychic shop on the corner and the lady who runs it is really nice. The shop has this really elaborate wood carving on the front and a large plain yellow wall on the side facing my street.
One day I walked by on my way to the store and on my way back not 15 minutes later there was graffiti all over the big yellow wall, but there was already a couple of guys out there painting over it. I had to wonder... you think she saw it coming?
I imagine her sitting there just flipping over tarot cards when all of a sudden she says, "Oh shit!.... I gotta go to Home Depot."

...

Not too bad, maybe edit out some of the extraneous stuff but otherwise solid.

I've posted this in a similar thread a couple days ago and got some alright feedback.

vocaroo.com/i/s0ZbMfGd7QbT
No singles policy

I've never gone on stage though this was just me fucking around.

...

Terrible

That's a lot of boring set-up for an old hackneyed joke.

I'm not autistic, but i over analysis everything.
I can quite easily make people laugh by talking through my over analysis ins of something but it's really all in the delivery and analogies. Think over analysis like George costanza.

If your autistic youl have no trouble with the material, it's just learning how to deliver it.

I've done a dozen or so sets on open mic nights at my local comedy club. A lot of the time, it's just shitty amateurs like myself waiting for someone to end on a lot of laughs and rushing in to beat the others so we can coast.

I've never performed cold and am not secure enough in my material to want to try.

It's just about knowing your audience. Like this:

I almost got married to a chick with a kid... She said the kid was mine but as a black man, I think I made the right choice.

Here's one of my bits. I performed it in my hometown.

"Alright, here's a joke that you guy won't understand but here goes. Panda no suki na tabemono wa nan desu ka? pan duh! Now the thing about the bit I just did is for one, it wouldn't fly if there was actually someone who knew Japanese in the audience, and if they were I highly doubt they would actually beJapanese but rather someone who could go on about their 'Sailor Moon' fanfiction for an ungodly amount of time. Another thing is, when doing research, for jokes in other languages remember to search 'jokes in Japanese' rather than 'Japanese jokes' because, well you know, the Internet's a racist cesspool."

Is panda your favourite food? Am i missing something?

This isn't funny on any level, no ironically, not straight, it's not funny

What is a panda's favorite food? Pan, duh! (Pan is bread in Japanese)

What do you find funny?

Just don't.

This. That isn't a joke because like it said in the joke, no one understands japanese.

Here's one of my bits
"So I’m in a long distance relationship and I know what everybody says they always fail and I get where everybody's coming from but the way I was thinking at the time is she’s my soul mate, So a week I started to understand the problems with these types of relationships the main one being I can’t punch her in the face over Skype."

I get around 80% laughter on this one.

No because I'm not a pathetic, little, insecure beta faggot.

I laffed.

I end with the line "This experience has been a lot like that movie "Speed". Except there's no bus, we're not going over 55 mph. Keanu Reeves, Dennis Hooper, and Sandra Bullock aren't here. There's no pop quiz. When it comes down to it, we just got a bomb. Thank you!"

I've thought about doing stand up on early turn of the century stuff

like runescape, coke music, harry potter while it was good and other shit

That sounds unfunny as fuck pal

Not bad

you'd probably be surprised, I've had some lulzy experiences.

not going to discuss any of them or any of my possible bits because their birthdays would get snatched around here but suit yourself

Share some material here senpai, i'm curious about your Runescape jokes

>what do you call a woman with a mind of her own?
>fiction

What's the deal with cell phones? Everybody's always using their phones and going on facebook and tinder lol.

>i'm curious about your Runescape jokes
Things only a virgin would say.

Ebin, simply ebin

KILL YOUR SELF

vocaroo.com/i/s1XRpfxwI5o8

Best comedy routine :^)

>At high school talent show
>Only there because my niece is doing a shitty dance to "Hotline Bling"
>Opening act is "The early 2000s comedy styling of user!"
>Kid gets up
>He's wearing a "Nickelback" shirt
>He starts his bit
>"Hey folks! Anyone remember the Gameboy SP? That shit's old."
>He addresses his shirt.
>"Oh don't worry folks. It's supposed to be ironic!"
>Continues for 15 fucking minutes
>Jokes include:
>"Runescape? More like RUINscape! Amiright? Cause it RUINED MY LIFE!"
>"Coke music? The only people into that were probably high on a different kinda coke? Knowwhatimean?"
>"I used to like Harry Potter. When it was good. Dude, Daniel Radcliffe is OLD!"
>Late thirties moms laugh hysterically throughout while recording on their new ipads
>Dads snicker and talk about how they feel old.
>Anons video uploaded to youtube instantly
>500,000 hits in a matter of hours
>Go home that night
>Finally pull the trigger

link it now

Wow, you're a modern day Amy Schumer. I mean that in the worst possible way because this was quite shit,

I considerd it but then i realized I wasnt funny :(

Here's my favorite joke to tell. It's an old one, but still fresh enough to get laughs.

These two kids are at school, making out under the bleachers. The girl pulls away for a second, catching her breath and smiles at the guy saying "I think I just swallowed your gum." The guy smiles back down at her and says "I wasn't chewing gum, I just cleared my throat."

Painfully unfunny

LMFAO

I don't get it

The girl swallowed the guy's loogie.

Kys

Okay. Pucker up, baby.

Ohhh I see, it could probably work as a regular joke, idk about stand up.

Thanks pal

You could do meta stand-up and explain the joke in a really unfunny way, so it becomes funny in an ironic way?

I feel like Norm McDonald could do this, but it'll be lost on most normies.

I've tried only once but I continue to write short one line jokes. OP's pic is one of my inspirations, along with Steven Wright. The one time I tried to do it, it was alright. Very small venue. I actually didn't bomb as hard as the host and there were some painfully awkward moments when I guy was making very innocent black jokes but was overheard by a pack of black guys outside. They all started in aggressively until the host had to lock the door.

Here's one of my jokes:

I don't believe there's such a thing as kamikaze pilots. That's just Asians driving in the sky.

1 more: I would read Pride and Prejudice but it's not as good as something I could write and it's written by a woman.

I did standup once. I had three joke topics.

One was about the delivery driver at this pizza place that I ordered from just about every week and how I never knew his name, but we had a weird friendship where he waived the cost of food sometimes until the next time I ordered because he knew I would and was even concerned from my health because I was eating out too much.

One was about my mom who was completely overbearing and Filipino, and every phone call was an attempt to prove to me that she was by screaming in Tagalog before I even said hello. Or something. I don't really remember.

One was about me masturbating and something dealing with having to close multiple tabs and stop downloads after getting 30 seconds into the first video.

Then I closed with a longer joke that combined all three with a story about a time I was masturbating, my mom called, and then pizza guy came. I forgot the punchline because I was really drunk and ended up just stopping after talking about me opening the door and my pants falling down with my dick hanging out and me yelling at my mom to tell the girl whose birthday it was, she had a big banner and half the room seemed to be her party, how sorry I was that this was happening.

I honestly can't remember the reception I got because I was fucking wasted. I drank way too much while waiting for my turn.

That pride and prejudice one is great.

don't quit your day job

Kek, second did make me laugh. Can't imagine normies liking it though

Those two are the best ITT.

Lmao

Thank you, guys. Here's a few more for you.

I wanna see a sports team named The Monks. If they win a lot hopefully an announcer will say, "The monks are on fire this season."

If I met myself from the future, it would suck cause I'd have to do it all over again.

I got better at sex after I started applying myself.

I read all my books in between the lines. It takes me only a few minutes to finish each one.


I write a lot of lame jokes but I try to make them actually have a punchline. The biggest problem and the reason I have so much respect for one-liner comedians, is that it's really hard to have everything you say be funny and fill out an actual set. I did 7 minutes and I'm pretty proud that I didn't use all my material. Since then, I've thrown out some stuff and I'm still working on an "act" but find myself going through and throwing out more than I'm writing. Anyways, thanks for the encouragement!

You realize that Sup Forums brand humor is not that fucking hard right?

>What's the difference between a nigger and a Muslim woman? One is actually good a rapping.
>What do you get when you cross a nigger, an asian, and a man with erectile dysfunction? A gook spook who just can't juke
>I licked a kike once. Tasted sour. Guess he was an acidic Jew.
>To a nigger, every day is bike to work day. They steal one in the morning so they can get to the welfare office before it closes
>A lesbian publishes a novel on feminism. Her publisher (a man) calls her up and says "You finally convinced me". "About what?" she said. "Women". "How?" she responds. "Well you've proven female rights because you actually showed me that they can put a damn thing on paper! Novel's garbage by the way."

Thought of those on the fly

Those are shit compared to 's, sorry.

6/10

This, it's completely lacking in anything approaching even the hint of chuckle generation. It's just flat rambling nonsense, but it doesn't even have that "lol so random" appeal. Nor is it even "so dumb it's funny". If you were doing this as an audition or something in front of me i would still be sitting there, maybe tilting my head forward slightly with eyebrows raised in that wordless signal for "ok, we're waiting, are you going to start the jokes now?"

Love to toot your own horn, don't you.

My cringe gland just secreted a fatal amount of toxin to put me out of my misery from having to imagine someone bombing that bad.

Nah, man. This is the guy who made the two threads and someone replying to him is different.

What firefox version are you using

Whooaa, we're firefox theme brehs, breh

44.0.2 and I'm using the FT DeepDark addon which always updates with the version.

Good taste, bro.

There is a lot of setup for a bad puncher.
You need something better for all of that.
Something "edgier" by comedy crowd standards, too, like "I just hope they aren't black again." something that'll get a few "oohhoho" mixed with that one guy who laughs at everything who's always at most open nighters getting wasted.
Just a thought...

Holy shit, I'm on FF 40 because FTDeepDark doesn't allow me to update without incompatibility.
What am I doing wrong?

I'd say that if you update and then search for the addon, even if it doesn't let you when it's updating, it'll be available for whatever version you're updating to. I actually just updated mine to 46.0.1 because of this thread and FT DeepDark still works with it.

I'm saving all my tabs this very moment, last time it updated automatically it immediately disabled it.

I'll check that out, thanks
>tfw botnetium

How many zebras did it take to install a lightbulb?

12 as matter of factly.

1 zebra to stand on top of another zebra. 3 zebras to buy the lightbulb. And 6 zebras to combine into a giant zebra transformer that is big enough to put in the lightbulb.

I came up with a whole bit about how I wish I could still use the word faggot, and how someone could be gay without being a faggot and be a faggot without being gay.

I later realized King Cuck Louis CK already did a variation on that bit once and now I can never do it. And that's the main reason why I can't do standup, because I feel like there's so much material out there that's already been covered, and literally anyone could accuse you of joke theft even if you just happened to come up with a similar joke.

What odd add-on is this, might I add?

l>I came up with a whole bit about how I wish I could still use the word faggot, and how someone could be gay without being a faggot and be a faggot without being gay.

South Park already did this in that episode with the bikers.

4ChanX with my own css

Nice.
I don't mean to pry but since you are Sup Forums what add-ons are using that aren't developer tools?

Who here likes red apples?

From start to finish, 3 million girls took a dump in between the duration of me eating and finishing a red apple. A good 30,000 of those girls taking a dump probably had an apple before hand.
The chances are, at least 10,000 of those 30,000 girls probably had a green apple. I would also predict that at least 15,000 of these women taking dump from eating apples, they probably swallowed some seeds.
And that is why I don't have a girlfriend
I

>*muffled cough from back of room*

>it's a women makes jokes about genitals episode
couldn't bring myself to listen past 9 seconds.

i used to be the funny guy in primary/secondary/first year of sixth form but then the depression happened and now i'm practically friendless drinking my days away shitposting on Sup Forums.

i've honestly thought about writing some stand up but years of docile living has wasted my brains capacity to think. i've become numb and dumb and all i can find the willpower to talk about is film.

Gold Standard right here.

>I don't mean to pry but since you are Sup Forums what add-ons are using that aren't developer tools?
I only have that bookmarked for /sqt/ generals, my other addons are normie tier
>LastPass
>uBlock
>Tampermonkey
>Nimbus Screenshot
>SmoothScroll
>New Tab Video

Who here likes cheese pizza?

Everytime I eat cheese pizza I think of all the kids that fell on there knees in that time it takes me to finish up a slice for some odd reason.

I mean u really want me to care bout ur fucking splooger well mate not just like that I mean come on ur not exactly THE MATRIX™ what d u want me 2 doo? I mean ye good day good day innit. What about me? No sir please don't leave it's getting better I swear please sir I HAVE FREE DRINKS WHO WANTS A FREE DRINK? Raise ur hands if u want one

ok

1, 2, 3... ok the drink plan lists me, dr pavel, my men and only 10 OF YOU

getting u some drinks brb

drink this then *pees on stage*
sorry can u look away i can't do it if ur looking cheers

good standup 8/10 would laugh at this

So today I saw a really funny thread on Sup Forums, it had a picture of CIA (that is aiden gillan to those normie out in the audience lmao) and the poster (he's not got a name on this particular board I visited, let's call him user) well anyway, the poster put 'BANE?' on his post, and it's funny because he says it in the movie but really peculiar like. And then other 'anons' started saying other lines from the movie and posting pictures of Bane (Tom Hardy, again normies...heheh) and stuff like that. It went on for ages and I couldn't stop laughing.

Anyway, what I have for you today is a video from my samsung 5 mobile phone (fuck apple too be quite honest family) to show you, which is the opening scene of TDKR. i hope you find it as ironically humorous as me.

10/10

we've already got stewart lee for that

Haha classic

>that monks one

Didnt see it coming

I liked it because it triggered two weaboos and an autist.