Harry Potter General /hp/

CURSED CHILD PLOT LEAKED

IT'S FUCKING SHIT GET IN HERE POTTERBROS

thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/06/10/harry-potter-and-the-cursed-child-spoilers-here-s-the-plot-of-the-play.html

>Draco Malfoy gets cucked by Voldemort
>literally an homage to My Immortal plotwise

The fuck I'm reading

Plays are not Sup Forums related no matter how insecure /lit/ and /ic/ make you

We've had Book of Mormon and Hamilton threads in here before, the play is the canon continuation of the books and the films and this thread is for all Harry Potter discussions which include books, plays, video games and films.

As far as I am concerned, there's no theatre board yet, so this is the place to talk about it.

Plays are not Sup Forums related no matter how insecure /lit/ and /ic/ make you.

You have /asp/

But he doesn't though, did you fucking read?

the Voldemort kid and "cursed child" is Bellatrix's baby

>Voldemort's secret lovechild

still a hard pass tbqh

Fuck off

Why the fuck is Harry an asshole to his son? My childhood is raped. Jk has gone full Lucas

>Bane the centaur

THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING

Who cares

It's a fucking play. It is literally irrelevant

>tv
>play
MODS PLEASE

>Draco asks Harry to use his position as Head of Magical Law Enforcement at the Ministry of Magic to shut down gossip that a Time-Turner was used to allow Voldemort to impregnate Astoria, Draco’s wife, who gave birth to Scorpius.

What the fuck?
Draco got cucked, literally.

>The plot centers around an intriguing older girl with silver and blue hair, and inconsistent rules about time travel
Literally fanfiction

>Voldemort has a daughter
>Voldemort time travelled and cucked Draco
This isn't canon right?

>a Time-Turner was used to allow Voldemort to impregnate Astoria, Draco’s wife, who gave birth to Scorpius.

This is literally fanvitipn people. Voldemorts daughter? Scorpious going out with a Weasley? Fuck this shut. Rowling literally copied stuff from fanfictions

Yeah the fanfic stuff doesn't really bother me but Harry being a terrible father hits way too close to home. Fuck you Jack Thorne you hack cunt The Fades was pretty good though tbhfam

>caring about literal childrens books that are poorly written past the age of 15
>past 2011

kill yourselves
>general
>etc
better yet, make sure to get cremated too

This. Harry would NEVER say that shit to a kid, let alone his own son. It's fucking up his entire character.

...

I can't believe any of you actually think this is real. For one thing Voldemort can't have a child since because he was conceived illegitimately (via Love Potion) he is incapable of love. So unless Draco shoved his wand up Voldy's butthole to stimulate his prostate and make him jizz while his flaccid penis was shoved inside Astoria's cunny, it's BS

TELL ME ABOUT BANE, WHY DOES HE WATCH THE STARS?

kek even this is fucked because Bane is one of the ones who were most opposed to people from Hogwarts being told about centaur predictions

There comes a point when denial is futile.

HE'S A BIG CENTAUR

Plays are not a sport, plays are not lgbt related no matter how insecure your own homosexuality makes you.

Read the fucking whole thing.

The person who fucked Voldemort is Bellatrix.

The baddie is their kid.

FOR UUUU

>Album and Scorpius go back in time using a time turner seeking adventure and to save Cedric because they're bored
>realize in doing so they fucked with reality
>spend the rest of the story trying to fix what they fucked up
>Harry is also a dickhead father

horrible.

It's also obviously the impact of the movies, who even gave a fuck about Cedric Diggory before he was played by the Twilight guy?

>The baddie is their kid.

guess they were evil on a genetic level

the time-turner was a shitty idea, rowling is a hack

His dad shows up again when its revealed that Hermoine kept her Time Turner to bitch at Harry to save Cedric.

One things for sure, its still easily one of the dullest franchise in the history of movie franchises. Each episode following the boy wizard and his pals from Hogwarts Academy as they fight assorted villains has been indistinguishable from the others. Aside from the gloomy imagery, the series’ only consistency has been its lack of excitement and ineffective use of special effects, all to make magic unmagical, to make action seem inert.

Perhaps the die was cast when Rowling vetoed the idea of Spielberg directing the series; she made sure the series would never be mistaken for a work of art that meant anything to anybody?just ridiculously profitable cross-promotion for her books. The Harry Potter series might be anti-Christian (or not), but it’s certainly the anti-James Bond series in its refusal of wonder, beauty and excitement. No one wants to face that fact. Now, thankfully, they no longer have to.

>a-at least the books were good though
"No!"
The writing is dreadful; the book was terrible. As I read, I noticed that every time a character went for a walk, the author wrote instead that the character "stretched his legs."

I began marking on the back of an envelope every time that phrase was repeated. I stopped only after I had marked the envelope several dozen times. I was incredulous. Rowling's mind is so governed by cliches and dead metaphors that she has no other style of writing. Later I read a lavish, loving review of Harry Potter by the same Stephen King. He wrote something to the effect of, "If these kids are reading Harry Potter at 11 or 12, then when they get older they will go on to read Stephen King." And he was quite right. He was not being ironic. When you read "Harry Potter" you are, in fact, trained to read Stephen King.

>This isn't canon right?

The fucking time turner was good because he was based on Novikov's Self Consistency Principel, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, you can't fuck up the past on Novikov because everything you do -already fucking happened-, it was the whole fucking point.

But why would Harry's kid give a fuck about Cedric? A shitload of people died in the books who they didn't save. It's such a fucking arbitrary plot point. Why would you make the canon sequel about that in the first place?

Imagine how awkard it would be to act this shit out in front of people. Holy fuck.

Every fucking time.

Such a classic pasta, thank you

>Rose Granger Weasly
>Not Weasly Granger

Does Ron have a cuckshed in this new movie?

Movie was entertaining and charming but the whole storyline has always been such a shit fest.

That was an awful plot.

Rowling really is lucky.

Does anyone have the whole script?

you forgot

>Cedric Diggory, because he's bitter about losing the tournament, becomes a Death Eater and eventually kills Neville Longbottom

what in the flippity fuck

>mfw

look, i've read fanfiction with a better plot than this, and im sure that i can find one with this exact plot on FF or Aoyo

> Yfw a self aware high budge my immortal parody would actually be better this this

IT....WAS....DUMBLYDORE!!!!!
"What the fuck are you doooiiinngg"

hasn't leaked yet. It comes out official on July 31st or something

>Harry Jr and Malfoy Jr being BFFs
>Malfoy Jr wanting to fuck Hermione Jr
>time turners being plot points
>Cedric being relevant
>Voldemort having a secret daughter
>Harry being a terrible person
>Ron being irrelevant

It's like Rowling took the most popular stuff about HP fanfiction and made it canon. All that's missing is Harry dumping Ginny for Hermione.

The last name is usually the one that gets remembered and treated as official, dumb cuckposter.

>When you read "Harry Potter" you are, in fact, trained to read Stephen King.

what did he mean by this

>All that's missing is Harry dumping Ginny for Hermione.

Honestly surprised that didn't happen considering Rowling has been dissing Ron/Hermione for years. It's pretty clear if you read between the lines that Ron is based on someone she liked in High School as Hermione is her self insert, and with the benefit of hindsight she regrets using the books as an outlet for her fantasies.

>All that's missing is Harry dumping Ginny for Hermione.

That would actually be an improvement

> Dobby watching snape and lupin fucking in the hallway

I want this
I'd pay to see it

You're confusing a hyphenated last name with giving the wife's maiden name as the child's middle name. This is the latter.

>time traveling magical cuckold plot

Did Rowling hire a literal 14 year old fanfiction writer to script this?

Only if they got Michael J. Fox back.

all were missing now is inheritance, Ancient and Nobel Houses, dumbledore bashing, harry being related to snape somehow.

>harry being a terrible person

he was always a dick, but he was inherently a good person

>Ancient and Nobel Houses

Pretty sure this is something in the American wizarding school.

You can't be serious

Bitches love the BVC

>peerage in America

as an american, this ruffles my stars and stripes. i sincerly hope that they don't have a peerage-system for American wizards

oh thats really fucking cool but what if i fucking told you that when they went back to fucking present day reality was fucking different and Albus didn't fucking exist anymore so they actually fucking did fuck up and had to keep trying until they reversed all their fucking shit

That happens in one timeline.

>fanvitipn
After reading this synopsis I want whatever it is you're drinking

God, how does it fit with how the time turner worked before? If you used the time turner to meet yourself you would FIRST meet yourself and THEN, only after, use the time turner.
And now it's completely different. Fucking hacks.

what's with the Sup Forums autist ruining every harry potter thread on Sup Forums

>Voldemort impregnated Astoria, Draco’s wife

Also you apparently dont have to bother spinning it anymore, since they go back like 20 fucking years.

>Imagine how awkard it would be to act this shit out in front of people. Holy fuck.
This could only be worse if it were a musical

Voldemort didn't do anything wrong, it's natural for wizards to rule over muggles and mugglemixing is pissing away your magic

You know, the subplot of the girl that turns out to be the secret daughter of the two most evil characters in the series could have been a well told story about a person having to deal with such shameful heritage, everyone seeing her as a monster when she is just a kid but instead apparently she is pure evil as well.

Almost as good as that "alternative ending" to the last book where Harry becomes headmaster of Hogwarts, Ginny transfer her mind to a bird to avoid aging and Voldemort is reincarnated as one of the new students.

That card applies as well to Ron, Snape and Rodolphus Lestrange

but I am

>So unless Draco shoved his wand up Voldy's butthole to stimulate his prostate and make him jizz while his flaccid penis was shoved inside Astoria's cunny

>but instead apparently she is pure evil as well
Try to remember how many publishing houses passed on the first book before Scholastic Book Club picked it up.

yeah, it could have been like a reverse-harry situation. harry had to deal with being famous, the "boy who lived", everyone thinking he was some kind of born hero. the girl would have the opposite problem, being infamous from birth and having everyone think she's a born villain.

This is the most convoluted shit I have ever read. I stopped about halfway through. Did I somehow end up reading an autistic emo middle schooler's fanfiction, and not an actual play script?

>he is incapable of love
You don't need to be in love to stick your dick inside a hole, kid

>you need to love the girl to get her pregnant

if only m8

>love potions routinely fuck with people in the book, including almost killing Ron
>Ron gifts a love potion to Harry's son
Did he hate Albus or something?

he was a bill cosby fan

How do you think he got Hermione to fall for him instead of the golden hero?

Holy fucking shit, this is retarded and I say that as someone that legitimately thinks HP is probably the best children's novel series of all time

For real though. Are there actually people that think this is good?

Apparently it got good reviews.

I still hope that this is all a ruse and that the actual play is about something else.

This. The real thing cannot possibly be so needlessly moronic.

I mean it got good reviews from people who paid 8 million pounds to see it on the very first night.

>leave potterkino to me

TL;DR

>Harry's son is a scrub.
>Draco's son is a scrub.
>They become scrub friends.
>Harry is a horrible father and a terrible employee.
>Hermione is a nagging boss.
>Ron exists.
>A time turner is found.
>Cedric's father wants it to be used to save Cedric. Harry refuses.
>Cedric's cousin honeypots Harry's son and Draco's son into stealing the time turner to change back time
>They do
>They mess it up evey single time
>They finally manage to undo their fuck ups and decide to destroy the time turner.
>Cedric's cousin is in fact Voldemort's daughter and steals the time turner to go back to the day Voldemort killed Harry's parents and stop him because that'll make him immortal somehow.
>Everyone travels back in time to stop it.
>Harry is overpowered and has to be saved from an 11-year-old girl by his scrub son.
>Everyone watches Harry's parents get killed again.
>Return to the future and go back to being miserable adults and their scrub children, but now they at least tolerate each other.

>grill Voldemort will never seduce you into helping her save her dad

>Making wizards an allegory for the LGBT movement.

Eh... Not feeling it either.

>implying werewolfism isn't an allegory for aids

Forty keks

JK fucking Lucas-ed all over the place because no one gave a shit about her "gritty" detective novels

does it say why hermione is black?

Her race was never defined. The author even BTFO the "white face" thing because it was obviously a "scared" synonym.