Anyone got tard stories? I'll start with mine from this week

Anyone got tard stories? I'll start with mine from this week.

>Be me
>17 yr old normie fag with normie gf
>get in fight with gf and I'm hysterical now
>throw knife in my kitchen and it breaks a window pane on the door.
>break down and cry
>mfw i have to come clean and tell my dad

I call him and he doesn't answer

>realize that I can get away with it by simply making up a lie and saying it wasn't me.
>Call him and tell him i was being a beta fag playing cs and heard a loud noise, was scared and finished my cs game like a beta fag and then checked
>tell him it looks like someone shot something like a bb bc theres a small hole
>HolyShitHeBuysIt.jpg
>realize there there is both an outside pane of glass and an inside pane of glass and the outside isn't broken
>Fuck
>Im screwed pt2
>start to panic
>"Okay user, you just have to break the other window too." i say
>Run and grab hammer and break the other window from behind my house

I made sure no one was outside, driving by, or could see me while I did this, as I live in a nice neighborhood.

>fast fwd two hours when im at football game with gf
> text from dad "I think user got mad and broke the window by throwing something at it, hes been very angry lately."
>respond back "im not retarded enough to break a window, let alone two panes of glass."
>"Okay user, I'm sorry. Forgive me?"
>mfw i am retarded enough to break two panes of glass to not get in trouble
>mfw he apologizes for being right
>mfw when i got away with it despite the odds

ask for proof and you shall receive.

>be (you)
>be tard and post age on 4chin

709846573

fuck, you got me. gonna repost w/out age

topkek.bmp

>709846573
fail

yea I got a bunch of stories about myself

this thread is a tard story in itself, OP could have TURNED 18 this WEEK

But you dont feel the need to share

i'll tell some I just forgot bout this thread
so I was at this girl's house, her name is something
I used to be friends with her older brother
there's like 5 guys there and idk how many girls (2?)
for some reason I decided to strip naked and run down from the second floor to the first floor
was going to enter the main part of the house
but I she drags me and locks me out of the house
her brother in a few minutes looks out the door
"what the fuck r you doing?" he asks
somebody brings me and dresses me like Christipher robin in anal and the pirates of the caribbian 5

so we're smoking pot & get into this van with this chick driving
we're with this looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooser Gareth & he says something to me, it sounds like he's insulting me or some1 and calling them a "Jew". I was offended because that's not cool. turns out he's jewish
so i'm blazeddd & he gets on his phone and he's (I think) trying to find somebody to beat my ass
keep in mind I was 120 lbs and this guy was like 6 2 200 lbs
so we're playing hackey sack and he's like "look at him" like 50349384 times, kinda indicating me to this girl I didn't know
nobody ends up beating my ass but that was a terrible night

I'm the biggest tard here for reading this shit stain story

call me "Jimmy Bones" because of the next story, goes into how I found the nexus and why I never returned
I was sick of life and wanted to be a Harvard student
so I hop on a train without telling any1
I ride across the country but decide to stop in NYC cuz NYC is SO beautiful
I end up feeling guilty as fuck that I got there using SSDI money even tho I decided to take it to punish the government for institutionalizing me
so i'm in NYC and i'm wearing these clothes I didn't earn

so I decide, I gotta keep the pants, but i'm gonna take off my underwear on a crowded street
SO I try to take off my underwear with my pants on
in manhattan during the early morning
I break my credit card and am walking shirtless through manhattan to the coast
I have no shoes on
I kept only a penny
I planned on walking back to where I came from, no matter if it took years
SO I can't take the bridges or anything because I don't know how to build a bridge
so I dive into the hudson

Here's an actual tard story

>Be a few years ago
>Take bus to and from wageslave job instead of driving
>Bus ride was never anything special
>Well, almost never
>Every so often a trio of tards would take the same bus as I
>Not retarded to the point of being unable to function, but something's very clearly wrong with all of them
>They always had some shit going on in their lives, and they had just enough of a lack of volume control that everyone on the bus would hear what's going on

Too many examples to count, but here are a few
>1. One of them bought a DVD copy of Annie to give to another because he heard the guy's mom likes the film
>Second guy denies the claim vehemently, to the point of getting enraged (No tard violence though)
>2. Same guy is showing off his new Yu-Gi-Oh card binder
>Dude is nearly shitting himself with excitement over this thing
>Wouldn't have been surprised if it stopped being "nearly"
>3. Another one of them has a fucking skateboard with him and is showing it off to everyone
>Cannot fathom how he's allowed to have it, unless he was blessed with tard stealth abilities and stole it (dude was weird, even within the trio)

The bus ride was miserably boring, so it was practically a goddamn impromptu sitcom whenever they showed up. They didn't seem outright dangerous, but never seeing a mentally sound person with them left me wondering what was going on. I ended up moving after a few years and, while things are much better now, I do wonder what new antics the Three Musketards had gotten themselves into.

there was this guy, I feel bad about this story btw, and he put on this girl's shorts w/o asking her, backwards. so he's on the swing and he's swinging and he's like "technically i'm boning her in the butt" & he has a boner, so I take a rock and place it on his dick

Montheroni banneroni for posti.g your ageroni xDDD

so i'm at six flags and i'm telling a Robbie rescuer story (basically a story that I make up as I go along) and this guy tells me to shut up or he's gonna beat my ass
that's the end of the story, but i'mma tell a Robbie rescuer story here
Kritznitz, a clock-fixer, and an old man, is also a pretzel swiper. Other old men, little kids, the whole shebang. One time I was out with my cape on (a towel), throwing hay at innocents & totally destroying the reputation of the trowel, when I see him, past a wall of hay, switch a pretzel bag with this gross looking note that said "thanks for the pretzles" from a innocent looking old woman
obviously I was not going to take this. so after I was done throwing hay at the old lady I was on the case.

yea I was talking to this chick and she said she's not attracted to me because i'm not holding a musket
I grab Musk and was like "I've never seen his dick"
that's not what she meant
so I grab Musk and he talks about colonizing mars
so she laid me

I was at this foozball tournament
with a bunch of meatheads who were all in2 me
i'm the best at foozball but only when we're not listening to fugazi, that shit is terrible
so fugazi comes on and i'm dancing cuz i'm just glad i'm not playing

this is when the Distillers walk in. those god damn alcoholic punks
so what do I do? I pressurize the keg.............!

this genius named Patrick starts spraying it in his mouth
no
so I decide to start a war between the jocks & the punks by spraying them with the keg
this backfired because Elon Musk
so I am being chased by those dirty diapers (the punks & the meatheads) when the great song "Only One" by the band Yellowcard comes on
i'm still being chased
halp

Fearing the reaper is stupid says god
for you are a revolver

bitch was homeless

I grab my crotch
"Jenny Humphrey's still a virgin?" I wonder
ambling disgruntledly I realize if this is true, I must not have fuckdaher
fuck durhur

>musketards
/thread

the circle of life:
fuck>durhur

threads up from snuff bitch

Fred Durst the gentle giant turns into a tree
treefitting treefittings

An angel takes over the airwaves
he's a real stinker
he says "imma stalk u" to the radio audience at large
so they scatter
but he's not having that cuz he's a Jahova's witness
but then he gives up
not cuz he couldn't follow em all at the same time
but because he realized he was a Jahova's witness

I was at State Fair and this carny's like "you ever fuck a girl in the ass? nice and tight" or some shit
shit was so fuct
later that night I lost my wallet on a ride
couldn't pay the cab fair (treefitty)

hay, if the tree fits

u evr hear the story of the galopagos farting tree?

Once I went to a escort who was drinking alcohol (hard liquor) in the morning
she said I could fuck her ass but I heard her wiping her ass in the bathroom
disgusting

what does it mean when the sum is 41?

It means you have a fat lip

once I went to a escort and it was this fat uggo and she said she only fucks for 1500/\
srsly?
she wouldn't let me just wing her so I spanked her butt 1 time shit was gay

Ex.Doris
ne1 ever tell G-Eazy to quit catching feelings?

if it's your first night at fap club, you HAVE to fap.

You can't claim you're a normie with this display of pure autism. You're a total sperglord.

Are you really just 3 ppl talking about shit stories ?
The 17y/o boy thinks he's interesting now. Let this shit 404 already

go back where you came from, newfag