ITT: we talk about things that are so easy we shouldn't have fucked up, but did anyways

ITT: we talk about things that are so easy we shouldn't have fucked up, but did anyways

>be me 30 minutes ago
>hungry as fuck
>reach into drawer and pull out ramen noodles
>talking to roommate as I'm doing this
>put ramen in bowl and break it up
>go full autism and put in microwave without water
>close door microwave on high 3 minutes
>while waiting for the microwave start to smell something
>"the fuck is that, it smells like shit"
>"i don't know user, could be something out the window"
>ignore it and continue waiting
>microwave dings
>open microwave
>gaze at my retardation as I just have dry burnt ramen in the microwave
>Kitchen still smells like shit, I fucked up perfectly good ramen

Never let my autismo ass in the kitchen ever again

I did the exact same thing with cup ramen at my friend's house years ago. You're not alone in your autistic troubles.

Also The Game.

Saying I love you to my parents before they died.

Making cereal with water instead of milk

fucking hell.

:(

triple dubs of sadness

but fr don't drop bombs like that faggot.

Ok

> Having people over
> Decide to make a frozen pizza
> Everyone is in the kitchen
> Having fun talking and drinking
> Pizza is ready everones hungry
> Go to take pizza out of oven
> Drop pizza on oven door
> Burning cheeze sizzles as pizza drips upside down on oven door and rack
> Everyone laughs
> Mfw they still bring up my "awesome pizza making skills"

>Taco night with the boys before camping
>Coming back from Costco, 3 cars worth of stuff
>In charge of bringing taco shells in the house
>Autism kicks in as I drop all the boxes
>Why not just eat the spaghetti pouring from my pockets?
>End up making taco salad instead
>Still get shit for it after 2 years

Feelsbadman

>be me
>18
>Fag
>Met another fag
>It's ok we both the homosex
>Leave for military shit
>Only have his number in phone
>Drop samsung uxo
>Samsung blows up
>Lost his contact
>Is across the country right now
>I lost my one chance at love
Kill me

Fuck you I was gonna win

>be me
>get hungry
>decide to make ramen
>get a bottle of water from a pack
>I don't use tap because it tastes fucky to me
>pour water in pot, place it on the stove and wait for it to start boiling
>start noticing a fruity smell in the kitchen
>ignore it and place ramen in now boiling water
>ramen cooks for a couple of minutes
>take a noodle out to test if it's done enough
>eat the noodle
>"eww what in the fuck"
>look over at bottled water
>raspberry flavored water
>I boiled ramen in fucking raspberry water

>be me
>job interview
>residential counselor at mental health facility
>three people interviewing me
>awkward as hell
>they give me a scenario
>ask me what I do first and in what order I do it in
>"user, you've got a patient who needs to take his medicine; there's someone on the phone threatening suicide; and you've got something on the stove cooking... what do you do first?"
>autism level 9000
>"well, I'm Italian, so the cooking comes first!"
>everyone gasps
>no one laughs
>mfw I'll just see my way out

Suicide is the only option here

I still facepalm

>hanging out with some guys
>bored
>no booze no weed not a lot of cash
>lets throw in on a pizza
>brilliant
>I'll drive
>get pizza
>attempt to hand steaming hot pizza to passenger
>dump it all over center console and between seats
>much rejoicing

So you don't even know his name? Yeah. Sounds like true love, dipshit.

what a waste of a perfectly good $.20

done that

Thats what you get for not loving your body.

>be me in 7th grade
>had huge crush on this 6/10 redhead
>valentines day rolls around
>buy her a rose anonymously through school
>they get handed out on valentines day during TA
>as i head to my locker she confronts me asking me how to spell her name
>being the derp i am i responded with a quick and swift "how the fuck should i know?"

Turns out i spelled her name wrong on the rose. She was trying to find out if it was me and i just went full retard.

Ahahah these are fucking awesome my night is made

Top Ramen is best eaten raw. Broken into pieces and mixed with the dry sauce

>dry sauce

>couple friends come over
>drinking and smoking weed
>decide to make a frozen pizza
>oven goes off and we all go to the kitchen
>reach in oven with bare hands
>FUCK.jpg
>fling pizza
>sizzling hot pizza lands on friends chest
>unburned friend drives us both to the hospital laughing the whole time
>nurses and doctors all laugh at us
to this day they still won't let me cook anything when we're together

>Be Balis "Bulgarians on the slack get the rack" II
>Get tired of the bulgarian "Empire"s shit, conquer them
>Don't finish the job
>Bulgaria still exists

>be me
>about to lose my virginity
>unroll the condom all the way
>blow it up like a balloon
>tie it off and start raw dogging her from behind
>she's got her face in the pillows
>tell her I'm gonna cum
>put the condom balloon next to her ear and pop it
>she leaves and we never have sex again

On the bright side, I technically lost my virginity

Put a cookie in the microwave for a minute and a half.

I thought I was the only one who did this! You mean like Chips Ahoy right? I put 4 of them in the microwave for like 13 seconds and they're perfect.

You asshole, I hope you're friend drop boiling water on youre dick ao your be sorry.

I do know his name ffs

We never win anyway

No it was a homemade cookie but it almost started a fire because it was in there for so long lol.
>gatlinburg

it's not like i did it on purpose

>3 minutes
>not 5 so it will boil
fucking casual

Pizza gate

Yeah I learned to not microwave Gordon's fish sticks according to the oven cook time. Those motherfucking fish sticks caught on fire at around 8 minutes and I realized they were flaming at 9 minutes. The ENTIRE house smelled worse than dog shit for like 3 days.

FYI don't microwave fish sticks that require being baked in the oven.

I want to smell boiling raspberry flavored water now

Lol

On the bright side, your phone saved you from potentially getting AIDS

Oh you can nuke them... just not for that long, and even if you wrap them in paper towels they will still be squishy and limp

Burned/melted my laundry.

>Smoking weed in my friends backyard
>drop some on the ground
>pick it up and notice more
>check my bag to see if any fell out
>Keep picking more and more
>heymantheresabunchofweedhere.jpeg
>pack a bowl and it tastes like shit
>Turn on the light and see I was smoking rabbit shit

>be 13
>7th grade
>first gf
>popularkid.jpg
>after math class
>we're talking
>leans to try and kiss me
>"What are you doing?"
>"o-oh nothing"
>realize years later
>she was trying to kiss me
>remained beta kissless version since
>she hit puberty and looks smoking
>23 now

The fuck is dry sauce? You mean the chicken flavoring, dipshit?

I considered trying it again. The horrors of that smell still haunt me and i just can't risk that happening again

This thread is gold. I'll add some of my autism.
>Be 14 freshman in highschool
>Hanging in the band room after school
>7/10 chubby with big knockers
>"user, you need to learn to be more outgoing like so and so. Here, grab my boobs"
>Ehhh, I can't.
>"Why?"
>I would look like a perv
>"Sounds reasonable"
Took 4 years after that to lose the V card

Dubs checkum

Same thing happens to my dick.
Must be the paper towels.

>be me a few nights ago
>making chocolate chip cookies
>came from Denver where shit would come out flat unless you added a lil extra baking soda and flour to it
>live in Seattle now
>6-7 whiskey-cokes in
>add way too much flour to cookies
>cook time went from 10 mins to 18
>came out super round and not all the way done
>roommate and girlfriend mad
>mfw

Shits gonna stink for weeks faggot

>be me
>work for school newspaper as a sports writer
>late night with the writing team
>one of the girls goes to make ramen
>i go to the bathroom
>when i return, the room smells like complete shit
>some smoke is still in the air
>bitch is crying about it
>have to finish my article in the shit smelling newsroom
>could still smell it weeks later when the semester ended.

Washed a nice and expensive woolen jumper my girlfriend had bought me as a gift, it shrank to her size, gave it back to her.
Felt bad about it since.
Did the exact same thing with some nice pyjamas she had given me.

Broke the zip on her favourite coat, when trying to unstick it.

Wanted to stick it in her pooper, she said no, and went to the bathroom to have a shower.
I thought "no female is going to control me", masturbated in a condom.
She came back a minute after I had finished, told her i just had a wank, she told me she had just cleaned out her pooper in the shower to be ready for me.
Only ever stuck it in there twice, felt good and she liked it.

Too many regrets to mention.

>Be me
>Fucked up in the head but high IQ don't pay attention to shit other people say.
> Walking up to back door, some people tell me it's locked.
> Didn't hear what the said, don't even bother to ask "what?" so I just nod and pretend I hear them and proceed to walk up steps to door.
> "It's locked"
> "Oh okay, (Fuck)"

I'm going to kill myself someday and I'm going to like it.

>dry sauce

>in college years ago
>partying with alcoholic roommate
>he blacks out each time he drinks cuz no chill
>working on his 4th DUI now from what I hear
>blows like whole weeks pay at bar
>he loses his _shoes_ on the walk back home, wasn't even like 14 blocks
>I wake up next morning to microwave some burritos or something
>open microwave
>find entire Freschetta pizza in there, half melted
>he is passed the fuck out on the couch still
>fucking idiot

rofl

>be like 6 years ago
>summer break fuck yeah
>up all night playing vidya
>in the kitchen at like 5 in the morning
>dad's getting ready for work
>he leaves
>decide to get something to eat
>see that the panty door is closed
>afraid that dad's planning to jump out and startle me
>can't eat breakfast because I know dad's planning some infantile bullshit
>this goes on for over an hour until I realize how stupid I am

*pantry door

FUCK

>the panty door is closed
can't be eating pussy tonight, user

Dude I fucking hate when my friends do that.

I literally say something and they just continue doing whatever retarded shit they're doing and go,'huh? oh ya man.'

The problem is they don't even recognize what they did they.

>be dumb ass me
>hungry
>tries to cook mac & cheese for the first time
>boils water and cooks pasta
>wonders how a 3/5 cup of milk is gonna be enough for the cheese sauce
>"oh maybe I'm supposed to leave the water in"
>doesn't drain the water
>pours milk, butter and cheese flavoring alongside the water
>spends 10 minutes trying to thicken it, with no results

I'm my defense, the box never said anything about draining the water.

I just thought that panty door was some stupid British slang for pantry door until you corrected yourself

Make a big pot of chili, add a butload of cinnamon because it looks like chili powder. Mfw

I hope you made lotsa spaghetti

I'll take things that never happened for five John

no, you don't have a high iq, all you've got are multiple autisms.

are you american?

Hi, this is the police. We just found the dead body of someone who read your post and killed himself from absolute boredom.

That you try to make it sound 'b cool' by talking about pathetic alcoholism halfway through an absolutely fucking dull and irrelevant story about nothing makes it even worse.

Here's another example.

>be me this week
>be in school writing an asssignment about history
>yeah history b kool n sheet to
>drinking half a quart litre pint shot of rum and sevenup with ice cream and drugs in it
>my writing goes into the margin a bit on the left hand side when the teacher told us that we can't write in the margin as some of the essays are marked by a computer and it has problems reading stuff that goes out of the margin
>don't dare chance it, rewrite it like a motherfucker and keep within the lines, even making my letters extra clear so the computer doesn't have any problems
>my teacher sees me rewriting it and has almost no reaction
>mfw [pointless generic meme I found on 9gag.jpg]

>put ramen in bowl and break it up
You're autism is off the charts

No. Not the ramen.

I want to eat raspberry noodles now

>Tfw only pleb tier chicken noodles to eat

I'll be honest, I don't trust those mac and cheese boxes. I'm not a health freak or anything, but 4 tbsp of butter is like, half a fucking stick. I'm pretty sure they mean tsp.

Eh I could see it. Right before I lost my virginity in college one girl who knew my roommate asked to make out with me. I declined, saying I needed to be drunk first. She was actually kind of cute and I was a total autist. I made out with her like 5 years later at a bar so I kind of made up for it but I'm still a massive idiot.

same, mind-numbingly boring, fag.

stop it dude.

Worst night of my life.
>be me
>be goody goody boring by the book kid
>first year in high school
>forced to go to party for friends older brother who just graduated college
>decide to play it cool and just hope I'm ignored
>immediately offered beers and bong hits
>panic mode activate, this shit's illegal for me
>they're all being so nice to me though
>grab a beer to look cool but plan on pouring it out outside
>thought the sliding glass door was open
>it wasn't
>drop beer directly into litterbox and it lands perfectly right side up
>thank god I can still drink it and not look like a pussy
>almost everyone is staring, better move fast
>snatch that beer up and chug like it's OPs semen
>turn around to the crowd and uncomfortably loudly "HEY I SAVED THE BEER HAHAHAHAHA"
>my only friend and lifeline "user wtf that's where my cat shits"
>everyone is either laughing or gagging
>room goes blurry and I feel death swiftly approaching
>huge house so I find a dark room to hide in
continue?

If you mean from the US, then no. I'm Costa Rican (technically America?)

??

I though only large city americans stop functioning and become brain dead, when instructions ain't clear enough. Common its a packet of fucking craft dinner, how hard can it be to figure it out?

>be me
>2 am
>drunk and stoned as fuck
>munchies.jpg
>live in an RV in friend's parking lot.
>don't want to sneak into the house and wake up him and his girl to cook food.
>put frozen chicken pot pie in microwave and press go
>Oh wait I forgot to slit the top like the directions say.
>remove pie and stab top with pocket knife,
>still kind of frozen so I press hard
>stab through pie, through base of middle finger/hand
>didn't realize till i felt warm blood dripping everywhere.
>lots of blood and visible bone.
>mfw i half severed my finger for a chicken pot pie.
stumbled to the hospital and got four stitches.
the british doctor had the nerve to ask me
"did you eat the pie?"

>continue?

please don't, this is terrible.

Tell me you bumped a line of coke that fell into the litter box

actually no. I hate mac n cheese, esp that Kraft shit.

nice photoshop m8

i read it as pantry.
dont fix it if it aint broken user

samefag samefagging like a samefag

Like hell a Sup Forumstard read "panty" as "pantry"

>be virgin loser
>get set up on blind date by coworker
>girl is cute, kind of chubby
>hanging out at friends house, friend and his gf decide to get some food
>start making out with girl, eventually end up on top of her
>she pulls up skirt, i pull down pants
>slid dick in
sonowiamaman.jpg
>kind of flail around, girl just laying there
>bust nut, felt good
>climb off girl, see spooge all over ass cheeks and bed
>kind of puzzled, girl has look on face
>takes a minute to realize i had fucked her ass crack
>friends come back, awkward silence
>work on Monday sucked, friend heard about issue, laughs at me
>i deserved it

...

kek

should have played it off, said you didn't have a condom so fucked her cheeks, and next time it is her turn

or just grab her by the pussy

I hope this really happened

Best post I've seen in days.

You're not the only ass cheek fucker here user

My first mistake was not wearing a rubber to begin with. I've gotten older and realize when a bitch says "its cool, i'm on the pill", still wrap that fucker up.

Sadly its true. My first sex nut was to a hambeasts ass cheeks and a set of satin sheets.

Good one.

...

doesn't matter, you enjoyed yourself.

feels good to slide between cheeks. same with tits. even between the thighs feels awesome.
be glad you didn't stick it in her vagina, might have had am std or a baby in waiting.

This literally makes no sense. Why would he play it off that way. Why would it ever make sense for you to fuck someones ass cheeks.

Top thread Sup Forums

May be cure for the cancer yet...

similar story but not nearly as bad as yours

>be about 14 years old
>summer vacation, babysitting brother
>go to make easy mac
>back before they made it in cups, just a bag of noodles you add water to microwave and add cheese powder
>can't open bag for some reason
>resolve to use kitchen knife to stab a hole in the bag
>cut inside of my thumb and outside top knuckle of my middle finger at the same time somehow
>bled a lot and had to have little brother call mom for me
>luckily it wasn't actually serious, just two small cuts
>still have a faint scar on thumb an a grooved scar on middle finger