ITT we're in an office

ITT we're in an office

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Sure is a nice day today
*opens stall*
WHO THE FUCK DIDN'T FLUSH

Do we work here, or are we just here for some unknown reason?

OP is the gay secretary.

Morning guys, don't you love working at an office on an upper floor of the World Trade Center? Yesterday September 10th,2001 was my sons birthday. How is everyone doing?

Yeah that's true, do you work here? I haven't seen you around before

Did you guys hear about Miranda flirting with Geoff at the HR seminar? She hasn't been the same since the divorce, he's married for christ sake!

-faint telephone ring in the background nobody is picking up-

Someone busted a pint of man gravy on my keyboard. Confess now

Yeah I heard that there's clear skies all around today. Shame we're stuck up here at the 93rd floor

youtube.com/watch?v=rBDwETS_jbw

does it smell like updawg in here?

Hey Bob, I am going to propose to my wife tonight. It's gonna be great!

Shitters clogged y'all

Anyone else going to the nigger lynchings?

It was John! I saw him do it!

Also rip my boy harambe

You're fired.

Wish Billy a late Happy Birthday from me, I'll bring his present round later today!

Paging Mr. Macous, please stop searching 'gay midget porn' on user's PC. I see you.

Hey, check it out. I twisted some staples together into caltrops and put them on the bosses chair. He just got here and should be heading to his office pretty soon, gonna be hilarious.

Who hired all of these shitskins?

Yeah, we can't have this language in the office Paul. Tyrone would be so ticked off if he was here.

Can't wait to spike the punch at the Xmas party with Rohypnol and rape every single last one of you faggots.

Bob, when you get home, tell your son I said happy birthday! My daughter's 15th birthday is tomorrow. She's growing up fast! -sips coffee-

That's it. I've sat around quietly doing my work for 9 years now. I've watched you maggots talk about your inane social gatherings and who you've been fucking. I've even faked a smile or faint laugh at your cancer inducing office humor. But this.... is just too much. Today is the day I get my revenge

>shady-salesman.jpg

C R E A S E D

>shoots Steve in the cheek with a BIC pen powered by a stretched rubber band

Today? The 11th of September? It's my anniversary, come on John!

Baahahahaha

Steve, don't do it! I have a daughter!

How did you manage to get a job here? The requirements clearly state "Must be 18 or over" and "Cannot be an edgy little online cool kid".

I'm going to HR.

This is great. Have you guys finished your tps reports yet?

Hey! Knock it off Ron!

Hey, guys. I brought some donuts.

Yeah come on man. Don't be mean.

-takes every single donut that is good-
Thanks! Now go finish your reports Susan!

...

Yea I'm just gonna play your tits like bongos if you don't mind. No, I don't want a donut.

You slime ridden pieces of excrement will soon know who you have been tormenting day in and day out. I know everything about you pieces of shit, down to what type of food you enjoy jamming down thier face holes and digest in your putrid, worm ridden bowels. *reaches into desk*

No, Mark, it's not due until mid-January. Stop finding excuses to talk to us, no one of likes you ever since that stunt you pulled at Kristie's 30th birthday party. Fatima still has pieces of burnt hijab stuck to her neck you sick bastard!

*GRABS BREASTS REPEATEDLY*

Oh sorry I'm short sighted

Drew, we've been through this already. Shut the fuck up and do your job, no one cares and we hate everyone here just as much as you do. The difference is we can at least pretend to get along, you're just sad and weird.

Jake, put the god-damn staple gun away!
HEY, HAS ANYONE GOT JAKE'S SCHIZOPHRENIA PILLS?!

Are you fucking high again Dave? Thats Drew you retard, Jake is in the bosses office.

Dan, nice excuse. We all know short-sightedness is when you can't see long distance things. Now go file your reports before you get charged for sexual harrassment again!

No I have dyslexia, the font on her name badge is driving me crazy!

Wow. At least I had the balls to admit I was just interested in playing with her tits you fucking creep.

Masturbation office
6C1621F
4AD4D68
5EE3269
24215AD

(the place where no mothers...)

Guys, listen to this. Some dude approached me yesterday and claimed he was a time traveller. He told me to avoid going to work today, because MUSLIM terrorists would fly a plane into the two towers. I mean come on, there is no way that will ever happen. Donald Trump running for president is more plausible than this shit.

Ohhhh yes.... long have I waited to do this.... my entire being is alight with a ubiquitous tingling of demonic pleasure. Vengeance is a dish best served cold, however I prefer mine warm and out of my penis *busts but on joes keyboard*

Mike, Mr.Not-FBI is at the front desk again.

Seriously? This fuckin guy just won't quit...tell him I went out for lunch.

Hi dude, those pillars look pretty weak, aren't you afraid it can collapse on you anytime ?

There's more chance a nigger would get elected than Donald, Don't be stupid Nathan.

Mornin' guys.
*keeps walking past

Nah, they're made outta solid steel. Not a chance, even jet fuel couldn't melt these puppies!

Donuts? What donuts?

Right..

Guys, it's the Christmas party tonight, remember. We start at 6:00 sharp, so when you finish at 5:00 you need to travel 45 minutes. You must wear the animal costumes as discussed. You did remember to get an animal costume right?

How many times have you come to work high this month alone man? This is just too much. I'm sorry but you're fired. Clear out your desk and leave, we'll send you your last paycheck by mail.

And people wonder why I drink.

Bears, Beets, Battlestar Galactica!

Two towers? What, Minas Tirith and Minas Morgul?

Fuck, by any chance you wouldn't have a backup costume would you, Gomez?

I'm going postal, I'm in the office, I have two uzis and multiple clips, I mow down everyone that I can.

You're drinking again? Part of our agreement after your last suspension was you'd keep going to meetings and keep off the booze. I'm sorry, but I have no choice; we're going to have to let you go.

And people wonder why I shoot up.

This is why no one likes you Kyle, you turn everything into a fucking lord of the rings reference. No one fucking cares, shut the fuck up.

Guys when are we doing Secret Santa again? I need time to ...prepare

Remember goys, we are supposed to have a HOLIDAY party. Remember I'm Jewish.

Hmmm, I don't know. Probably around Christmas time you fucktard.

If you shit in my cabinet again I swear to God I will kill you.

Shut the fuck up Chris, I'm your boss. One more outburst and I'm writing you up for insubordination again. You're lucky I can't just fire your ass and be done with it but I promised your dad I'd keep you.

Yo guys! Mark brought his Vive and is demoing it in the break room. Let's go! The regional manager is there too so its okay not to work.

>sips coffee
>eats donut
>"man, all these fucking finance audits are a bitch to go through. just kill me right now"
>someone shouts "oh shit where's that plan going?!"

Tommorow is gonna be the best day of my life, I am gonna see my daughter who has been traveling for 4 years. I am so glad were safe in the USA.

It's the 15th of December and we already picked names out of the hat Carl, I meant when are we exchanging gifts

And don't you fucking forget it, Sebastian. I'm going out to meet my dealer, I'll be back after lunch.

I can't hear you, my phone reception is garbage on this plane. Hold on a second, people are starting to yell and get scared or some shit.

FUCK! JIM IS HERE TODAY??

FUCK FUCK FUCK

Alright. Ok. Just..keep him busy for a while, I gotta get this paperwork filled out fast.

Uh guys... I think we're being hacked. I turned on my computer and there's a picture of a man being fisted while his erect penis is covered in semen. Who did this?

Goddammit Chris...whatever, just bring me back a gram this time, I'll give you some money when you get back.

chokes on coffe
>again

GUYS REMEMBER

It's the C.E.O's visit tomorrow, make sure your desk is clean and you all dress smart I do NOT want a repeat of last time. I don't think he'll believe me if I tell him we got raided by a flash mob of drunken midgets and hookers a second time.

If you weren't expecting Jim today, then it's likely he isn't expecting your paper work today either.

Besides, who the fuck does paperwork. We clearly have a green policy in the office. E-mail whatever it is to him like everyone else.

Why are there no Jew candles here? This offends me as a Jew.

Oh, yea, hahaha. Ok, I'll just email him, this is totally legit business between us, hahaha

I'm great, but I have to litterally catch a plane in a couple hours! Happy Birthday to your kiddo!

So did any one of you guys got the memo about the sexual harrasment meeting?

Why is this Jew here? This offends me as a Human being.

Bring it up to the Diversity Officer at our next meeting. We'll be going over proper holiday etiquette and what is and what isn't okay to put on the Diversity Tree™.

Oy vey goyim. I'm gonna sue you the same amount as the Holocaust.

Because I fucking hired him for accounting Jeremy, you got a fucking problem with how I run things here now? Is that it?

>"oh shit where's that plan going?!"
>plan

Into the trash.

Solomon go and finish setting up the de-humidifiers in your office, you've already won one case against the office. J-just cut it out.

Good. Now where's me Jew candles for the holiday party?

Hey, Steve, great job on your stuttering. Seems to be less and less common. What are you using to treat it?

Where's the IT guy my computer doesn't work.

Solomon, no, we've been through this. No candles, you got shitfaced and almost burned the office down last year and I'm just ready to go through that again.

Jim is sick today.

After watching The Kings Speech movie I tried some of the shit in there, works like a charm!

Have you tried turning it off and on again?