Am I retarded or a genius? I'll let Sup Forums decide

Am I retarded or a genius? I'll let Sup Forums decide.

>be me
>21 newly single after 6-year relationship
>become functioning alcoholic to cope
>no friends
>feels bad.jpg
>decide to go to a bar to be less lonely while I drink
>get absolutely wasted
>long island iced tea, AMF, gin and tonic, old fashioned, and a kamikaze
>stumble outside for a smoke
>hear hushed chatter at the bar
>manager is pointing me out to the bartender
>finish smoke and come back in
>manager flags me down
>"Sir do you have a ride home tonight?"
>booze-brain tries to keep it cool
>"Yeahshure I do I got tons of friends who can pick me up."
>"In that case you can leave once your friend shows up, until then I can't let you leave."
>oh fuck
>anxiety and intoxication churn stomach
>instantly vomit all over my shoes
>manager is fucking livid
>"That's it! Call the cops and don't let him go anywhere!"
>catch me if you can.gif
>sprint out of rear exit
>weaving through parking lot trying to remember where my car is
>wander around the lot for a good 10 minutes
>finally find car
>hear a siren in the distance
>shit shit shit shit shit
>i'm not going to fucking jail tonight
>still way too plastered to even attempt driving
>this is my last resort.mp3
>open the trunk
>crawl in
>close it
>go to sleep
>wake up the next morning
>exit trunk and drive home like nothing happened
>mfw crisis averted

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Good job op

About as epic as real life gets. Nice escape man, congratz on finding your car

Definitely a retarded genius. And absolutely wasted does not equal functioning alcoholic

8/10 nice m8

That was fucking genius

Wouldn't go as far as genius but bretty gud thinking if you were as fucked up as you say you were. I like it OP.

The good news is I'd doubt anyone in a sober state of mind would think of sleeping in the trunk, however the bad news is your dumb-fuckery got yourself in that pitiful state.

Also are you trying to kill yourself by mixing that many drinks? At a bar keep it simple stupid. Should've been gin and tonic all night.

Bravo, loved it.

How did you get out of the trunk tho?
(pic unrelated)

Probably the safety release

There is a little glow in the dark plastic piece connected to a metal wire that is the trunk release. Good thing it was there otherwise I would have been totally fucked.

There's a trunk release on the inside of every car's trunk since like the 80s

You left out the part where you woke up in a puddle of piss and sweat, gasping in the stale fetid air.

I believe the definition of functioning alcoholic is just that you you still go to work and maintain obligations. It doesn't have anything to do with the quantity.

(disclaimer I'm a different user than the one you responded to)

I didn't know about the safety release but assumed he had a trunk button on his keys. Wouldn't that have worked as well?

I'd always heard it used to describe the people that do stuff like drink in the morning and are still able to work and drive even though they're drunk

Yes, but less likely because fewer vehicles have them.

That should work too, as long as he's actually got a trunk button on his keys. Like my car has manual locks so I've got no buttons I can press

So I'm guessing the consensus is genius. At least I'm going to think that so I feel like less of a retard. Thanks Sup Forums.

I'm not from Murrica. Why would the police arrest you for drinking?

Look up public intoxication, really the bar tender was supposed to stop giving him drinks before he got too drunk.

If you're overly intoxicated police can arrest you as soon as you exit a bar (I think this applies to almost every state).

And some bars are also obligated to call an ambulance if someone vomits after drinking too much. Can't have anyone dying from alcohol poisoning on their premises

Yep, placed was packed that night so bar tender was hardly paying attention. If it was a slow night he would have noticed I was hammered after the AMF and Long Island Iced Tea

????WHY??? Why this law even exists?

>Go to bar
>Drink a lot
>The bar is making money
>Get super drunk
>Barman kick me out
>Barman call the police
>Get arrested (???)
>Bar lose money
>???

It's one of those Puritan things Americans have clung onto. Google "blue laws"

In america "Public Intoxication" is a crime.

I have personally witnessed police hanging out outside of bars and when someone walks outside for a cigarette (city ordnance bans smoking in bars, ffs), they round them up like cattle and take them to jail.

youtube.com/watch?v=JV-XEiUOjYE

Even with a designated driver. Even with an escort I've seen police arrest people for simply being drunk in a public area. It's absurd, but that's the law. It's especially bad in little rural areas because the cops don't have anything better to do than be dickheads.

Drunk genius.

Also find a new bar or go back to drinking at home or find some buddies to get shitfaced with.

That's just the tip of the iceberg, son. The Age of Consent Laws, as well as a shitton of other relics of puritan cultists exist all over the country. Most aren't enforced, like, in my state Sodomy is illegal. Also Orgies are illegal, and they are defined as X number of people with no socks on in a room, etc. absurd shit.

Age of Consent at least has a valid reason though. Some states are a bit crazy with how strict they are (California), but it makes sense to have some age of consent

Anti-sodomy laws were all struck down back in 2003 or so. Thing is these laws remain on the books completely unenforceable and void. You have all the red states prohibiting same sex marriage with constitutional amendments that got voided.

That's bullshit. We already have rape laws, abuse laws, all kinds of fucking laws. AoC is just some fucking bullshit that got some bible thumping fucktard elected somewhere for pandering to his belligerent puritan constituency and that's why they exist.

What voided constitutional amendment are you talking about?

State constitutional laws, check nc for reference. NC fag here, our legislation got all huffy and passed an amendment banning same sex marriage that was voided later