I know this is not any sort of place to get relationship advice. I'm not asking for that. I'm asking for input

I know this is not any sort of place to get relationship advice. I'm not asking for that. I'm asking for input

I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years and like 3 months. She is a good person and she loves me. And I can tell she loves me. And I love her very much. But I am in a me talk situation that I have never felt with and this has been going on for about a year.

We had a huge fight about a year ago and I was about 10 minutes for parting ways with her. 1 year later I am stuck with this feeling of: I love this woman (I am emotionally invested) but I don't feel as though I can or want to be with her.

Now the easiest solution is break up. SO EASY. But I know I will worry and I don't want to hurt her. I know this is stupid and I don't want to go crazy about it. I think she senses it. She asks me not alot but sometimes if I still want to be with her. And I just say yes to avoid the confrontation.

Like I said this has been going on for a while and I dont think it's fair to her to just stay with her because I don't want to to hurt her.

Anyone ever had this situation happen to them.

you and your decision by committee way of life have compromised everything the actual relationship was based/ going to be based on and now we have somehow managed to make all those same mistakes again. thats what this is and you know damn well thats what it is

Meaning?

do you remember 'the dream' last year this time?
what is 'the dream' now?

Difficult one without knowing more about the argument.

From my experience, most relationship issues can be fixed with a mix of willpower and communication. As long as both of you only want the relationship to do well and are communicating your issues to each other effectively, it'll work itself out.

For your situation that means talking your fears and problems through with her. It might not be something you'll enjoy doing, but if you want the relationship to go on without this over your head you need to confront it.

She is trying to start that process by asking you if you're still happy with the relationship. By saying yes, you're not communicating your problems with her and you're allowing this to become dragged out and a bigger issue that it needs to be.

Again, it's hard to give advice beyond that without knowing more, but talking and being sincere is important here. You might both end up talking about stuff which is hard to deal with, but if neither of you are trying to out and out upset the other then you'll get through it.

I don't have a dream. I just feel trapped. All up in my feelings type shit

thats not true. now youre the one shutting down on me

She has an anxiety problem and uses me as a mental Puchong bag. She also uses me for alot of stuff like money but she's not a goldigger she's in a difficult situation herself. She's also not the person I thought she was. She also wants to control aspects of my life that don't need to be controlled.

That's a really really short version

I don't know if I understand what you mean by dream. I mean. Ya...I just don't know

once you think about leaving a woman you will never go back to the previous state. That thought will always fester and be in the back of your mind. Trust me, today my dad, married to my mom for 33 years, told me if there is any inkling of a doubt, do not get married or maintain a relationship. It may hurt but you're not doing her a favor by maintaining the facade that you're committed 100%

I know. And it's the fact that truly I love her. But I would rather not hurt her. This is so bad I know.

My friend explained it to me this way. Do I want the lick now or later because sometimes if you really love something you have to let it go.

I'm having such a hard time accepting that. My spiritual practices teach me to accept everything. And...I don't know this one is really doing me in. Mentally.

>She has an anxiety problem and uses me as a mental Puchong bag.
you have literally thrown me under the bus everytime. this shit with the job? this fucking shit now? you could have stopped it but you didnt?

>She also uses me for alot of stuff like money but she's not a goldigger she's in a difficult situation herself.

what else is left at this point?

>She's also not the person I thought she was
yeah even with this surveillence and being my only external source of stimuli im still a mystery. okay

>She also wants to control aspects of my life that don't need to be controlled.

this is just not true. refresh my memory do i have a flir on your bed or do you on my bed.

nice trips, but you're just prolonging something you know you will inevitably do. Whether or not it's now or 33 fucking years down the line, as my dad is now considering, it wont become easier, only more difficult. If you really do care for her, you'll cut it off if you truly feel you cant reciprocate those feelings of earnest love she provides.

what was the argument about?

Confused

im pretty sure this guy is mentally ill

Thanks for clarifying. I've got anxiety myself so I know how hard it can be to keep a relationship going alongside it.

If it's about money, you need to ask yourself where your priorities are. Would you be happy being broke but with her? Would you be sad being rich if it meant she wasn't around? That question has a different answer for everyone. With me, my wife works to support us as my anxiety makes it hard to bring home a paycheck regularly. It means we're skint all the time but at least we have each other. Are you happy doing the same for her? I think it's easy to get worked up over this kind of thing when you're down, so try and work out whether you're projecting your other issues in the relationship onto the financial side of it.

As for her using to to vent, draw up some boundaries. Are you happy with her doing it a little as a means of coping with her condition, or does she need to find another outlet? It could be that toning it down a bit allows you to cope with it fine. If not, see if you can work out another way for her to get that same kind of release. If you can't deal with her now, you won't be able to deal with her if she bottles everything up so some kind of 'punching bag' is important. You just need to ask yourself how much of that you can deal with personally.

From what you're saying, it sounds like you're happy to support her but feel overwhelmed at how heavy that gets both financially and emotionally. You need to talk to her about that to work out how you can work around it. Be aware that if she's anxious she'll not take it very well, so come into the conversation calm and without resentment.

With the control on your life it's a lot more clear cut; you have every right to tell her to back off. Compromise is important if you want a relationship to work but that shouldn't cross over into one partner controlling the other. Again, speak to her and draw up some boundaries.

The argument was litteral about all of those things that I said. All within a half hour.

And it was mostly about an ex that I have not talked to in years I don't know why it was a problem but it was.

Think some faglord is pretending to be your GF.

It's funny though. We've set boundaries and she likes to push the envelope and cross them. I don't know if she does it because she forgets or she dosent care about them .

She's crossed personal lines before with my family that I've tried to forget. But I can't sometimes.

I think it comes down to the fact that I'm not sure if I can or want to be with her. This has been going on for quite some time.

I think I've partially made myself believe this

Nice trips. And I got that. What a Stupid fuckwad.

you dont want to hang out
you dont want to date
we barely talk about anything
i pretty much dont know you
you continually discourage me from getting a job
even though you are 'connected' you wont hook me up
you dont want to fuck
what exactly am i supposed to do? ask for an allowance? do nothing? ask mommy for my new toy.
im 23 years old any way of life hasnt changed since i was 17
i am beyond frustrated with this shit im sick of this fucking give me another shot at le nuclear family meme ive fucking had it

My girlfriend maintains a job and dosent drink asshole. Oh god I wish she would go to the bar with me and smoke a joint

that's not good, that's a sign of unwarranted jealousy, especially if there really was no proof of any wrongdoing on your end. Look I'd break it off simply because you seem to be losing your individuality and are slowly becoming codependent with this person (by her design, not by yours). Don't allow this to happen or you'll become a shell of a man, who you once were, it sets a terrible precedent for the remainder of the relationship. Just rip the bandaid off user. It's gonna suck, you're gonna cry, she's gonna cry, but in a year you'll look back on it and thank yourself

If you've spoke about it in the past and she's still not listening, she's probably frustrated herself. It could be deliberate in an attempt to get a rise out of you or it could be accidental because she's upset and can't help it. Anxiety is a fucker like that.

Is this a problem all the time, or only when she's particularly anxious? I think a lot of this comes down to whether or not she's simply struggling to cope herself or if she's specifically lashing out at you for some reason.

Is the relationship hard all the time, or just when she's really worked up?

this is bad too. a sign of disrespect, if she cant even respect the boundaries you both jointly set, she doesn't respect you or is lying to you when setting the boundaries about how comfortable she is with them. either way that's bad

great communication there. ill be sure to remember this

The relationship is.... Manageable...At times. But also alot it stressful. I've told her to consult a professional about her anxiety but she refused. I think that's a big problem. She refuses to get real help because she thinks I can. Or she can keep her anxiety under control troll with lashing at me. I'm not sure

Oh, and in response to your 'I think I've partially made myself believe this', I think you need to do a little soul-searching.

I get the impression you're not 100% sure what your problem is or why you're feeling so frustrated. That's fine and it doesn't mean you're in the wrong for feeling that way, it just means you're currently to worked up to actually pin down what's winding you up.

Go for a long walk or do something to clear your head, sleep on it, whatever. Have a real good think and iron out exactly what the issue is and what you want going forward, you'll find this whole thing easier to deal with that way.

I don't think she tries to be disrespectful but she is sometimes for sure. I just brush it off

You're right. I can't really pinpoint why this has been festering in me for so long. And that makes it so much more difficult

im not seeing a head doctor

this is the last time i tell it like it is

Also thanks at least for trying to be alittle helpful. I wasn't expecting that.

It's hard to talk to my friends about it because they don't really try to analyze the situation. Niether does my mom.

I didn't realize, this is a pretty big deal. I think she's really struggling to cope with it herself and is lashing out at you because you're close to her. Keep getting her to seek help, and try not to take anything she says too personally. I've said some awful stuff to my wife when my anxiety was bad and it's only when I'm feeling better that I understand it was the condition talking, not me personally.

Unfortunately you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Do try to get her some counseling or something but I get how hard it can be being in the situation you're in. I don't think anyone could blame you if you couldn't handle being her caretaker, which is how this is starting to sound.

No worries man! I'm house bound with the same thing as your wife so have plenty of time to talk with anons. Just happy to be of some help.

ive never lashed out over study/work shit.
not even once. you fucks like to twist my arm. thats what this shit is.

And that's the way if feels. I don't want to be her babysitter. I want to be her partner. But like I said. I don't think it will come to be like that.

I also don't want to go crazy and be 20 years down the line thinking of what could have been or happened.

It's also a problem when I have friends JUST FRIENDS who are female.

This is a problem. Because I don't go out seeking other women. I don't do that because my morals tell me that I'll feel awful. But she sees it as OH you have female friends? I bet you're fucking them a.lll.

If she's finding it as hard as you're making it sound these problems won't last long. Either she or you will fizzle out and snap. Maybe it'll lead to her getting help, or maybe she'll realize she's been treating you badly or whatever. I can't predict how it'll work itself out but if emotions are running this high then it's gonna come to some kind of head. If your worries are for as long term as 20 years, you needn't worry. This will be worked out far sooner than that, for better or worse.

To give some perspective, I was institutionalized for panic disorder a few years ago. I'd have panic attacks and rip clumps of my hair out. My then fiance was at her wits end too and we probably had talks similar to what you're feeling in this thread.

Couple of years down the line, I'm over the worst of it. Sure she stills supports me financially, but I don't lash out at her at all anymore and I don't even really get panic attacks.

The point of telling you that was to remind you that stuff like this is short lived even if it feels like it will never get better. Who knows, a year down the line might see her in a completely different state of mind.

This does put it into a different perspective. Thanks

youre not going to last a year like this

That's her anxiety talking. She doesn't see it like you might be fucking them, she feels that you're hanging out with them because she's not fulfilling you somehow. She lashes out at you but she's feeling upset at herself for not being good enough, even if that's not the reality of it all.

If you don't break up, she will. She's feeling the same. Only with women they always prepare for their escape for months, even years. I remember when after 4yrs my girl suddenly started dressing up in public again. Sadly I knew it wasn't for me, she was already gone fishing. Relationships and love in general have a limited expiration date, it never gets better again. Do yourself and her a favour and break up, she'll respect you for it and you'll spare yourself from seeing her slip away over the course of half a year. GL.

I just wish she was rational and saw things for the reality of them

Hope I helped user. I feel what you're going through and shit sucks. Good luck and I'm hoping it all works out for you!

Thanks for the advice anons and not being totally assholes about this.

New found (even if it is little) respect for Sup Forums

>She is trying to start that process by asking you if you're still happy with the relationship
No she's asking him to break up so she doesn't have to. You can't fix relationships with "willpower and communication". It's a phenomenon that's all biology, it can't be negotiated. If the relationship has reached it's natural death it has no use clinging on for either parties.

Unfortunatly that's her battle to fight. I know it sucks being caught up in it with nothing to do to help, but she needs to figure it out for herself. Getting her to the doc's would be the best thing you can do. I'm sure she really appreciates your support deep down, even if she's not great at showing it.

youre the one who is irrational. i go out of my way to show you that i can handle it. 3 fucking weeks. not one thing wrong. but you ignore the shit that doesnt play for you and go hurr durr nhk

I just wish this was all easier than it is

I agree you can't fix what's already broken, but you or I don't know if user's relationship is or not. I was just offering advice for him to get over what could just be a bump in the road. You don't know that this is the 'natural death' of his relationship, and if they can work through this it'll be by talking to each other and wanting to find a way of making it work. Willpower and communication.

You're just an asshole living in his mom's basement masturbating to dogs and shit. I don't need your shit.

I guarantee you she's only staying with you for the cash and prolly other perks you provide her. Never give a woman perks like money, housing or anything else that makes her dependant. If you do give her free shit, she won't be honest with her feelings even if she has fallen out of love. She'll just keep leeching for as long as she can. Sure you can get her birthday presents or small things, but you're pretty much pushing her to be dishonest if she still wants all those shiny things, whereas otherwise she would just be honest up front.

Damn

yeah i am but you made me that way

Let me put you through a year of mental turmoil and be a dick about it. See how you like it.

Dump that cunt before she drags you down into the abyss with her. You may not think so, but there's a good chance you'll be so much happier in a year. Just another chapter in the book of life, just go with it. You'll get over her once you've tasted what else is out there, as long as you can learn how to flirt again.

and dont fucking threaten me you fuck. i come here with open arms but youre not interested in that, you just wanted some more shit you could fuck with me with

been there. done that.

You know better than this user OP. He only has what you've said to go on, whereas you're the one actually living the relationship.

Maybe he's right but you should decide that yourself rather than let some whoever tell you it so black-and-white.

It would suck to take this at face value when you're feeling bummed out only to find out you were wrong and threw something good away because you were upset.

Clear your head and then ask if this user was correct.

No you came here to be a dick because you're insecure about your own existence

why dont you go clear your fucking head
make a decision for yourself

He's not. She's not a goldigger. I think she just wants the security

Yeah I believe relationships usually are best in the beginning and sadly don't get better again. Sure there are exceptions but I think we should just accept that we're all polygamists acting like serial monogamists. I still adore romance, relationships and love but people should get off their high horses and accept romantic relationships are temporary by default. Statistically people will fall in love 6-7 times in their lifetime and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just that some people still remain convinced they can chain a woman to them just so they don't have to put effort in getting puss and improving themselves.

weak. weak.

I can understand that; she's anxious and you're helping her out financially, of course she's gonna be happy for the security that comes with that. You're doing a good thing by helping her. That said the user does have a point in that you don't want to let yourself get abused for money. I just think you'd know whether that's happening better than anyone on Sup Forums, myself included. I guess just keep it in mind, but if you're saying she's not a gold-digger then I think you're probably right. She's just aware she can't provide for herself right now and is happy you're there to help.

Is this what you wanted?

And this is exactly why this is so hard. Because I love her and want to help, it's just turning shitty pretty fast

Well even if she isn't a golddigger she does use OP as an emotional punishing bag. Not an emotional tampon which is also disgusting but an emotional punching bag. I don't get why people ITT are still punching OP to carry on. The relationship has obviously gone toxic and it's better for both if they split up. She'll have to take responsibility and face her demons with the power from within, he'll get out of her toxic influence and can open his heart for people who are more emotionally stable. In the end both will profit, why delay their healing?

Thanks all. I am going to go meditate on it. Ask my higher self for advice.

You're both stuck in a viscous circle mate. It's admirable and tragically beautiful, but in the end it's futile. Let her go so she can become stronger on her own, instead of relying on, and being enabled, by you.

Tell her that! Let her know you're there for her but you're finding it hard yourself. You're a human too, you're allowed to struggle and find stuff hard, even if you're there for someone. Maybe she'd back off a bit if she knew you were bearing such a massive weight on your shoulders. After all, you're doing it for her, so I doubt she'd want to make you feel shittier for admitting you were having a hard time. I expect she's not fully aware of how she's making you feel.

Just be aware that you'll have to think it through if she has anxiety. She's gonna take it like an attack no matter how you bring it up, so think about what you want to say so you don't sound like you hate her or anything. It's easier said than done, but it might stop an argument.

your little expedition backfired and you have nothing except this weak golddigger shit. sad!

As someone who was in his wive's position a few years ago I disagree. My wife had the same talk with me, told me she was finding it hard helping me, and I realized I was being a bit of a dick without meaning too. I think his wife is just oblivious rather than malicious or mooching off of him.

Even if you're right, there's no harm in talking it through first to be sure.

sorry meant gf not wife in the first line.

I'm not saying OP should just blindly try to keep their relationship going when it's broken, I'm saying he should make sure it is broken before that point. From what he's said he still loves her, and all I've suggested it talking it through so he has a clearer idea of where they both stand. If that leads to them breaking up then so be it, but it's clear there's more to this than 'OP's GF is a gold-digger cunt who treats him like shit all the time'.

Ha. I wasn't implying she did it consciously. I just stopped providing more that I could give to my girls. I could care less about money and time, I'm talking about my sanity. I can't handle a woman's emotional rollercoasters. They're welcome to come into my world for some time, but I can't come into theirs anymore. Their worlds is filled with drama and unnecessarily depressing.

oh no i was downgraded however will i cope with this

this was supposed to be an olive branch since the new year and shit but it looks like youre not interested in that

Sounds pretty broken to me. Only one who really knows is OP though. He's prolly not even here anymore.

Fair enough, you do you I guess. I don't feel the same thing about women so I guess it's down to the individual rather than being absolute truth.

Am I supposed to give a shit about your petty troubles, OP?

...

Nope

Don't be a pussy whipped little boy. Dump her ass and the sooner the better so you can get on with life. I have found that there are tons of girls looking for just a guys like you.

>huge fight
>doesnt explain what fight was about
user plz

I love women as much as you, I just don't want to project unrealistic ideals upon a creature as flawed as a human being. I'm happy now with what I get, I'm always happy if girls come back to my place so we can enjoy eachother for what it is. But they're not my property and once they return into the world I'm always prepared to never see them again. Makes everything more precious and honest, I don't make promises I can't keep. I'm happier this way really. At least I got rid of the nagging jealousy, anxiety and paranoia that comes with modern relationships.

youre a weak faggot who is too scared to fucking make it real

OP in the same exact situation only I'm engaged to my lady. Ask for a break she needs to grow up a bit, if she flips out and makes ultimatums despite knowing your feelings for her, break it off, have some backbone and show some character she'll be more grateful you did that than leading her on. Might want to wait a week though so new years doesn't suck.

My lady and I decided to work through our shit but give each other space setting ground rules and still communicating although not nearly as often. I'm comfortable with that it's fair and reasonable, if it all works out we get stronger if it doesn't we were never ment to be and we both deserve better.

Question is: if you're willing to keep this charade on and feel bad man.jpeg but not do anything about it, you need to work on yourself and see what your values really are, and I'm talking spiritually as well.

You need to be safe in your self esteem and who you are with yourself, aka your identity with or without this girl.

Going though the same thing user, to me it sounds like you both need to grow up and the relationship is one sided.

Boom.

>At least I got rid of the nagging jealousy, anxiety and paranoia that comes with modern relationships.

You mean with your relationships, right? Bad experiences for some doesn't mean that relationships are always a negative, just as one night stands are not always a positive.

Like I said, you do you. I never said OP should do one thing or another, just that he'd know what was right for him better if he talked it through. Maybe that's leaving, maybe that's not, I wouldn't be presumptive enough to say my view on relationships is the only correct one. If you've found a way of being that works for you then more power to you.

You no longer love her and you should come to terms with that.

Damn how are you going thru this while engaged. That seems all the more stressful

i never even had a shot

I think all my previous relationships were well worth the time and effort, no regrets. But I always acted like a moralfag expecting them to have the ame honour, but they never did. A woman can become an ice queen in a second, like the switch of a button. That's how you get into nasty arguments, ultimatums, divorce rape etc. They're like cats essentially, two sides with a different temperament. If a cat scratches you it's your own fault tho. I don't do ONS's really, usually friends with benefits. I think it's the best of both worlds. Keep relationships on your own terms, enjoy life, keep enjoying multiple people instead of locking yourself up in a bubble that can potentially become a nightmare.

By believing it will get better after the wedding.

PROtip: it won't.

this is your fault

Commitment man, things changed because of situation but we got help and are willing to make changes for each other. I was wrong in areas she was wrong in areas. Working on myself and leaving her to do the same, it's stressful only if you want to be in control of everything. It's out of my control and I'm gonna do best with the hand that was dealt.

Protip: make sure you're ready for marriage if you're gonna propose.

Definitely. I'm not made for modern relationships. I'm sure many others are, but not me.

Unless things take a 180 and change then it will. But I'm just hoping for the best and I'm emotionally OK enough to let her go if that's what we agree upon. Can't control things anymore man.

In 75% of the cases it's the woman who files the divorce. You may have 100% commitment, but you can't expect the same from her. Stop projecting your own morals upon her, she has her own life and interests.

this isnt modern relationship. this is bullshit