The water slides going from the theater showers to the theaters are closed for the weekend

>The water slides going from the theater showers to the theaters are closed for the weekend

>the orange soda waterfall is always out of order

>The grape soda one is always black central

damn

>He doesn't bring an ironing board to the cinema

What's wrong with people who just sit there during the intermission? Do you not have chores to do or what

>Someone came with his owl
The fucking HOOT HOOTs ruined Warcraft for me.

>someone dropped a deuce in the Cinema Sauna

>the lemon soda faucet tastes like piss again

why always on a Friday?

>local falconry club is having a meet-up
>falcons shit in my caviar and peck my eyes out

Whenever I bring my cucumbers to the pickling station in the theater they're always out of fresh vinegar. I have to bring my own gallon every time any everyone else always tries to borrow a cup.
Does this happen to anyone else?

>dead body in the seat next to yours
>theater staff refuses to acknowledge it and just tell you to let it "sleep"
>theater staff don't let you leave until you watch all of Finding Dory

I wanted to see Tarzan

>your anvil won't fit through the theatre doors

That wasn't a club, those were the theater's falcons. They're trained to peck out the eyes of anybody breaking the no singles policy.

>Get shoved out of the way by a group of Chads and fall into the piranha pool

>theater won't allow my retinue of knights to see the movie with me

>theatre staff gave you back the wrong condor.
>too socially awkward to tell them

Well this is an ok bird too, I g-guess.

>just moved to Mississippi
>they un-ironically put pickles in vending machines and giant jars inside shops that you just reach in and grab
holy hell this state is a dump

you're lucky you didn't watch finding dory. They actually replace it with their own version of the movie where dory is raped by a shark. It's weird because after the money shot, it goes back to the beginning of the movie.

>guy in front of me can't get through the theater doors with his ladder
>try to tell him to hold it with the top in front of him instead of held sideways
>he screeches at me and keeps trying to force it through sideways

>Spectre is out in cinemas
>Use makeup to hide my Relationship Status Identifier Serial Number barcode along my forehead
>Fill sex doll with helium and hook her to my ankle
>We're both wearing trench coats, caps pulled over our eyes and holding hands
>Sneak out of our hideout we've been squatting in to avoid the No Singles Police
>Fall into line with the huddled masses queuing up at the One True Cinema
>A slow death trudge into the screening
>Ne'er-do-wells and shifty shankers spotted by the NSPolice are dragged kicking and screaming from the crowds
>Muffled gunfire throughout
>We are each handed a single ticket stub, a small popcorn to share and a flyer for Herr Great Director
>Attendants are falcons who screech and only screech
>NSP only can interpret if these screeches are positive or negative
>Take the two ticket stubs for me and my helium supported sex doll
>Nod at the falcon
>He screeches
>We move into the showing, I look back at the ticket falcon and he is still staring at me
>He screeches again
>We kneel on the pews
>We each pray as the gunfire outside cuts out
>The movie begins
>Ten minutes in a series of flashlights start moving down the rows
>Shining on me
>It's the ticket falcon with the No Singles Police
>Points a talon at me and screeches
>The NSP shoot my sex doll and eject me, but not before I am hung from the front of the theater for a week as a lesson to the others
>tfw martyred again

>bring my wheelbarrow and work tools to the theater
>assholes ALWAYS asking to borrow them

>the 9/10 qt who works there has been asigned to penis inspection today

>theater nurse smiles at you when you go for your check up

This is great.

>tfw randomly selected as the blood sacrifice to the kino gods

>climax of movie
>chimp escapes from theater laboratory and runs amok

>his theater doesn't have a ballpit

The best part is throwing balls at the idiots who disrupt the silence by loudly asking for a notepad because they forgot to bring one.

>cinema hairstylist won't stop pressing her boobs up against you while cutting your hair

FUCK

I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE MOVIE

STOP

>random drug test before movie
>cinema doctor sips everyone's piss except yours

WOW

>theater mayor gives you the key to the cinema

>watching horror flick
>some dumb black guy screams at the screen "DON'T GO IN THERE, THE KILLERS IN THERE"
>the character on screen listens to them and leaves and gets the cops
>movie ends early with no gore

ruined the goddamn movie

Why are you redditors trying to make memes?

>movie ends
>projectionist expects a tip despite the fact it's been a decade since they switched to digital

you aren't even doing work any more you fucker

>The theatre buffet is out of buffalo wings
>Go up to qt theater buffet manager
>"hey if I have to wait for my wings like at hooters the least you could do is give me a show like I'm there too

Oh god why

>Only get a ticket to see the new ghostbusters after working in the theater mines all month

>tfw got killed in the theater proving grounds

I always like to give the projectionist a firm handshake for a job well done. A tip is earned if the movie is stopped during the scheduled shooting.

>pay $79.99 for my premium limited edition popcorn
>they're all out of fermented Eva Green sweat as a premium topping

>go to buy tickets for Zootopia
>stuck in line behind conjoined twins arguing with the teller if they count as a single or a couple
>end up missing the start of the movie

>theatre's luxury penis buffing and polishing machine requires a season pass now

>be a little kid
>go to the bathroom in the middle of the movie
>forget to zip up
>couple I pass by in the aisle laughs and are embarassed after they see me
>only realize my mistake when I sit down

true story

>get in line at cinema
>try to sneak in a small bag of Cool Ranch 'Ritos since I don't have the $45 for a medium popcorn
>security dogs start sniffing around me
>start to panic
>perform a tactical shit in my pants to confuse the dogs
>dogs are immediately disgusted and put off
>plant the chips bag on my friend in the ensuing chaos
>officers resume the search, find the bag on my friend
>I stroll into the theater as he is dragged away

I think they've still got him down in the Disciplinary Camps

>go to penis buffing machine
>they cleaned it

what is even the point of using it then?

Can confirm,this is real.
You sweat all day and reach into "communal" pickle jars.

anyone else pissed off at the trend of converting cinema rooms to cinema saunas? it's the exact same thing except they just don't run the AC now

>go to local cinema alone because no friends
>walk up to the box office
>"O-one adult for Finding Dory please."
>the 16 year old girl smirks as she prints out my ticket
>"Will you be sitting alone tonight, sir?"
>"Uh.. y-yes."
>She reaches under the counter and hands me an orange reflective vest that says "Loner" in bright yellow letters on the back.
>"I'm sorry but it's policy that you wear this while viewing your film."
>"O-oh, Okay..."
>Pay for my ticket, and put on the vest.
>"Oh, you'll also need to wear this."
>She hands me a white bicycle helmet with an exclamation mark on it.
>"Enjoy your movie."
>"Th-thanks, you too."
>She and another girl whisper to each other and giggle as I walk into the cinema.
>The ticket-tearer eyes me up and down as I approach.
>"Hi."
>He says nothing as he takes my ticket and inspects it carefully before ripping it in half and handing it back to me.
>"Theater 4 on the left."
>As I walk away he picks up his walkie-talkie and says "We got a loner in Theater 4 for Finding Dory."
>A group of middle schoolers point and laugh as I walk by, but I don't care, I'm determined to see the first lesbian couple in a Pixar film
>As I reach the theater a big black security guard is waiting outside, he stops me and tells me he has to pat me down for weapons.
>As he groups my penis he laughs and sarcastically says "Go on in, big guy"
>He walks me to my seat on the front row and buckles me to the chair with a seatbelt-like mechanism which he secures tightly and locks
>Remember that I forgot to get pop corn and a drink
>Try to tell him but he pretends not to hear me
>The trailers begin and I have to pee
>The security guard comes over and asks if I'm ok
>Tell him I have to pee, he hands me a popcorn bucket and tells me to use that
>As soon as I take out my wiener an alarm goes off and a SWAT team rappels from the ceiling and arrest me
>End up peeing my pants as I'm taken to jail
>Am now banned from all cinemas in the US
Does this happen to anyone else?

I laughed for a minute at this

>Mandatory shower mate is a qt

Sounds like your women are really easy

>pay too much money for a ticket
>they make you sit through ten minutes of commercials before the movie starts.

>gumball pit is only for 12 and under.
I only wanted a razor blade because I don't like cinema barber.

Is there at least ONE cinema with showers?

>officially licensed Ghostbuster tumbleweeds are 29.99 plus taxt

>ywn be this adaptive creatively
I unironically laughed

Delete this

>vape zone is out of order
>have to use the backup vape zone

underrated

>forget to bring extra batteries for my power drill
>again

>she refuses to castrate you

>went to the theater
>it's mandatory no-single shooting day
>shot a couple that was sitting in front of me
>gets fined $50 because I came alone and it actually wasn't no-shooting single day

>in line for 10:25 AM showing of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows
>10:25 AM because no normie school kids
>it's 10:15
>see couple holding up the line at the register
>take out a Snickers bar from my TMNT shell snack backpack
>eat it as line food cause I feel hungry
>tummy grumbles, feel shifting in my intestines
>10:20
>finally buy two tickets
>tell cashier that my gf is coming later to avoid the mandatory tracking chip injection in The Red Room
>take a seat in the middle of the cinema next to the girl from the previous couple cause I think she smiled at me in the line
>feel a fart coming
>hold it in
>half way through my mega snack mix of Doritos, hand ripped American cheese with ketchup rolled in a large pepperoni pizza
>can't hold the fart in anymore
>start sweating
>notice a bunch of teen girls and a few of their guy friends all around
>shit, forgot it was summertime. fucking normies
>can't... hold..it..in anymore
>let it out with a smile
>keep watching the movie as I should
>notice that my new friends moved away from me and everyone around looking at me
>lift my arm from the armrest
>don't see a Febreeze PeepeePoopoo Absorbing - Freshness Guaranteed sticker
>lift my ass to see a dark orange stain on my seat
J U S T
I thought all AMCs had them installed.

>she

I don't live there,just passed through a few times.

>walk naked and barefoot from shower to the sky diving plane check in
>get plantar warts

Good thing skydiving nude was worth it

My local theater has recently employed a group of handlers to have their falcons attack the eyes of any unprotected patrons to try boost the sales of their new CineGlasses™. The local ushers confiscated my personal ones I brought and told me they weren't on the approved list but I was able to buy some from the stand near ticket sales, cost me $49.

Which came first -

Ranch, or Cool Ranch?