Best tales of your D&D and or pathfinder characters. Also pathfinder greentext thread

Best tales of your D&D and or pathfinder characters. Also pathfinder greentext thread

a good clean bump

bamph

My job is currently at a warehouse that ships Pathfinder books, true story.

>Friend plays a dumb as rocks Barbarian named Kang
>Int so low he can only speak in single syllables
>One day Kang picks up rock "This Kang Wife"
>Spends time smashing Rock against gentiles throughout campaign
>Help out a magic wizard who decides to grant us all our own wish
> "Kang wish wife is real"
> Rock turns into smoking hot blonde with huge boobs and intelligence of a rock
> "See Kang pick good wife"

Got the DM to agree to my demand that halflings have prehensile penises during world creation.
Killed a god by taking his last hitpoint via flicking his nose with my penis.

bumping for interest

that shit is cash bro. Fucking kek

>begin new campaign in the feywild
>discuss at great length in character how to deal with any greater fey we may encounter
>oh shit it's a greater fey
>party immediately goes against everything we discussed
>DM has to scrap 80% of his carefully designed campaign and wing it like hell because we're all fucking morons

>saitama.jpg
>"ok"

More fun stupidity
>Bar fight about to break out
>Friend decides to pull down pants and roll intimidation check
>Nat 1
>His character has basically a baby penis
>Another friend follows suit and pulls down pants rolling intimidation
>Nat 20
>Enemies run in fear of monster cock beating the shit out of them.

>Drow Alchemist, level 6
>Pull card from Harrow Deck of Many Things
>Get 10 commoner followers that are accident prone and incompetent

>Inquisitor, level 6
>pulls Elder Air Elemental out of Harrow Deck of Many Things
>Blistering Invective!
>Beats DC by 12
>Elder Air Elemental nopes the fuck off
>takes peasants with him

Not D&D or Pathfinder but Savage Worlds is pretty close
>DM has hard-ons for killing players
>Basically getting a Nat 1 results in you losing a limb or something worse happening to you
>Four Sessions in friend's character has lost both arms because of bad luck
>Next port city we get to we have a black smith attach a mace with chains to both stumps
>Friend becomes spinning whirlwind of Death

failed the quest, decided we still wanted the reward ( an enchanted weapon each from a magic armoury)

turned into a heist against the quest giver. got busted.
Dm let us decide to play a break out of prison or just total party kill for a game reset.

we all died. fucking Evan

>succeed in a series of encounters and skill challenges as the party leads an army against an invading goblin army in a field campaign
>manage to force a truce
>party escorts king's seneschal to peace talk with hobgoblin commander
>hobgoblin honcho wants to congratulate us on tactical brilliance
>wizard: thank you
>sorceror: thank you
>rogue: thank you
>warrior/cleric half-orc: Do I know goblin? Yeah. I'm going to give him some traditional worthy opponent type stuff in his own language.
>rest of the party:...
>DM: diplomacy check
>clerorc: nat 1
>DM: so, while the goblin army is carefully mounting your heads on pikes to carry at the head of their next assault, why don't you start thinking about which of these NPCs you want to be the new PCs...

What does he have against the gentiles?

Typo leading into autocorrect, eh. Sit back and enjoy the story, especially when you obviously know what I meant.

Not mine, but still hilarious

Pathfinder is for weeaboos. Get 5th!

>My character Reptoid the Legendary is a lizardman who's crafty as fuck
>at a fair in sandpoint and I'm attempting to gather patrons to a shop for money
>don't speak the common language. Oops
>idea.exe
>take out rope and attach a hook and make a throw to a food table with a plate of cheese on it
>DM does not like my trickery and says something really bad could happen if I fail, simply because he is sick of my shit
>people watching this shady lizard making a noose
>rolls nat 20
>I wrangle the cheese from 40 ft away and yank it directly to me, still on the plate and perfectly intact
>DM is at a loss for words
>crowd entertained
>gives some kids the cheese
>realizes I can't tell people about the shop
>they leave
>"shit"

Part two of Reptoid the Legendary's bullshit
>Fighting off goblins in sandpoint with group
>nasty goblins up ahead
>catch them flat footed and everyone kills some goblins
>a few baddies left
>I hit a goblin with a weapon that gave him leprosy
>he lives
>grinchsmile.jpg
>"Roll for intimidation"
>pulls bar of soap out of pocket
>DM is visibly uncomfortable
>nat 20 plus my 11 intimidate
>pushes goblin down and pulls down his little goblin shorts
>goblins hate soap
>shoves bar of soap deep in his ass
>laughter ensues
>other goblins run in fear for their rectums
>Look at goblin and tell my translator friend to say something
>DM "aren't you going to kill him?"
>no... tell him to live with his new leprosy and soap condition
>goblin shuffles home in defeat
>goblins later in the module have wanted posters of my character and a bar of soap
>"beware soapy lizard"
>diamonds.png

bamphuuu

>play with d&d with a bunch of goodie too >shoes
>there a no pvp rule, also they ar all like npc >have
>souls too and they ar peeple
>but no rule agenst >killing them
>ME dreadwitch sorceress with high cooking >skills evey npc we kill i keep in magic bag
> then cook them and the other players eat cant >do nothing my cooking skills ar mad good so >they cant tell human flesh
>my charm is almost 30
>they ask if human flesh i tell them its not they >cannot see though my lies
>profit

wut

naw

diamonds

Did the rock remember all the genital mashing, did the rock consider this intimacy ?

>A friend of mine's brother picks a priest in 3.5 forgotten realms, he goes into a cave and starts fightin trogs.

>Forgotten realms upsets people due to table effects based on environs, he casts call lightning as they chase him to a crevice.

>The tables specify if you don't direct it you have to roll for effect, he rolls a 1 everyone get's rocked literally.

>On 1 hp he trips over a snail and face plants on caltrops, even his god refuses to rez this dingus.

bump.bmp

lel

>Play a dickass-thief character called Gorm who's obsessed with money
>Gorm's friends are a mage, warrior and druid who rescued Raiden from massive gambling debt
>First major quest is getting some magical doodad from an old haunted castle
>Suddenly the party falls down a trapdoor, except Gorm
>Gorm simply leaps over the gap and continues exploring
>Meanwhile the party is slogging through several difficult encounters
>Finally they unlock a magically sealed door to the treasure room and find
>Gorm standing there nonchalantly with the quest item
many fucks were given.

>roll fresh Dwarf fighter Shamus Ironflaggon!
>in party with wizard and rogue
>start off in a war camp post battle, army is fatigued and resting
>incoming goblin raid
>goblins being weak are fought back with ease however the wizard manages to burn down half the camp with fire spells and the only person who noticed was the closest captain who ended up dying in fire
>some were mounted on worgs and we managed to capture one
>through much time and effort we manage to subdue worg and bring it along with our party, with it being as disobedient as possible
>Deserting the army camp we sneak off on to a nearby town
>on the roads we come across 5 bandits
>failing persuasion checks but not wanting to pay them 100 gold to pass we roll initiative
>bandits go first
>bandit captain hits for his first attack and crits on his second
>i am knocked to the ground at 3 health
>rogue is stealthed in surrounding forest
>me and the worg up front, wizard in back
>wizard pipes up "I cast burning hands"
>"no dude why im at 3 health i can second wind and we can flee if you cast that ill die"
>"dude trust me, you'll be fine"
>no dude im going to die
>"i cast burning hands"
>me, the worg, and every bandit fails the save
>we take all take something like 24 damage
>i am beyond dead all the bandits are ash and the worg is pissed the fuck off no longer under control
>attacks wizard, he did not have mage armor and he dies in one hit
>the rogue lols as the worg runs off and he loots all of our shit

lmfao
also trips

oooooooops

>cont
>further investigation by the mage revealed that the magical doodad was cursed
>our employer wanted it to ruin his competition without being noticed
>the party, being mostly good and not disposed to unleashing eldritch misfortune decided to swap the real device for a fake
>Gorm the rogue however had a different plan
>Gorm made another fake and tried to swap it for a second fake
>Roll: Slight of Hand: Rolls 19 + Stacked bonus' for slight of hand
>Rest of the party fails perception tests
>While the party is collecting its reward for 'completing' the quest Gorm sneaks off and stashes the cursed object in the basement of the NPC's house
>Later on the DM hints about that NPC's growing misfortune and the party completely ignores it
>Gorm however is not finished yet. Goes back to the NPC and blackmails them for loadsamoney
Gorm went on several more adventures and managed to become richer than kings before rolling a nat 1 on an acrobatics test and falling into a fiery chasm in hell.

Some say he's still down there, swindling demons out of their hard earned piles of skulls.

BAMP THIS PLOX.

>driffent game but still with goodie toeshoes gang
>eveyone is epic level im level 24 sorceress
>so much money i want a epic evil fortress
>hire millions of lawful evil monster workers
>to build epic fortress
>one of the party is mad at me for doing
>evil shit but no pvp so desids to take it out on
>my workers kill 5000 GM
>lower his allienment from chaotic good to
>lawful good he is cleric so loses favor with his
>god and gets punished
>me kek and hires 5000 new workers have gold
>out my ase