I work as a waiter and I get the same joke every time. I a good witty response

I work as a waiter and I get the same joke every time. I a good witty response.
I ask if they need anything else and more than half the time they say
A Million dollars.
What is a good witty response to that?
Pic not related

well go suck a million cocks

Lol

Tell them to fuck off with their unoriginal jokes.

Suggesting suicide is never a bad place to start

No one cares what you say. Just refill my drink and get my shit you dumb cunt. Every waitress who acts like a fake cunt gets no tip.

Then why are you wasting money here?

Aren't you edgy and cool!?!

buy a bunch of fake lotto tickets and hand one out

Zimbabwe dollars?

Thats like 3 USD.

A close friend got me with one of those. Needles to say. I cut his fuel lines right off the fuel rail of his trucks engine.

as a former bf to a waiter, I'd advise you not to go to the same place to eat if you do this more than once...unless you like extras in your food/drinks

Would that be all. Dont ask if they need anything else.

Which by the way is quite alot higher compared to normal for that shithole.

If he says a million dollar you must sleep with him, its the law. Spread the word to every female waitress.

Instead of asking if they need anything else, just ask if that will be all.

>will that be all?
Um let me get a million dollar's HAHAHA

>Need anything else?
> A Million Dollars! Hahaha!
>Hahaha I'm gunna fucking kill you're whole family I'm gunna tie you all up and have 30 niggers rape your daughter in front of you while I dismember her and feed her corpse to your wife, then repeat the process on your wife and feed her to you, then stuff you in an oven and cook you like a fucked up ass turducken and consume you with no added flavors or sauces. I'm going to find your extended family and drug them, force them to rape each other into suicide and rape all the pictures I took to the makeshift grave behind my house that I buried your families bones in, then I'm gunna furiously jerk off on your shallow grave

You better just smile and act like I'm hilarious of no tip for you, poor boy. Now go get my drink

"We don't serve your kind here nigger"

>Close friend
> Friend

That will be two million dollars sir

"And i'd like to stop hearing that a million times"

I work as a cashier when I ask if they need cash back they say this same bullshit every fucking time. I don't give them the satisfaction of a laugh I always make them feel fucking stupid for what they just said

keep a pocket full of doll hairs on you at all times, when they say the joke throw a handful in their face and say "here ya go"

>What the fuck did you just say to me? I'll have you know...

this sounds like a solution

they probably don't feel stupid, they just think you're on drugs or your average depressed humorless cashier.

Do you want to get the fuck out, or am I going to have to rape your wife and children?

/thread

nice

have a rare pepe

bring him a bag of Barbie heads...say heres about a million doll hairs you sick fuck and walk away

well, give them a million dollars then, you fuck. customer is always right. such shitty service won't earn you any tips.

>murca
worst country ever.

"Unfortunately, sir, we do not carry that much in the register. If you wish, I can get you the number for the district office if you would like to forward your request to them."

>having to bribe the employees for them not to take a shit in your food
fuck you people suck. kys.

just laugh super hard

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHahahaa ooooo KILLER joke guy!! then walk away because clearly they didnt need anything else.

Not a waiter but customer service job. When hit with this question my go to response is "if i had that much i wouldnt be here right now"

"If I had a million dollars, would I be serving you microwaved macaroni and cheese that was prepared last week and frozen?"

I tell them "I will add that to your bill. And since we work on 60% markup, it will cost you one million, six hundred thousand dollars. What else can I indulge you with?"

Small bills sir? Non consecutive?

"Sorry, I would need a dollar for every time I have heard that joke first."

>you people
just telling you how the world works, kid. You piss off or fuck with someones income you will get "karmic justice" from them

the sooner you learn to not be a dickhead to the food industry the better off you'll be

"I'd give a million bucks for a piece of dat ass"

>A Million dollars

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

my dad always tries to have cringy banter with your kind.

I think the response one of them ever gave was coming over with a big bottle of ketchup and mustard just before our food had been served. she stumbled and yelled sorry as she was falling towards my dad with the bottles in her hand squeezing them. instead of actual ketchup and mustard a bit of yellow and red string came out of each bottle. which gave us all a laugh as we though we were about to be covered in sauce

i know its not really answering your question, but its something to try

Why did u say needless to say?

i remember working for a shitty ice café.
two shitty jokes i had to listen to:
>be costumer
>wait 5 minutes in queue
>everyone is beeing served
>start shivering, smiling
>be greeded
>what do you need costumer?
>i want fried potato chips with ketchup
>we dont sell this.
>start laughing an autistic, toothless smile
>fuck off

you also were able to chose between tree different kinds of toppings (coconut, sugar pearls, nuts).
>be costumer
>buy ice cream
>do you want anything on top?
>is it for free?
>yes you can chose one thing for free
>okay i want a bucket of kfc wings on top of it
>start laughing an autistic, toothless smile
>fuck off

you really dont want to know how often this shit happend to me a day. i started charging more for costumers beeing that fucked up, they even were to dumb to realize.

do I look like I'll ever make a million working this shitty job

The wittiest response to being tired of customers is getting a serious career.

No matter what canned response you come up with now that you think sounds clever trying to win some petty exchange of wit with customers, which clearly would be a hollow win at the most since you're not quick enough to come up with one on the spot, you're still the asshole serving them food for a living.

So you tell us wins the exchange.

"only if its to fund your cancer treatment"

"Whenever I hear that joke I wish I still worked as a bank teller, because then I'd have the satisfaction of giving you a bag of fake bills with explosive ink while you await your 6-month minimum federal prison sentence. *sigh* *smiles fondly to self*. Anyway, will that be all?"

That will cost you 2 millions sir

>america
>the world

kekkety kek

"I don't know how you can get a million dollars, but I know how you can get 72 virgins."

You must be a nigger because you sure didn't read this post.

My dad pulls this shit and it makes me feel so embarrassed I just look away and try not to seem like I indulge in his antics

>*sigh* *smiles fondly to self*
Chug lighter fluid

>item doesn't scan
>does that mean it's free lmao

Amen.

Reply with "times rough so i suggest you putting your own work around here fo a million

Say:

Absolutely! I'll be right back with the money and the contract stating you agree to the million dollar loan at 5.6% monthly interest with no option to pay back for the first 7 years

Just tell them you're not quite at a million yet but close enough and haven't been caught yet, then ask for their credit card with a sinister look on your face.

ahoho

you're edgy u autistic fuck. and you've clearly never waited tables

>DURRRR IF U DONT CARE ABOUT YOUR WAITER UR EDGY XDXD

Fuck off back to your safe spaces

>waiter acts fake as hell
>don't appreciate it so no tip
>waiter retaliates like a literal child

This is why nobody respects them

>just telling you how the world works
usa is not the world

>You piss off or fuck with someones income you will get "karmic justice" from them
actually, the one fucking with people's income gets away scott free. if your boss is such a greedy fuckhead he refuses to pay his employees, and instead use free labor to then shovel the expenses of the employees' salary onto the customer, then surely the employees should be pissed off at their employer. what a fucking worthless country.

Dump their soup on their head.

That's what I'd do.

Underrated GENIUS

"Well, it'll be a million&$20 after your order sir."

grab your katana, teleport behind them...nothing personal kid

>not "nothin personnel"

way to go

Why does this shit exist, this happens where I work every time the barcode is damaged.

I try telling my friend this and he doesnt get it.
the guys been scooping cream for 2 years now, and always bitches about it.

Waiting tables sucks. Not just because it's a shitty dirty late night job where you interact with shitty, shitty people all day, but because at the end of it all after 35 years you don't get your own restaurant. You're still a fucking waiter making the same piece of shit wage. They live on tips, which is stupid, but it's the way the world works so be nice to your waiter.

stab the person in the back of the head with an ice pick

"Tip me well or everyone at your table will die in their sleep tonight"

If i got a dollar every time I heard that, I could do that

I just laugh hysterically like it's the funniest thing I've ever heard. It become obvious pretty quick that I'm being sarcastic

After 8yrs of Obeezy that ain't shit niggah. go for a billion.

>EVERYBODY'S GUNNA BE RICH CAUSE WE'RE JUST GUNNA PRINT MORE MONEY! WHY HAS NO ONE THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE?!!!!

"Hah"

delivered deappan with a smile.

fucking amateur hour here

>35 years
Waiting tables isn't a career; it's something you do while you get your degree.

Laugh like you haven't heard it before and get a better tip.

if i had a million dollars to give i wouldnt be in this shit hole now would i

the moment i find something in my food you are fired.

goodluck finding a new job then

you obviously haven't met some of the people who never got this memo

>close friend does a well humored prank on me, all in good fun
>better give him hundreds of dollars of damage because I'm a bitch who can't take a joke

Needless to say, you're an utter faggot

Just tell'em "that would be about three fiddy"

kek

This shit happens all the time.
it really pisses me off, I don't even know why the fuck this is a joke

>customer: A million dollar.
Would a friendly handshake suffice?

>steal his watch as he struggles to give you extra tip

If you want to turn it into a career you need to go into fine dining or managing. However I've seen plenty of waiters that make it to fine dining and they just don't make the cut. It becomes brutal at the higher levels, but the wages are well above median salary for some of the top earners.

Shaken or stirred?

Its that fat dude with the mental problem again

>Hi, I'm user and I'll be your waiter today
>Hi user, I'm anon2 and I'll be your customer today
>hysterical snickering ensues

>implying anybody who actually posts that shit on here has left their apartment in the past 5 years

yeah but you're trying to do that, the only reason most retards say it is because one of their two synapses in thier brain fires when they hear the phrase "Do you need anything else?"

I actually fucking hate this shit. I hate being a waiter in general.

Every time we get some 40 year old single soccer mom in we go wait on her and she says some witty soccer mom bullshit and then laughs at her own stupid joke. We just smile and pretend to laugh.

God I wish I focused more in highschool so I would have an actual career instead of this shit job. Tips are nice at least. Started getting more since I toned my ass.

> Asking how to be witty.....

Same shit applies to chefs except they don't get tips

They have to deal with faggots ass waiters taking their sweet ass time, moaning about tips they are entitled to, busy and hot as fuck. they don't get a restaurant at the end of it do they?