Sup Forums, I'm a stupid 400lb fatty with no willpower...

Sup Forums, I'm a stupid 400lb fatty with no willpower. I'm looking for ways to make it so I'm literally unconditionally forced to eat less, because that's the only way a disgusting pig like me ever would, and I really want to be thin.

Any suggestions? Things I've thought of so far:
>calling 911, stabbing myself multiple times in the gut to render it nonfunctioning, and hoping i don't fully bleed out waiting for them to get here
>licensing everything i own as public property and thereby becoming poor and homeless, which will force me to subsist on roadkill and trash, which, in addition to providing less food overall, will kick my immune system into overdrive because what i'm eating is fucking disgusting and disease ridden, so i'll burn more calories too
>hiring someone, for an interest fee, to take all my money and give it back in little bits at a time -- but they'd also have to pay all my bills since if i did it myself i couldn't be trusted not to just go out and buy a shit ton of burgers and pizza instead
>alternatively, hiring someone to take all my money, pay all my bills, buy me the shit i need, and never ever let me buy food ever
>turning puking up my meals into a regular habit -- tried on several occasions, not that awful, could probably keep it up
>coke
>meth
>smoking
>locking myself in a walk-in freezer
>injecting trace amounts of bleach
>making an active attempt to get myself thrown in prison
>repeatedly re-infecting myself with the flu over a period of several years
>legit just killing myself because if i need this much support just to not be a greedy fucking hog then the world is probably better off without me whether i succeed or not

Want some bacon?

Kys
Your body will decompose after you have done it and thus you lose weigth

Chill dude talk to your doctor about topamax

I'm with you on that last one

thanks for the reminder.
pigs are so cute and smart but also so tasty
if only i had more willpower

... golly it sure feels fucking great to be such a nasty selfish coldhearted mass murderer that NOT mauling innocent creatures is actually a matter of WILLPOWER

lol bye see y'all in hell cause that's probably where you're going and it's sure as hell where I'm off to

and don't sit at home bored all day because you will definitely overeat

thanks but not helpful, exercising is for people who aren't weak minded and morally inferior like i am, and also going out and doing things is for people who have a job or friends, and i'm too inept to handle a job and school at the same time and too ashamed to be seen to ever make real friends

that's why i need something that will guarantee i will absolutely diet whether i like it or not

Find a job.

Die

If you can't do gastric bypass they now do a simpler less invasive procedure were you swallow a few baboons and they inflate them in your stomach. After you lose the weight they pull them out.

>baboons
oh

oh dear

That's baloons, not baboons.

Alternatively, get the fuck off the computer. Get rid of it if you can. Stop watching TV too. If you remove all of the entertainment that lets you eat food easily while you do it, you will eat less, do more, and lose weight.

If you need a computer for school, disconnect the internet. When you need to use the internet, go to a library.

If you want to succeed losing weight, you have to find a way to improve your self image, so you dont think of yourself as a fatso without willpower. Because as long as you identify as such, it will be harder not to behave accordingly. A good way to boost your self image is to set small personal goals and achieve them. In the end you will realise you are worth more than the way you see yourself, and that will be a good first step.

thanks, that's pretty good, will try

>baboons

Forget dieting and hack into the DNC again.

I have an idea, grasshopper:
Starting tomorrow, you walk, say for 5 minutes. Every day thereafter, I mean EVERY GOD-DAMNED DAY add one minute to your walk. And fucking keep track of it your time, user.
Do this every day for 40 days and you will be healed.
Or you could an hero, like a dumbass. No matter how bad life is, I'm pretty sure it tops being, you know, dead, just about every day.

>400lb
>400
>four
>hundred

kill self


donot even think about any other solution, kill self ASAP

the ecosystem will thank you profusely

Topkek!

Cut soda, cut junk food, cut fast food, plan your meals everyday. Start walking.

Love, a former fat user.

tits or gtfo

try fasting

sorry fatass, wish i had some advice but i've never been a very hungry fellow myself, 116lbs on 1700 calories a day without even feeling a single growl. genuinely wish you the best of luck but until then i have a question actually

i'll probably be sorry i asked but... how much do you shit?

i mean it's gotta go somewhere right? i mean evidently it does but you know what i mean. the part you... um, don't use -- is it, uhhh... bigger?

fuck that's hot. mmm from the way you talk you sound young too

bitch boi come to my place and plop that mountain of lard down in daddy's lap. big is beautiful in my house, i'd feed you all you want and then some you greedy whore 8===>

not to worry sexy, you truly ARE a gluttonous selfish pig but that is fucking HOT and something you should be proud of and flaunt like booty shorts. Eat til you burp and do it nice and loud so everyone can tell how greedy you've been ;) Gluttony is just a nonstandard form of beauty, ur perfect bb, please don't kill yourself it's would be a waste of a perfectly good big chubby ass

come to the LA airport instead

wat

holy fuck if this is samefag i will shit myself in laughter

spend your money in a boot camp where they kidnap you and force you to hike the appalachian trail

Just count your calories, senpai. It's easy as 123.

>>extra tons of flavor
>>fuckin skreen kap dis

Wasting food and medical resources on your stupid fat ass. Yeah great ideas. Drown you fucking whale.