STAR TREK BEYOND

Spoilers from the premiere screenings.

The USS Enterprise is on its five year exploratory mission in Space. Kirk is offered a promotion to Vice-Admiral and begins questioning his motives for joining the Enterprise. Spock also finds out Spock Prime died and decides to resign from the Starfleet to lead New Vulcan.

The Enterprise docks on Yorktown, a legendary Starfleet outpost in deep space with its own artificial gravity. They leave with some minerals when they're attacked by the Swarm and the Enterprise is destroyed, forcing them all to eject and crash-land on the nearby planet Altamid, which is a starship graveyeard and is filled with different alien races.

Everyone is split in pairs: Kirk/Chekov, Spock/McCoy, Uhura/Suly and Scotty on his own. Kirk and Chekov find an old starship, the USS Franklin, which was also destroyed by the Swarm. Spock and McCoy are pursued by the Swarm and gain newfound respect for each other, and Uhura and Sulu are captured by the Swarm's leader, Krall (Idris Elba), a former Starfleet officer who was left behind after a mission gone wrong and harbors a vendetta against the Federation for it. Krall has been shooting down spaceships and using its crews to use as slave laborers to mine for a rare mineral that extends his life, and he destroyed the Enterprise because they had samples of the mineral.

Scotty, meanwhile, runs into a warrior, Jaylah (Sofia Boutella), who has been stranded on Altamid since she was a child, when Krall shot down her family's ship, killing her parents. They join forces to find the others, and they work to get the USS Franklin operational again.

is it good?

Kirk gets Chekov to start the ship and then go check the mail. It rolls forwards and crushes him to death against his mail box.

too soon tbqh

not too bad desu, sounds better then the last one

>edgey guy
Leave comedy to the professionals pal.

Please continue OP.

so you guys are like astronauts... on some kind of Star Trek (tm)?

After Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Chekov, Scotty and Jaylah fix the USS Franklin, Kirk and Jaylah rescue Uhura, Sulu and Krall's other prisoners, and learn that Krall is planning to destroy Yorktown and declare war on the Federation, using the Swarm to destroy any starships sent against him.

The Enterprise crew escapes from Altamid using the USS Franklin, arrives on Yorktown while Krall is attacking it, and manage to use Yorktown's artificial gravity to their advantage to destroy the Swarm, and ultimately defeat Krall.

The survivors of Krall's regime are returned to their worlds, Jaylah is accepted into Starfleet Academy, and Kirk realizes what his true purpose is, so he declines the promotion to keep being the captain of the Enterprise and exploring the universe with his family. Spock also realizes he truly belongs in the crew and decides to stay in Starfleet and trust the Vulcan elders to lead New Vulcan in Spock Prime's place.

Kirk and crew are then assigned to the newly-built Enterprise-A, which was being built on Yorktown.

Uhura and Sulu spent most of the movie under Krall's captivity. Also, Uhura breaks up with Spock early on the movie, but they get back together in the end. Bones gets a lot more focus and development with both Kirk and Spock. Scotty also gets a lot of scenes. Chekov, Sulu and Uhura definitely not as much.

The USS Franklin captain loved vintage things, that's why Kirk finds old recordings and a dirtbike inside.

He's got great eyeballs.

Plot sounds better as a video game, senpai.

sounds like trash

can we reboot this shit again already

Damn, son.

So what type of alien is krall?

i'm with this dude the whole reboot and different timeline thing is just pointless. and for what?

>no more Vulcan

agreed that they can take more liberty now and change stuff around, but if this is the best they can do, shut it down and reboot alreadyt!

>new series of movies
>three movies in
>already destroyed the Enterprise twice

Pretty good summary of everything wrong with this reboot.

status quo ftw

But they didn't.

They heavily damaged it twice, but it has only really been destroyed in Beyond.

wow. can't believe i'm going to say this.. but this movie sounds boring.

>Build Hollywood street-cred by bashing the Prequels
>Essentially makes Star Trek "Starfleet Academy" prequel reboot

This guy's worse than Patton Oswalt. He plays Scotty like he's Shaggy from Scooby-Doo, not the cool, collected 2nd officer of the USS Enterprise.

The entire trilogy is ruined thanks to le "fuck what gay people think I'm shoehorning faggots into this movie and there's nothing you can do about it" man.

is it true that they make Sulu gay in the movie? I'm sorry, I didn't catch up news lately

>Kirk and crew are then assigned to the newly-built Enterprise-A, which was being built on Yorktown.
What? How much time passes in this movie? They were already building a new Enterprise before the old one was destroyed, and while it was still on its five year mission?

Yeah.

Likely it's a new Starfleet ship they decide to christen Enterprise in light of it's destruction.

>Gene used to say that the Enterprise-A first seen in Star Trek 4 was a decommissioned Yorktown.

>The USS Franklin captain loved vintage things, that's why Kirk finds old recordings and a dirtbike inside

>It's a third revenge story in a row episode

Any number of things they could have addressed in this alternate timeline

>Borg history
>Finding the wormhole to the gamma quadrant earlier and encounter the Dominion
>Romulan history

I am thinking the next installment will be there eventual Kirk v Klingons with Khan revived and probably coming to Kirk's aid for some reason

>the next installment

this is most likely the last

prepare for another reboot

It's fucking sad

This is awful.

This is going to bomb. Literally no one is talking about it, and there is next to no marketing for it.

>Vice Admiral
So, they offered three promotions for Kirk?

They couldn't just promote him to a one-star admiral. They couldn't just promote him to a two-star admiral. They had to offer him a promotion to three-star admiralty.

And it's not even the first time that a Star Trek flick has fucked this up.

...

I'd fuck Vice Admiral Janeway

All the other admirals died in the last movie, plus kirk at this point is the most experienced, decorated officer in the federation and already something of a living legend if this is the end of the first 5-year mission.

Christ, this still hasn't come out yet?

What is the swarm and how does Krall use it? If Krall was abandoned on some island how is he a fucking warlord now?

>DON'T TAKE CREATIVE RISKS
>BOMB ANYWAY

Sounds like Star Trek alright

Janeway earned it.

This reads like a very drawn-out kiddie cartoon. It makes the first one look good and the second okay.

Honestly none of them, except McCoy are anything like their TOS selves.

They are all based on the "Chinese whispers" parody versions of themselves that are actually nothing like the characters in the show. For example, in Star Trek, 3 seasons, Kirk only fucks 2 chicks, mostly turns down women and is super professional, yet if you believed wider media, Kirk bangs every single alien he sees and is a reckless playboy. If you believe the media Scotty is a sort of wacky scottish guy like Groundskeeper Willy, in the series though again, very professional.

Nu-Trek Spock is literally nothing, utterly nothing like TOS Spock in any way.

If it is, I hope they go back to the "present". I don't want to see this old shit, I want to see post-voyager.

Agreed. Quinto plays unemotional as fucking angry.

The next TV series (airing January 2017) will probably be post-TNG/DS9/VOY.

The first one is good.

Unified Federation-Klingon dominated quadrant with a rebuilding Cardassia and shattered Romulan Empire waiting for the next war with the Dominion. Sounds boring desu. Especially since Janeway covered half the Galaxy. Or maybe the Federation goes on a war of aggression against the Dominion. That'd be neat.

I don't understand why they need this fucking cartoon villain of the week bad guys for Star Trek films, this isn't only a fucking problem with Nu-Trek, but a lot of the Prime Timeline films as well.

Why in fuck can't we get an actual proper sci-fi story? Films like Intersteller, The Martian, Promethius etc all beat Nu-Trek at the Box office.

Why in fuck can't we at least get a good proper war story about like the fucking Romulans or Klingons?

...

Quinto's Spock is not really emotionless.

"Interstellar" and "Prometheus" had antagonists and "The Martian" is too different a proposal.

Whatever happened to that species 8472 or whatever. They could be a new big threat. Hell, bring back those worms that infested and controlled high ranking officers early in TNG, weren't they supposed to come back at some point?

Yea, nothing ever happened with that. Probably cause it was too horror and not enough politics.

so destroyed twice yes

>finds out Spock Prime has died

I'm really not a fan of how much they're winking at the audience, what with this and the Sulu thing. Half expect Checkov to run himself over at the end.

You're thinking of Animorphs

>3 wasted opportunities for this relatively likable crew to go through deep space, just explore and go on crazy adventures and shit.

fuck

>Half expect Checkov to run himself over at the end.

D R O P P E D
R
O
P
P
E
D

Uhh Jewishness is passed down through the mothers side.

>maternal grandfather

The fuck does that mean?

how stupid can you be senpai

>maternal grandfather
his mom's father is a Jew

It means his mum's mum loved the big jewish D

Very

Just answer the question

>tfw I'm just waiting for these shitty reboots to completely destroy our beloved star trek alien races

>yfw they will probably give the Klingons a queen or some other retarded bs

What do you mean?

It's exactly what it says

I thought the rumor was that it'd feature various points in the timeline, including the Enterprise-C era

the grandfather on his mothers side, fuckwit

Why would a station with artificial gravity be a big deal?

The ships have it already.

>Why in fuck can't we at least get a good proper war story about like the fucking Romulans or Klingons?
All signs seemed to point to a conflict with the Klingons.
The first movie had a scene with Klingons torturing Nero that got cut.
The second movie had that brief scene with Klingons that implied and oncoming war.
But instead now we have... this.

Sounds like it has a black hole.

why are warp drive and ships a big deal?
they can transport to other planets.

what

It's ridiculous that they established that was possible without considering how it would surely impact future movies

You're describing Star Trek Online.

>tfw we will never have a TNG sequel to nuTrek with Mark Strong as Picard

Star Trek- Pretty fun reboot for both fans and non fans
Into Darkness- Didnt really need to make Cumberbatch Khan because it doesnt really add anything but hey Klingon war coming
This- What is this tv episode plot shit? Why would drop the war when you know this is the last one of this series? Hell I would have accepted Borg shit or Q dimension shenanigans

They're trying to cater to fans that complained the last two movies had too much action and not enough trekking.

Based game desu senpai

>I mean, it's funny. I've read that we're [set] before "Next Generation," after ["Star Trek VI: The] Undiscovered Country," which is false.
Bryan Fuller said that it's not in the Enterprise C era.

Computer, transport me from Earth to Qo'noS. Energize.

>They are all based on the "Chinese whispers" parody versions of themselves that are actually nothing like the characters in the show.
I've been saying this for seven years now.

oh fuck I blocked that bullshit out of my memory

jesus christ it's all coming back. what a horrific movie

So has Mr. Plinkett.

When did they do that? I forget.

>that's why Kirk finds old recordings
IT'S A DANCE OFF BRO

Did I miss something or what the fuck is the Swarm and how was it able to easily bring down the Enterprise which carries enough armaments to be able to destroy the entire planet that the Swarm is located on?

They took all the fun little memes about TOS...
>dude, Kirk fucks green chicks! He's a bad boy who doesn't play by the rules!
>Beam me up, Scotty!
>the engines cannae take it!
>nuclear wessles!
...and made them real.

And not even one "He's dead Jim." I'm shocked.

>"He's dead, Spock"
Wow, poetry, much amazing, so repetition, bravo Orci.

You know how I want this movie to end? Or the next one to be more precise.

With the NuEnterprise going across the multiverse and somehow saving Prime Romulus right at the moment Red Matter was supposed to do its Maguffin ability. We see the prime timeline get fixed, no angsty Nero, and the NuTimeline collapse upon itself. Could even have Q/Guinan/whoever show up and say what a heroic sacrifice it is to erase your very existence in one timeline to ensure the survival of a brighter future in the prime timeline.

Then you could have a flash back where either:

1) Kirk is joining (or graduating) Star Fleet Academy, his dad tells him how proud he is as he leaves for his dorm (or the U.S.S. Farragut if going with graduation scene)

2) Captain Kirk making the pre-launch tour of the newly constructed Constitution class starship, the USS Enterprise. After meeting his crew, the scene segways into the "These are the voyages..." monologue

Bonus option
3) Admiral Picard is hosting a peace summit with the Romulans to discuss the dissolution of the Neutral Zone and co-integration with the Federation, on account of saving Romulus and all that jazz

But none of these will ever happen, right?

>Mark Strong
tholian tech you dumb fuck

So what would a meme TNG reboot film look like?

>But none of these will ever happen, right?
correct

in star trek online travel between jj shit and prime universe is already underway

Picard gives 50 speeches, Riker sits on chairs funny 50 times, Worf gets denied 50 times

Three words: Young, sexy Data.

Truly awful, and not in a good way.

Here's your TNG reboot:
>origin story
>whole crew (except Picard) is normal age, rank and position
>except Nechayev, who is captain of the Enterprise
>Cadet Picard is now the youngest and lowest-ranking character in the film
>Cadet Picard is also a troublemaker and a hothead that breaks all the rules, but it’s okay because he has great potential and a beckoning destiny
>he secretly stows aboard the Enterprise on its first mission because he wants to see a real adventure
>he gets caught, but Nechayev lets him stay as the "Captain's Assistant" because his father was a hero
>they meet Q on the first mission
>Q tests humanity, wants to know what they’re willing to sacrifice, puts them through various shenanigans and tomfooleries
>in the climactic scene of the film, Chief of Security Macha Hernandez reveals her secret dark history as chief rapist of her planet’s biggest rape gang:
>“My real name, Cadet Picard, is Tasha Yar. I changed my name to run away from my past, to escape the haunting memories of the rape gangs of my youth. I’ve committed crimes, horrors, atrocities in my time as a rapist. Now there’s only one way for me to atone for my past rapes: I have to sacrifice myself to fix the warp core and save the ship.”
>“Tasha, no, don’t, you have so much to live for!”
>“Don’t remember me for the rapist I was, Cadet Picard. Remember me for who I strive to be: A hero, like you.”
>“Tasha! Taaassssshhhhhhhaaaaaaaaa!”
>an enraged Picard challenges and defeats Q in a boxing match, saving the day
>Data spontaneously emotes, then apologizes for his outburst
>Nechayev is promoted to admiral, Picard is promoted to captain and given command of the Enterprise
>Picard tells Data to “punch it” and they zoom off for a warp race in the Qo'noS Drift
>The Human Adventure is Just Beginning

I started writing a response to this but then I realised it already exists and it's called Star Trek Nemesis.

I've seen this before and it still makes me kek greatly. Great job, user.

damn. spot on.