Ordered a fleshlight, after years of worrying about being caught while ordering it. I'm 24...

Ordered a fleshlight, after years of worrying about being caught while ordering it. I'm 24, but live with my parents since we have a family business.

In Canada, we have these retarded community mailboxes where everybody had their own dedicated slot for their mail.
Except for when you get larger packages delivered...that's when things get super fucking dumb.

When you get a large package, depending on the size of the parcel, they'll either leave it in slot A1/B1 or A2/B2, which are the slots for parcels too big to fit in your personal slot.

I got my key (you're trusted to return the key that can be copied, and then used to steal an entire street's package) and when I opened up box 1A, there was nothing.

This means that the dumb cunt that delivered our mail today gave me the wrong key. She should have given me the key for the larger of the two parcel slots, so now I'm having to wait on a ticket that could potentially not be solved until wednesday.

My parents were gone all week, and they come back Saturday night.

This means that I need to fucking ensure that our employee doesn't get the mail for us, and my mom doesn't open up my packages like she usually does.
TL;DR

Due to delivery errors, my parents are very likely to find a fleshlight with a wallmount.
Give me some excuses Sup Forums

With a wall mount user? Seriously?

Wireless disc metal cutter or whatever the fuck its called

holy fuck

>with a wallmount
Virgin for life

Wow a real canadian. That's where Michael Cera's from right?

as an usps letter carrier, i'm loling heartily. Not saying us mail is superior, because it really isn't.

this is my nightmare friendo

take delivery info to local post office and sweet talk them into tracking package. they'll tell you where it physically is, go there and claim it.. (cdn here, had to do same thing recently with business cheques).

check'd

If she found out, just tell her its your new sex toy. You're 24 Yo, OP, act like a fucking grown man.

tell your mother to stop opening your fucking mail for a start, then grow a pair and move your bum ass out of her house, get your own place, and start fucking bitches. or dudes, whatever. but shit dude. get a grip on yourself.

You got doxed on the internet and some people are gonna ruin your life.

You need some fake threats on your facebook so it looks legit.

Uhh tell your mom not to open your fucking mail?

You're 24. Any mail with your name on it should be YOURS only. Your mom needs to learn a few things about privacy and respect.

In no way should you be living with you fucking parents at 24. Hell, I moved out at 17 and started in a shitty apartment and worked my way up to a rent to own house now at 27, it's not that fucking hard.

Quit being a pussy and say I guess you shouldn't have opened it then take it into your basement dwelling.

I guess if you had any balls you'd have moved out anyways.

I don't believe you.

Tell your mom some friend ordered stuff for him to your house, since he went on holiday and may not be here when it arrives.
Thus she should not open it.
If she does nevertheless just act embarrassed and call the other (virtual) guy a weirdo.

I have enough money to move out, but since our warehouse is 10 minutes away, and our main business computers are at home, how fucking dumb would you have to be to drop thousands on a new place?

Anybody that thinks that that's a good idea is either financially retarded, or has an inferiority complex and needs to tell everybody how 'independent' they are despite living in a dorm, or renting out a shit apartment while spending all their money on bongs and car modifications.


It's convenient

re-read the fucking post, idiot.


Anyway, it's shitty that this thread consists of people on Sup Forums ironically acting alpha, and not of funny excuse ideas.

He lives in Detroit, and was actually kicked out.

just open the mailbox with a sledgehammer during the night.

also, next time use a pickup point.

the keys can't be copied bro.

What a scene. I hope it works out for you.

Reminds me of when I ordered my fleshlight. It was delivered to the correct house number, but on the WRONG street.

Fortunately, the person who got it called FedEx and they picked it up the next day and delivered it to me.

Was a little nerve-wracking, though, when I saw the tracking status as "DELIVERED", and yet I had no package!

Wait at the community mailboxes tommorow for the postman and tell him/her to give you the correct key.

This is why you need a sex toy.

bruh, just tell yo parent if they find it that its a prank gift for one of your friends. say like 2-3 guys is in on it make up names, dont get suspicious.
If they dont trust you
run