Schizophrenia OP from last night. Asking for fucked up/Schizophrenic art and general conversation

Schizophrenia OP from last night. Asking for fucked up/Schizophrenic art and general conversation.

AMA

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m.youtube.com/watch?v=wxLNEXbOQfM
twitter.com/NSFWRedditGif

When/what age diagnosed and what's the full diagnosis. Did you start out as schizotypal?

My symptoms have been light until I was about fifteen, it matured and now it's basically getting worse every day. I haven't been to a professional yet, though that's going to happen very soon. When I was younger it was more Schizotypal than anything else, so yes. Only now has it grown into the full disorder.

No diagnosis ever? And no medication ever? How has this affected you? Can you hold a job? What are your delusions/hallucinations like?

No diagnosis yet, and I don't want to take medication. I've avoided telling my parents until I got old enough to refuse treatment should they decide I should take meds. I'm going soon, as soon as I land this job I'm about to get. It was hard, my last job was at Walgreens and I had to quit after a year because I couldn't take it anymore. I have more delusions than anything, several times where I couldn't shake the feeling I was a god, even though intellectually I understand that's retarded, I couldn't get rid of the raw feeling. I have three distinct things in my head, they're not audible voices, but they're parallel thought processes that "think" to me. No matter how hard I try, I fail to comprehend my own existence, and I have zero connection or empathy with others. It's impossible for me to comprehend that anything actually exists, and I'm very paranoid at times. Sometimes I get so paranoid people can hear my thoughts, that I do everything I can to make no sense to myself in my head.

Heavy, man.

Yeah. It sucks, most of my personal relationships have suffered as a result, and it's getting worse. I have episodes almost every day now that can include anything from rage, to paranoia, depression and anxiety. I can't eat and I can't sleep. I feel like shit all the time and I feel like I'm losing it.

how does it feel

You ever thought that medication might not help this and instead maybe you actually have some very strong potential to help yourself and that maybe you ought to stop thinking you are crazy and stop the auto denial and just go with it? Just curious

It feels like I don't exist, that I'm just a shell of a human and I'm drawn to very negative and illogical things. From the time I was eight, I've been obsessed with Demonology and magic, as much as I don't believe either of those things, I can't stop thinking that it's possible. I'm exhausted mentally and physically all the time, and the fact that I'm sharing a brain with three other "things" gets really old after years of them not shutting up. I just want some peace and quiet.

Im guessing you live in America , move somewhere else your scitzophrenia there is guru status in india

Sounds more like you have some serious self disciplining to do.

How has been a sub par human being stopped you fro ,,,,mmm enjoyingns the plEASUREas OfLIfe Fulyll?? IM CIouriosu form soem reaeasrch Imconducting on hugman comnmductr, haha

You just sound like you're schizotypal.
I knew someone pretty similar (generally speaking) and he explained how he would get those raw feelings but just knew that it was a delusion but it seriously fucked with his head. It may be that it is getting worse, as it can happen with that type of thing but you still seem somewhat connected to reality in the logical sense.

I've seen what meds do, my stepfather is bipolar and he took pills for so long, I've seen the damage it does and I want no part of it. Plus, it sounds weird, but I don't want to get rid of it... It's awful and it sucks, but I don't connect with people, I don't see them as conscious like I am. These things are my only real company, and as much as they torment me, I could never just rip them out.

Heh, I was thinking about something like that, but I love living here too much to move to some shit country.

Also, self awareness is a pretty big determinate for if your schizotypal who gets psychotic episodes (especially during stressful times or even social interactions) to full blown schizophrenia

Yeah, you don't know the half of it.

What the ever loving fuck. Kek (pic related)

Logically, yeah. But even then I falter with that. When I'm having an actual episode, instead of the constant passive symptoms, I can't logically think or not believe in what I'm feeling.

Dude, you need to like, start enjoying life more, cuz, like, that attitude is not going to contribute to your, like, well being and such, like, you seriously need to, like, get treated or something, like, It's not healthy dude man, it's not healthy

I don't really have self-awareness. I have a higher degree of self-awareness than an awareness of others, but I just don't feel like I even exist. Given the symptoms get worse with stress, but it's getting to where it's almost constant now.

Up not gonna lie if developed you will have something like a superpower, if left to shit. You will drive yourself to insanity I think, don't drink don't smoke don't drink coffee just fucjing harness your brain power, think a mage, or think a warhammer psyker. When they are weak their brain falls to the depredations of the warp and when they are strong they can take on god like abilities, of course is only allegory but maybe you understand, regardless the govt. Loves any reason to chemically lobotmize someone :)

Can't enjoy what isn't there, that's what I'm telling you. I can't go out and be happy because it'd be like watching someone else have fun, even though I'm the one doing it. It's like I'm staring through someone else's eyes most of the time. I can't enjoy things anymore.

Hearing that kind of shit fucks with me, it's what's going through my head at all times. That isn't real, but it's hard to convince myself that it isn't. Also having people like you trying to convince me doesn't help kek. I love WH40K though, badass universe. I feel like I have an abundance of raw power, just that I don't know how to channel or use it. It's very frustrating.

What do you think of pic related?

Same deal with him too. Dealing with people, jobs, anything really just put him in this really anxious state. He fucking hates grocery stores and feels like someone walking down the aisle is a "psychic attack" until he leaves and he's like "shit that was so fucking stupid" it's like the stress triggers something and he gets lost in this dissociative, depersonalized state... All he really does now is just listen to Jed McKenna audiobooks and talk about how ego and shit. He's decently "trancended" in some regards, but in others he's almost too naive.

I actually have that one saved. I like it a lot. Thanks, user.

Exactly, I know exactly what he's talking about. I mostly just obsess over things like the Voynich Manuscripts, or The Library of Babel (spent hours in there looking through random data for some important message...) and I'm obsessed with magic and astronomy (not astrology, I don't buy into it surprisingly). Also I spend my spare time listening to music, mostly Rammstein.

You cannot base the idea that "meds are bad" off the experience that your father had. I understand, and empathise with how it felt to see someone go through that, and not want any part of it yourself. But the medication he was on, I'm assuming since he has bipolar disorder and not schizophrenia, will be different from what you are possibly described. I understand not wanting to suck down pills everyday, but giving it a chance may be the best thing. And if not you can always choose to stop taking them; its your body.

Additionally your attitude towards the things in your head; feeling tormented but not wanting to "rip them out" is quite common. I understand not wanting to lose the feeling of being more aware about the way the world and universe seem to work without them, but the question is if they, and not the other experinces you've had, have really shaped your awareness of your existance. Maybe keeping them around isn't the best idea?

Obviously I don't know you nor your life situation, I'm just trying to offer advice based on my own experiences. Hope I wasn't projecting too much and goodluck to you user.

I study psychology, Jungian thought is my favorite perspective. Its fucking with you because its true. You need to abandon your surroundings you need to go and survive inna woods and you need to come back and work and then travel. Ditch all the other shit. You know its true and just because some fagots are fagots and are too mentally fucked to compregebd you . Doesn't mean 1 billion people in another part of the world won't anyways its your life do what you want, but you said it yourself it gets worse everyday. On that trend it can only end in suicide or permanent institutionalization I think.

Sounds like depersonalization/derealization. I've actually experienced what you're talking about with the whole "watching someone else live your life" like... You touch something and you know you're touching it, you feel it, but it doesn't *click* it's this very hollow feeling. Almost out of body... It was scary as hell but I have OCD and major anxiety and stress so one day it all hit this peak and my brain just sort of dissconnected and it took years to feel anything again.

No man, that's fucking solid advice. You're right, and I'll try to start thinking that way from now on, if I can manage to. Thank you, user. Nice art as well.

>you can always choose to stop taking them
No you can't. Not without ramping down slowly and learning how to deal on your own.

This is how people go to work and gun everyone down.

Can you email me? I know it sounds stupid, but I hardly ever find people that believe those things. I need direction, I need someone to talk to about these things, and it also helps that you're studying that. If you want someone to prod at in exchange for my own questions, I'd love to talk to you.

For anyone that gives a shit, it's [email protected]

I know what you mean, I feel that exact same thing. Only reason I believe it's Schizophrenia and not just a personality disorder is the fact that my delusions are frequent and intense.

Glad I could help. The artwork is from The Legend of Korra. Its an amazing series despite it being on nickelodeon. I'm currently re-watching and am on season 3/4. Highly recommend along with the original Avatar.

You're right, I should've worded it more carefully. You can't just stop cold turkey because of the sudden change to the brain's biochemistry. But if you honestly feel they aren't helping then you can decrease your dosage and eventually stop.

How long have you felt like a god? I've had that thought in the back of my mind for years.

Nice. I've been meaning to watch that. I watched Avatar when it was coming out, and that shit was solid.

Ever since I can remember, really. I mean I didn't know what the feeling was until I was old enough to realize the implications of being a god or demigod.

Do you mind if I email you about it? Just to see how you've dealt with it now and in the past?

In all honesty, when watching my buddy go thru what he's going thru. What I see is like general human problems like, general anxiety with people, awkward sense of self and place in world, does anyone feel like this kinda shit... But turned to volume 11 where it gets blown out of proportion based on whatever it means to you. And considering you definitely have a unique view of the world where you are somehow still here talking to me, knowing on *some* level that I am someone else, yet being incredibly open to the possibilities, I cant even fathome what and how much you go through. That level of balance (as unstable as it may feel) sounds scary. Like teetering on insanity but knowing and being aware of it is like this mental feedback loop of solipsism and exstistental depression.... Here I'll send you a link to his YouTube channel. He's a pretty chill dude once you get to know him. Hopefully his vids can do something for you .
m.youtube.com/watch?v=wxLNEXbOQfM

You are the universe is the only thing that exsists. And you wont ever stop exsisting. But one day take another shape and your thoughts will be floating in deep space for eternity.

Of course. Email away.

Thanks man, I appreciate it. It is weird and stressful, seeing yourself slowly go insane, realizing it, analyzing it, and yet still not being able to prevent it. I can only watch as I run for a cliff.

Thought of that too, user.

The important thing is not what this shit is and the petty names you assign to it, the important thing I believe is what does it all mean, and what is "God" saying.

I'm dense, are you referring to me as a god? Or are you saying God is talking to me? Strangely enough, out of all of the things that I feel like are trying to communicate with me, God is completely absent, and He's the only one I actually believe in, intellectually.

Do these other things in your head have a physical form in your mind, when you think about them? If so, did you try to draw them or something?
Do they punish you if you do something they don't like?
And does being drunk change anything?

I remember my bud saying that too. Its like this ride or something. Like you phase in and out of different states, going "underwater" in this almost alternate dimension and coming out gasping for air realizing what all that experience was about and learning a bunch about yourself through symbols and reflections of experience and shit but never being in control when the next time you go underwater is. Sounds tiring like a full time job

OP you are young one I assume younger than 30, you need to be honing your skills, what was said "full time job" seems to be an accurate description. You need to spend time to decode what these things all mean.

The water analogy being psychosis and reality. Like it seemed to me it was him coping with the information and finding an incredibly unique perspective that wasn't too off the wall like I could still understand it but definitely against the grain

They do, actually. They have chosen their respective figures, so when I think about them, or they "talk" to me, I can imagine them, or even do so if I'm not trying. The first one is the strongest one, and it's a sadistic and evil personality, that basically just looks like a corrupted version of me. He's always convincing me that we're the same more of less, and that everything he wants, I do too. The second one is the most attractive woman I've seen or imagined, she always dresses in provocative clothing, but like BDSM clothing, leather, etc. She calls herself "mommy" and enjoys dominating me, drawing out my desires and sinful fantasies, making me obsess over them, and is basically there to remind me I'll never have what I want. The third one is another version of me, and while he's the weakest, he tends to "take control" more often. He's a younger version of me. He's childish, submissive and yet extremely perverted. He's obsessed with "mommy" and she constantly torments him and makes him jealous, because hurting him also hurts me. He tends to throw tantrums a lot, and he can get pretty loud. He can affect my mood pretty greatly as well. I've drawn the first one many times, but I can't remember where any of the drawings are. I'm not drunk often, but it doesn't change much. When I'm high however, they can either be quiet, or get worse. It just depends.

If you can find practical truth amongst the sea of information, seamlessly augur it into your ability to express yourself. Who knows maybe you will be the next Mozart . when I listen to his Requiem. I hear God .

Are you going to be here everyday?
Mr. Memes are sacred guy

Exactly. I'd love to talk to him someday. The constant delving into shit that isn't real makes life really hard. How can I hold a job and fulfill responsibilities when I'm not even on this world?

I'm 19. I want to, more than anything. I'd drop almost everything in my life if I had a guide, but no matter how hard I try, I can't figure out how to hone or harness it. It's something that isn't physical, so you can't just fuck with it. I can't use any of this "power" I believe I have, and it frustrates me. How do I do it?

Exactly.

You have to have a positive relationship with yourself also. If you aren't happy with who you are you will forever be your own worse enemy.

Also this is why I don't think you're schizophrenic. You're aware of your slippage into insanity. Albeit it gets worse with every get go, but true schizophrenia as no "self awareness". You are aware that this isn't "normal" even though that term probably means nothing, you still understand what I mean in relation to the "objective" world. You're not totally crazy, user. Just different and most likely schizotypal.

Interesting....it seems you anima and animus are way the Fuck out of whack sounds like. The Anima is the female "spirit" in man and the animus the "male" impulse.

Also, checked

>see this thread on the front page
>this is the last post on the thread

Thanks for the laugh user, you sound stupid as fuck. hurr durr i'm not on this world lol sure buddy, suuuure. You're like an emo with a razor in hand, "I just have to do it guys!"

I know what you mean. When I hear a lot of music (especially classical music) I think it's what Hell must sound like. I'm obsessed with the idea that Hell is musical, that the Demons play the souls like instruments to torture them.

I get on Sup Forums almost every day, but I only start the thread if I'm in the mood. Also kek, memes are fucking sacred.

I'm trying, but the level of self-hatred and shame I carry with me is unbearable. I have an overwhelming feeling of guilt I can't find the source of or change. I feel like it's my obsession over the whole "mommy" thing...

I know what you mean, who knows. That's why I'm going to see someone soon.

Tell me more, please. Last night someone used those words and never elaborated. Please continue, user.

Been some nice GETs this thread.

Uh-huh. Maybe if you'd read the posts instead of one out of context you'd realize how much of an ass you're making yourself. I could not give a rat's ass what you think, I know what I feel, and no one can convince me otherwise.

can you make a tutorial on how to get schizo?

Not sure of my diagnosis. Since age 6 I've had insane thoughts that are totally illogical, it seems that when I was 6 it was a lot easier to push those thoughts to the side, more so than now. Most of mine include; I am god, the world around me is only real if I can see/hear what's going on at the time, I obsess over worst possible outcome in any situation almost to the point of making these delusions reality, something is always telling me to do something insanely irrational, people aren't real, world leaders are demons although I do realize that any of that is non existent, and finally fear of loss of control. Didn't hit me till I was 15 like you. Didn't know family had history of mental illness and I guess finding my mom dead at 14 and a shit ton of marijuana finally brought it out. What's good

Check your email

bump for more art.
i like.

Screencapping this thread for cringe threads. You don't have Schizophrenia, you have a bad case of Attentionslutophobia.

Uh-huh, whatever helps you sleep at night. You're just fine kiddo, make sure to do your homework before Monday.

Hi Mr. Memes are Sacred, I like you because you reply to comments in an innocent way.
Makes me feel warm inside, don't worry, I don't like rape or sexism.

Interesting. Not the guy you responded to, but the guy who's buddy reminds me of you. I always thought of angels playing humans souls like an instrument and that's what happiness was. Could be two sides of the same coin. If imagine a demon wouldn't know shit about tonality and just play you like a prepared piano haha

(Pic related)

Sounds like me to be honest. It was so much easier to dismiss the feelings when I was young. Now they basically consume every aspect of my life. Weed helps and hurts at the same time.

I am, thank you for the message.

Danke schon

Here, let me fix this post for you:

Most of mine include: I'm an egotist with an imagination, I get paranoid sometimes, I have bad ideas on occasion, and I'm a little delusional sometimes.

Actually solid as hell advice

danke schon?

(Pic related)

I just try to be as a-matter-of-fact as I can.

That's interesting. I always imagined it as twisting them into instruments we haven't even invented. Using nerves as strings, etc. Also wailing comes into play as musical as well. Interesting to think about, anyway.

Samefag, or just another cluster of retards with nothing better to do. Don't know which is sadder, kek.

Haha, enjoy this OC image. Also, wanna fite?

Any kind of medication amplifies the feeling of the whole loss of control thing. I would be more content with it if I had any type of empathy for humans, but honestly my own anatomy freaks me out to the point of wanting detained, smoked a couple times since then but gives me a hell of an anxiety trip. You're not alone though, shits fucking rough but it's good to know you're not the only person in the world that feels this way.

Thank you in German. Once upon a time I was learning the language. It's my favorite, I should get on that again to be honest.

What kind of random person comes into a thread and reads only one post and bases his entire argument off that? I get its Sup Forums but Jesus Christ dude you're an idiot

What's the worst thing the voices told you to do?

u right

Cheers, user. I know what you mean.

Fuckin keked. Cum fite me irl i cud own u. lil gay boi thts all u r is a gay boi cum fite me irl

Wow, german is my favorite language too but I don't speak it fluently. We must be the only ones in the world to have such a unique interest.

Kill you psychiatrist and make it look like suicide.

>nothing better than do
You're on Sup Forums too? I'll never understand why people use this as an argument, bait or not.

If you truly had the condition, you wouldn't be on Sup Forums talking about it. Might as well advertise you have Downs Syndrome or Autism. Do you think people think being fucking mentally ill and delusional is cool? Why even mention it on here? So you can feel good when some retard says "woah that's neat" when in reality you're mentally fucked? I'd kill myself if I was in your shoes bud.

I'll have you know that OC img is from my family album, we're old time gangsters, we still got ties though. You're welcome to try and fite me and my crew bitch

You sound like that high school kid that everyone ignores in class. You special little snowflake you.

Nice dubs

No shit. This.

I killed my baby sister's cat. Stared at it for a while when I was home alone and sort of went blank. Didn't really have control over my actions, so I picked it up and took it outside, and beat it to death with a metal rod. Worst part, I felt alive, I felt like I ACTUALLY existed for the first time in my life, and it lasted for ten minutes.

u illiterate

Heh, could be. I hate Spanish, I refused to learn it, so I picked up German.

Don't have one yet, and if I could get away with killing someone, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Nothing better to do than to be a retard in public forum. I'm trying to have conversations with people, and perhaps work some of this shit out. It has a use, I'm doing this with purpose, and (as you can see above) some people might want to talk with someone like me, because they might not know people like me in real life.

Your arguments make no sense, and you're just proving my point further that you're a fucktard. By all means, give me more ammunition, I find this hilarious.

Ha damn, like a twisted Alex Grey painting is what I'm imagining you talking about. I guess I imagined something more "ethereal". I never imagined hell being a physical place. Maybe projected to make it look and feel physical (I.e. My life lol) but I imagine something non physical to just automatically be soothing and heavenly for some reason.

Well, emotions are chemical compounds so rather than playing nerves they are playing chemists. Except if they are controlling our motor functions then its self explanatory.

Top kek. N-No I'm good! W-We was just playin' ya see? We didn't mean no harm, just kiddin' around is all. Kek.

Thanks. Lots of good GETs tonight.

Maybe that's why you don't trust doctors and meds?

So do you experience these threads like a sort of therapy?

That's an interesting way of looking at it. I always imagined Hell as extremely physical, like that's all there is. There is no escape of thoughts, there is only the physical, because sinners chose physical pleasures over spiritual virtue. That's my idea, anyway, while Heaven is a more ethereal place like you said.

I don't really buy into that. I have a firm belief that thoughts and consciousness is more than just purely chemical. Obviously emotions are influenced and caused by chemicals, but I don't think the entirely of human thought is physical like that. Also badass album, Papa Franku is the fucking bomb.

Well to be honest I just can't wait until I die, there's several sources and facts on how the brain produces its own MDA in huge quantities after your heart stops, setting you up for the trip of your lifetime.

Yeah, more or less. I don't really come here to get better, only to gain insight from other anons. Nice image, totally saving.

Thanks, Lori.

I've heard of that, and it could be possible. But I also don't believe it's possible to stretch a finite amount of time into an infinite amount of time. No matter how much you slow things, it still will eventually come to an end.

My personal definition of hell is just separation from God. Whatever the duck that really means. Just being alone by yourself in a perfect projected reality completely based on you. Hell is personal. If that means physical for you? Then maybe you're worst fear is actually feeling something real. My worst fear is feeling something unreal. Like as poetic as the idea of angels playing me like an instrument feels, that's also terrifying because I'm absolving all control over to this "higher being" like... Physically? Yeah okay a bear can mail me to death, cool. But an angel? Fuck dude... Who knows what Michael could do given the chance

Yeah, I just hope it'll be enough time to last until I find peace.

Lots of people believe that. But what is separation from God? God is what supposedly provides everything good, be it happiness, existence even, or any number of positive things. Hell could just be oblivion, because without God observing you, maybe you cease to exist entirely.

Exactly. You can only hope you'll be ready when the time comes. I hope you do find peace, user.

Just to clarify, separation from God = pure sweet, 100%, added pulp: ego and all the entails. It of course takes the good to couple with the terrible which is why I feel sometimes like the life we are living now is hell. What better torture for a soul than an incredibly personal one. One where you always feel so close to attaining whatever it is that's closest to your heart, only to have it squandered in some strangely personal way... Of course it's only me saying it so who knows if you get what I'm saying haha

We're are you from if you don't mind me asking?

No, it sounds very plausible. I'm with you there, user.

A shit small town in East Texas. I hate it here, but I hate libtards so this is as good as I'll get.