Goddammit everything is fucked. PLEASE HELP. I'm getting the flashbacks again and I just need to vent...

Goddammit everything is fucked. PLEASE HELP. I'm getting the flashbacks again and I just need to vent. I'll just try greentexting what happened and maybe it'll calm me down.

>Be me
>Loner in High school
>Constantly ridiculed by classmates for loneliness.
>Classmates make jokes about me shooting up the school.
>Eat Lunch at the bike racks on the edge of school grounds because no friends.
>"Fuck this..." I tell myself, "I'll do better in college."
>Graduate lonely and go to college
>Hot girls are immediately drawn to the Abercrombie frat boys.
>Those same guys are already mocking me.
>Lose the will to try change and just focus on classes.
>first of a specific class and an attractive grey eyed, brunette girl with braces sits next to me when she arrives late.
>She looks like a sorority girl out of my league, atleast a cute 8/10 in my opinion.
>The type that wears those kitten beanies, white cardigan and uggs during the winter.
>I'm sweating bullets
>She greets me with a big smile. "Hi, I'm M, and you are?"
>Nervously tell her my name, and thats the end of our conversation for class.
>As a hopeless romantic im already falling for her.
>Work up a plan to just give it a shot since i have nothing to lose.
>Next time at the same class she greets me again, and i work up the courage to offer her a seat.
>cont....

I'm bad at greentexting. But please understand I'm not thinking clearly and it's almost therapeutic.


>"Um, sure." She replies... I still remember her glancing at a group of girls she walked in with, as if she wanted to sit with them.
>I just decided to be an open book for the first time in my life. I was dying inside, so fucking scared, but i just talked and tried to be natural.
>A few back and forth between us, and suddenly i dont need to think about being natural.
>"for once I'm talking to someone, a female at that, and she seems... INTERESTED?"
>Shes bubbly, cute, interestes in what I have to say.. Playful.
>We talk through the whole class, and its the biggest sense of relief I've ever had.
>I decide to ask her out as we peel out into the hallways. Once again I'm just trying my luck.
>cont...

The history of it is a little long I'm trying to type quickly before the thread dies so I can get some opinions and thoughts. I just need someone/people to talk to.

>"I would like that user!" she said with a big smile.
>I cant believe this is actually happening.
>We go out, have food, and have a great time.
>Within a couple more dates we become official.
>My first ever girlfriend.
>Man, the feeling i had when i actually could say that to myself.
>I almsot cried tears of joy when she accepted.
>4 months in, We move into a place just off campus and do everything as a couple.
>Her friends think im below her, but never tell me that in person.
>Got on well with her parents.
>We both graduated together, and on graduation day, 3 years after it all began, I proposed.
>She said yes.
>Man... I would give my life to just have that day repeat over and over again. I cant think of a more perfect day in my little life than that day and that moment. I could've died right there and i wouldve been content. Because afterwards is where everything got fucked up.
>cont...

Are there rats?

I like stories with rats.

>Wedding plans start coming up, and im having a tough time looking for a job.
>Shes working part-time and getting very stressed because shes shouldering the majority of the financial load.
>I'm only getting money from odd jobs here and there, and its extremely demoralizing.
>Get a call one day from her grandmother who tells us her parents were in a car accident.
>Father was killed instantly and mother in critical condition.
>Im trying to comfort her through the whole thing, but we're also looking at being evicted because we just cant make the payments.
>Shes usually at the hospital and i get a job at a convenience store, but its not enough to make up the rent and we are evicted
>We move in with her grandparents.
>Shes a shell of her former-self, crying ALL the time.
>Her mother doesnt make it out of critical condition and she literally stops crying.
>Everyday id come home from my shitty job to find her quietly sitting in our bedroom, empty in the eyes, and barely saying anything.
>She'd only say something if I asked her questions.
>Once told me she felt like she's cried so much that she just cant anymore.
>And stupid fucking me made the biggest mistake id ever make in my goddamn life...
>cont...

I think somebody told you once you're a worthless piece of shit, most probably a close member of your family... and also that wanting to fuck women is wrong... It seems you have a messed up mind set man... you need to purge that shit out of your system first than anything, you need to go to the belly of the beast and figure out who and why fucked you up with those toxic ideas you have man... You can be a loner or a fucking serial killer, and still be strong on your ground... it's all in your mindset... fix that shit

No sorry. This is serious.

Anyway.
> One night we're lying in bed, im thinking about how im going to get a better job because i sensed her grandparents getting frustrated with us being there.
> She just interrupts me and says "Baby please dont go to work tomorrow, I need you."
>And she said this with the most deadpan expression. I remember it clear as yesterday. It made me feel so damn uncomfortable...
>She then began crying once again telling me she needed me over and over.
>Idiot me told her that if I dont go in to work tomorrow then I wont be able to get money to get us out of the situation.
>"Just tomorrow honey, I'll be back by 3." I told her.
>And i can feel her fingers digging into my sides as she clutched me closer and just whispered "No." through her sobs, but for some ridiculous reason i didnt take note of it too much.
>I felt terrible but i felt like i needed to provide for my fiance materially, but i wasnt paying enough attention to the emotional side of it.
>I think about this night constantly, because if I had just thought a little differently, everything would've ended another way.
>cont...

lurkin'.

>I went to work that morning and she was still sleeping at the time.
>Her grandparents went up north for some winter event.
>I shouldve known better than to leave her home alone. I FUCKING SHOULD HAVE.
>Slaved away at work, came back home.
>And man... A sight ill never forget.
>She was on the floor completely out.
>Called 911,they came in 2 minutes.
>Im fucking crying my eyes out while trying to follow the phone paramedics instructions to resuscitate her.
>Medics come in and rush her and I to the hospital.
>Im clutching her hand its just not the same. Its cold and just, doesnt feel like her.
>She was taken into ER but it was too late.
>My Fiance, died that day at 4:38pm. Cause of death was suicide by overdosing on pills and washing it down with tons of alcohol.
>Throughout the whole investigation process, they found a suicide note at the house directed to me.
>I still have not read it and its been 4 years since it happened.

This day has stuck with me everyday of my life since then. It has destroyed me in more ways than i can put into words. and its my fault. I wasnt there. Even to this day i still am on the verge of committing suicide because of it but I keep having a war in my head to not do it and just try moving forward. But i know that if i see that note, it will be the trigger to me actually going through with it. My life is now hell because the one person who showed a genuine interest, who taught me to love myself, is now gone, because of me. I don't know why I'm saying this here. I just need someone, or people to talk to.

sounds like bullshit op. hav u tried killing yourself yet?

Open the note and take a pic of it without looking, then upload it here so we can read it

Dear god, I always read these and wonder how people fuck up so badly in life, anyways, if you're not bullshitting sorry to hear

I don't want to sound like an asshole, but it really isn't your fault that she couldn't handle the stress of losing her parents. It's a waste of time to ponder what ifs and should haves.

Do your best to learn from the experience and remember what she taught you. I'm genuinely sorry for your loss, but with this being four years after, you should really focus on yourself and on what you need.

No amount of mourning or torturing yourself will ever bring her back, nor is it anything other than a dishonor to what you both had. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to be this way.

I wish. Man, I wish.
That doesn't feel right. Atleast not now.
Yeah, I never had high expectations for my life but I didn't think it would go down this track.
Yeah... I've been told. I usually can function normally. But some days, like today it hits me. It might be a familiar smell, or TV show or song, then I'm suddenly reminded of her and the note, and I keep thinking about how she wanted me to stay but I went to slave away at a shitty job instead of comfort my depressed fiance.

...

Read the note, OP.

You'll stop torturing yourself when you know why she did it.

Also, should have listened.

you are weak op. toughen up.

Man I'm scared to do it. Like I see it, then I'm afraid of what I'll find in there. Like I said, i think it will be my breaking point go finally drive me to end myself. But maybe I should.
As for should have listened, well I think about it everyday, and I tell myself that everyday.
Yeah this is definitely one of those days where I'm weak. It's just hard to deal with man.
Thanks for your comments though. Atleast some heard me. Makes the venting feel a little better

Hahaha good story faggot please read Me the suicide note

Breaking point to*

Well op you played yourself. Anyways I think you should read the note give yourself closure and then move on. 4 years is a long time my dude just gotta move past it at this point (not trying to sound like a dick here)

What if your fiance wanted you to live? And she said that in the note you should read it and tell us my man it is the only way to move on

You should have killed yourself long ago friend. Like before you met her haha. Should have sent that dumb bitch my way. I would of tore that pussy up for good, I'm rich n all dat
#alphaasfuck

>marrying your first GF
>fresh out of college

lol.

dont be sad you'll have probably just had a really messy divorce about a year or two down the line.

also read the note.

The notewill be about how she wished she never took a chance with you and how this is all your
F A U L T
Faggot

COULD have stayed.

could have, not 'should'.

but you didnt, you did what you thought was the right thing at the time - dont be ashamed, she might have just done it the next day.

someones suicide is completely out of your hands - you have no blame except that which you manufacture for yourself.

forgive yourself, its the most humbling and powerful and brave thing you can possibly do.

this.

So is suicide on the table today?
Please say yes

Don't pity this faggot it is his fault a Hottie died alone broke cold and hungry
OP IS A FAGGOT AND SHOULD BE THE ONE WHOS DEAD

check out the movie willard from 2003

Haha your gf is dead

I guess I'll read it on a day where I'm not crushed by the whole thing.
Yeah that's the kind of content I'm afraid of being in there. Like if she went out angry at me.
Yeah. Her grandparents tell me the same thing. It sucks but if I want to move forward I have to stop torturing myself at one point.
Thank you

no problem Sup Forumsro

Im reading a friends suicide note right now - the crazy bastard made a 7page organised pdf with legal cover letter :/

Sounds like you found someone more beta than you, OP. gg

She definitely was
Does the note have your name on it?
We're you supposed to read it?
Can't even do that right
You can't do anything right
Die faggot wait till I find you

if you're already suicidal then read the note, chances are she wrote something to make you feel better.

Losing both parents is among the most tragic things that can happen to anyone, but if she couldn't handle it then, even if you stayed that night, she'd prolly go through with suicide some other day, even when you're around. If she didn't have the mental capability to get over something like that I don't think she ever would, but there again, I'm writing this with the intention to make you feel better so what do I know.

You could've just led with that
That was a boring-ass story til the end

You should work on your communication skills
2/10

Holy 7 page suicide note
Sounds like a major faggot

Well congrats you imbecil! She died because of you dirtbag. She needed you!!! Fucking Christ! Was your shitty job worth it fag? Will the frier machine give your fiancé back??? Fuck no idiot. You are worthless and deserve everything that comes from no on. KYS faggot....stream it with nudies

He did go to college
Failed at everything
What do you do now OP?
NEW GIRLFRIEND??

It would probably give you closure. Even if the contents are depressing and upset you for a short time in the long run you might be better off.

I'm just an user. I'm not gunna tell you to open it or to leave it. Whichever you chose I respect.

I agree
High five faggot
We should kill OP

Post the note with timestamp or fuck off.. also dead girls nudes.. post those too

meh makes sense. If you're leaving this planet forever you may as well say what you want said before you go.

Too many emo cunts are like "lol everyone hates me kthxbye" in their suicide notes.

OP still lives in Atlanta?

>i proposed

ther´s your first mistake bruh, havent finished reading tho

Saw the ending coming after dead parents.
3/10, predictable plot and boring

It's addressed to me.
Yeah as I said earlier I'll take the chances reading it when I'm not on an off day.
I was venting. Which I made clear from the beginning.
I acknowledge that I was the cause. Atleast it feels that way. But even while I'm not thinking clearly I won't be baited by this behavior.

I second this. Stupid OP should kill himself right now. Fuck if I was related to that poor girl I would do it.

No the pictures are from a visit there.

God shut the fuck up this is so obviously fake go away

I'm serious
What do you do for work now?
Do you have a new girlfriend??
Do you live in Atlanta?
What was the date of her suicide?
What's your name and address????

Well OP I am truly sorry for your loss, but as much at is hurts you have to admit it was your fault. Think about it, she decided to date your poor ass instead of the good looking studs, from there and on you owed her your life. You can't provide for her well that's another variable to add to you beta male list. You are the one to blame OP. You basically killed her since you decided to be her SO. I am Very sorry but it was your fault and you are the one who should be dead not her. Sorry man but kill yourself.

lol everyone on here is a piece of shit. I'm depressed too OP, but your story really put in perspective how small my problems are. I hope you find a way to overcome the depression.

I will over come it for him haha
With a gun

Everyone on 4-chan are a bunch of assholes, but that is to be expected.

But you have to get over it Op, read the fucking letter and get a dog or cat

Hmm so you didn't listen to her and then she killed herself, and you have chosen to continue to not listen for the next 4 years (by not reading the note). She's gone so I suppose it doesn't matter, but still, for your sake wouldn't reading it and hearing what she had to say be righting a wrong?

Ya see
We should seriously track him down and kill him

If what you are writing is true OP then the only person to blame is you man. Sorry but is true.

Condolences OP.
Don't become an alcoholic. I'd do so.
In fact I did so. without even losing someone.

which movie is it?

You can blame the person causing the car accident just as well, but no you have to make OP feel even worse. DICKHEAD^10

>You can blame the person causing the car accident just as well, but no you have to make OP feel even worse. DICKHEAD^10

Implying what OP is real. If true OP should die. If fake you should faggot for being so stupid.

kys faggot
stupid cunt
any reasons other than insults?

I scared OP away haha

well aren't you clever user
aren't you clever

>be me

kys you faggot son of a bitch

Only sharing her nudes will bring you comfort Op.

or is that evil of me to say?

I dont know whats right or wrong anymore.

OP here, sorry i didnt post the note, here it is

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HI5 Sup Forumsro

I got rats
Will deliver rats

post the suicide note for your Sup Forumsrothers to read with a time stamp or this is fake and OP is a faggot as usual.

If your not just a faggot and this is real i'm sorry, lost my one and only to overdose as well and I've been nothing the 3 years sense. my life consists of eat, sleep, shit, work, vidya, and shitpost. And I went through a long dark period over 2 years of depression and addiction.

My suggestion would be to get a puppy, it will give you at least one thing to make you slightly happy, and get you out of the house twice a day for a short walk.

better to have never loved than to have loved and lost

Wow you really like playing the victim right? Stop being such a retard and maybe people will stop treating you like one

She's hawt yo
Gimme dos digits homeyy