Are there any experienced doms in the house? And I mean actual doms, not your usual "I like to be the one in charge in bed" / "I tied up my GF once" / "I like to harass girls online" internet-wannabe-doms.
I mean someone who knows, appreciates and can talk sensibly about subspace, limits, safewords, bondage theory between two consenting adults.
I have some questions about how to properly introduce my wife to it.
Also, general BDSM thread.
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Dumping some stuff by shiniez to get yall in the mood and attract some attention
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where are you now? where do you want to be? you as her husband know her best. Read "the Topping Book or how to get good at being bad" and The Bottoming Book: How to Get Terrible Things Done to You by Wonderful People.
Go from there
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We tried some "normal" stuff that kids try at the beginning of our relationship. Some mild bondage, blindfold, etc.
Then the usual thing happened and we went more or less vanilla.
She knows I want more. She is insecure and doesn't know what to do or how to react. I sometimes try to get her to do things but she just laughs, not taking it seriously. She says I don't talk serious enough and that might be true.
I read the Sunstone (same Artist) comics in front of her and she didn't show remote interest, which always bugs me.
I am a switch so I eventually want her to dom as well. But I realize that will not happen because she is too inexperienced.
I now a lot of theory, but not how to actually implement them.
Thanks for the suggestions, I will look into them.
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Well that's it folks... Guess this was the wrong place to ask
just say lets tie you up
yes... if you're trying to say not to overthink it, I guess you're right.
Try something like getting a hotel room. Move scene space out of the house. Let her know you are in charge, and push a bit.. not knowing you or your wife it's hard to suggest, but with a bit of planning and luck you may find what you are looking for. When she laughs is it a defensive or genuine laugh.. you may find she wants what you do but it just "isn't right". The books I suggested should prove useful and read them both whether you want to top or bottom, read both
There are many doms out there. I'm one of them.
I have what is essentially a 24/7 relationship with girlfriend.
I'd like to help, as said, interesting topic. But with such limited information about the situation it is also limited in what I can give.
But some general advice:
* For basics: A decent pair of handcuffs (no the cheap 10$ fluffy kind, look for proffessional/police issue, the difference is worth it)
* would also recommend a decent collar. make it lockable
* gags? budget? rope (don't buy overcharged from BDSM-shops. Go to you local marine-supply store and look for hemp/natural-fibre, much cheaper and same quality)
So question is, what do you want done to her?
Yes I realize it's hard because it's so dependent on the person and their character.
> When she laughs is it a defensive or genuine laugh.. you may find she wants what you do but it just "isn't right"
I think it's defensive. We talked about it once and she said the way I said it wasn't "evil" enough. So I need to work on that I guess, to get myself into a mental space where I can be "evil" (the good kind).
Budget and toys are not an issue, we have the stuff because I like to use it on my own anyway.
What I want is for her to expand her horizon, with me helping her. I want her to experience what I experience when I do online BDSM RPs where I sub most of the time.
It might be that I romanticize it too much, but that's also why I want to do it - I want to see if it's as good as I imagine it.
Basically, I want to make a plan that about how I start next time when we have a bit of time to try something.
I feel like I need to get her to accept the roles we pick, which seems the hardest part.
you may not be "evil" enough because you fancy yourself a bottom. If you want top top, you have to top. If not you can be topped from the bottom ( that will make sense later). One of you has to be in charge.
I've dommed 4 girls. Been in an M/s relationship for over a year now. My slave has rules she must follow and we are full on 24/7. I've been working with another sub, long distance, but she's being a complete cunt about everything right now.
If you have any specific questions I'll help. I'm more into the actual lifestyle and less into the kinky sex, but again, I know my way around everything.
Yeah, that's the problem I think. I have to get into a mental state where I can be that, so it's easier for her to follow what I say.
The issue I have is that I care so much about what SHE likes so that I can't overlook that some things I might want to tell her to do she might not want to do. It's hard to overcome because I want both of us to have fun.
I don't think a 24/7 would be something for us, because I like too much to switch roles. But then again, who knows what might happen.
For now, to me, it's mostly that I want to elevate our usual bedroom acitivities to something more intruiging.
Basically, I need some advice how to start it off. I was thinking that to start slow I would talk with her exactly about what I'll do and tell her to do and before, and then stick to that.
So she knows what's coming and I can prepare it. It might take out some of the surprise and improvisation but then again - our normal sex is always the same routine also, so...
With a full-out plan I can't help you, since people are so different and what gets them going is likewise quite different.
However, something that can boost your confidence or help the situation along is a really good blindfold and a decent gag. Given that it's within the parameters of the situation you've set up.
But from the subs side, it's much easier to be led along if you can't speak, or see.
Or, as a suggestion if you wish to "one up" the blind fold, go for some mask of some kind.
A word about blindfolds, I find most of them somewhat lacking. But something that I found works quite well is [see picture, because I don't have a single clue what the English word for it is]
A final word about the picture, there are two kinds: self-sticking (see them as single use) and the type you can re-apply (recommended).
But sits firm, no sneak-peeking from sub, no discomfort against skin, fits all sizes.
I know this well. With my wife I wanted to be a husband over lover at first. The playing / scenes were what I did before to just lovers. With my wife the husband thing kicked in and I didn't want to treat my wife that way. Well, get over that. She is yours in scene. Sounds like she wants to be as well. You love and care for her so you won't hurt her, but you need to do what you both want.
Yeah I don't expect a full on play from you guys. I know it needs to be tailored to us. (Just as an example, she's having a really hard time (hurdur) when sucking my dick. Her jaw and my junk do not get along too well).
I like your suggestion. I think blindfold is something she'll be very comfortable with, with a gag - maybe. (see above, same applies for keeping her jaw open for too long) but I can see how it might help both of us.
Coincidentally, I always felt that when she watches me do things, I feel somewhat insecure (probably because of body image and stuff) so if I know she can't see it might do wonders to my self esteem etc.
Thanks for saying that. It helps me a lot to know that this is something others struggle(d) with as well.
The separation from husband/wife to dom/sub is the main thing I struggle with. This ... detachment, to get "into" it is what I have problems 1. doing and 2. helping her do it.
the detachment could start with setting scenes. The books I mentioned cover this well. Keep the marriage separate from play. scene space, etc. Don't play in your bedroom. It will help you both get to where you want to be. It will be good, even if hard at first
That's a good suggestion, thanks. I will try to think more in that direction, also to help me be more assertive so she can accept me as the dom easier.
Writing and reading about this is really good. I brings me hope that we can achieve this (hopefully good) next level slow but steady.
I would definitely not recommend these authors.
I just read some paragraphs.
They consider themselves the elite of sex for practicing BDSM. Very derogatory towards so called "vanillas".
They describe themselves as "gourmets" of sex, while others merely "feast to satiate their hunger".
I'm not joking. It's in these books.
Do you have an alternative?
Gags can be tricky for tricky for some. For us they belong the essentials, we have a whole collection of them with different sizes, shapes, material and so on, (Everyone needs a hobby!)
But indeed, for some the jaw muscles simple doesn't allow for the prolonged strain.
So, to offer an additional suggestion:
Use a piece of cloth, not too big, not too small, for a gag that is both really effective and doesn't strain the jaw too much. (Decently clean thong panties has been known to come in handy for that extra kink-factor).
How to make the piece of cloth stay in place?
- Handy with rope? use rope! (4-6mm)
- Got some surplus bondage tape?
- Duct tape I myself find both a bit disappointing in effectiveness and it clings to hair and leaves glue residue. But whatever floats your boat)
- another great DIY solution is stretch film (?cellophane?). But there are hand held strech film wrappers that is both quick to apply and nigh impossible to "spit out" together with a decent piece of textile.
PS: stretch film wrapper can also be used as a substitute for rope if situation benefits from it .
Literally anything else unless you want to cringe at every third sentence.
That doesn't help much
the original books are very good, the later versions do get worse. That's why I posted the full titles.
Would you rather read the case studies in "different loving" or "Screw the roses, send me the thorns". What I recommended was a decent introductory
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So I shouldn't get the "New" versions? I can't even find the old ones anywhere.
let me see if I can find isbn's
you can get the 1998 edition from amazon for 2 bucks
amazon.com
Okay, thanks. (Geez... more shipping fee than actual cost. The things I do for love... XD)
hey.. blame amazon, not me. And if you get some toys and other books in the order you may get free shipping :) spend more to feel like you are paying less.
Glad to help a fellow user
Unfortunately not. I'm in germany so I need to get stuff like this through resellers - and they don't care what else I order. Their fees are not bound to amazon, so. Whatever. Seriously. If this helps us I don't care what I spend.