ITT: we are in an office continued

ITT: we are in an office continued

"Yihab, Hijab!"

Hi, Jenny the COO.

Lovely to be here.

Thanks.

Thank you for ckome back Jenny. Plese feel free to reach out if having problems at new position. Hkome office is happy to hkelp.

>"Yihab, Hijab!"

Hi, Ted from HR.

As I said in an email to Phil from marketing (FWD: ) this whole video business is not my doing and shouldn't affect my application to the new Head of HR position. Please consider this with attention in the selection process. Thank you.

ALLAHU AKBAR!!!!!

*BIG BOOM*
VERY DEATH

I'l gonna have to ask you take your suicide bombing outside, thanks. People are trying to work in here.

Hi Ted, Josh here. There seems to be a problem. Stop by my office around 3pm. See you soon.

Randy from maintenance. I'm noticing lots of used needles left behind in the bathroom. Maybe we should implement drug tests.

Hello, i'm new, where can i have a seat?

Hey Randy, it's Dave from legal I believe those are Jenny's testosterone shots.

Hey Josh, Ted from HR here. I can't come by this afternoon, can't we discuss it by email like we do it normally? Plus the new CEO is giving me a hard time, I only understand 50% of what he's saying.

Alright well i've installed a sharps container in the bathroom for here. Wouldn't want any hep c mishaps! Jenny doesn't like to talk about it.

She got it in Belize that's why she shot to the too so fast.

Fred here? Any one see Jenny lately? No reason, or anything, I-I just need to talk to her.

Hey guys watch me constantly ring jenny's phone and hang up as she calls.

Serves her right for taking my goddamn stapler stupid bitch

Hi, Jenny the COO.

Please refrain from harassing employee's.
Thanks.

...

Hey, John from sales.
I think my pen rolled under your desk. Do you mind picking it up for me?

...

Hi Jenny,

I have no recollection of the events in question. Also, return my stapler you whore. I will invoice you for each and every staple you stole from me.

Kind regards,

Staple Steve

I guess Ted is off on vacation?

Hi Steve, Ted from HR. I've been noticed that your behavior breached our Policy Regarding Men & Women in the Workplace by Jenny. Please come by around 4 to discuss this please. Rod from home office will be there to talk about the recent Good Practices seminar you had to attend as well. See you there.

His wife left him the poor bastard so he needs to get his shit together. Can't blame her though. If i caught my missus playing sexual Jenga with my neighbour i'd flip out too.

Hi, accordingly to Email Best Practices Rules & Regulations, please state your name and department (and branch if different from the one you're addressing) in every mail you're to send. Keep it in mind for future communication. Attached is a pdf file of said Rules & Regulations in case you lost it. Ted from HR

Hi Ted,

Apologies for the alleged breach of policy regarding men and women in the workplace. Having had my staples abducted and stolen I'd like to discuss this issue with you.

Regards,

Stapler Steve

Hi Ted from HR.

There is only one motherfucking Stapler Steve so kindly ram your departments up your ass. If you don't know who I am then you aren't doing your job right.

Regards,

Stapler Steve

Hi Steve, as I said we'll go through it extensively at the 4 o'clock reunion. I believe we have much to discuss and in fact Rod agrees with me. I've sent you an Outlook invite, please confirm it. Ted from HR

Hi Ted,

Apologies as I can't make the 4pm meeting as I must pick up my child from nursery and my ex wife is unable to carry out this task. I am confident you are able to make alternative arrangements regarding our meeting.

I am back into work on monday morning so I do hope to speak to you in person then.

Regards,

Stapler Steve

Hi Steve Ted from HR here. I hope you're aware of the fact that your conduct and your language as of late forced us to file a formal complaint that could result in suspension or the termination of your contract.

Rod once again agrees with me and wants to remind you that the Good Practices seminar you attended last week was meant to address that issue. If you don't resolve it asap we're going to have to let you go. If you need information about the severance packages feel free to come by my office anytime. Monday at 10 would be perfect. See you there.

Hi Ted.

I can't be arsed RPing an office situation so by all means please do feel free to perform a self bukkake and meanwhile I shall be leaving the thread due to boredom. Thsnks for the memories Ted, you may see me in these threads in future.

Regards,

Stapler Steve

Hi everyone :) I'm the new intern, Mandy. If you need anything, just shoot me and email lol :)

Whoops, I meant "an" lol :)
-Mandy

Hi Steve glad to hear from you.

After discussing it with Rod from home office we agreed (not without much regret) that your language was once again a big problem and that we are going to have to see you anyway regardless of you quitting.

Otherwise we'll transfer your file to Dave from legal.

See you,

Ted from HR

Hi Mandy, for future reference please refrain to send a collective e-mail to all the contacts book. We are more than 5,000 coworkers and it could pose some security issues. Thanks in advance,

Ted from HR

This is an all Staff Email

As part of my respo0nsibilities as the head of IT, I am required to send these out.

As part of your jobs, you will be sent hyperlinks (more commonly known as "links) through your email. Before you click on them, it is strongly advised that you mouse-over the link. At the bottom of the browser, it should show the destination of the link.

Now, ask yourself. "Do I trust the location of the link?" If the answer is "no" do not click on it! If someone has sent you a link that is suspiciously short, ask yourself "why did they shorten it?"

[HERE] is an example of an untrustworthy link.

Standard reminder that the Office Computer Use Document is available [HERE] and that by using the terminals in the office/assigned to you for use outside of the office is taken as agreeing to the OCUD. Failure to comply will result in your usage records being forwarded to HR for review.

Jack from IT

Hey Jake, Ted from HR here.

Does that mean I can't go on Facebook anymore?

@722159828
Whoops, sorry lol :)
did I do it right?
-Mandy

Hi Mandy, did you go through the initial recruit process tutorial I told you to watch this morning? I hope you're aware that this is required of you. Please notify me by any means necessary.

Ted from HR

Hi Theo,

Unless you have a legitimate reason to be accessing Facebook on company time (ie, checking on potential hires FB pages, checking the pages of employees to make sure that they are not disparaging the company) then no, you can't check Facebook on company time.

If you DO have a legitimate reason, be aware that we in IT have ways of monitoring how long you spend there. The OCUD states that it should not take more than 10 minutes to perform legitimate HR duties.

Jack from IT

@722160573
Whoops, I didn't sorry Todd from PR department. Can I watch it on youtube? Lol
-Mandy

Hi Jack, thanks for the info.

Does that mean I still have access to Facebook or no? You know, for HR duties of course.

Ted from HR

Hi, Jenny the COO.

As a part of our new "Worker Interaction" we're wondering for any new ideas for a new and upcoming Staff Room!

Hi Mandy, please come by my office asap to discuss the terms of your engagement in an six-month internship. There are some things we need to discuss. Office 412b 3rd floor.

Ted from HR

hi Jenny :) it's mandy the intern lol
we should totally get a snow cone machine lol :)
-Mandy

Ted,

Yes, you do have access to Facebook. If you spend more time on Facebook than the OCUD outlines, then the logs of where you went and for how long will be sent to your superior.

What your superior does with this information is not my concern, but it should be yours.

Jack from IT

Hi Jenny, Ted from HR. According to our 02/01/17 reunion it was agreed we would discuss it only with the managers. Please advise me of anything I would have missed from the previously agreed-upon procedure asap. Thanks

Ted from HR

Good to be back in the office.

Ok thanks Jake this has been very useful, as always with you guys from IT. Hope to see you in two months at the seminar - did you receive the confirmation mail?

Ted from HR

Hi Tod, It was agreed by the Board of Directors that a new "Workers Interaction Policy" would be introduced therefore replacing the Managers only policy.
Thanks.

Ted,

This is Randy from Accounting, just checking those trips.


-Randy

Hey Jake, if you didn't receive a confirmation mail, disregard what I previously said about a seminar. Said seminar has been cancelled. See you.

Ted from HR

Hkello Jenny,

Hkow are things going? The sharehkolders are not impressed with this quarters numbers, please put together new plan for motivate staff turn around. Also, company slogan should be use by all employees in email corspondense in signature line. Thank you for contunied great works.
-Rashid from the hkome office.

>"Yihab, Hijab!"

Hi Jenny, I don't believe this figures anywhere in our Best Practices Handbook. I've booked the conference room for a reunion at 4 as we should discuss this asap. If you must know, I won't stand for a bypass of any Rules & Regulations breach. Please advise me if you can't be there.

Ted from HR

Rashid,

Accounting is incorporating an 'alternative bookkeeping' strategy for next quarter. The shareholders should be satisfied until next years audit.

-Randy from Accounting
>Yihab, Hijab!

Hey Randy Ted from HR here.

You're always fucking around one way or another aren't you. Come by my office around 3 this afternoon I have some things to discuss with you asap regarding your position here.

See you there. - Ted

Ted,

Unfortunately, I cannot come to the seminar, as we have scheduled downtime and maintenance for that period of time. We felt that it would be best to schedule the downtime to coincide with the seminar, as it would inconvenience the least amount of people.

If I am required to be there, I can set up a telepresence so that I can remain informed/inform others while performing maintenance.

Jack from IT

Ted,

Your coarse language has offended me, and your insinuations are not appreciated. Normally I would speak with HR about a situation like this, but given your position, I am forwarding this conversation to Dave in Legal.

-Randy from Accounting

>Yihab, Hijab!

Ted

Disregard my previous email. Someone didn't read my All-Staff and clicked on a link that was suspisicious.

The person in question has been dealt with and the situation is under control.

Unrelated, but [HERE] are the logs from Hassan in Sales.

Jack from IT

Hey Jake Ted here. Don't worry, we'll be sure to send an email recap of the Belize seminar to all of those who weren't able to come.

Ted from HR

ATTN: Ted in HR and Randy in Accounting,

Please come to my office immediately. Both of you.

Dave in Legal
>Yihab, Hijab!

Ted

I'll be out of the office for the rest of the day.
On a related note, Rashid has some assault weapons in the back seat of his car.

Wayne
Corporate Security

Hi Randy, Ted here. I don't know what "coarse language" you could possibly be referring to and rest assured that Dave won't know either.

As of today I'm issuing you an official warning, and the next one will result in the termination of your contract. Dave is fully aware of what is at stake here, and we are doing our best to deal with your situation as soon as possible.

See you

Ted from HR

Hey Dave Ted here, not gonna be there but just annihilate that lowly fuck. This Randy Bobandy has been a plague for ages, now that he's acting up we just have to make this escalate. He'll never see that coming that self-righteous prick.

Ted from HR

Ted,

Why is Rashid allowed to have a magic carpet in HIS office? You told ME "no decorative items are allowed in office cubicles"!!! If he can have a magic carpet, I should get my red stapler back.

Milton
The little cubicle

Ted,

You accused Randy of ****ing around. Whether you truly believe his work is being neglected or compromised in any other way, this is a discussion to be had in private, with senior partners and legal representatives present.

I suggest you respect the amount of authority allotted to your position from here on out. You alone do not have the power to fire an employee.

-Dave in Legal

Hi, Jenny the COO.

Me and the Board of Directors have decided to make a trade partnership with North Korea!

From now on we will be trading with North Korea.

This is strictly confidential and anyone releasing this information will be subject to death by the new North Korean Article IV, Section I3b, Clause Q.

Thanks.

Fuck off, Randy. Jenny is going to be pissed that you hacked her account again.

Mick
IT

Hi Milton Ted here. You are not allowed to use a red stapler because the Best Practices Handbook stipulates that the color RED (red) is to be used on fire extinguishers only. Is Rashid's magic carpet red b any chance?

Didn't think so. See you soon,

Ted from HR

Jenny,

Randy from Accounting here. I'm assuming this means that we will need to convert our financial records to the won? Thats going to cause quite a few issues with our bookkeeping. Please advise.

-Randy from Accounting
>Yihab, Hijab!

Hi Dave, Ted here. I think you do know I work in Carreers Management right? It's my prerogative to end carreers as well. And all you can do is supply me the forms to do so.

What I'm asking from you right now is simple, just tell Randy to fuck off right back to me and I'll handle it. See you.

Ted from HR

Ted,

You must have me confused with somebody else. My last name is not Bobandy. Nevertheless, name calling, if done at all, should be done privately.


-Randy in Accounting

Jenny

Hello, this is Jack from IT.

There may be a slight problem with your latest decision regarding the IT side of things.

Most of the software we use clearly states in the EULA that it cannot be used in or in support of the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea. Since 99% of our output involves the usage of this software and our new business partners do not have a comparable product, this puts us in a tricky situation.

Jack from IT

Ted

Fire is red too, want me to bring some of that to you as well???

Milton
Basement

Hi, Jenny the COO.

I've understood that and that will be handled by you.

Thanks.

>Yihab, Hijab!

Hi, Jenny the COO.

This is while we'll be converting to Red Star OS.

If there is an issue please contact the CEO.

Thanks.

>Yihab, Hijab!

Mick.

What the frell do you think you are doing? You know as well as I do that the board has to verify every single email they send. Unless Randolf has managed to kidnap the COO and steal her verification pebble, it would be impossible for him to "hack" the COOs email.

Pull your gorram head in.

Jack: Head of IT

Hi Randy, Ted here. Disregard the previous mail which wasn't meant to be brought to your attention. I'm going to plan a reunion to discuss the matters at hand as walle as your future with us asap. Tomorrow morning ok?

Ted from HR

Ted
cc: Milton

It's not a "magic carpet" you infidels!!! It's called a Prayer Rug! PRAYER RUG!!!

Regards,
Rashid

...

Hi Rashid, cc:Milton
Yes and it looks very nice. Besides it's not RED! Right Milton?

Ted from HR

Ted,

You have grossly underestimated my position in this company, and wildly exaggerated what little leverage you assume to hold. I am terminating this conversation until the senior partners can be brought up to speed and consulted regarding your position going forward. Frankly, your treatment of Randy today has been reprehensible. Whether or not you were aware that your insults and coarse language were being sent in an all-staff email, others have been offended as well. Please take the rest of the day off, with pay, while we sort this out upstairs.


Thanks,
Dave in Legal

>Yihab, Hijab!

Jack

In that case, I'm calling the FBI & State Department and telling them EVERYTHING. Jenny & Randopholis are FUCKED.

Mick
Witness Protection

Ted. Rashid.

I'm going to burn this place to the ground.

Milton
Not your lackey anymore

Ted,

After speaking with Dave in Legal, he has suggested that I disregard your requests for meetings for the time being.

-Randy in Accounting
>Yihab, Hijab!

Hi, Jenny the COO.

He won't be an issue anymore.

Thanks.

>Yihab, Hijab!

Hi Dave (and I'm going to assume everyone else), Ted here.

It's been lovely working with you all, and I was actually looking forward to the seminar this time around. I truly appreciated everyone in this branch and you are all wonderful people.

Except you Randy. You fucking suck. You can't do your job to save your life. And you got me fired from my 10-year job. You're happy now you faggot?

FUCK YOU RANDY

Bye y'all

Ted from HR

Randy in Maintenance,

This is Randy in Accounting. Who do I speak to about a large amount of feces on the hood and smeared across the windshield of my vehicle? I can't be sure, but Dave may be responsible.


-Randy in Accounting

Ted

GIVE ME BACK MY RED STAPLER BEFORE YOU GO!!!

Milton

Mick

Godspeed, you brave warrior. I'll do what I can from the inside. Check that address you don't think I know.

Jack: Head of IT

To: IT Department
Subject: Red Star OS

People, I've looked into Red Star OS.

It's frelling saint-like.

If you have objections, I will understand and will write referrals if needed.

Jack: Just the First Citizen

Milton you could come in a fucking red suit for all I care. As of your stapler I just used it to release my sphincters on the parking lot. Are you sure you want it back?

Hkello Jenny
Cc: Jack in IT

We seem to hkave a new security problem as someone is hkijacking my email. Please see correct fastly.

-Rashid from the home office
>Yihab Hijab

Ted from HR by the way

Whoever you are,

This is a clear violation of the OCUD. I will track you down and when I do, I will ensure that you will face immediate deresolution

Jack from IT

Team

Owing to the large number of sandniggers eating smelly nasty curry and shitting in the hall, management has made several changes to the employee handbook regarding acceptable food products and proper bathroom etiquette.
Thanks
Dwayne-H.R.

Hi, Jenny the COO.

Once we convert to our new Red Star OSS their new state of the arch firewall will defend us.

Thanks.

To Whom It May Concern,

It is with a heavy heart that I have made the decision to tender my resignation. Not many of you know this, but Ted from HR raped and mutilated my sister over 8 years ago. It is for this reason that I sought employment at this company, bided my time, and waited for Ted to commit a terminable offense. It does not bring justice to my sister's brutalized vagina, but I am glad to be able to move on with my career. To be honest, I have no idea what 'accounting' even is. I've just been scribbling numbers wildly, while smoking and wearing this green visor. Jenny, you may want to go over the books from the past several years. Them Koreans really should have done their due-diligence!

Randy in Accounting, OUT!

>'Aloha Snackbar!'

Looks like someone is heading to sensitivity training

Hi, Jenny the COO

It has come to my attention that Randy has retracted that claim.

Thanks.

welcome to the team rashid. looking forward to getting the lowdown on corporate's new business plan for the coming quarter!

congrats on the promotion Jenny! It's great that even though we started in the mail room together and you took 3 years of mat leave that you were still promoted ahead of me to fill a quota!