Amuse a drunk infantryman with stories

Amuse a drunk infantryman with stories

>be me
>PFC sitting in LP/OP on alpha shelf
>0200 raining balls
>patrol requests to depart
>wtfradiowontwork.jpeg
>wake up bitch partner and tell him to run down mountain to give word
>cpl comes spitting flames
>"corporal I sent fuckface to give word ten minutes ago"
>cpl relieves me to find PFC fuckface
>reach bottom of mountain
>trip and fall into massive puddle
>thereisnogod.txt
>look back and notice PFC fuckface knocked clear the fuck out
>carry PFC fuckface to squad leader
>squad leader thinks I did it
>ninjapumchinbound.rar
>sir calls him dumb bitch after explanation
>cpl who relieved me appears
>"cpl who's manning post"
>takes aim round to kevlar
>gets rekt by platoon sergeant

...

>Unit trains rangers and recon switching every few years. Recon guys have the latest toys military has to offer. Us rangers get nearly all equipment from the 80's because apparently "we'll die anyway".

>Regional Office messes up and sends too many new conscripts to the unit. Instructors don't send anyone back initially but just increase BS level. After six moths (half way for me) over 40% have been sent away due to reasons ranging from stress fractures to psychological problems. HQ gets angry.

>Training different movement styles in a sand pit because why not. Crawling for hours in the sand. At the end of the day everyone has road rash in their arms, legs and stomach and some are bleeding. Unit's nurse almost runs out of gauze and bandages.

>Instructor throws a satchel charge at us to see how fast we take cover.

>At live fire exercise. Everyone should sleep at least six hours a night. Nope. We spend our nights burning wet leaves and twigs in a big bonfire because the training area needed to be tidied up. Combat shooting feels a bit unsafe when you are about to fall asleep.

>In the woods. Someones ruck isn't properly camouflaged. Team is ordered to move our supply stash from point A to point B and back in the middle of night. After 20km and hundreds of kgs of equipment moved back and forth, everyone has properly camouflaged rucks.

>Cleaning the barracks. A bit of cosmic dust is found undera a bed. Repeat cleaning 10 times every evening.

>There's still more cosmic dust. Our room is seized because "we can't keep it clean enough". Everyone sleeps outside.

>In the woods for the Nth time. Not even the rainsuit is waterproof. It's December, sleet pouring horizontally for a week and temperature is around 0C. All clothes are wet after two days. Nothing burns in the tent stove. Near the end no one bothers with the tent anymore and sleeps in wet clothes under some big spruce. Whole body hurts for a month afterwards.

Ah. The life of a grunt. Shoulda joined the chair force like me, user. I got a nice big beer belly and chest full of ribbons/medals. I look like a fat fucking Mexican General. But thank you for your service. Carry on

>I look like a fat fucking Mexican General
That's a pretty good reason not to join.

bump

Should of went to officers school user

I will next fall.

Or reserve officer school to be specific. Won't matter much though. Tough situations can't be avoided.

Army or marines

...

bump

You at lejune or Cali?

Neither. I'm not even American.

Brit?

Nope. Why do you ask?

I have military stories about my violent acts during my service, which I blame other soldiers for and take very little responsibility for. I have a lame story about evading the warrior role. I have stuff regarding the stupid assholes I served with.
Which ones do you prefer?

Not OP but anything funny.

Test

Just wanna know which Army your in

I worked alongside some foreign mercenaries before. I was just curious as to what military service is like in other countries?

...

The definition of funny varies. Let's go with the absurdity of people's idiocy.

>Be comms guy in battalion
>Job is to take care of everything electronic between the command and the operating soldiers
>Comms platoon also takes care of computers and networking
>Report comes in about the parallel battalion having a receptionist trying to charge her phone on a militarized computer
>Computers work on a closed system with no connection to the global internet
>Our intelligence officer creams his pants over the potential intel breach
>We get briefed about it so nobody in our battalion does it
>We get briefed about these topics every other week so it blows my mind anyone could be this dumb to begin with
>Next week the sister of a guy in my platoon gets punished
>She's from the parallel battalion
>She's from their comms platoon
>She also tried to charge her phone from a militarized computer

I'm from Finland. Basically you'll serve six, nine or twelve months and the training can be anything from picking your nose and sleeping most of the time to feeling like dying because of dehydration, malnutrition, sleep deprivation and/or physical exhaustion might not be so bad after all. Some jobs just aren't as hard as others but generally speaking everyone walks out of there with enough training ans skills to go to war. You won't peel potatoes the entire time like in some other countries.

Pretty good. Give us another one.

A slightly salty leatherneck

West coast best coast

I was attached to 2/7 they were very squared away.

>Battalion in training base
>Weekdays in base, everybody gets weekends home (except for select warriors who need to guard the facility)
>We get tents
>Middle of burning summer
>Can't oversleep or catch up on sleep because you'll swim in your bed
>Emotional crisis occurs and I get into a fight with a guy from my comms platoon
>ohshitohshit
>Company commander doesn't have time for this shit, punishes me and the guy I fought with by not letting us go home for the weekend
>Because there's no better solution to a bad friction between two guys but to lock them in a boiling tent for a weekend
>Comms officer (my commander) sees me as the responsible one and leaves me the office keys for the weekend
>He was given and actual room as a temporary office for the training
>It's air-conditioned
>Parents hop by the base and deliver me a schnitzel baguette, coke bottles and a couple of books I was reading
>Entire weekend routine consists of waking up, having breakfast, going to the office, chilling, reading, internet, music, coming out for lunch and dinner, and going to sleep after sun goes down
>Other guy doesn't know about my key
>Other guy boils in the tent

>be me
>realize Iraq has no FDA
>get Iraqi kids to buy me coedine cough syrup

1/5, not enough camaraderie.

>be me
>know the mailroom pogs
>get weed shipped in, in peanut butter jars
>get so high me and buddy lose a humvee
>start selling to the bn snipers.

BE ME...find and save Det cord while on patrol just incase u shot an innocent u plant the det cord on them and suddenly u are hero for killing a terrorist

>be me
>know the navy guys at the hospital
>get an endless supply of free tramadol
>buy dice, and turn parts of the hospital into a makeshift casino.
>back at hq turn grunts into full blown degens.

>be me
>get hit by kids throwing rocks.
>Respond by throwing loosely capped piss bottles at them.

There was no camaraderie in my company. We were the support, not the warriors. The warriors were bros. I'd sometimes go to their rooms and join their gaming sessions or anime conversations. The folk in the support company were unmotivated fucks with shitty attitude and unparalleled stupidity. They emotionally abused me for months until I got into that fight.
I'm talking about people who, instead of guarding the base, go to sleep for 4 hours and only come out at the end to give the radio to the next guy. I'm talking about people who make you paranoid of going to the showers. I'm talking about people who'd sit and watch you sweat and strain to perform a 2-men job alone because they weren't ordered to help. I'm talking about people who'd make fun of you coughing uncontrollably, say you're faking it, despite you not being able to fall asleep because of your illness.

>Military uses older equipment the further you get from a certain border
>Battalion usually stationed in the other side of the country
>Cars don't produce power to the devices until you start driving because the batteries suck
>Shit malfunctions constantly and gets repaired as frequently
>My job is to identify problems and to replace complete devices until they work
>In room most of the days, go out when needed for maintenance
>Basically THE most professional and capable person of my platoon
>One day get called for an urgent case at 10pm
>Me and the next professional-on-paper guy
>One of the warriors' companies half an hour away has a malfunction in one of the vehicles' comms, and they need it fixed NOW
>Me and him and the head ordnance officer of the battalion get put on a car with both radio and car maintenance equipment so it can be fixed in this one ride
>We arrive, get shown the car
>Told radio doesn't turn on
>"Could you start the car?"
>Car starts, radio is off
>"Could you step on the gas pedal a bit?"
>Engine noises, radio turns on
>They didn't know about stepping on the gas

>The folk in the support company were unmotivated fucks with shitty attitude and unparalleled stupidity
so the fact that you ended up there, pure coincidence?

That's pretty shitty. Leadership should have reacted to this, becuase if support doesn't work, nothing works.

>be spc shit bag in Afghanistan
>training AUP how to drive humvees
>terp says its lunch break
>fuck it, pull out mre cause it's too much work to sign these morons into lunch
>get the candy from mre
>hadji kids along the wire begging for the candy
>4 kids around 5 years old have a royal rumble for skittles
>a new challenger appears
>a kid around 12 years old running full force down the hill grabs the hadji child and looks at us like we were the boss
>we nod and he decks the child with the force of Allah
>kid falls and he claims the candy for victory

God I'll never forget that, shit was the funniest thing I've seen.

Yes and no. Shitty unmotivated and physically injured warriors get "demoted" to the support company, where they're even more unmotivated. I was trained as a comms guy and got placed directly into the support company as a professional. I was actually the platoon's first properly trained person since the battalion got a makeover in the year following my arrival. It was like being the only civilized guy in a group of dindus, and it showed in my diploma of excellence and in the officers' appreciation of me.

>Battalion sucks
>Company sucks
>Get put on guarding duties often
>Middle of desert, need to guard base's entrance gate
>Boring night
>Can't use phone because watchful harsh officer can see the glow
>Said officer is both harsh and a top-tier bro
>He sat with a guitar on a nearby bench surrounded by a bunch of surveillance girls and a war room dude
>He played the guitar and sang like a bro and didn't mind me paying attention to his group rather than the gate
>Made that shift slightly bearable

That sounds brutal.
American or Northern European soldiering?

Finnish. It wasn't always like that though. There are many good memories too and I still miss those times.

>be me, only 5 jumps to my name
>get to Caserma, hey breh, grab rifle we jumping into Iraq
>ohshit.jpg
>welcome to the airborne user, the rigger said, as we manifested for the jump; weighed 389lbs stick weight.
>10 minutes; stand up, hook up, shuffle to the door (why am I doing this I ask myself; first combat jump since Vietnam though, so thats cool)
>2 minutes! Bashur drop zone coming up, damn my ruck heavy as shit man. Who needs an AT mine anyways?
>30 seconds, C-17 banks hard; sporadic Anti-air fire . . . The doors open, and the final clear to the rear opens the drop zone to operation Northern front, the 10 second slow down and drop to 450 ft above ground level Make he jump moderately survivable
>GREEN LIGHT, GO GO GO; I start running, turn right and take three bold steps into the night
>chute opens, fucking cool; going down like a rock. Jump doesn't last long, so it's hop and pop, I land 35 second later. Ride my shit in because I don't want to be dick winters with a knife in Normandy.
>what the fuck is all this mud? Aweman.exe
>paratroopers supposed to run off the drop zone but it takes 3 hours to wade through the cow shit and mud of the bashur drop zone. Get there just after sunrise.
>finally free of my chute and can take my ass to the assembly area to download mines and mortars I rode in.
>pause for a moment on the way to my company area.
>user snaps iconic photo of 173d insertion into Northern Iraq in march 03', subsequently becomes a meme.
>chuckle about this for years, /mysides
>subsequently see op's thread, made me laugh
>hey 11b OP, that shit was heavy.

>be me
>waiting for transfer to come in. Given just shit duty after it becoming clear I was transferring out.
>Told to wait next to depot for thirty officers coming in from training.
>Their gear is going to be my problem.
>30C, sunny. I c no officers.
>There are lawn chairs in the depot. They get deployed.
>There is soda in the depot. It gets deployed.
>Three hours pass. I c no officers.
>Mess bell calls. I go to lunch
>Return for duty
>Three more hours pass.
>Tan is getting awsome
>Mess bell calls. Go to dinner.
>Bring back snacks for "duty"
>More soda is deployed.
>It's Norway in August. Sun doesn't set until ten in the evening.
>Return to company building at about ten. Say I've been on assigned duty since 0600 and request to be relieved of it.
>Ossifer signs little book stating that I should get light duty next day.

Sometimes the army was a-o-k.

I was in the Norwegian army.
It was brutally hard, sometimes dangerous, but all in all quite fun.

Nah dude. The East Coast Overdose

>be me
>teammates "adopt" a mangy ass dog
>Said teammates leave the fucker in our can while we're out.
>Come back to a trailer full of shit and piss
>Teamates flip out and proceed to throw over hesco barrier.
>Dog finds it way back to our place, and follows me as I walked to the cp.
>I shut the door and left him outside, when I came out he was gone. Don't know what happened to him. It was sad.

What did you do there? What was your role?

>Desert base is a shithole
>Only one phone operator has coverage over the area with 2G internet sufficient only for texting
>Not a client of that operator
>Tiny unmapped patches of 3G reception around the base, otherwise no service
>Go several months' weekdays in flight mode
>Officer got tired of sending people to call to me from my room
>Gives me his subordinate NCO's military Nokia phone because she doesn't use it
>A basic Nokia brick phone that works with all mobile operators
>Know how to operate phone immediately because Nokia's interface hasn't changed in the last decade
>Modify it to my preferences, ringtone, everything
>Guard shift, front gate
>Surveillance girl needs to get a ride from the base to a more public place with actual public transportation
>Much like me, she doesn't have reception on her phone
>Asks to use my Nokia to make a call
>Hand her the phone
>She stares at the touchless phone of many buttons
>"How do I unlock it?"
>Literally any button press would display a message on screen saying "To unlock, press Menu", and upon pressing would say "Press *"
>Tell her to press the two buttons, and the phone is now unlocked
>She continues to stare at the phone
>"How do I enter a number?"
>On a phone whose face is half screen-half number pad
>"You just... start typing the number"
>Realize today's soldiers are too young to remember phones before touch screens

>be me
>Be Norwegian Armymans training to be sniper
>It's hell week. Five days without food and sleep.
>Day three is hallucinations day. Day three was fun.
>Day four was depressing
>Day five is shooting exercise
>Me and Spotterman get assigned duty
>"Dolls at 10m are friends you will cover." says sargeant
>"Dolls at 25 m and 50m are hostiles who you shoot" says sargeant
>"Dolls at 350m in the woods are also hostiles. You will kill them. Is this understood" says sargeant.
>"yas ma'm" says Sniperman and Spotterman
>"You take the closest enemies and move out, I go for the forest and move in" says me
>"Yes" says Spotterman.
>I aim. I shoot. It ended up being some of my best shooting. No high-tech scope, just the metal pin and eagle eyes. Hit in head every time.
>Five seconds into firing excercie I hear my spotters clicking his weapon into full auto. Full auto commences.
>All shots fired. All shots hit.

>All friendlies dead

>I has winnar teems.

So like Not Sure in idiocracy

this is me:
I started out in the infantry and trained to be a sniper. I was aiming for international service in Kosovo through NATO, but after training I ended up in an office, ordering office rat privates around while drinking coffee, cocoa and eating way to much food.
Trained 12 hours per day in the infantry and hogged a good 7k calories per day
Trained 0 hours per day in the office, but didn't manage to cut down on the food
Poof, 20kg heavier in three months x|

Still haven't gotten it off, 15 years later. I blame it on me still being in an office.

definitely done this also with my spit bottles

We threw frozen ones in the winter

Bashur DZ sucked

7k in calories? bullshit. what are you fucking 8 feet tall and 400 pounds?

yeah your going to keep that weight right up until you stop blaming it on shit. not everyone in an office is fat. the problem is just you. go excersize.

i was down in panjwai/zhari. hot as balls almost all year around. only got a few weeks of rain a year

Do marines have paratroopers?

I'm in the Space Marines and am trained in masterclass gorilla warfare.

Only the recon guys, no standing conventional units.

im a spaceship door gunner

6'0'' and 290 pounds.
At the time of the 7k calorie marker (I counted for a month to get the number) I exercised hard for 12 to 16 hours a day, and gained weight like a mo-fo. Went from 200 pounds (reasonably well trained) to almost 250 pounds and being ripped a.f. in three months. Got a doctor's orders to cut it out because I was harming my body. So I cut it somewhat.

I blame it on not being able to stop myself from over eating and that is ... wrong? huh? whaaaaa?

Captain said we were going on a short and fun drill and we were expected to have fun.

At equipment check we could get whatever the hell we wanted which was very unusual so i went for canned food instead freeze dried.

Backpack must have weighed +30kg excluding battle pack (weapons, ammo, explosives, comms, clothes ...) and i was pleased i got my hands on so good food.

Then we got our orders, 50km per day on foot for 7 days, regroup at every assault and be invisible to IR at all times.

>E2 in a light infantry unit
>about to deploy
>unit says we're doing NTC first
>about second week we're out in the box we have to take control of this mountain
>its cold as fuck. Yes California gets cold
>Starts to snow/sleet
>"hey dude its your guard shift"
>fuckmyass.jpg
>get wet
anyone whos been in knows once you get wet theres no getting warm again
>tell my squad leader that i cant feel my toes and that i think i need to have them looked at
>stop being a pussy private
>okay.png
>index a few hours later
>have my feet looked at by the doc
>frostbite
>had to have one of my toes partially cut off
>Squad leader and PL fried

I didnt get to deploy and i still cant feel most of my toes. the army was gay as shit, really glad im out. And fuck ft Irwin

you get VA for that?

no but really tho those in the military (excluding high ranking commanders who are educated) are super dumb fucks. everybody western militaries have fought in the last 50 years has been for hidden and political agendas of a few people

>I got a nice big beer belly and chest full of ribbons/medals.

Fat men in uniform are my fetish.

just shut the fuck up. the military is here whether you like it or not. also your sentence structure and grammar is pretty fucking horrendous to be calling people stupid. some of the smartest people ive ever met were NCMs. i enjoy fighting faggots like you at the bar.

yeah a little bit, but it really wasnt worth it man. When people ask about me being in the army i just tell them i dont want to talk about it. The whole thing is just really dumb and embarrassing.

>be me
>mout course, laser tag blanks
>try to do a dive roll into window like Rambo
>fail, and fall on my back in front of an audience of hard chargers
>later that day post up in a window "camping"
>someone sneaks up behind me and shoots me in the back of my head
>It was my teammate

fuck man that sucks. ive been in 12 years and pretty much have battered wife syndrome. hate to love it and love to hate it. here in canada VA is a bunch of cucks and dent people with legit injuries and grant people who are clearly faking it. doesnt fucking make sense to me

dent = deny

I guess you could say that. I was motivated, I excelled in mostly everything because apparently doing what you're told is a spectacular feat. I came into this service with the purpose of serving my country. Then I was put into that battalion... I did so well and was so appreciated, that even when I got into a violent incident where I choked a NCO, the battalion commander, a lieutenant colonel, let me go almost scot-free. He told me before the trial he believes my story more than he does the NCO's story, but official military business require him to believe the NCO's version of things as he was higher ranked.

>Still in desert base
>Battalion has supplementary Motorola radio equipment for its professional role as a search and rescue force in case of building collapse
>Superior professional brigade doesn't give a shit about where the battalion is stationed or what desert we're in, they only care about their forms
>Brigade's comms unit needs the four battalions to check their dedicated Motorola devices with them on a monthly basis
>Somehow expected me to do these checks from a receptionless desert base, approximately 200km away
>Get bothered about it from my CO because he gets bothered about it from the brigade
>One time get put on a car heading to the nearby city for a routine mechanic because the city has reception
>Need to somehow switch and check about 20 devices, connecting and disconnecting from power, speaker and microphone
>While in the back seat of a moving car
>While the driver listens to his loud shitty music and smokes
>While being shouted at on the phone by the guy at the brigade because he finds my performance "unacceptable"
>The driver doesn't even part at any point to let me calmly do my job
>Phone call gets cut off during the testing because we drove into the receptionless zone mid-testing
>My NCO angry at ME because the guys from the brigade told her about my UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR
cont.

>be me
>playing insurgent
>Throw a smoke grenade at passing convoy
>sets an entire field on fire
>local fire depot had to come out to extinguish it

Yey, I was a sniper team leader! It can be tough sometimes but there's nothing better than a cozy range day.
The amount you could eat there was amazing. No matter how much crap you forced down your throat, you would never become fat. Quite the opposite actually. I was 64 kg when I went there and 80 kg after twelve months but my fat percentage was much lower.

It's completely possible. When I was at garrison, I typically ate something like this during the day:
>Breakfast: 1 liter of cocoa, two sandwiches, a plate of porridge
>Lunch: 1 liter of non-alcoholic beer, four or five fist-sized potatoes, meat sauce, a small plate of salad, two slices of rye bread
>Dinner: pretty much the same as lunch
>In the canteen during evening: 1.5 liters of Coca-Cola, two glazed doughnuts filled with jam, 200 g chocolate bar (these alone are around 2.5k calories)
Basically you can eat as much as you can, if you're in hard training.

I hear that, the military is like that it just sucks and i have no idea how people stay in for as long as you. Sleeping out in the cold and waking up every morning at 0545 to go on a five mile run, screw that. I just wanted to deploy and get out but instead i just lost some toes because some asshole NCO didnt take care of his soldier. And yeah theres so many people that I knew that literally faked injuries their first few months in and never did shit and got like 30 to 50% shit makes me sick

i have a good tolerance for putting up with bullshit. im starting to wear out though. now i know why people with 20 to 25 years in are so fucking miserable. when i hear people getting VA for bullshit injuries actually makes me want to fight them but then i realize that me kicking their ass will probably get them more VA money some how.

>Get angry back at her for sticking me in this hellish ride where I didn't get a sliver of respect from neither the driver nor the ride-commander
>Tell her the guy at the brigade probably wanted to get it done fast so he can go home early
>Tell her these monthly radio testing is irrational and impractical for our current position in this base, and that the brigade can shove it
>Refuse to ever do that again

These monthly tests where a nightmare, especially in summers where everything happens outside in the sun, and we had to wait for the brigade fucks to be ready to test. There was a point in which I simply didn't give a shit about the results. The brigade fuck kept threatening he'll mark us as failed, as if that affects me in any way. Once or twice I had to tell him "then fail us" and hang up.

and sorry you had a shitty experience with the military, having a shitty or good chain of command can literally make a world of difference.

bump

Yeah people that stay in for that long are always so messed up, especially in the infantry MOS. And yeah really does rub me the wrong way, but i also blame the Doctors who arent doing their job.
Yeah It is what it is i guess, i even told him "sgt i really think i need to go down and change my boots at least" He just told me to shut the fuck up and do as im told. Maybe its a good thing it happened though because they didnt let me deploy afterwards. I couldve gotten shot or blown up

That's... really bad. I went through my service with a few mantras. One was "Before we are soldiers, we are human beings". That means that no matter what happens, no matter what idiot commander I might face, I expect to be treated respectfully and be given the necessary resources to live. 3 meals a day, 7 hours of sleep, respectful soldier-commander relationships, proper medical care. If I were in your position, I wouldn't take "stop being a pussy" as an answer. One, because of the disrespectful manner, and two, because of the health issue. Nobody, not me and not you, should lose toes to frostbite because of an idiot commander. "If you don't take care for yourself, nobody else will" was the mantra of some other soldiers.
There's also a matter of illegal commands which is shoved into privates in basic training and comes back once every few months of service. Just like how a commander can't tell you to shoot your foot, he can't tell you to stay out wet in the snow.

>Be me
>watch Trump sell America to Russia
>watch our "military' take an oath to protect Americans from enemies foreign and domestic
>then watch our "military" support Trump/Russia

kys

yeah the best way to deal with it is to put positive spin on it. tours are a weird thing, you want one so bad, get there and realize it wasnt like you expected. absolutely hate your fucking life running around in 40°C with 80 pounds of gear and then when you get home you take up heavy drinking, blow your tour money, find out your wife cheated on you and miss being overseas even though youhated it so much.

>be me
>have to drive through shitty ass village every day
>Coy Comd thinks it's good PR to give water to kids
>Throw water bottles to kids
>they throw rocks back
>one day, get hit in face with rock
>fucking pissed
>drink a shit ton of water that day and piss into the empty bottles
>next day, throw the piss bottles to the kids
>kek as they take a swig and realize it's piss

>implying you would not get shafted by command.

Not if you don't get caught.

Bump

im a jap gundam pilot

chair force reporting in

where ya at op? Bragg checking in, alcoholics ano- I MEAN ALL AMERICA ALL THE WAY

Guy who loves men in uniform bumping

bro how many wings do you have

What OS do militarized computers run?

Surviving hard times can be gratifying.
Is air force like this?
>Canteen runs out of doughnuts
>War is hell

I think it was Windows, but they had a different internet called the sipr net that you needed a secret clearance to access.

Thats how there was a large computer virus in korea years back.

lmfao no

29 stumps claims me for now