We post our favourite story's from the Bible

We post our favourite story's from the Bible

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The exodus narrative, obviously. Lots of plagues, sorcerers, massive miracles, god striking people dead, and the weird "bridegroom of blood" passage.

Psalm 91

Joseph, who was betrayed by his brothers, left for dead, used his divine powers to interpret surreal dreams, and trolled his bros when they came to egypt for grain. Him fucking with his brothers was the best part.

The rape and burning bush one

I said story

The beheading of John

The one where the old hag turns to salt

Samson. Slayed armies with the jaw of an ass, told riddles, sent a horde of foxes with torches tied to their tails through the fields of his enemies, was betrayed by a woman and blinded, then killed more people in his suicidal destruction of their temple than he ever killed in life.

Apocalypse, when they start to open the seals

Actually haven't read the bible, but i mean to soon. Anyone wanna summarize a good story out of it? I'd be interested in hearing. I wanted to read the story about the angels who go to Sodom and Gomorrah and almost get raped by the townspeople.

Which one has the orgy in that city where gawd gets jelly and pretends to white knight civilization?

No shit. Exodus is a story. About the Jews exodus from Egypt. Following along?

The one with phillip schofield in?

>favourite
>story's
a eurocunt and a retard

Balaam's Ass.
Also, Abraham, the ancestor of the Jews, haggling with God to see if he can save Sodom and Gomorrah. Jews used to use their powers for good, it seems.

Psalms 4:20
And Jesus said to Peter; come forth and ye shall receive eternal glory.

Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

Destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah was pretty good. Fire from the sky, transformation into pillars of salt, hordes of angry perverts trying to rape angels, and ends in drunken incest

Jephthah's virgin daughter being sacrificed cause god gave Israel a win in a battle. She got a month to mourn cause she was gonna die a virgin.

The one that says faggots are unholy

The one where Jesus gets into a little fight and his mom gets scared so she sends him to live with his Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air

>Anyone wanna summarize a good story out of it?
read wikipedia

MOSES

Wait, is that the one where he whistles for that cab, but then when it gets near the license plate says fresh and it has the dice in the mirror?

>Balaam's Ass.
this gave me mad chills when I heard about it the first time

the one where god tell to bake over cow shit after he begs god not to have to bake over human shit

Yeah! Then Jesus is like "If anything I could say that this cab was rare" but then he forgets it and yells "YO HOLMES, TO BEL-AIR!!"

Leviticus. because widespread hypocrisy of cherry picking Christians in modern times is both hilarious and sad. God hates fags, but it's apparently ok to violate all these other rules. because reasons.

Stories* God damn

the passion of christ. betrayal, sweating blood, torture, execution, the dead rise from their graves, etc

What time does he pull up to the house, user?

Like 4.

Not really a story, is it? Just a list of rules and regulations, many pertaining to the priesthood.

the story where jesus is black OP

...

...

around 7 or 8

technically true, but it is a fun read in modern context.

That's Fresh Prince retard, Jesus gets there like 4 hours earlier.

there is much debate among scholars regarding what exactly is hanging on the mirror, but yes, generally it is agreed that he takes a cab

it's easily the most dry and boring book in the entire bible.

In Exodus where god comes up on the road to kill Moses and Moses' wife circumcises either him or his son, I don't remember, and throws the foreskin in front of God and says "I am a bloody bridegroom to you" or something and God kinda nods like Jeremiah Johnson and leaves and doesn't kill him
wtf the bible is retarded

you goddamn right

it's dice. it's foreshadowing for when the centurions cast lots for his clothes toward the end.

The one where the concubine gets gang raped to death and then chopped into 12 pieces and each piece of her gets thrown into the 12 different tribes.

judges 19:25

Sadistically badass

this nigga knows what's up. most people don't know this section exists, that god wanted to kill moses because "reasons". one of the more mysterious parts of the bible, no one really knows what to make of it.

Where does this happen again?

The one where if you are gay you get killed.
fucking faggots.

you said "story's"

Well, it starts in Bethlehem, Jerusalem and ends in Bel-Air, Jerusalem.

Yes yes it did... Pornhub is now investing in time traveling capabilities to record this taboo scene.

Your right

The book of Esther. Ending is great, revenge justice at its finest (her enemy ends up hanging from the gallows he built for her foster father)

also true, yet it seems to be the one of the most relevant to people in how they think everyone should live their lives.

some say there was nothing hanging on the mirror but they are retards don't believe them

when God tells Ezekiel to eat shit. true story

12 Eat the food as you would a loaf of barley bread; bake it in the sight of the people, using human excrement for fuel.” 13 The Lord said, “In this way the people of Israel will eat defiled food among the nations where I will drive them.”

14 Then I said, “Not so, Sovereign Lord!

i always found the jesus story kinda lackluster compared to the great creativity in the old testament

Genesis 19:32

Job.

It depicts an earlier version of the devil, where he is just a member of yahweh's heavenly council, basically a vestigial pantheon

Then at the end Yahweh speaks to Job from a fucking tornado and tells him he doesn't have the right to question why shit happens because he's a puny fucking ant and he wasn't even there to see God kick Leviathan's ass (sea serpent)

no he tells him to use human shit instead of animal shit to fuel his fire in the desert. not to eat it. you retard

this is a common argument, but some scholars posit that there was no cab at all, and jesus rather walked for 400 days without food or water to reach the holy city of bel air

Old testament was dope as fuck. Old Testament is like Dexter Season 1 and New Testament is like Dexter 8.

weell youre the most dry and boring book on furchin

well actually he says use human shit as fuel, E says no. god says ok then use cow shit. but what ever.

the bible is about men noticing their inherit degenerateness, much like Sup Forums anons.

And his Uncle Phil STILL whupped his black ass!

17 So kill all the boys and all the women who have had intercourse with a man. 18 Only the young girls who are virgins may live; you may keep them for yourselves.

they aren't eating shit, just using it to feed the fires to bake bread

yeah but unlike most of the OT the crucifixion was probably a historical event, which is cool. I think the shining moment is when he looks on his executions with a father's love, really shows the fullest extent of his message of forgiveness. the earthquake/risen dead that accompanies his death is cool, as is judas's death. but yeah, not quite as epic as samson.

but we all know that's just bullshit

heavy metal jesus

49 “I have come to set the world on fire, and I wish it were already burning!

Hallelujah

God, manifest himself in the flesh by way of a virgin. Lived a sinless life, fulfilled countless old testament prophecies and the law, healed innumerable people of ailments, performed innumerable miracles. Was shamelessly murdered in a torturous fashion, being nailed to a crucifix. Died and came back to life, in so doing PURCHASED eternal life for all those who BELIEVE and receive the free gift of his atoning sacrifice.

>>> #greateststoryevertold

All that Daniel/Shadrach (lions den/fiery furnace) shit during the Babylonian Captivity was pretty good.

Genesis 32:22-31
Jacob Wrestles With God

22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”

“Jacob,” he answered.

28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel,[a] because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”

But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.

30 So Jacob called the place Peniel,[b] saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel,[c] and he was limping because of his hip.

TLDR, Jacob drank some wine that was stored in acacia barrels and had a dmt trip, he rolls around on the ground seeing god face, and basically being reborn

Proof?

idk if its how the story actually goes because i saw it on fucking south park of all places,
but the book of Job, where no matter how shitty god treats Job and no matter how much pain he is in, Job without fail gets on his knees and worships the same god that is causing all of his problems.

really makes me think about stoicism and all that SHIT

Here you go

sometimes the lord gives, sometimes the lord takes, blessed be the name of the lord

naked I came from my mother's womb, naked I go to the grave

human shit smoke will get on the bread you retard

There's so much proof... it's ridiculous. If you truly wanted to know the truth, you'd be able to find it... but you love darkness rather than light because your deeds are evil.

shit particles also exist on your toothbrush. you eat shit every day, you shit-eating shit-eater

I like the one where Jesus comes into the temple and sees all the Jews trading and flips their shit cuz they're jews

and god said upon anonymous No.724711994 "yes"

>unlike most of the OT the crucifixion was probably a historical event
how dare you

because no city called bel air has ever existed in the 500 years that the world has been around amen

And then they were like Jesus fucked with the jew gold he has to go.

i just cant stop. NO! I WONT STOP!

i have take n this into account already and keep my toothbrush in a separate room inside of a toothbrush case so fuuuckkkk you

just get 2 toothbrushes and label them

one for teeth, one for butt

Myth was BUSTED

Their methods and experimental design are really sloppy, plus they don't repeat experiments.

It's up to you to repeat it.

youtu.be/DDc7-oya1Qg?t=5m10s

This is what occurs to me:

>1.) Smell is our olfactory nerves absorbing particles in the air

>2.) Thus, there are shit particles in the air when it smells like shit

>3.) Particles stick to moist things

Thus, I am brushing my teeth with my own shit.

Nice thought experiment, Descartes. Now put down the smartphone and go give Princess Christine the Dick before you freeze to death in the Scandinavian winter.

Translated to English, this post reads:

>[AUTISTIC SCREECHING]

Jesus has some good stuff tho too. Mostly about what a badass he is, pic related he's asleep and the 12 have to wake him up to keep the boat from sinking, after which he goes right the fuck back to sleep.

...

It's a sublime melange of historical events and Sup Forums memes