I'm 24 years old and I think it's time for me to die.
D student, some college, grew up in Alaska in a town that has a nickname for being riddled with syphilis. All the jobs out here are stupid, mostly mom and pop shops or franchises where the same people have been working for 20 years and arent going anywhere.
Parents were military. Their lives were great. I really wish they didnt fuck up their marriage with kids. Mom wanted a girl, Dad wanted mom to be happy, mom had 2 boys before having a girl.
Raised the oldest son to be an asshole but he is truly genius level intellect with aspergers social skills. The youngest daughter turned out to be a manipulative whore who constantly lied and stole from my parents. She was still the favorite.
Then there's me. I do not have a single memory of something happening in my life where I wasn't an annoying useless stupid arrogant piece of shit. I tried doing nothing wrong, but it just made it so I did nothing right either.
My life is going nowhere. The house I moved into with my friends is being sold by the landlord. My parents would welcome me back to their house, but I have higher standards of myself than to come crying back to mommy and daddy when things don't work out.
I'd rather kill myself. Sure the rest of my family would be sad, maybe even devastated, but it won't be for the rest of their lives. They'll move on, and eventually they'll be happier without me.
Cost of living keeps going up in this god-forsaken country and the wages just keep getting lower. It's not a matter of trying harder anymore, I've failed every chance I had. It's time to let the smart kids have their playtime without me.
Anyone else feel like ending it and getting out of everyone's way?
I felt exactly the same way a year ago. I was 25, living with my parents and working as a dishwasher. I was the biggest piece of shit out of anyone I knew.
But I persisted. I finally feel ready to go back to school. I started actually reading books instead of just LARPing having read them. I worked my way up to busboy, and now I'm a server and making like $25 an hour on a good night.
I'm finally moving into a house with some roommates next month, and getting a new job in a brewery. My plan after that is to apply to community college and learn a trade as a draftsman so I can actually have a career.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem user. it gets better, I promise.
James Watson
So u livestream ur death or What?
Isaiah Edwards
*PPPPPPPPPPPRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTT*
Brayden Thompson
I'm sorry to hear that, but don't give up. You might be in a much better place a year from now. Why not go backpacking/ travelling after you are kicked out of your appartement, maybe just for a little while? Greets from the Netherlands
Ryan Diaz
Man up OP. You're in a rut. Understandable why. But do yourself a favour, grow some balls and make something of yourself.
How?
First step get out of your environment.
Move to Florida, Arizona, Texas. Anywhere. Start your life over somewhere new.
Be a new person. Leave Alaska and the Alaskan you behind.
Its only a start, but a huge step in getting your life on track. And probably the best thing you'll ever do. Good luck mang.
Jack Morris
Did anything change? Were you experimenting with drugs? Did you have a Near Death Experience? Did you have your heart broken?
My problem is I've had none of the real issues in life hit me. I havent broken a bone, I haven't been in a fight, I haven't had a death in my family...
I've been so sheltered my entire life and being on my own for not even a year, and I've lost all the control of my life I never had.
I don't wana "be ready" to get started. I gave up on college because the community college that's the only one I can afford is just power point accademy... I can't learn in classroom environments, my authority issues are so bad that when anyone arounds me tries to act like they're "in charge" I immediately lose all respect for them because I believe their power is superficial and not earned, especially when they're the "you're free to fail" professors.
Lincoln Anderson
>yself. Sure the rest of my family would be sad, maybe even devastated, but it won't be for the rest of their lives. They'll move on,
Moving isn't a financially feasible option. I have triple digits in my bank account on a good week. I can't sell my car. Minimum wage is lower in the lower 48 and cost of living is almost just as high.
You're not the first one to say this to me though, and it only makes me feel more inferior, as if I'm missing something so fundamental in life that travel should be easy but it doesn't seem that way to me.
Jeremiah Allen
>yself. Sure the rest of my family would be sad, maybe even devastated, but it won't be for the rest of their lives. They'll move on,
>Anyone else feel like ending it and getting out of everyone's way?
No? That's the worst reason to end your life. "Other people don't like me, better top myself". What are you thinking? If anything you should be fucking with these retards and then clearing off to go live your life somewhere else rather than sucking up to them.
You're at the point in your life where you have very little left, which is great because it means you have very little to lose. Just do what you want.
Samuel Walker
Its not the travel I'm suggesting. Its a change of scenery, to be around people you don't know.
No probs if you don't wanna go to the lower 48. Move to Juneau, Anchorage, Nome even! Just get away from where you are.
A change of scenery is the first step. But yeah I agree- keep hold of your car.
Lucas Green
its not easy man and you can do it if you actually want to, it sounds like a lot of whining over superficial things, you have problems with authority obviously, but each time you should really check yourself, be someone that can be above that authority don't just act like it. and yes traveling and moving is just a pain, I lived in new mexico all my life making 7.15 and hour maybe pull in 600 a month at best, my friend needed help in Washington state I moved there with 1000k in my pocket minus the ticket price got a job as soon as I landed pretty much and only made enough to have 35$ each month in my account to pay for food, just hot dogs and ramen for the next 3 years. It was a pain, I was a bit miserable, and I like you had huge problems with authorities. Took one jackass coworker to set me straight, " You ain't better than no one else man, and if you were, you wouldn't be acting like no jack ass," and he was right I was like dude...I am an ass, and worked at being someone better. Over the years the friend I loved betrayed me, my parents died, the family turned their back on me so they could take my parents estate, literally on my own and I am still here, you know why and it aint because I am a badass or something, but it just because I know the shit road ends when you want it to end, and this life has taken too much and it'll keep taking unless you keep ahead of it, be the person you want to be, and if not be a person that can add something to this shit show of a world, if you feel you cant live for yourself live for someone else, because out there pain is relative, but everyone's in pain, help find a solution or be a solution bro, I know you can do it.
Juan Barnes
>it means you have very little to lose
You do know that once my bank dries up, I won't have anything right? No internet connection, no phone, no car insurance, no place to live, and probably no job.
How do you a comeback without those things?
>Just do what you want
This is another one of those things that I hear so much that makes me feel like a fucking failure. All these people out "doing what they want" and I just want some fucking stability. Every job I've every had has been being hired part time and having to compete for up to 20 hours a week - thats why I suck up to them, for the money. If there was an easier alternate form of income I'd take that in a heartbeat.
If that's going to change, I need a job in that new area - not going to be easy for someone who has no qualifications and not living in that city because they could hire any of the thousands of college students or military brats who already live there.
I just can't do anything without money and now all the cards in my hand to move up have been folded.
Hunter White
>waaah wahhhh i dont want to go mum you cant make i be an hero americans and their non-problems
Samuel Ward
Never had a car, didnt have a phone that wasnt a 5$ top prepaid and no of those other things BEFORE being homeless for 6 months, and how do you come back? You work man, you work your ass off after you really appreciate what you had and you want more GREED is the fuel you'll be using.
and don't cry about not knowing about what you want, I am 28 feel old as balls, went to college for 6 years, 35k in debt and I have no fucking clue what I want to do, just that I want to earn money while i figure that that fuck out, theres no guide book or role model you gotta follow in your life to be worthwhile, you just live and you live how you want, dont wanna be poor? work. Don't wanna be lonely? Go find a chick. Don't wanna be sad? Find something that makes you happy.
Ethan Gutierrez
Right there, that situation is what I want to avoid. I'd rather end it early than have to experience the pain of failure - like having cake only to eat it when it's awful.
It sounds like whining over superficial things because it is. I'm a sheltered brat who was "raised right" with the christian beliefs and never went over to other kids' houses and didn't have a door on my room till I was 21 - moved out when I was 22.
My life is only worth anything to the people who raised me, and I honestly don't give a damn about them. They want to do what they say as long as I live under their roof because they're my parents, but that sounds just as selfish as "I didn't ask to be born."
pic related
Bentley Scott
also you live in fucking alaska capital of the seasonal jobs that pay shit tons, go work a fishing boat or fish processing plant if you want money, a cushy server job is not gonna be something thats gonna pull in money.
Adam Perez
Not really it was just a slow gradual change. I remember wishing I could have some crazy dramatic experience that would set me straight as well but it never happened. I learned to love learning on my own again by listening to podcasts as I slaved away in the dish pit. I also don't care much for the education system but I am willing to go through it now - especially now that I feel equipped to analyze the way a teacher thinks and reflects that to the class. I learned some important lessons about organization from being a dishwasher - if your environment is cluttered so will your mind.
Even if you have a boring or menial job try to take a certain minimum level of pride in what you do. I have way more respect for the old guy who also does dishes at my work and is very efficient at it than the 19 year old punk ass kids who are always on their phones and being slow.
Simple piece of advice: clean your room! I cannot begin to stress how important it is to have a tidy environment on your mind. That's the best first step you can take. It doesn't have to happen all at once.
Carson Bell
>seasonal jobs
That just means they bring the same people every season. I got to work one of those remote North Slope jobs for 3 weeks as a temp after being referred by my friend who worked there; he got the job cuz the hiring manager knew his dad, who's a trooper. They brought me up and made it clear that I didn't belong and wouldn't be coming back - they didn't really give me a chance to prove myself either, just "listen to that guy" and getting pawned off like being picked last for dodgeball every time for 3 weeks straight.
Samuel Ortiz
Sounds like you're making excuses. Of course be cautious, you need to be making money. But even unqualified people can get jobs. There's always need for waiters, night porters, cleaners, gas station attendants. Do that for a couple months, meet people, see what opportunities open up.
I understand being a rut as you are you won't listen to any advise. I hope, really hope that all these anons wanting to help makes a difference.
Remember, you're a man. That's a cock and balls in between your legs. That's a fucking privilege to own that junk. Pull your socks up, start doing exercise, ween yourself off the net, if doing substances or alcohol-stop, and start acting like you have authority. Stop being triggered by people who have power. Just become one of them, it ain't hard man.
Nolan Young
It is a loose and selfish act to kill your self.. work on yourself and self esteem.. do the fishing part just to earn some money.. move to Europe ( not U.K., shit hole of all the places here) the wage are higher in north Europe better health care and pretty girls.. Scandinavia... I am from dk the worlds happiest people.. we are that for a reason.. better way of living and don't give up when it gets tough.. so change your life instead of being a dick to everybody around you and do such a childish act..
Jeremiah Garcia
SC here. Compared to cocaine use, suicides, alcoholism, motorcycle deaths, cancer, robbery, poorest health, rape, obesity, bankruptcy, drug use, aids, etc, "Most mobile homes" doesn't sound so bad. I might even go so far as to say that Utah's "Porn usage" is the only one that sucks even less than my state. I live in an apartment btw.
Hunter Gutierrez
Failure is what you make of it man, you gotta take something from it, and when you do its not a loss, its just a label. we fail everyday, sometimes every second, but its what we make of it that defines the word "failure". I think you need to do some deep thinking like seriously deep thinking about yourself. P.S If your really that intent of taking your life, I am living pretty damn cushy right now and wouldn't mind paying your way for some fun, Hell I'll pay for the drugs so you can try life on easy mode as a girl.
Eli Fisher
Failure is what I make of it? Every time I've failed, the only thing I get is the sound of my own voice repeating back to me what I just said or done and having mini panic attacks about how everyone around me reacted or didn't react to it and why. I'm not capable of making anything else out of it.
And I don't want any fun. I want to stop being a liability. The cost of keeping me alive is too much, and I want to cash out all my chips before I end up being the user that lives in his car and has to steal food and take showers in lakes.
Jacob Lewis
Honey badger is definitely your spirit animal, your angry at everyone else and especially yourself. I am thinking you may need some outside help, maybe see a therapist or something, and yeah panic attacks sucks, I had them for 4 years when any group larger than 5 people was around, I would scream and then shit my pants, yeah I was real popular growing up. Maybe this hardship is what you need, to really find yourself, and you know that user had that someothers didnt a car, thats an upside, try finding more in your life man. Also it'll be more fun for me, and you can't be too expensive making a cool 2k extra a month should be easy to take care of you, unless your a princess.
Samuel Jackson
I budgeted my expenses.
100 for phone 90 for internet 175 for car insurance 100 for food 100 for gas im paying 300 a month for rent now which is a steal but soon this house will be gone..
Here's what the housing situation is if I wanted to live alone and keep my job in this city.
There's no way I can afford any of these options when my income is 600+tips a month.
1k a month would be a windfall to me. As long as I could have a bedroom and an internet connection I don't really need anything else. My hobby is cooking and I hate cooking on electric stoves but I could always get a propane camping stove.
Kayden Bennett
> hobby is cooking > hobby is cooking > hobby is cooking If only you had an interest. Something you liked doing. That people wanted. And were willing to pay you money for. Yeah, something that could earn you money. If only...
Jason Martin
Nice, but we can do better, I am looking at a the tickets and its 600 for one on the first to where I am at, I got all that junk already, even a spare car. Just depends how serious you are about moving out of that life of yours and starting your new "life" here. Even know a good therapist that could help you out on the down low so you don't get a record of seeking therapy.
Camden Jones
Future Housewife.
Ryan Price
>this
Foodservice is a dead-end job field with more and more positions being outsourced to machines. I actually did have a job where my friend was the manager of this coffee shop that sold paninis, I gave them the menu item the Pizzanini - Foccacia with garlic aioli fresh tomato red onion roasted red pepper black olives pepperoni and provolone. It got really popular but they took it off the menu cuz it "wasn't selling." My "friend" then decided to let me go so he could hire his queer friend who he thought needed the job more than I did.
I started hearing alot of complaints about the food after that.
If you wana make money with food, have machines make the food and hire just a couple people to serve and clean.
If I had the money, I'd open up a pizza joint thats got hospitality and make people wana come hang out rather than have pizza delivered, id make all the food myself to my standards because I wouldn't be able to trust anyone else to make it the way I want - that's why it's hard to be a good cook without formal training.
John Ross
Do they have real mac and cheese in Alaska? Like the proper creamy stuff?
Start a fucking business you big pussy OP. Just do mac n cheese, maybe garlic bread too, sell it from a stall at $10 a pop incl a can of soda.
How hard is it to get an idea and make money. Do I have to do everything for you?
Jack Thomas
(sort of) related; ask a guy who just downed 25 sleeping pills anything
Nicholas Scott
How sleepy does it make you, been suffering from insomnia and been taking about 7-8 to do the job each night, and it only makes me sleepy enough to take a nap.
Evan Peterson
Location, location, location. Alaska is one of the worst locations in the world - no (good) local resources in terms of produce, you could say reindeer meat is Alaskan but its just dry gamy meat that's even more expensive than Venison.
Your demographics are military families, college students, and old people - all people on a budget with limited recreation time. Most of the young kids up here don't even know how to cook after being catered for all their lives - if it wasn't for my parents telling me to cook my own food (not teaching me, just letting me figure it out) I would be in the same boat.
Angel Sanchez
People gotta eat. Lots of people have disposable incomes. You've shown initiative with the pizza thing.
Work on yourself first before trying the work thing. Get healthy, do some simple exercise, keep a routine, keep regular sleeping hours. Do that for a month, you will start to feel better and clearer headed about things.
I think you can make something of yourself with food. Just don't try force it at the moment. Let the idea come to you. Good luck! I believe in you, in a non corny way. And don't listen to kings of Leon. They are shit and depressing
Justin Evans
when you gotta go, you gotta go
Xavier Johnson
You're prolly asleep OP, dunno what time it is in Alaska. But suggest you come back early tomorrow night and repost when people are still awake.
Kevin Nelson
They won't be happier in the future. I don't know what your relationship is like with your parents, but for even the most dysfunctional families, a death like yours would scar them forever. Even on their deathbeds, your parents and siblings will still probably cry for you and be willing do give up everything to have you back.
Smoke weed, OP, you'll feel better and have a great time. Also exercise, eat healthy, get laid, and have a social life. Try doing what this chart says before you try to kill yourself. The way we feel is a result of our lifestyle and genetics, and you can make yourself feel better if you want to. And if your having difficulty doing these things, take therapy or find other help, and change your approach.
Christopher Roberts
>My parents would welcome me back to their house, but I have higher standards of myself than to come crying back to mommy and daddy when things don't work out.
bitch talk. everyone goes back home these days.
suicide is going to destroy your family.
have fun with that.
Ethan Evans
Seriously, OP, how is it more noble to kill yourself then to be supported by your parents for a while? In your early twenties too...
Jacob Collins
That stupid graph is implying that without sex you cannot have a sense of morality. >Who the hell takes that bait.
