Why am I so impulsive? So fucking crazy? Why do I lose control and why do I hate...

Why am I so impulsive? So fucking crazy? Why do I lose control and why do I hate, manipulate and hurt mself and others around me? How can I escape this idiocy? Im working everyday and try to improve, reading, meditating reflecting and still, im not more than I was 6 years ago? Could it be that im just plain and simple dumb? Too stupid to understand what I had to and that why Im suffering? Why is it inmportant for me to suffer? Why no just letting go? How could I improve myself and stop being the piece of shit i am? What is wrong b?

You're a human. Your first mistake is believing that you are somehow different for being a manipulative shit head. You aren't different or special. Most people are shit heads. It is our nature.

stay frosty

I don't think you're dumb. Dumb and crazy are similar in that genuinely dumb people think they're smart and crazy people think they're sane.

Maybe you're just not letting yourself move on. You admit that you've been reckless with others, but have you actually forgiven yourself for it? It's not a sin to be forgiven.

yes yes, sure

BUt shouldn't the realization alone be enough to emergence from my self-imposed immaturity?

Thank you and you are right, I havent. In the past 6 years I thought that I have redeemed myself throught trying to commit suicide, beeing a better person and it worked. But sometimes, this ""evil"" core just comes around and takes over. Im not diagnosed with anything, yet, maybe, I just have a multiple personality disorder I mean. Cant be that its just nature lol ur fine

Opioids man, changed my fucked up life into something numbed, at least I have a little bit of peace

ADHD and Bipolar Type 2 here.

Go to Pysch, get meds, see if it changes. Adderall stops my impulsive behavior and lets me hear the voice in my head. Brainfog gone. Other meds stop my hypomania.

You're just a faggot cuck.

Being impulsive, mean, and manipulative aren't YOUR traits; you've inherited this from someone close to you.

That's why you feel like shit. Example:

My mother is a stupid, guilt-tripping cunt that thrives on sentimentality and manipulation. She exaggerates her minuscule accomplishments (dropping out of college twice and acting like she's an MD), and belittles anyone she dislikes.

At 17 I found myself becoming my mom, whom I already hated. Distanced myself from her, realized my weaknesses, and improved.

Now I'm an Ivy graduate with a great job, travel a lot, am reserved, but not afraid to cut loose for pussy when it suits me.

Life is good.

Ive got so uncontrollable that one night I killed my dog just because it felt right man, nowadays I just lay on the couch shoot up and like magic nothing matters anymore feels gr8

Dubs speak the truth, I didn't realise that I was doing the same and being passive aggressive, and manipulative until 23.

I stopped that and improve my ability to socialize.

I never understood opioids. I've used many different opiates, chased the dragon, etc. Don't get me wrong, it was hella pleasurable, however I don't see much it vs using GHB. I guess it's just drug of choice.

this fog, can you describe it? Nearly all people I talk to describe my thoughts as chaotic but taking meds, would just make me feel numb again. Something I just cant let happen, since I really just want to try to live and be more than I am and I cant when Im not me. At least now, Im more me than not, with meds, I felt strange.

Just some weed now and then with some wine keeps me going. thought abou trying fentenyl but really just need to graduate first and even than, I need to keepgoing. I need to secure my life and the lifes of my loved ones first.

I love my life, thats why Im trying to find a solution. Sup Forums is full of people that are lightyears infront of any psychiatrist Ive ever talked to. Its and interesting thought but im alone for 3 years now. Sure i had problems with my mom but she changed as have I . All I woant is more stability. There moust be knowledge and this place seems fitting to hold it.

horrible friend, I dont judge you for doing what youve been forced to.Im glad you are doing at least fine

ghats the problem, I can socialize and win trust but al I do with it is to distance myself a) and b) to abuse it. Maybe Im some fucking sociopath? Shit what is this weird fucking dream

Yeah man the drug of choice, each one have yours and mine is heroin

>this fog, can you describe it?

So imagine trying to think. You have this voice you can mentally "hear" and regulate your thoughts. This is referred to as a filter.

I like this "filter", so rather than organizing my thoughts in a consistent way. I simply say what I instantly think, either I understand the situation or I don't. It's 0 or 100.

>Nearly all people I talk to describe my thoughts as chaotic but taking meds

My ADHD does that, I get motor mouth and just have all this ideas in my head that I just got to get out.

>meds would just make me feel numb again.

I don't take meds anymore because I enjoy the madness of ADHD. I was quite unhappy when I was medicated (started at age 24). I gave no fucks when shit happened, had no dreams, no goals. Fuck that.

>At least now, Im more me than not, with meds, I felt strange.

It took my 3 months to recover from SSRI's and get my personality back. I'll never go back to meds, just not me.

I mean I don't have a filter*

Thats what Im talking about.
SSRI'S and benzodiazepines just make me sterile, senile and docile. Something thats not really me, Im better off trying to control myself when being in that chaotic foh alike state, than when Im not caring. Thats why i stopped drinking (hard alc) and doing hard drugs. I mean, sure, the possibility that I fucked up because of drugs is there but how can I, who is wake, not being able to recover and control my state of mind with the sheer will? In the end, its all there is but it seems not enough for whateber reason, which again, makes me some fucking snowflake I am not. What a thrill...

Anyway, sorry vfor the blog, i slept only for 2 hours. Keep being humane Sup Forums, user.

The "mom" thing was just an example.

When I said you have traits that aren't yours, I meant just that: you inherited them.

Ask yourself if you LIKE to manipulate, deceive, be mean, etc.

I'll say that you do not, otherwise you wouldn't regret things you do. Regardless of how long you've been alone, or changed, the question is: who are YOU, exactly?

Who is it that you'd want to be if you're not satisfied with who you are. If you can work towards those answers, you can work on casting aside your automatic need to be (or act) like an asshole you don't want to be.

All good bro. Mental illness sucks because you can not tell if you are doing something because that's what you want or if it's just a product of your mental disorder.

Ignorance to bliss.

Probably best that you see a doctor if you think that you're not in control of yourself at times.

If there's anything that I could say that might bring you some relief now, I guess it would be to start confronting intrusive and negative thoughts.

Whenever you get a flashback of some incident you caused that makes you cring, or some intrusive and negative thought pops into your mind, instead of taking that thought to heart, step back from it and analyze it.

Ask yourself
"Is this thought helpful?" If it's not helpful, dismiss it. You could even talk back to your thoughts, like "This isn't helpful to me, no thanks." It sounds dumb, but it's the first step of taking control of your thoughts. Be critical of them, practice analyzing and filtering out unhelpful thoughts and soon enough it will happen automatically.

You could even rub salt on the wound and forgive yourself for it. "Yes, what I did was bad and I'm sorry for it, but I have to forgive myself and move on. I forgive myself."

I hope that helps a little. But in all honesty, I think you should consider professional help to ease the burden. Especially if you have suicidal ideation and concerns of not being in control of yourself at times.

But user. Sometimes, it feels wonderful to be a piece of shit and sometimes, more often than not, I regret it. Its and endless war and it seems, totally and absolutely normal. Still, its the foresight Im missing. I know the consequences and Im sane when doing what Im doing but my logic says that its redundant to act like Im acting while my feelings are going crazy while doing what I am doing. I need to balance shit out. I hope it comes with age but since Im 24 now, I kinda start to panic. maybe its the hormones? Maybe Im overthinking and as you suggested, acting like a special snowflake but still, if the will dictates everything else has to subdue. Why am I also week/not strong enough to force my will upon my logic and therfore on my urges and instincts? I just know that I cant enjoy, for the love of god I cant enjoy any single good thing happening to me, thats how full of myself I am. I swear being human is a bitch.

Im glad I have it and while I want to get rid of parts of it, there are parts I totally love and can utilize but others, are just human, pure chaos. I cant just sit around accepting it whithout studying it. Im glad it works for you but thats not my path.

Ive seen a doctor,. Systemic therapy is bullshit, hypnosis is macabre, person centred therapy is too vague and psychotheraphy too archaic. All concepts im very well familar with so no, talking to a big money bitch about my problems is stupid since they are not more than that. Its the mysticism and humanity that Im searching my answers in, even the occult since it existed for longer than any therapy nknown to man.

you cant say anything just talking is reliefe enough.

>Ask yourself

see above.Its pure madness and chaose and while other do enjoy it as I do sometimes,, sometimes. Im still in seatch of greater control andsimply asking questings is not enough since wrong questions could be also asked leading to wrong asnwers leading to more errors. (---patr2)

What I need is the foresight and this is pure intelligence, or what is my understanding of it so Im asking you. Am I doomed to wander this place as a hull of what could be only because Im not intelligent enough to percieve the adverse effect of my actions or my thoughts?
Otherwise you are of course tight but again, special snowflake , Im not really suffering but in seatrch of greater control my thought s arent able to offer me. Yes you are very helpful, keep talking to people that are in similar situation, maybe they havent thought about your wisdom.