It's one of those rare times where I turned to you deranged fuckers for advice. There will be a tl:dr at the bottom.
I'm in a band with three other dudes. They're all straight, I'm gay. They have absolutely no idea that I'm gay, and with the amount of gay jokes they make, I'm kind of glad they don't.
I plan on being with these guys for a long time, however, so keeping it a secret for that long just isn't an option. The problem is that they do a lot of grab-assing as a joke (pinching nipples, smacking asses, general joking-around guy shit). I'm not aroused by any of this, I'm not attracted to any of them, but I appreciate that they're comfortable enough with eachother and with me that we can joke around like that.
I'm concerned that if I tell them, the dynamic of the relationship will change. I'm concerned they'll start making less gay jokes (in fear of offending me), I'm concerned they'll treat me differently or unintentionally alienate me, etc. They're great guys, I'm sure that they wouldn't have a problem with it, but I really like things how they are now.
Wat do, Sup Forums? Should I tell them now, rip it off like a band-aid and hope for the best? Or should I keep it to myself as long as possible, because it's really not an important aspect of my life?
tl;dr I'm gay, my bandmates aren't, they have no idea I'm gay, I don't want the dynamics of the relationship to change based on my reveal. Tell or not tell?
>I'm concerned that if I tell them, the dynamic of the relationship will change. I'm concerned they'll start making less gay jokes (in fear of offending me), I'm concerned they'll treat me differently or unintentionally alienate me, etc. They're great guys, I'm sure that they wouldn't have a problem with it, but I really like things how they are now.
If you tell them; and you tell them your concerns about telling them as you said above, that you're not attracted to them, etc; I think things will be fine. May be a little awkward for a bit, maybe not; but I'm sure it'll work out.
>Also musician who's been in several bands
Joshua Brown
btw, a bit off topic; what do you play, & what kind of group is it; out of curiosity?
Jeremiah Gonzalez
be proud of who you are. I have a few gay friends who are much happier once they came out.
We still make gay jokes around them and they dont care one bit. They even join in sometimes. Just be proud of who you are, you get one life so dont feel like you have to hide it.
Chase Nguyen
I thought of that as I was typing it, just being really clear with them about the whole thing. I think that's probably the route I'll go. It's just difficult, because there's one guitarist that I know will treat me differently from the get-go.
Daniel Campbell
does ur first name start with B end with W
Jonathan Taylor
shit im stoned, first name b last name W
Kayden Hall
I'm a bassist in a progressive metal band. inb4 that gives my identity away somehow xD
:] cheers, man. Being gay just isn't a big deal to me, idk. It's not a huge part of my life at all. I'm not flaming, I don't have a lisp, I don't have limp wrists, hell I don't even like anal sex. I just don't want them to think I'M different just because of who I'm attracted to conventionally.
Levi Martinez
Nah, not even close, thankfully hahaha
Luis Reyes
thought u were a friend we thought was gay for a really long time and was about to be relieved to the max. just tell them bro, if they dont like it they're faggots. its 2017 bro, biebers fucking tranny hookers in brazil, a reality television start is our president. and Elton John is gay, i mean whoulda thunk? just be u bro
Jose Carter
I want that second sentence on a t-shirt.
Eli Gray
also, thank you, I appreciate that.
I try to hint and shit, too. They're SUPER straight, like the equivalent of a flaming faggot. They show me pics of girls and shit, and I always just shrug. They still haven't gotten my many hints lol
also elton was on my fucking captcha. That's a horrifying coincidence.
Juan Thomas
I think it'd def be more awkward over time trying to keep it hidden; both for you & for them once suspicions of it started. It's a pretty deep platonic relationship that forms playing with people as I'm sure you already know; I've felt more of an intense, nonsexual connection with people that I've played with than any girl I've ever had a sexual one with. Kind of illogical & counterproductive to try to hide that kind of an aspect of yourself, when you're already sharing your creative core, which is far deeper & more intimately personal than your sexuality. And cheers; drummer myself. Played just about everything BUT progressive, kek.
Carson Hughes
where are you from? could probably have something to do with it, i just moved from nashville burbs to chicago burbs, and the tolerance level for basically everything is different, in a good way.
Liam Gomez
Absolutely LOVE progressive btw; just never been in one for one reason or another.
Jackson Powell
Yeah, i've actually never really had friendships this deep. Like, I've been in bands before and of course I've had friends and best friends, and still do, but being in a serious band is a very deep fraternal connection that I wasn't prepared for.
I mean my drummer's sister is now his brother, he's accepting and loving and doesn't give a shit. The lead guitarist makes the most jokes, but he has a good heart, and the other guitarist is the only one I'm worried about. He's already really generally standoffish and quiet, I don't want that to factor further into it.
Progressive is so much fun. It's Djent, specifically, but it's honestly the hardest music I've had to play in my life. I love that, makes me a better musician just playing with them. Feel free to post your band, always love to check out new music. I'm not sharing mine for obvious reasons.
Thomas Allen
east coast. Very very accepting people here, nobody really gives a flying fuck WHAT you are or WHO you are, so long as you leave them the fuck alone.
Mason Gutierrez
Tell them. When an opportunity comes up, tell them that you're not attracted to them. If they stop making gay jokes, make gay jokes yourself. If they cannot accept it, they can go fuck themselves. If you don't tell them, you're gonna end up crafting a giant net of lies and new lies to cover the old ones and you will always be tense around them. So why hang with them in the first place.
Also, when you're tense, you clench your ass cheeks, which will make it harder for you to enjoy it when they spit roast you after the gig. Don't create problems for yourself. Others will do that job for you.
James Powell
Definitely something different about people with whom your natural inner creative voice 'clicks' with; almost enough to make one believe in fate, kek. >I'm not sharing mine for obvious reasons Completely understandable, wise, & recommended given this place. I don't really have much online, only older stuff from 2 bands not all that far removed from one another; but here's some of it: youtube.com/watch?v=CRje7oQ3dLg
I'm really not lying at all though, so much as I am omitting the truth. They've never asked me directly, I've never said I was attracted to women, or that I wasn't attracted to guys, and if they ask me questions about women they see, I answer honestly or shrug. But yeah, I agree, it's not telling the whole truth.
Good points all around.
Nicholas Evans
What a badass snare sound, so poppy. I dig it. Kind of Psych-Rock meets acid jazz with hints of krautrock? Reminds me of Mars Volta or something.
Benjamin Allen
Sent you a message, btw
Carter Bell
Thanks man; proud of that snare. A tama soprano. I'll have to dig up the logins to those; haven't been into either since my last comp died.
Andrew Morales
>I'm really not lying at all though, so much as I am omitting the truth. The thing is, at some point you're gonna lie. In one situation they'll ask you: "Wtf, are you gay?" And you're gonna say no. And some other time you'll stand them up, because you want to visit your boyfriend/hookup and you're gonna tell them: "I can't, I have to... water my plants or whatever." And if you're successful with your band, there will be groupies, and they will wonder why you don't touch them etc. etc. And at some point all of this is gonna crash down on you. Even if it doesn't, you'll constantly fear that it will. At if it does, they'll think back to all of those little instances, which suddenly make sense, and loose all respect for you.
Whenever they've asked that jokingly, I just kind of laugh. My guitarist asked me jokingly the other day, "What are ya, a homo?" and I just kind of laughed, but he shot a glance. I think they suspect, at least. I'm kind of hoping they'll acclimate through osmosis? In a way, I'm kind of hoping a moment with the groupies will lead to a reveal, so I don't have to initiate the conversation (cowardly as that is...).
I'm not ashamed or worried, I should make clear. Just tentative about when and how to tell them, I guess. You're certainly right, though.
Gabriel Sanchez
I dont understand this post.
Michael Allen
How about just being uncomfortably straight up with it whenever it arises.
Like, they are going to notice no girls around. When they ask wtf man go for it, You just reply "you know I'm gay right?"
They might as well already suspect/know it and not give a damn for all that you shares
Carter Cruz
Came out, got beat up really bad,broke several bones .
Nolan Ortiz
Oh man, I'm sorry to hear that. I am positive that won't happen here. I'm sorry, dude :/
Ryder Anderson
>I'm in a band Stopped reading there
Gavin Moore
Ch-ch-ch-checked!
Josiah Sanders
and yet felt the need to comment. thanks for the bump i guess.
Matthew Smith
ya missed a few
Cooper Sullivan
They're one of those ones I've heard the name of here & there, but hadn't gotten around to actually checking out; thanks. I definitely see the reminiscence.
Jesus dude; that fucking sucks. I'm sorry. Where I grew up; there weren't really any gay people that I knew of personally. As a teenager, a friend in my circle of friends came out as bi, I was honestly a bit turned off by the reaction of some. There wasn't any violence or anything, but he ended up getting shunned by a couple guys who felt really uncomfortable/had family borne prejudices/were mostly offended that we'd had like group party/sleepovers & what not without knowing (like that'd made a huge difference). A friend of his was the first gay guy I'd ever been hit on by, and I was just impressed by the balls it must have taken to do so, & told him I admired that, even though I had to turn him down as I'm not gay. I had enough trouble (& still do) approaching girls; can't imagine having to approach someone you're interested in with the added "may end up beating the living shit out of you" factor. Rejection itself is bad enough. Good luck with it man; I can't imagine it happening in this scenario, but here's to hoping.