Be me

>Be me
>plague doctor, around the 1640s
>a man comes into my clinic, whining like a little bitch
>I hit him with my cane
>he pulls himself together
>"Mine own jointress is v'ry sick"
>I go to his house to see his stupid sick wife
>I open the door
>walk the dinosaur
>I get to her bedroom
>She has vomited blood all over the walls
>alasnope.woodcut
>tell them to stay there while I maketh a cure
>tell villagers that the woman is a witch
>they burn her house down
>when the fire is gone, I spend the next day poking their bodies with my stick
>I am a doctor

i fucking need more!

nothing wrong with this

I'm not sure why but you have my attention please continue

>I am a doctor
I am a S.T.A.L.K.E.R.
I hunt followers of the monolith
I cure them of their affliction
The only antidote is high speed lobotomy

i shall posteth m're of mine own adventures anoth'r timeth, peasent

As you say good dr

Hey doc,

Do you read MHA? How do you like your depiction in the 8 precepts of death?

my cure is most effective

>Be me
>Attend highest medical university
>Two-year doctorate
>1/4 of classmates die from bad humors
>feelsbad.tapestry
>sent to village
>collect flowers for beak along the way
>see group of women flagellants
>see leather whips flail
>sinfulriseinnethers.scripture
>arrive at village
>bodies in the street
>bodies in carts
>gravediggers hunched over wooden shovels, dead
>fucking Mondays

...

alas, black bile fucketh thy up the most..

The Logical Path is always the best path.

>be me
>a plague doctor
>getting ready for another night out in the ol' plague-ridden town
>stuff some lettuce and tomatoes in my fucking bitching mask
>tomato won't fit
>push it in harder
>it bursts, there's tomato juice all over my mask
>there's a knock at my door
>can't risk it being another sick person
>quickly put on mask to open door
>tomato juice leaks all over
>open door
>plague ridden dude staring at me, was about to say something until he saw the tomato juice dripping all over
>says he'd rather die of the plague than partake in whatever the fuck was happening
>leaves, no longer have to burst open another person's disgusting ampules
>no problem dude
>2 hours later vigilantes and townfolk at my door, led by the sick dude
>apparently Im being accused of witchcraft
>my house is sealed off
>set ablaze
>suffocate from fumes and die
>veggies inside mask were useless

Such is life in the dark times

>be plague doctor
>travel to town to help their humors
>walk into first home
>whole family is dead
>jesuschrist.canvaspainting
>take three copper pieces because three year doctorate is expensive
>go to next home
>seven children lay sick and dying
>husband has not returned from war
>busty mother/wife is taken by hysteria, cries silently the whole time
>look over kids, pretending I know what to do
>shake dying boy's hair with my left hand because I have good bedside manners
>milf is sobbing now
>Iknowjustwhattodo.scroll
>prescribe to her hysteria treatment
>put my left hand up her dress and attempt to release the pent up womanly devils
>takes me a while, she tries to show me what to do
>lolwomenpretendingtheyknowmedicine.prose
>after a long while the devils are released
>shake boy's hair again and tell him it'll be okay
>take silver fork as payment
>walk outside
>govenor and retinue are there in shit covered streets
>"Cometh quick doctor, my daughter lay near death"
>jewishgeldgalore.woodmarkings
>follow troope to large house
>no bodies or shit in the street
>"I see that thou is a man of culture as well my lord"
>led to a pale sickly girl
>her humors are bad
>everyone's humors are bad
>three year doctorate is a scam, no idea what I'm doing
>"Our prayers aren't working doctor"
>shitthatwasmyonlysolution.scrapofpaper
>"I will collect ingredients for a poultice"
>leave town and head for witch's hovel since their stuff occasionally works
>bandits rape and kill me over my copper and fork

>kid with autism comes into my doctor castle
>doesn't wanna talk to me, just wants to flap his hand
>i know what's wrong with him
>i am a doctor
>tell him he needs to lose about 8 fathoms of blood
>tell him this will make him flap less
>remove 8 fathoms of blood from autist
>flapping stops
>breathing stops
>doesn't matter, he's cured
>i am a doctor

>another doctor comes into my castle
>his mask is scarier than mine
>feel like patrick bateman in the business card scene
>keep old timey shitty spaghetti in my robes
>i am a doctor
>ask him what the problem is
> he says his mask is stuck on
>what
>he says his mask is stuck on
>i say i heard you the first time faggot, i just dont know how did that
>he says he dunno
>okay
>get out my old timey knife
>cut face a bit and mask comes off
>doctor has huge boils and shit that were holding it in place
>the mask didnt stop this
>i rationalize that he probably used the mask wrong
>the mask cannot fail
>tell him his veins got crossed and this made his face swell
>tell him he needs to uncross his veins
>tell him he surely knows how to do that cause hes a doctor too
>he doesn't want to admit that we're full of shit so he nods and leaves
>forgets his mask
>i clean off the boil juice and wear it
>i am a scarier doctor

Put me in the screenshot for this one

Mine ventures, handily compiled into a single parchment.

>chilling in my shitty room right next to the castle
>some bluebloods come in
>bow and shit
>the younger one has headaches
>father tells me he has some delusion
>ask what it is
>he thinks there may be land across the great ocean
>after telling him he would just fall off the earth he says he heard some greek fucks tell him the earth must be round
>and not the center of the universe
>and he starts asking how we even know the bible is gods word
>it's worse than I thought
>time for some good ol trephination
>"Drill or hammer?"
>Hammer time
>shove leather in his mouth and get started
>blood everywhere
>he screams and struggles
>stops moving
>pull pipe out, a little brain comes out with it
>he's alive
>somehow
>send them home
>he'll never be able to speak but if god forgives him he may live
>if he dies he burns in hell
>obviously
>father pays me with a loaf of bread
>fuckin' score!
>Harlots for a month
>but first I should burn all these morning-patients lying around my room

>rubbing my dick in doctor castle
>runner shows up, all sweaty and tired cause he's a runner
>act like rubbing my dick was a medical procedure
>im a doctor
>he tells me his lord's daughter is possessed by a demon
>nigga do i look like a priest to you
>doesn't matter, lords have coins, and i like coins
>go to lord's castle
>shit is pretty bullion
>he takes me to his daughter
>10/10 loli lyin in bed whispering
>tell him i need some time alone with her to assess her condition
>ask her to undress
>not pedo cause medieval times
>she just looks at me with crazy eyes
>make the sign of the cross with my fingers to see what happens
>she starts spazzing and freaking out
>starts screaming
>dad rushes in
>get out bro i need more time
>i am a doctor
>she starts saying blasphemies like "look at my ankles" and "court me for a week before kissing me"
>shewantsthed.stonecutting
>the doctor d
>give her the doctor d
>she calms down and stops thrashing around
>still whispering and shit, still crazy eyes
>id call that a cure though
>go see the dad, tell him she's cured
>but i should probably still stop by every once in a while to check on her
>tell him i might be drunk to help my doctor intuition when i come
>he gives me his carrier pigeon number or something
>he gives me a turbo diesel stallion to ride around
>act like this is every day shit, grinning beneath my mask
>thinking of all the bitches im gonna pull on this steed
>go back to castle in style

Yes why do you ask?

>>put my left hand up her dress and attempt to release the pent up womanly devils
>>takes me a while, she tries to show me what to do
>>lolwomenpretendingtheyknowmedicine.prose
kek

How much do you charge.. i need bypass surgery?

riding around on pimping steed
>can afford servants now because of lords daughter gig
>hire servant to be my subwoofer
>he just sits on the back of my horse with me and makes really low annoying sounds
>pisses off the peasants
>tell them it will help their constitution and give them strong backs
>they decide they like it now
>that's right you do
>did i mention i am a doctor?

anyway

>peasant tells me his back hurts
>no shit dude you work in a field all day
>say he needs something for the pain
>whut.portrait
>tell him the pain is caused by the fog that rolls into town at night
>that's probably the truth
>(doctor)
>tell him he needs to seal his shitty peasant hut up better so the fog doesn't get in at night
>peasant says okay
later...
>riding around on pimping horse, have subwoofer servant playing dubstep now
>he's curing the masses
>peasant sees me again, waves me down
>what now
>says his pain isn't gone
>tell him he didn't do it right
>go see his cottage
>obviously not airtight
> tell him he should lie face down in his bed and cover himself up with more blankets
>says he cant afford more blankets
>theshitihavetoputupwith.tapestry
>tell him to use an animal's stomach as a sleeping hat
>has to be airtight because of the fog
>as we're talking peasant gets run over by wagon and dies
>whatever
>get back on horse and listen to more dubstep while cruising for wenches

I would say a loaf of bread, 4 if you want me to rid you of prostate fluid.

Why are you replying to me? I definitely didn't quote your story

BUMPETH

Sign me up!

you were there and i was lonely.... Did i mention i am a doctor?

Moar

My sides are in pieces.

keketh of the maximus

>be me
>be plague doctor
>peasant arrives at my door
>"Come quick the lord is in trouble"
>run past piles of dying poor
>wave to a woman who gets weekly hysteria treatments
>curse the jews as I run by
>see a decrepit two story building
>shit lines the street
>pigs and chickens roam in and out freely
>angry drunks with swords glare at me
>Ah, the lord's mansion
>Finally. I am a doctor, not a courier
>walk into dining hall
>metal bowls and utensils everywhere
>beautiful mosaic in the floor is covered by vomit, blood, and shit
>classyplace.decree
>led to lord
>gluttoneously fat
>heavy breathing
>body odor overcomes my beak scents
>ask him if the fat is the trouble
>Lord gets indignant
>says he has painful lumps around his areshole
>fuckingranhereforthis.royaldecree
>I doth protest but it is my job
>have to stare at his asshole in the candle light
>sore looking
>more hemorrhoids than a maternity word
>rub animal fat onto his asshole
>tell him to eat more solid foods and lose weight
>lord is getting angry
>tells me he'll pay me to leave so he can find a better doctor
>tell him it'll be tree fiddy copper for having to touch his fat ass
>lord gets belligerent, calls me a Jew
>fucking heated
>march straight to bishop and inform him the lord has been taking male confidants in the rear
>bishop seems uncertain
>tell him to look at his sore asshole
>bishop has heard enough
>we light several faggots and jews on fire along with the lord
>everything is in disbelief that he is homosex, he had raped so many little girls
>man's wife can't believe she sired children with a gay either
>I fingerbang her when she develops hysteria during the burning
>now she sends couriers all the time and I pretend I don't hear them
>wrists hurt from so many cases of hysteria
>I am a plague doctor

...

bumping for interest