Be vlad

>be vlad
>chillin' in my castle doing ordinary human things
>turkish envoy comes looking for tribute
>don't want to take off funny hats
>lol ok
>Igor, bring me my coins and my nails
>force feed them the coins and sow their mouths shut for safe transport
>also nail the funny hats to their heads since it can get pretty windy in Transylvania
>ship coins to sultan
>he will surely appreciate how considerate I am being
>notlikely.parchment
>why am I always so misunderstood

Cine stie?

>be vlad
>minor nobles arive at castle unannounced
>they want to make peace with the Turks to better the economy
>what a splendid idea
>"come up, my dear subjects, Igor will make you diner and we can talk about it!"
>ohshit.manuscript
>scramble to hide the bloodless corpses of naturally deceased Turks I have laying about for some reason
>how awkward lol
>the fuck is taking them so long
>Igor mistook my meaning and cooked the nobles
>oh Igor

do continue

>be vlad
>go for vacation to the Ottoman empire to broaden my horizons
>huh, those are some weird looking trees
>stare at them with a puzzled expression
>Turkish lad notices and says "you like? it's our way of welcoming your people"
>how curious
>go back home to bathe in ethically obtained human blood for reasons of dermatology
>Igor enters
>"my liege, the Turkish army has been sighted on our border"
>perfect time to show my knowledge of their customs and display my skill in diplomacy
>instruct my men to errect a forest of funny trees to greet the Turks
>the army stops, prostrates itself and routs
>didn't stop to say hi though
>whatIdothistime.litograph
>weird looking tree calls me a monster
>why are people always so mean to me?

...

>be vlad
>invite minor nobles to a gala for sick orphans at my castle
>nobles love it, give money and get drunk
>finally, my work is being appreciated
>what a success
>hear ruckus upstairs
>a bunch of nobles screwing in the decorative sarcophagus that I have in my bed chamber
>ah, the frivolity of youth, how endearing
>"hope you're not offended, my lord, but who doesn't love getting the stick in strange places"
>lightbulb.etching
>say no more, fam
>the nobles are going to love this surprise
>everyone freaks out
>keeping up with young people is getting harder by the century

Underrated thread is underrated.

this one i don't get someone please link or explain

>be vlad
>playing transfusion specialist with bae in the dungeon
>peasants gather in front of my castle
>"m'lord, us peasants are people too, we is! give us the power to decide our own fates!"
>ah, such noble ideas among my people
>decide to consult ancient greek texts and revive a system called "democracy"
>hmm, some groups might get in trouble without adequate representation
>decide to stimulate the scale of the funny tree community
>this should make our Turkish community feel welcome
>"two birds with one stake"
>peasants change their minds
>peasantsareweird.fresco
>I know what's wrong
>I send the peasants to diversity training
>Igor says they don't like the way their nail secured funny hats feel
>I explain to them that I can't change how windy it gets here
>they blame me for all their troubles
>I'm disappointed they're not ready for democracy
>how sad

Vlad was known for impaling people from their asses up to their throats

Vlad the Lad

Great thread

Fantastic

Continue here or move to Sup Forums?

Dare to go on, OP..?

>You will never see a Netflix original medieval sitcom where Vlad and Igor get up to mischief.

Might get banned on Sup Forums

fukken lol

great thread OP

>be vlad
>fail miserably with the Night Attack
>get captured by Turks
>get decapitated
>your head served to padishah on a platter

wew lad, what a life

I imagine that having Johnny Depp as Vlad. I'd totally watch it.

I'd watch the fuck outta that.

..and then the autistic kids shows up

hello OP. your thread is as miserable as your life. get laid you fat piece of shit.

Based Vlad, wish our leaders would do this type of shit to the roaches and muds today

we have let roaches and muds become our leaders

Nah fuck Johnny Depp. I like him, but I'm sick of that nigga being in everything. Keep him as a backup, but give someone else a chance.
>Eddie Redmayne can be well meaning, but absent-minded Igor
>Oded Fehr can be a whimsical, but slightly petulant Murad II
>Omid Djalili can be a senile Mehmed II who likes go around groping house maids and making references to breaching their Theodosian Walls or some shit like that
>Dave Chappelle is the Ottoman court jester
I haven't decided who should be Vlad yet.
So would I.

vlad is love ..dont hurt me

>be vlad
>testing out new mustache oils in my bed chamber
>Igor stumbles inside in panic
>"My lord! Your favourite golden cup has been stolen!"
>start panicking
>I've never cleaned that thing after playing with bae
>what if the thief uses it and it tastes like iron
>he'll think I'm a slob
>so embarassing
>call for a manhunt to warn the rascal
>the cup shows up in the village the next morning
>peasants flee at my arrival
>dafuq.etching
>the cup looks licked clean, surrounded by a bunch of bloodless bodies
>eew, I'm not touching that saliva covered thing
>I decide to let it slide
>I have the bodies put on stakes to signal the lad that he's welcome to take it if he wants
>year passes, noone claims the cup
>crime is reduced by 100% for some reason
>not even mad

that wasn't even me

ah fuck forgot the pic.

>Dave Chappelle

stop blackwashing user

cute eyes

Ottomans had African slaves; it fits the story. I don't give a fuck about your cultural agenda shit... Although Chappelle would also likely ruin that. I need to rethink this.

...

Holy shit how retarded are you?

holy shit, how triggered are you, stupid twat.
you are on the internet remember that roach

Guess that answers that then.

>be vlad
>approval ratings are shit
>decide it's time to get to know the peasants
>take a carriage and head to the countryside
>take a few men along in case the peasants need help with anything
>thiswillupmyratings.oilpainting
>spot a poor farmer working on the field in the middle of a hot summer's day
>what a lad
>his caftan seems a bit short
>ask if he has a wife to take care of it
>wife is brought in front of carriage
>ask if she can't fix the man's caftan
>she mumbles something, but I can't hear shit cause of closed carriage, and can't exit cause skin problems
>they seem kinda brown though... maybe they're Ottoman
>well the caftan can't be helped
>I've got an idea
>decide to honor the farmer by elevating his wife to weird tree citizenship status
>next day, return to check on the farmer
>caftan fixed
>farmer prostrats himself before my carriage as I arrive
>I think he likes me

I'm noticing that the quality of these has dropped, so I'm done with writing for today. Feel free to add your own shit, just know it's not from OP, if that matters to anyone for whatever reason.

>be vlad
>repressed sexual tension.deadseascroll
>ottoman slave girls in dungeon
>not race traitor if I don't make them preg
>hardon
>open door
>get on the floor
>everybody walk the dinosaur

>cut from belly to breast to check baes not pregnant

>Cut her a little bit
>Cut her a little bit more
>Get on the floor
>everybody walk the dinosaur

>impale the dinosaur

>make dinosaur honarary weird tree

bump for glorious thread

Sexual repression is not something you'll find in a middle ages European lord.