Too bored and can't sleep. Let's talk about whatever

Too bored and can't sleep. Let's talk about whatever

Feels?

Yes pls

You ever go for late night drives for no real reason besides to be going somewhere?

Just posted this in the old feels thread, but it was RIP by the time I got there:

I'm just realizing lately that I really don't have any true, close friends who actually give it shit about me. I've always been the loser of pretty much every friend group I've been a part of, and I've never been able to figure out why. I'm about 4 days away from finishing my first year of college, and I'm just so dissatisfied with how my year has gone. Hasn't been the sex filled party every weekend kind of paradise I was expecting, literally never even kissed a girl until I drunkenly made out with some blonde at the only real party I've ever gone to, which was back in January. Not even like I'm all that unattractive. 6'0, pretty lean, blue eyes, all that. Grades have been no problem though, switched from business major to engineer. Honestly the reason I did it was just to make myself as busy as possible. I can't give myself time to stop and think, otherwise everything mentioned above catches up with me and I end up feeling really depressed. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't think I'd ever kill myself, but it's pretty tempting at the moment. I really wouldn't mind having some horrible fatal accident, but I just couldn't kill myself on account of what that would do to my family.

I would if I were able to drive. I can't even use a bike properly. Every time I decide to have a ride with it I get hit by a car

I like to run late in the night. Nice and cool outside, no people to be seen, and it just lets me escape my own thoughts for a while. Drives let me think too much, and gas costs money.

Ah, that's unfortunate. That reminds me of the time I wrote words on the internet and they cut off my dick.

Alright, so I've been given the option to move out with my aunt and uncle. My dad has legal custody over me and for the most part he doesn't seem to care so long as I vist. My mom won't know about the move but only see here about every other month. Should I move out with them?

I can't run through the night. I'm way too paranoid to be moving around the streets at night as the slowest moving thing on the road. Night bike rides are also good though

Kek. I lack spatial attention, ofc it doesn't happen all the time

I'd love to do that but that's not possible if you live in a shithole

Always hated bikes for some reason. As far as the paranoia, tbh I'm thought about suicide way too much to worry about that anymore. Didn't mean for that to be so dark, it's just true haha.

Why not tell her first?

You think about suicide when you no longer find a reason to keep living but have you ever considered that it might not need one at all?

Im sure this is not unique but, I'm so fucking usless, i cant even manage a fucking fast food job. And not nearly smart enough for college, I cant even join the military due to my bipolar disorder. I would an hero, but I dont want to do that to my family

Considered carrying?

Of course you are good at something, maybe not specifically a thing that fits the standards society imposes. There's no need to commit suicide, just to draw your own path

See, being suicidal is definitely something that I am, but if I want to go I want to be the sender. Not some midnight murder douche.

Not sure I follow. You saying that I don't need a reason to keep living?

Funny, I'm the exact opposite. I couldn't commit suicide on account of what it would do to my family. I couldn't ever put them through that.

Of course not, have you ever seen a bird looking for one? It just lives. We made this construct. However, if you really need a reason, live for dat szechuan sauce

Carrying? What you mean?

That's fair. I don't think I need a reason, but I do think a lot of the times that I just want out. Rick and Morty is a pretty good reason to live though.

As in a gun. I'm assuming you mean that you live in a shitty neighborhood.

I've attempted before. At some point the people around become insignificant.

I know how you feel. I have literally nothing to live for either. I am getting a degree on a job that doesn't even exist in my country

Well guess what. It's prohibited here, I really would like to though.

Honestly, I'm just getting a degree to have a degree. What I want to do with my life just generally requires me to have a bachelor's degree of some sort, so I picked one that's a safe fallback and shows that I'm not completely braindead. College for me is honestly hell.

That's really shit. Where are you from?

I know, they kinda force you to whether you want it or not

Br

the word job has lost all meaning

Come to America my friend. Assuming you don't live in a commie shithole of a state, guns are pretty easy to get as long as you can pass a quick background check.

like how?

I've been there as a student for a while, a heaven of a place. The idea of owning a gun does make you feel safer on the street

You mean that it is now all about acquiring money instead of executing a task for society?

oh fuck yeah bud

We live in absolute mayhem

It's a great hobby too! I've met a lot of great people through shooting sports. I'm hoping to start doing competitions sometime this summer.

Hey that sounds cool, what type of gun are you going to work with?

WAKE ME UPPPPPPPPPPPP

when august ends?

I've really considered it before, but never actually tried anything. I certainly have the means to do it, quickly and painlessly too, I just don't want to hurt anyone I love.

Then you do have a reason to live on. Life is not about achieving a goal but to see how far you can go

I'd like to do some 3-gun or IPSC matches. You can look them up on Youtube for reference. 3-gun as the name suggests involves three guns, typically a tactical rifle of some sort (usually an AR-15), a handgun, and a shotgun. I only have the AR right now. I could grab a used Remington 870 police magnum for about $250. The handgun is a little tricky right now, as I'm not old enough to purchase one. I can build one, but that's kinda expensive and time consuming. Regardless, I'm still planning on doing that once I have some money saved up.

green day or evanescence?

The way I see it, life is about being happy, which I am certainly not. Doing my best to change that, but with little success.

I wish you good luck at it. The only thing that sucks about the matches is that you have to purchase the gun.

That's good. I'm glad you have something worthwhile to live for. I don't even know why I keep going forward. Mostly just in hope that it will be better.

That works too, just like the szechuan sauce but when it no longer fulfill our needs maybe it's time to shift our perspectives and find a more general reason or maybe none at all. Also, being happy all the time is going to bore you eventually

I wouldn't say that's something to live for. It's not something that makes me happy. I'm pretty much just going forward like you, hoping things get better, although I have no reason to believe that they will. Like I said, I wouldn't kill myself most likely, but I wouldn't hesitate to take a bullet for someone. I wouldn't jump out of the way of a bus. If I got held at gunpoint, I really wouldn't care; I'd tell the guy he'd be doing me a favor.

I'd kill for that "boredom of happiness".

Happiness is something that depends on the ideas of value someone has, describe to me what would make you happy

I'll refer you to the post I made when I thought this might be a feels thread haha.

I don't mind purchasing guns at all haha. They're something I really have a passion for. Best of luck getting to U.S. someday. You'll love it here.

You want people that care about you, that would make you happy. I guess we both know what the solution is. I kinda have to pass thought the same problem too, it seems that people in general are so egocentric that any manifestation of love they have towards us seem fake. Asshole connections is something you'll find literally all the time. However, eventually I guarantee that there you be at least one person that will care back. In my case, I simply stopped caring about having friends or anything, I'm better off alone and I also had the thought of killing myself multiple times out of emptiness. Then, I realized all of us are in the same boat, the other people we see walking around are just as in need of someone who cares as well. It's all a matter of trial and error

tx bud

Thanks man. I guess a lot of my problems stem from the fact that I'm just not happy with myself. I feel like I'm not an interesting or likable enough person for other people to care about. There's certainly some evidence to back that up, the problem is, I just don't know how to "fix" myself. I try and think back to when interacting with people and making friends was so much easier, but I just don't know where I went wrong.

You are not broken, you are just being you, which isn't constant. The problem is that the people you are hanging out with don't relate to you. You have to open a few more connections, see if you can find someone that acts alike. It shouldn't be too hard because you have a campus to walk around