Two major assignments due at 23:59

>two major assignments due at 23:59
>the time is 17:40
>haven't started on either of them

Should I just jerk off a bunch of times before killing myself? There's no way I'll be able to finish both, let alone one, in time.

how the fuck do you people have so much trouble keeping shit together while UNDERGRADS?

the fuck user, it's not like being an undergrad is easy

>fuck what you think just do what I think.
Wow nice relationship there friendo

Ur fucked kiddo

?

Unless they are short multiple choice quizzes, then you are pretty screwed. Finish one half assed, sad jerk off, then deal with the consequences and use it as a learning lesson.
Or, you know, jerk off a bunch and kys for the chan.

Take a walk, play a video game, watch something on YouTube to clear your head. Then get started on the first assignment.

>>Break it down into parts
>>Don't think of the entire assignment or the second assignment, just focus on one part at a time.
>>Continue working, take occasional breaks to focus and de-stress.
>>When you get through a decent amount, reward yourself with j/o
>>Repeat process
>>???
>>Profit

Yeah nah one of them is an 8 page essay, and the other is a 4 page analysis.

I guess I can try this.

Break the essay up into two page segments. Take a short, few minute break every second page. Two pages is nothing, even if it's single spaced. If you absolutely need a break halfway through, you can start thinking about the analysis.

Go to a walkin clinic and claim you got food poisoning and get a doctors note.
Give doctors note to school and submit assignments late without late penalty.

holy shit I'm using this in the future, ty.

Time stretches as effort increases.
Parkinsons principle is law.

Baffled by bullshit, the sensor becomes.

>falling for the college meme
Goddamn, millennials are retarded

Tell us what they're about. You can do a four-page assignment pretty quickly

Drop out of school. School is fucking gay. Dunno why anyone would want to be in it longer than they have to.

Plenty of jobs out there with no college required. Drop out, sounds like you're not doing well anyway.

Thread is now; help user wiht homework.

Give titles and share wokr,
together anons are like an army of worker bees.

Intelligence roughly human when put together.

This. I started a business and if I'm lucky, I'll be making more than I ever did or will with a degree. Don't give these kikes any more money, OP

What's wrong with college?

The 8 page essay is on interpreting the Captain Ahab's motives in Moby-Dick, and the 4 page essay is a character analysis of Raskolnikov in Crime and Punishment, focusing on his relationship with his faith throughout the novel.

I don't want to work in a trade though, and I also don't want to work a 9-5 office job for the rest of my life.

It's a waste of time and money. It's only required by companies that essentially want to prove that you have the discipline to stay with their company. That's why a Bachelors is 4 years. They expect you to stay for at least that. You can make great money starting a small business but you must find a niche. This isn't fucking brain surgery

how do you start a business, i had a class on how we could start one but the teacher said fuck it and just gave up. Really thinking about starting, but forgot everything he taught us.

>Copy and paste the approximate amount of text you would for your individual assignments into word, or whatever the fuck your using
>Save it
>Open it in notepad and delete a couple sections of it
>Save it
>Try to open it in whatever you made it in
>Corrupt.exe

Send the corrupt files to whoever you need too. They will receive the file before the deadline, and most likely not check it for a while. When they try to open your corrupt file, they will ask you to send it again.

Worked for me a few times.

If you can't use your head and think for yourself (which seems very difficult for you to do), then you're already far gone. Might as well fail college, get a retail job, and be mediocre like the rest of the people around you with that attitude of not wanting to learn anything.

You know how you start a business? You just fucking do it. Go online, make up a website, get some business cards, and jump in the deep end with both feet. You have to take risks in order to succeed or you'll be like your teacher all miserable and stupid.

I only am doing this because I'm sick of my situation and I really don't want to go to college.

Nigger, you can get them done in that time. Even if they're half-assed... it's better than nothing. After you're done you can have a sleepy jerk.

And that's difficult to do in 3 hours ?

Jeez, have you no google.

8 pages of Ahab is a bit much, as he complicates things way to hard.

The white whale, the revenge, the hidden drive for just having a goal in life. The purpose found in the hunt is whereby he comes alive and without it he would be lost, nothing but a broken man.

Start from his obsession, understand that it parallels the search for meaning (quote viktor frankl or some hsit). The meaninglessness of it all dissapears in the purppse he has chosen.

In such, Dick is his Godot, and it makes little sense to consider moby dick without the obsession.

Id say; watch Daniel Kahneman talk on happiness, maybe riff on that, use whatever literary correlations you can.
Draw on religious missions, and how the act of pursuing a goal helps focus a person and gives them sense of purpose.
Borrow cliches from anywhere.
Crime and punishment on the othre hand, do wiki or some shit on it, of course communist and the issue with that, focus on the contrasting changes of what he speaks in the novel. And otherwise get a lif t from random user here who has degree.

Wherever the fuck that guy is.
most about these assignments could probably be summed in some mind-map of clues of what to look for.

someone get on it.

goodl uck

Nah, man. OP needs to get President's List.

Thanks for the help user!

This reminded me that I have a 2,000 worder to 23:59 on Tuesday, and I sure as hell won't start that shit until at least 4:00 pm that day. (But realistically like 9 because lazy.)

So I'm probably going to be OP in a few days but fuck future me, present day me gets to enjoy Memorial Day off from work.

Also on a side note, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up other than 12 feet under

If you're doing computer science then just dont do any of those assignments because I dont want your competition

Heck, you can't buy an essay on the web? Dumb it down in a couple of areas, and then after you turn the assignment in, rewrite it and then if you get called on it then hand in the "corrected" one.

Even the analysis, go to fiver and have someone ghost write it for you.

I probably don't have enough money to afford buying an essay.

On edubirde.com it is like 16 dollars per page so

got a 350 word major thesis due next week and I haven't even started it either lol

its easy as fuck
but you're still failing at it